Parents DD Dropped a bombshell on me about her gym

[NoRetaliation]

So - a little background. DD has been in gymnastics for 10 years, she is a 14 YO L7 training L8. She has had some injuries that have held her back but has persevered. She won several events at states this year and places in the top 3 AA for most meets. She is a solid gymnast and right were she should be in terms of advancement. I have been member here for a few years but I am posting this anonymously as you can see I'm a bit paranoid now.

I know DD has been having some issues at the gym and has been unhappy, but didn't know to what extent. It is well know one particular coach is pretty nasty. DD came to me this weekend and asked if I'd let her switch gyms. I was surprised as she loves her teammates and seemed to be able to overlook the issues she had with her coach. When we started talking about her feelings I asked her to write them down for me and here is what she sent me...

How can MY GYM improve for me?

• coaches stayed off of phones, unless emergency
• coaches only yelled/screamed if it was a serious issue, involving the safety and/or well being of the gymnast(s)
• coaches acted in the interest of the gymnast, not allowing gymnasts to try skills they are not ready to try
• coaches gave more tips and pointers
• COACH I DON'T LIKE does not threaten to send me home for falling off the beam while i am trying to do a skill, especially when i am trying hard to make it or learning a new skill

Things COACH I DON'T LIKE says to me that upset me:

“If you fall off again, you can call your mom and tell her why she has to pick you up”.

when she tells me about how I shouldn’t waste my parents money when i’m not going for things

I’m lucky to be there, so I shouldn’t waste mine and my teammates time

Get off the beam (on my first turn) because i am wasting so and so’s time

I’m not allowed to warm up there (even though so and so is warming up in the exact same spot)

Why are you crying

You are not allowed to cry I am the coach I’ve done nothing wrong

Get off beam

(when i come back to stretch) Get away from here. i don’t want you distracting the other girls and i don’t want you in my sight. move as far away from me as you possibly can

"do you want to test me?"

I feel unsafe and unwelcome at MY GYM I would like to make this work, but I feel as if I do not belong.

Now I don't want to fly off the handle and flip out (well I do really but won't!) but I am blown away by what she said about not feeling safe. We have looked at the other gym, however it would be quite an adjustment to our families life to make the switch. Am I completely insane to try and make this work? I have a meeting with the head coach later this week to discuss these issues. Is this something I gym can turn around? Should I even try to discuss with HC or just move? Looking for advice ...

Mom

 

[MaryA]

No. Even if half of this stuff is true, it's pretty appalling. It took a lot of courage for her to come to you with this, and a lot of maturity to get past "this is where all my friends go!" I think you need to take her at her word and just get her out of this situation. If another gym is just too hard for your family to manage, then brainstorm lists of other sports/activities that your DD might like to try. I don't think you can leave her there. I don't think all the conferences in the world will fix what's broken between her and that gym/coach. Chances are she will go far in whatever activity or activities she chooses.

This is what really worries me about our gyms "no parent watching" rule. Your daughter came to you with this stuff. My daughter would likely just internalize it all and I'd never hear a word about it.

Good luck as you move forward and let us know what you decide! Whatever you do, be sure to commend your daughter for being so brave to talk to you about this!

 

[txgymfan]

Leave the gym immediately.

I totally agree with Mary! You daughter is very brave.

 

[my4buffaloes]

You can try to discuss it, but I doubt you will be able to repair the relationship between your dd and the coach that clearly doesn't like her. And from now on it will be a sketchy relationship at best and you will always question the safety of your dd. I would talk to the HC and/or owner. But I would also do whatever I had to do to get your dd to a better gym - meaning better for her.

 

[MeetDirector]

I don't think a discussion, without your daughter, is needed. If you have one without her, you will be showing that you don't believe/trust her. I think you take her at her word and IF (and only if) gymnastics is still her passion, you find another gym to continue to let her pursue her passion.

She wrote all of those things down and it should show you just how bad it is - trust her and thank her for being forthcoming. That was a huge step and you don't want to close that door by meeting behind her back.

It doesn't look like the relationship is fixable, unless there has been the biggest of all misunderstandings. Start looking and figuring out how to make a different gym work.

Good Luck.

 

[bogwoppit]

She is 14, I would leave. for 14 year old to want to leave her gym things must be pretty bad.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

I don't think a meeting will change your DD's perception of what is going on. She is a very brave girl to come to you and ask for the change! It must be pretty bad for her at her current gym and I would take her out of that environment today to start looking for a new gym. You may be surprised how much a new atmosphere will help her gymnastics! Big hugs to her, let us know how the search goes!!

 

[Jenny]

A brave new step for a brave young lady. You are both to be commended. Go with your daughters wishes and find another gym. Your relationship will be ever stronger if you do this thing she is asking. This is the time to be a mum not a gym mom, bow out gracefully and move on. She has thought this through and through. How you handle it will be her blueprint for handling difficult situations in her future. You are probably looking at 4 more years of gym until she goes to college, make them wonderful for her. Good luck and well done for raising such a brave kid.

 

[LIGYMMOM]

I'm shuddering to think of how long your DD has had to put up with this nasty behavior. I would move on. What does "quite an adjustment" mean for your family? A longer commute, more money? Seeing as she is the one asking to get out of there, absolutely take her out. I would bring a copy of what your DD wrote and show it to HC, not that it will immediately change anything, but maybe seeing it on paper will have an effect. That was a very smart thing you did to ask her to write those things down because I'll bet it brought even more clarity to your DD, and she's strong enough to know that she should never be treated that way. Let us know how things go!

 

[kandkfunk]

I feel like my DD could have written this exact letter a year and a half ago when she was 14. I am of the philosophy that you try to work things out as best you can before you give up. Kids have to learn to work with all sorts of people in life. However, had I known the effect this type of treatment would have on my daughter's long-term self-esteem, I would've quickly run and never looked back. Chances are that the head coach already knows this type of behavior exists, it's been called to his or her attention before, and he or she is complicit in the continued behavior and sees nothing wrong with it.

Due to a gym split, my DD has not had this coach in over a year, but the damage to her self-esteem and confidence was already done. Level 8 is next to impossible if kids don't have full confidence in their abilities.

 

[bookworm]

I don't care what adjustment your family has to make, when your daughter says she doesn't feel safe there at her gym, that's the deal breaker for me (along with the other list of appalling things she had to put up with) ...I would take her out today and be done with it.

 

[raenndrops]

I don't care what adjustment your family has to make, when your daughter says she doesn't feel safe there at her gym, that's the deal breaker for me (along with the other list of appalling things she had to put up with) ...I would take her out today and be done with it.

YES!!!!!! This exactly!

 

[3LittleGymmies]

She is 14, I would leave. for 14 year old to want to leave her gym things must be pretty bad.

Agreed.

 

[gymdog]

I don't care what adjustment your family has to make, when your daughter says she doesn't feel safe there at her gym, that's the deal breaker for me (along with the other list of appalling things she had to put up with) ...I would take her out today and be done with it.

Agreed. Withdraw immediately then look for other gyms.

 

[Seeker]

Yeah....the line that got me was the safety issue. Everything was bad, but upon reading that, I would not allow her to return. If she doesn't feel safe, she isn't.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

So - a little background. DD has been in gymnastics for 10 years, she is a 14 YO L7 training L8. She has had some injuries that have held her back but has persevered. She won several events at states this year and places in the top 3 AA for most meets. She is a solid gymnast and right were she should be in terms of advancement. I have been member here for a few years but I am posting this anonymously as you can see I'm a bit paranoid now.

I know DD has been having some issues at the gym and has been unhappy, but didn't know to what extent. It is well know one particular coach is pretty nasty. DD came to me this weekend and asked if I'd let her switch gyms. I was surprised as she loves her teammates and seemed to be able to overlook the issues she had with her coach. When we started talking about her feelings I asked her to write them down for me and here is what she sent me...

How can MY GYM improve for me?

• coaches stayed off of phones, unless emergency
• coaches only yelled/screamed if it was a serious issue, involving the safety and/or well being of the gymnast(s)
• coaches acted in the interest of the gymnast, not allowing gymnasts to try skills they are not ready to try
• coaches gave more tips and pointers
• COACH I DON'T LIKE does not threaten to send me home for falling off the beam while i am trying to do a skill, especially when i am trying hard to make it or learning a new skill

Things COACH I DON'T LIKE says to me that upset me:

“If you fall off again, you can call your mom and tell her why she has to pick you up”.

when she tells me about how I shouldn’t waste my parents money when i’m not going for things

I’m lucky to be there, so I shouldn’t waste mine and my teammates time

Get off the beam (on my first turn) because i am wasting so and so’s time

I’m not allowed to warm up there (even though so and so is warming up in the exact same spot)

Why are you crying

You are not allowed to cry I am the coach I’ve done nothing wrong

Get off beam

(when i come back to stretch) Get away from here. i don’t want you distracting the other girls and i don’t want you in my sight. move as far away from me as you possibly can

"do you want to test me?"

I feel unsafe and unwelcome at MY GYM I would like to make this work, but I feel as if I do not belong.

Now I don't want to fly off the handle and flip out (well I do really but won't!) but I am blown away by what she said about not feeling safe. We have looked at the other gym, however it would be quite an adjustment to our families life to make the switch. Am I completely insane to try and make this work? I have a meeting with the head coach later this week to discuss these issues. Is this something I gym can turn around? Should I even try to discuss with HC or just move? Looking for advice ...

Mom

are you punking us? or is this for real?? YIKES

 

[iwannacoach]

Decide to leave and then talk, with or without dd there, with the HC and share as you have done with us. You never know what good may come from honestly (calmly for you, emotionally for your child) letting the coach look through the eyes of your child. Some may say you should shield her from that conversation, but there's then again it may be a good experience for her and the HC.

Your daughter has already done the heavy lifting by sorting through what has gone on around her and been done to her over the years. Making a decision to leave is very hard to get to when friendships are involved. With strength like that being party to the meeting should be easy if not empowering. Her unique insight is something the HC may find valuable, and possibly some change could come about.

Why bother? I guess you could say I went through a process of evolution that included one such meeting with a child's mother, and on a separate occasion with a very brave nine year old.

I will never forget them, nor stop being grateful for giving me a second..... and third chance.

 

[stillgotmyleotard]

This post could have been written by a close friend of mine about this time last year. Honestly, it is spooky.

I think you probably know what you need to do; most folk seem too by the time they go 'public'. Would you speak to your daughter the way she says the coach does? If not (and I hope that is the case), you certainly shouldn't allow anybody else to do so. Being 14 is tough enough without feeling unsafe and having her confidence battered by an adult. As Jenny said; now is the time for mum to override gym mum. Credit your daughter's courage with what she deserves.

For what it is worth, my close friend did move her daughter, who is doing better at gymnastics and, most importantly, is happier than ever before. It is probably the bravest thing she has ever done and it has paid dividends in terms of how she feels about herself.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

 

[CoachTodd]

Find a new place and let the Gym owner know why you left.

 

[Aussie_coach]

I would not walk but run from an environment like that!