WAG Does my kid lack potential, or is there favoritism?

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armbmom

Proud Parent
My gymmie is repeating level 4 this season after a rough season. We made a gym switch to a "real" gym prior to last season and the new coaches had lots of things to fix and Bars and beam have taken the longest to fix, but are now looking fantastic. I'm really excited for this season. Some kids are being given a chance to do back to back seasons 4/5 and as of right now, mine isn't. Some of the kids that are, my daughter has always outscored at meets, and those kids get more hours, work with stronger coaches and seem to get more opportunities. Their parents are also more involved in the gym, tell their kids to "perform" in front of the head coach, are friends with all the coaches on FB, etc. Some coaches have told me that my kid is hardworking and a beautiful gymnast, yet, she seems to get overlooked on things like doing back to back seasons. I'm hoping that once the season starts, they will see how well she is doing and she will get a shot and doing a back to back season and be given an opportunity to succeed.
 
My gymmie is repeating level 4 this season after a rough season. We made a gym switch to a "real" gym prior to last season and the new coaches had lots of things to fix and Bars and beam have taken the longest to fix, but are now looking fantastic. I'm really excited for this season. Some kids are being given a chance to do back to back seasons 4/5 and as of right now, mine isn't. Some of the kids that are, my daughter has always outscored at meets, and those kids get more hours, work with stronger coaches and seem to get more opportunities. Their parents are also more involved in the gym, tell their kids to "perform" in front of the head coach, are friends with all the coaches on FB, etc. Some coaches have told me that my kid is hardworking and a beautiful gymnast, yet, she seems to get overlooked on things like doing back to back seasons. I'm hoping that once the season starts, they will see how well she is doing and she will get a shot and doing a back to back season and be given an opportunity to succeed.


Honestly, it is impossible for us to know if your DD is being overlooked, or if she really needs more time to develop. Even if she is not ready for 5, I don't think it means she lacks potential! Especially if she is newer to a "real" gym.

Our gym has a much favored training group, and about 1/3 of the girls in the group don't really deserve it. So I totally know it happens, even at really good gyms. Could you try meeting with the coaches and asking what the criteria are to move to 5? Hopefully they will have a good answer!

Interestingly, I know that Geddert encourages all coaches to use a criteria based system whenever possible to avoid gymnasts feeling (or actually being) overlooked or feeling they were unfairly assigned a training group or level. I can't figure out why more gyms don't follow this advice, including DD's!
 
I am sure favoritism exists - and I suspect that over the years my kids have been or various sides of the issue. I know that at old L5 DD was NOT chosen to up train L6, when several of her friends were, regardless of scores. She got a little frustrated with a second season of L5, and we sat down with the HC and compulsory coach - to discuss a plan for either more up training to keep her engaged, or perhaps letting go of a day of training and doing ballet that year (which she wanted to do and was having trouble fitting in). The HC was supportive, ooed and awed about how much potential she had, etc but more importantly the compulsory coach said "If you want to try to move up lets see how the next 2 months go". That conversation changed everything that year - DD was encouraged to work L6 skills, and when she was clearly learning them, privates offered by compulsory coach to polish it off - she competed L6 in spring, made state (middle of the pack), and moved on up to L7 that summer. HC actually forgot to change her levels the first couple of spring season meets.

Point is that we didn't go into the coach meeting asking for her to move up, but trying to figure the best plan for the rest of the year. DD was given the chance to prove herself and did. HC was always super nice to her and considered her one of the girls with more potential (not a star), but less so than the coach she worked with more that year. It doesn't hurt to politely ask what the plan for your child is.

And the favorites at L4 are often not the favorites at L8....I find it important to keep some professional boundaries - especially as the kids get older.

DD is now at the gym her old compulsory coach took over. She has a bunch of emotional baggage from old gym to clear up and lost a full year of skill progression, but is starting to get "less messed up" as she put it yesterday! Her coach now knows she has the ability to rise to a challenge but is working on her finding it in herself again...I know she has a soft spot in her heart for DD, but she's got a team of 60 kids (boys and girls) and no favorites games are played...she has a written plan that she constantly modifies and is set to discuss with parents on each kid - L3 though L10....and the kids are in charge of "their gymnastics".

Don't worry too much about where your kid falls amongst the others - star compulsories are not always star optionals - and so many kids quit before high school....worry about whether your DD is learning, growing, feels empowered and engaged....supported in her own journey.
 
I had a conversation once with one of DDs coaches and he told me that of course favoritism exists. It's like in families. No one wants to admit that parents usually have favorites amongst their kids, but it's human nature. He went on to say, however, that if anyone feels like there is favoritism then the coaches have failed. He said it's important to be fair and not show favoritism, rather than pretend that coaches aren't people too. The interesting thing is, I am about 99% sure that my DD was his favorite of the entire gym, but he was always as hard on her as everyone else- he cut zero slack and spent no more time with her than anyone else. This was balanced by the fact that the HC didn't seem to care much for my dd in general. Can't win 'em all. In your case, I think a meeting with the coach to get it out there that your DD would like to move up, and how you would like to work together to come up with a realistic plan for the next year, based on her abilities, would be best. Maybe there is favoritism, maybe not, but communication is the best answer regardless.
 
I think that if you don't think there is favouritism, then you are fooling yourself.

And unfortunately for the child, it is especially hard when the child goes from being a favourite to not being a favourite.

Shrug.

Better for your child to never have been a favourite . I just don't understand why it has to be so crazy and dysfunctional... It's just kid's gymnastics. I know the coaches spend 16 hours a week with my kid, but the teachers spend 30 hours a week with her, and they aren't all crazy and possessive over her. What's up with that? She's MY child!
 
but the teachers spend 30 hours a week with her, and they aren't all crazy and possessive over her. What's up with that? She's MY child!

Oddly enough we have seen the over the top favoritism with school teachers too- on both sides of it. I really think it just boils down to human nature, unfortunately.
 
I'm really starting to get this whole "longevity" concept to this sport. I've already seen so many talented gymmies flame out from injury or burn out that it almost seems like being naturally talented means zilch. And the flip side of that coin....average gymnasts who just refuse to stop and refuse to give up and now they are some of the "best" of the team.

As far as favorites, of course a coach is going to have favorites and will see more positives in some gymnasts than others. My DD has two main coaches....one loves her and "favors" her. Still works her hard, corrects her flaws and can be hard on her. This coach sees all the potential in my child and bends over backward for her.

The other coach dislikes my child (yes, I know this because she has verbalized it) and considers herself being punished when my DD is put in her group (again, she said this out loud). She is mean to her to the point that we've had to have an intervention about the way she was speaking and yelling at my child. As far as she is concerned, I think she thinks my DD has no business being in the sport.

I absolutely believe that favoritism exists and that it is completely normal and you can't do a thing about it. But I don't think it should affect the level of coach any child receives. DD's "good" coach doesn't coach her more. She receives the same number of turns, gets the same conditioning, the same corrections, and yes, the same wrath if she does something stupid.

On the other hand, "bad" coach minimizes my DD's turns, frequently has her back turned toward her during tumbling, and it feels like she doesn't get as many turns (haven't cared enough to count). IF she gets any corrections, it just consists of words like "that was so ugly" or "that looked awful". The positive thing I've heard her say to DD is "better".
 
There is a girl at DD's gym who is most definitely a favorite. She is the same level as DD and the past few seasons she has been unbeatable. DD has started to gain some maturity--both in and out of the gym--and she is catching up with her as far as her skills. The extra attention given to her teammate, though, does not bother her. As a parent, I assumed the attention was a result of the fact that the teammate is a bit older than DD...DD has decided (on her own, which makes me beam as a parent) that the extra attention for the teammate puts the teammate under some pressure to have to always 'perform' while DD can quietly work her skills without having to always be in the spotlight. Without a doubt they are the top 2 gymnasts in the gym right now and both girls are going to have an outstanding season.

Ultimately what matters the most is whether your DD is happy where she is at. If she is, but you're still bothered, quietly (like when DD is not looking and will be none the wiser) bring your concerns to HC.
 
I'm really starting to get this whole "longevity" concept to this sport. I've already seen so many talented gymmies flame out from injury or burn out that it almost seems like being naturally talented means zilch. And the flip side of that coin....average gymnasts who just refuse to stop and refuse to give up and now they are some of the "best" of the team.

As far as favorites, of course a coach is going to have favorites and will see more positives in some gymnasts than others. My DD has two main coaches....one loves her and "favors" her. Still works her hard, corrects her flaws and can be hard on her. This coach sees all the potential in my child and bends over backward for her.

The other coach dislikes my child (yes, I know this because she has verbalized it) and considers herself being punished when my DD is put in her group (again, she said this out loud). She is mean to her to the point that we've had to have an intervention about the way she was speaking and yelling at my child. As far as she is concerned, I think she thinks my DD has no business being in the sport.

I absolutely believe that favoritism exists and that it is completely normal and you can't do a thing about it. But I don't think it should affect the level of coach any child receives. DD's "good" coach doesn't coach her more. She receives the same number of turns, gets the same conditioning, the same corrections, and yes, the same wrath if she does something stupid.

On the other hand, "bad" coach minimizes my DD's turns, frequently has her back turned toward her during tumbling, and it feels like she doesn't get as many turns (haven't cared enough to count). IF she gets any corrections, it just consists of words like "that was so ugly" or "that looked awful". The positive thing I've heard her say to DD is "better".

You are a saint for putting up with that coach. Ugh. You're a teacher, right? So you "get" that there are just some personalities that click better than others, even with children. But can you imagine ever treating a child that way? What a terrible lack of professionalism, to say the least.
 
You are a saint for putting up with that coach. Ugh. You're a teacher, right? So you "get" that there are just some personalities that click better than others, even with children. But can you imagine ever treating a child that way? What a terrible lack of professionalism, to say the least.

I'm certainly more aware of what's going on when my DD is working with her. It's one of the things that makes me unsatisfied with her current situation. Unfortunately, our gym is in a position that they can't afford to lose many team coaches.

And yes, I am a teacher and I certainly enjoy talking to some students more than others. But I would never tell a child I didn't click with that they were stupid or that their work was crap and I certainly wouldn't ignore them or not teach them. So yes, you are exactly right....terribly unprofessional way to act towards kids.
 
Could it be that the coaches are friendlier with the parents, know the girls better and thus know the girls WANT to do back to back seasons? Not everyone wants that--maybe they figure your daughter worked so hard to be ready to compete at level 4 that she would stress too much at being asked to do a higher level too. While there can certainly be favoritism in the gym (have seen it myself), it could also be that the coach doesn't know enough about your daughter yet. I'd just ask if there was a reason why your daughter wasn't given the choice.
 
Comparing your child to the others on the team is the quickest way to dissatisfaction ever. Try to evaluate her experience in a bubble - is she happy, is she progressing, is she getting good coaching. If there are problems with the coaching and your child in particular, speak to the coach.
 
As a coach, I suppose I may have "favorites." Who doesn't like the kids who work harder, complain less & learn faster? Yup, they are my favorite gymnasts to work with. Would I ever not allow a kid to compete a 4/5 season because they are not one of my "favorites?" No, but I might not allow them to compete the 4/5 season because they are not ready (which is in some cases because they don't work as hard, waste time complaining/making excuses and take longer to learn skills than my "favorite" kids do). I have promoted kids (who were ready) that I did not feel particularly bonded to, and I have held kids back when it wasn't in their best interest to advance, even when I was very close to them/their families. All of the coaches I know work the same way. I think that some parents overestimate how much "favoritism" impacts coaching decisions.

To the OP, I have a gymnast this very season who fits the description of your daughter. This particular child will do great as a Level 4, but she is not ready to do 4/5 successfully. One of her teammates (same age) will do 4/5 and 7 this season. Personality-wise, I like the kid who is only doing 4 better than the one who will finish as a 7. It's just not in her best interest to advance that quickly. She would do well as a 4, poorly as a 5 and she would choke as a 6 or 7 this year. Her teammate will place in the top 6 in all 3 levels and will often take 1st. What's different about these two is they train the same amount of hours and have the same coaches (yet, they are still moving at different rates). My suggestion is to speak with your daughter's coaches and find out what they plan to do with her and why. I'm sure they have valid reasons for her placement that have nothing to do with her not being a favorite.
 
As everyone states, favoritism does exist everywhere. Your best bet is to speak to the coaches. It isn't always easy to ask for a meeting. But you are new to the gym and I am certain it will not be considered out of line to find out how your daughter is progressing or adjusting to her new environment. Also, sometimes potential or ability to progress faster is not measured by scores especially in the compulsory levels. And since as you state this is your first real gym and there were some things the coaches needed to fix, your daughter may just be a tad behind the others, not because of lack of talent but maybe lack of good training. Then again, she just may be being overlooked. Don't be afraid to speak to the coaches.
 
Maybe after having an off season with the old gym, they want to see how she competes first? I know a lot of girls who practice well but compete poorly. So, maybe they want to be sure she actually competes well before they offer the 4/5. And the girls you think are favorites, may just be girls that have been at that gym forever and they already have seen their performance at meets, so they know they're ready.

I think if she's ready, they'll move her up with the other girls. The way she can show she's ready is to continue what she's doing now and then do her best at meets.

Believe me when I say, I have seen favoritism in the gym. Some coaches just can't hide it. And some coaches can't hide their disdain. It's probably
Going to make her a stronger gymnast NOT being favored, in the long run. But good luck to her in L4! (And hopefully L5!).
 
[QUOTE="cbifoja, post: 326746, member: 1253

And yes, I am a teacher and I certainly enjoy talking to some students more than others. But I would never tell a child I didn't click with that they were stupid or that their work was crap and I certainly wouldn't ignore them or not teach them. So yes, you are exactly right....terribly unprofessional way to act towards kids.[/QUOTE]




I don't think I could send my kid into a gym where I had to worry about her being openly dissed and mistreated by an adult....to me it's an either/or situation...either the coach stops behaving that way towards my kid (and that can be achieved by moving her out of that group, moving coach to a different group or firing her/him for unprofessional behavior) or we're out of there to a more positive environment...

I'm not saying everyone has to love my kid or love working with her but to be treated in such a way (with it confirmed by the coach!!) is totally unacceptable and abusive...and that the HC allows it to continue is worrisome...Favoritism I get, abuse no way...
 
I don't know your daughter's age, but if she is young and happy - leave it. Parent's always want to push for their gymnast to move up. However, it is much better for your child's confidence ( which will be what makes are breaks her in upper levels) if she has a very successful level 4 year - getting on the top of the podium that a mediocre level 5. This sets her up for a great level 5 year. Unless you think she will make the jump to level 6 next year, I think it would better to focus on 4 and do 5 next year. Having a few good 4 meets, then doing middle of the pack 5 and having to repeat 5 is psychologically worse ( in my opinion - and I have a kid who made Championships as a junior elite and is now a level 10 going off to compete at a division 1 school) than having a great level 4 year and getting medals at state. Kids are almost always happier getting called in the top 5 than being in the next level up and not getting called. At one level a year - maybe 2 at 8 or 9 - when will she hit level 10 and/or try to qualify junior elite? In hindsight I wish I had not let my husband push and had let our DD wait another year to go elite. If your DD loves the sport, trust that it will all work out.

Separate question on "favoritism" Coaches like hard workers. If other girls are getting more hours and "better coaches" have you opted for a different schedule? Many gyms that train elites have girls that do twice a day all year 'round - but in the long run they do not always outscore the girls who do not - especially at the lower levels. Are they paying for private lessons? I did not get from your post that you thought your daughter was being belittled or in any way made to feel inferior - if you think that is happening you need to have a sit down with the coach. However, if your daughter is happy, training well, her coach is telling you she has "beautiful gymnastics" and works hard - give it a rest. Let your daughter compete and progress at her own rate. If you want to know where she is, how she is progressing and if there is anything different they suggest - ask for a sit down meeting - without your daughter present.
 
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feedback.

I won't be posting videos because I wouldn't want it to get back to the gym.

Most of the girls on our team have been here about the same amount of time and I get that I shouldn't compare the girls to each other, all girls progress differently.

The head coach is the one making the decisions on who should do back to back seasons.

My hubby spends very little time at the gym and went to practice recently and made a comment to me at home about one of the girls and how unsafe her vault seems because she practically hits the table with her back every time and how sloppy her floor beam and bars look and how surprised he was. He last saw her at a meet last season. He thought she should have made more progress by now. I mentioned to him that she was getting to do back to back seasons 4/5, the look of shock on his face was priceless.

At this point, I'm just going to sit back and see how this all plays out and enjoy the season.
 

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