Parents Being kicked off of preteam because of negative talk.

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JadaBreeze

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Question for moms of little gymnasts. Tonight my 5-year old’s pre-team coach said she’s too negative and says "I can't" a lot. That if my daughter can’t get past her mental block, she will have to leave the class. As her mom, I feel frustrated by this. My kid has only been in pre-team with this new coach for 2 weeks. Yes, my kid needs to work on her negative talk (we’ve been working on this for awhile) but it won’t happen overnight. Because she’s 5. My kid is obsessed with gymnastics and has been soaring for 2 years at this gym but to hear she’ll get kicked out of a class seems a bit extreme. Or...is it?
 
I would be frustrated too, but having only a newly 4-year-old on “pre-pre team,” I probably am not qualified to tell you if that is normal for gym. Having worked with a lot of kids though, I’ve found that the behavior typically stops pretty quickly if it’s breezed over (not really acknowledged) and the kiddo is praised/given positive feedback for doing awesome stuff.

With that said, my daughter told me the other day: “We’re not allowed to say ‘I can’t,’ and we have to do push ups if we say it”... so your daughter’s definitely not alone.

Not sure if that was helpful at all... I think, if I were in your shoes, I might let the coach know how I was trying to deal with it at home (e.g. ignoring it, having her sit out/“take a break” until she was ready to try, etc.). Does your daughter try after saying she can’t, or just she say it and refuse to do whatever the group is doing?
 
Well it depends. If she says 'I can't' but still gives her best effort, or only does it occasionally, yes it would be extreme. But if a gymnast says 'I can't' all the time and then refuses to try, they would never make it to team even at my very easy-going gym. It also depends on what she is referring to. If she means new skills that seem hard or scary to her, sure she might need more time to be comfortable with a new coach. If she is refusing to put effort into conditioning or flex or other things that require effort, that's maybe a sign she doesn't have what it takes to be competitive at your gym.
And while age might have something to do with the terminology she is using, I have noticed that my dd who puts the most effort in now at age 9, has always put full effort in since she was little.
 
As others have asked does she say I can’t and then refuse to even try? How often and on what does she say I can’t.
I know the phrase I can’t isn’t really allowed/liked at my dd gym you can ask for extra support etc but coaches do not like the phrase I can’t.
It’s hard as your daughter is only young but from the coaches point of view they have the other gymnasts to think of and one negative child can really spread to all the other children, I’ve seen it and it really lowers morale.
I’m not saying the coach is right or wrong as it’s very hard to tell without knowing everything that has been said by your daughter and what the coach has done so far, did the coach have this conversation with you?
Have they said this in the hope that if your daughter really wants to be in the group she will stop saying I can’t?
Have they said where she would go if she was removed from pre-team? If they remove from pre-team will she have another chance in the future to join or will that be it? I know when my dd was 4 they moved her to a different group but said if she wasn’t mature enough they might have to move her back down a group and try again in the future.
 
My YDS had this problem for awhile and while they never said they would kick him off team for it, I could tell it really annoyed his head coach. So what we did was to come up with other things he could say instead. I told him he isn’t allowed to say I can’t, because what he really means is “I can’t yet” and the coach knows he hasn’t done it yet, but knows he CAN do it if he tries, so he needs to believe in himself and believe that he can do it too, but he can say things like “I’m scared to do that” or “can I do a couple more drills/timers first” or “can I have a spot?” I also wouldn’t let him say “I can’t” at home-I would help him turn it around into something else. It wasn’t perfect, but we role played it a lot and it definitely helped him stop saying “I can’t” at the gym so much.
 
It seems extreme to me, because 5 year olds generally do not have a huge vocabulary to express exactly what they are feeling.

When my kids were little, they had a teacher tell them that "stupid" was a bad word, and gave them substitutes to use instead. Like, instead of saying "that way is stupid" they would have to say "can we try to do it a different way." It worked.

I suggest telling your daughter that "I can't" are bad words at the gym, and that she should instead say something like "I can try." It's true: she can always try. Also,it essentially conveys the same meaning, that she either doesn't know how to do the skill or that she's not yet strong enough to do the skill.
 
You've gotten some great advice. I think the coach did you a favor by letting you know that your dd is exhibiting some behavior that may inhibit her progress in the gym. I would have a conversation with your dd as demonstrated above (giving her substitute phrases to use, etc.) and then communicate that to her coach. Then I would also request that the coach let you know how it is working after one or two weeks. I would not like my child to be kicked out of a group for a behavior that she is working on correcting, especially at age 5. She should be given ample opportunity to put her new phrases/behavior into action.
 
Thank you so much for your feedback, everyone. This has been so helpful! I'm meeting with my daughter's coach on Tuesday. Also, I was talking with my girl this morning and she revealed to me that she's been afraid of the back hip circle b/c she doesn't want to break her arm again. She broke her arm 3 months ago after falling off of the bar. I TOTALLY get her fear/concern now and will communicate this to her coach. I can't believe I didn't consider this. She jumped back in gym so fast without complaining about her injury that I thought she was okay.
 
Preteam/compulsory coach. We don’t allow “I can’t “ either. I always have the new recruits go for a few weeks on a trial basis to see how they handle the much longer and structured practices in comparison to rec. If a young gymnast shows lack of effort and consistent negative behavior during the trial, I would first talk with the girl and a parent and if there was no drastic improvement, that girl would not be offered a spot on preteam. I have denied several girls based on that in the past and will continue to do so.

Now, it would be very helpful to know something like the broken arm situation. That is a different case altogether!
For a girl like that, it would depend how much time I could dedicate to it at that time (how big is the preteam group, the dynamics of the other girls etc). I might take her on and allow her to go slower on the “scary” event, or suggest doing more rec classes for a little longer to get more comfortable in gym again and then revisit preteam.
 
I don’t know, that seems kind of harsh to me. For preterm, we don’t only teach them gymnastics skills, we also teach them discipline, self-control, etc. they’re not going to just come in knowing all that. The littles can be so hard to coach, but the investment in them is worth it down the road.
 
I don’t know, that seems kind of harsh to me. For preterm, we don’t only teach them gymnastics skills, we also teach them discipline, self-control, etc. they’re not going to just come in knowing all that. The littles can be so hard to coach, but the investment in them is worth it down the road.

100% agree with this.

Also, I never ban the words "I can't" from my athletes. Whenever anyone says "I can't" then I always just tell them to say "I can't do it YET, but I will keep trying." I think it is silly to tell people they aren't allowed to say they can't do something when, factually speaking, they really cannot do it. Kids aren't stupid, and there is no point in silencing them from stating facts. When you silence them, all they do is turn that negative dialogue inward. Instead, by having the athlete or student say "I can't do it YET", you validate their feelings of frustration but still keep the door of hope open, and by having them say, "but I will keep trying" you are reinforcing that if they keep trying, they have the opportunity to get the skill. When you say, "Oh, yes you can" they just think you are either lying or just stupid. Either way, it's really condescending and frustrating when you are on the receiving end of that.
 
I too think it is a dangerous practice to totalAly ban the words "I can't". Many gymnasts are taught that fear is a bad thing and they need to suppress it. But fear is important, kids need to be taught to listen to their fear and work with it, not pretend it isn't there.

A gymnast may be physically ready to do a skill, but unless they are also mentally ready, then they are not ready.
 
This is assuming (and we all know what that means...) that coaches who don’t allow the “I can’t “ mentality are not giving the kids better alternatives.
I absolutely think kids are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for. I speak at length to “my” girls about negative behavior at practice. Just had a long talk today with a few as a matter of fact, when one of them kept saying “I’m so bad at [insert drill]. I don’t let them talk negatively about themselves at practice and always explain to them the things they can do to turn that into positives instead. I give them positive alternatives to consider and other ways to express when they have doubts, as well as positive affirmation and support. Too many kids (girls especially) have low self esteeem and I do my best to empower them!
Just because I don’t accept kids (into the more serious competitive program) who don’t put any effort into practice OR allow negative behavior doesn’t mean I don’t give “my” kids a voice or endeavor to teach them to put more into their own sport. I absolutely do, every day.
 
I too think it is a dangerous practice to totalAly ban the words "I can't". Many gymnasts are taught that fear is a bad thing and they need to suppress it. But fear is important, kids need to be taught to listen to their fear and work with it, not pretend it isn't there.

A gymnast may be physically ready to do a skill, but unless they are also mentally ready, then they are not ready.
I said above that I can’t isn’t really allowed/liked at my dd gym, that however doesn’t mean fear is banned, girls are allowed to say they are scared of something but are expected/encouraged to want to try to work through it. (I don’t mean forced to still do it but coaches work with them maybe with support or different drills to help)
 
The gym I was at when I was young was a very negative place-- lots of I can't/you can't sometimes even coming from the coaches. When I joined my high school team after I quit, our coach banned saying I can't, and I actually loved that. Not only did we turn it into a bit of a game (saying "I'm not able to" or "I'm not capable of" to avoid getting pushups, which often made everyone giggle and lightened the mood just by itself,) but it also just kept that kind of talk out of the atmosphere. I never felt like my voice was being squashed or I wasn't allowed to be afraid or anything like that.

I've definitely used this model with my DD. I tell her about the power that negative thoughts can have over us and how sometimes changing your words can change your mind. I certainly don't ban that phrase at home or anything, and as far as I know it isn't banned at the gym, but I help her think through why she feels like she can't do something and what she could do to help herself get closer.

Now when it comes to actually kicking a kid off preteam for this... that borders on ridiculous for me. Maybe if it's couple with an unwillingness to even try or a mentality where she says this about every single skill, but this strikes me as something that could usually be worked on and improve with practice.
 

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