WAG Not creating further damage

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alr83

Proud Parent
First off, I know this is L2.....it doesn't matter....it won't matter in the long run. Got it. I really didn't think she'd be on the team for another year anyway. However....it does matter to a 6 year old.


My daughter has really enjoyed competing and this point I feel like she's earned this. She has worked really hard and has accomplished way more than anyone has expected. So here we are, knowing that a gym switch would be inevitable. We thought we could get through compulsories but I really don't think that will happen.


We have 1 coach (not her only coach) who I have some issues with. Things didn't use to be like this and then there was a big change. Attitude, yelling, belittling.....This isn't coming second hand knowledge, as after this coach decided to bend down, get 3 inches from my daughters face and yell and belittle her – I WILL NOT LEAVE MY DAUGHTER AT THE GYM ALONE any longer. The way this was done, gave me the feeling that it could have easily been turned into a physical grabbing of her. I know this is red flag #1 and we should have been gone already. Really hard decision when it is just 1 coach, the rest are fine and a lot of times we have Jekyll and Hyde. This coach can walk in the gym and she just looks angry and like she doesn't want to be here....Way before the girls even have a chance to do anything wrong. The very first direction of the day can be yelling and demeaning.


The yelling and belittling has been escalating and we know it'll be time to leave soon. So then on Monday, things definitely crossed the line – the girls were called sloppy pigs and told they were not worth coaching. Did they really do anything wrong that would warrant this? - no. They did what they always have done because nothing is ever expected of them or it's not expected of them consistently, and they weren't messing around. I don't believe that this should be acceptable under any circumstances even if they were seriously messing around. Another young team member was almost called stupid the other day. The coach got to “why are you so stup...” must have actually realized and stopped. Usually there is no stopping point. And I could go on. I also have safety concerns with this coach.


I don't know how the hc has not addressed this with this coach (except this coach is the favorite and gets away with a lot that the others don't)....you can hear her through the entire gym and over everyone else. It is one thing to be loud – it is another to be yelling and mean, especially for no reason. Tuesday was a complete 180. This coach came in nice and attempted to be motivating. There was no yelling and no belittling. There was the start of something and it got nipped right away. I find it hard to believe that this coach has made this change on her own, so I can only assume that the HC had enough / the wool was removed or another one of the girls parents heard what happened and called. I was ready to address it on Tuesday, and then everything was different. I really feel it has to be handled carefully because of the coach it is....although being asked to leave because of this at this point really wouldn't be a big deal anymore as we know we will be going sooner or later. Today seems to be on the same page.....maybe this coach was hit over the head and is changing. Guess we'll see. If the change is permanent, great...we can MAYBE stick around a little longer, but I'm skeptical. Also, it will take some time for the confidence to be rebuilt. I think it will take some time at a new gym too.


This used to be the kid that couldn't wait to get in the gym and never wanted to leave. That spark is diminishing. There have been a lot of tears on the way home, usually I can't get a real answer out of her what is wrong. We've now had a few questions in the past couple weeks of why she isn't good enough or why coaches say certain things (the belittling and mean things that she knows she is not allowed to say). She has started to shut down with this coach. I would also say that most, if not all, the girls struggle working with this coach. They just do not have the same confidence. She walks away or another coach comes up and they are completely different.


Here is my dilemma, again I know this is L2 and if she continues in this sport it won't matter in the long run, but to a 6 y/o it is important. I know that this is taking a toll and we need to get her out while she has some confidence and self-esteem left. She needs to leave before bad attitude and treating others unacceptably is continuing to rub off on her. Don't get me started on the attitude she thought would be acceptable to bring home. “But X talks to us like that.” So if we move her now in the middle of the season it is unlikely she will be able to continue to compete....that's fine, no big deal. She would have a hard time with it but we can help her through it. The harder one is that if we move her and we move to a gym that doesn't compete L2 she is unlikely to even be able to practice with their team and moved back. I understand this and it would be okay. I don't want to bring her in and cause any turmoil of why she gets to, but others don't or take extra time away from coaches and it seen as special treatment. How do I explain to a young 6 y/o that is already struggling with why a coach says she's not any good and not capable of anything that no only are we moving her for her well-being but now you can't be on the team. I think that this could also be damaging to her along with all the confidence crushing that has already gone on. I think I could explain til I'm blue in the face that this gym doesn't have a L2 team and not being on the team is not a reflection of her at all, only the way the gym levels things. I can pretty much bet on that she would put this on herself too. Her confidence and self-esteem is wavering and do I let something like this possibly add to it to not have another gym switch in a few years. *sigh I believe that if a gym would give her a chance with their L3 team, she would quickly catch up and work hard to...but the controversy over her not being at their level would probably not be worth it. They are given VERY LITTLE opportunity to do any uptraining right now.


I really thought we could stick it out until the end of the season at least- 3 months isn't that long, but when we are talking about a child's confidence and self-esteem it is an eternity. If things stay the way they are for the past couple days, then it would be ok....Another Monday and I couldn't bring her back.


****dunno, waiting on your response. LOL You know a bit about this situation, well, before Monday's incidents. I have an msg to the gym you believe we should try to go and watch a practice. I know with the holidays that it will likely be next week before I get a response. Would also love to hear your opinion on whether on top of these self-esteem issues, moving to a gym that she could not be part of a team and possibly feeling “demoted” in a sense would be further damaging. If yes, maybe a couple more options for me to check out that do have L2 teams. One thing I forgot to mention before is that our gymnast:coach ratio is really high. Typically around 12-15:1, sometimes more. Knowing more, would your opinion of when to leave remain the same?


Like I said, I thought we could wait some of it out. I just feel that Monday was a big line crossed. Other days have been too, but other coaches have made up for it. I don't know if this can be recovered from.

Thanks in advance!
 
Well, was posting this while she's in practice and then..... For the first time in maybe 2 months this coach actually helped, motivated and complimented my daughter. She came off the floor excited saying "did you see it? X helped me and said I did a good job. ' means different things to me than her.... But a little progress.

Again, still skeptical and would still like opinions about things. I hope maybe this coach had something click and things can be turned around. If not for us, for others.
 
I would talk to the HC about it, if they are not prepared to change things then I would leave.

Child abuse cannot be taken back. It will change the child she is, and frankly this is gymnastics, it is not worth allowing someone to call your kid names and yell at her. Even worse if they are nice one day abusive the next. That is typical abuser behaviour. Smack them and then pet them.

Run.
 
well, either this coach took her meds or she got a boyfriend. since both of those could be fleeting, get the hell out.

i will continue to preach, even though some of you are cray cray, that YOU are the parents. that coach's behavior is unacceptable, we're now in 2015...not 1968, and you do what you have to do.

simply tell your daughter that you are the parent and it is your responsibility to her to move her to a better environment. that if she doesn't like that then she can pick another sport and quit. she won't...:)

edited: makes you wonder what gym this coach was raised in...
 
I would talk to the HC about it, if they are not prepared to change things then I would leave.

Child abuse cannot be taken back. It will change the child she is, and frankly this is gymnastics, it is not worth allowing someone to call your kid names and yell at her. Even worse if they are nice one day abusive the next. That is typical abuser behaviour. Smack them and then pet them.

Run.

and don't forget the apologies, the flowers and the chocolate kisses...
 
Move her now. If the new gym doesn't compete level 2, there should be an appropriate preteam group for her to be part of. In the long run, her gymnastics will probably benefit more from not competing level 2 anyways. She'll get over not competing. It will be much harder for her to get over an abusive situation if she continues at the old gym.
 
Take her to the other gym for an evaluation/tryout. She may even surprise you and claim she wants to switch the gyms NOW. If not, explain to her that rather than working and polishing 'small' L2 skills, she need to work on bigger skills to be better prepared for the future. While 'not being on team' will take some fun of it, 'working on bigger skills' adds other fun.
Plus I believe she also needs to be told there is NO WAY a coach can treat her like that. Ever. So if you stay, you basically give your little girl a message that this is acceptable.
 
Thanks. Oh the decisions as parents. The things to keep them safe, but make them sad at the same time.

Dunno, that is hilarious. I didn't think about getting a boyfriend this time, but my husband has said multiple times maybe she'd be better if she got one again. Lol The issues started when 2 major things happened- turned 21 and broke up with bf.

She at the least was in our gym for h.s.

Will finish reading and comment more later. Daughter is getting a mommy/daughter pedi day.
 
Move her now. If the new gym doesn't compete level 2, there should be an appropriate preteam group for her to be part of. In the long run, her gymnastics will probably benefit more from not competing level 2 anyways. She'll get over not competing. It will be much harder for her to get over an abusive situation if she continues at the old gym.

I think the issue is that preteam isn't team and she likely wouldn't compete except maybe one in house meet. Op I think if you told her that she would get to spend more time working on her L3/L4 skills in the hope of competing a higher level next year and remind her that she wouldn't necessarily fall behind if she did preteamthen L3 instead of L2 then L3 (ie if she stayed at her gym she'd probably be L3 next year and if she moves, she will hopefully be L3....although you don't want to make promises bc many teams decide levels as early as May or June), it could go a long way to help. Many kids would rather work their back handspring on preteam than practice a million bridge kickovers for their L2 routine.

Also if worst comes to worst, could you find another gym that has an L2 team? I believe preteam then L3 or L4 is better than competing L2...I get that she will be disappointed but no matter what you need to pull her from this program ASAP (also the later in the year it gets, the harder it will be to join a new team and still be ready for L3 next year). It will be better for her emotional health and her gymnastics! Keep us updated.
 
My YDD competed level 2. She changed gyms after that and was supposed to do spring level 3 AAU (she had done USAG for level 2). That gym's ownership changed and they wanted to do only USAG. The AAU level 3 bars doesn't have a shoot through or mill circle (it is squat on, jump to high bar). Rather than having dd go back and work mill circles the new gym chose to have her skip competing and push for fall level 4. I was worried that dd would be disappointed; but she was happy with the decision. Your dd might surprise you.
 
She might be disappointed at first, but you have to think of the long run. I almost made my dd quit this year. Not because of anything the coaches were doing, but what she was doing to herself. She was struggling with skills, has watched her friends all move up in levels and was just beating herself up in an unhealthy way.

If she had continued, I would have pulled her out of gym, and she would have hated me for it.....for now. It is our job as parents to make these long-term decisions for our kids who can't see past tomorrow.

Best of luck to you!
 
My dd is a 6 yo L2 and around here L2 competes. We've already had multiple discussions that in many places, L1 and L2 don't compete.

I don't know whether your dd is really fond of competing. My dr likes it fine but I don't think it's a huge thing for her in gymnastics. She would be perfectly fine not competing and wouldn't care at all if she moved to another gym and was an equivalent level and not competing. She would care about being "demoted" but would easily accept that her new gym doesn't compete L2 and at this gym, preteam is equivalent of L2 at old gym, as evidenced by working on similar skills. Maybe your dd would as well? I find at this age, they are still so young and impressionable and so much is about how the parent and coach frames it.
 
I personally couldn't allow that to continue especially if you are seeing changes in your child. I know one of our coaches stays on my DD & it doesn't phase her but she has taken me aside to say she sees a lot of potential in her & knows what she's capable of so she won't allow any sloppy practice. In this instance, I'm grateful but would never tolerate berating or name calling, we'd be gone immediately. Also, I will say that the owner wouldn't tolerate it either.

I would not wait for her next episode before speaking to HC. Great that the past couple practices she's been nice & encouraging but that should just be a given! You're paying her to help your daughter, not tear her down.

As for being "demoted", I do believe she will handle that better in the long run than staying where she is and having to continue with this abuse.

If it is the boyfriend thing, let's hope she keeps this one!
 
Our area competes levels 1&2 as if it were a big deal. Last year, some seriously unhealthy things were going on at the gym (no yelling in her face, but other psyche damaging things to young children that were done and said that I won't get into). We moved her to another gym mid-season. So she missed 4 meets and did the state meet. She loves the meets, but she adjusted and is just fine, made new friends, likes her coaches, etc. Separate issue, but it might be beneficial to find a pre team that will move her onto lev 3 or 4. Dd has spent months perfecting level 2 stuff and is aggravated that she can't move on. I know that's not the point of this post though. The bigger issue is to get her out of there, and she will surely adapt. :)
Eta: um, calling 6 yr olds sloppy pigs is beyond unacceptable. No. Just no to everything you have described.
 
As other posters have stated- not acceptable behaviour on any level!!

Definitely let the HC know your concerns with specific examples.

As this coach has a typical pattern of abuse/ kindness as an adult I would have no faith in the long term attitude change- but hopefully will give you breathing space to find a new best fit gym.

Generally little ones take their attitude from those around them, so as others have suggested if you present the move as positive she will take that on board.

OP your little one also needs to know that you are not accepting this behaviour- at her level.

I would also work at giving her positive self esteem ' boosters' in other areas- for example art is good as it is subjective- so I would maybe get her to paint/ draw/ craft gymnastic themes ( presuming that's her main passion :) ) then 'frame ' them/ display them prominently with heaps of praise!:)
Other ideas are maybe help make/ bake/ create the families favourite treat.
The idea is for her to realise that she is great all around!
Good luck!
 
She is way too young to have to deal with behavior like that at all. Go somewhere else and take the hit for the season.
 
Don't fall I to the trap,of thinking what happens at 6 and level 2 do not matter. They matter, A LOT. 6 is a key age in gymnastics. This is where she either falls in love with sport or decides its not for her.
 
Don't fall I to the trap,of thinking what happens at 6 and level 2 do not matter. They matter, A LOT. 6 is a key age in gymnastics. This is where she either falls in love with sport or decides its not for her.

I am one that will say level 2 doesn't matter too much, but that applies to competing, etc. NOT to how a coach is mentally or verbally abusing her daughter. No one, much less a 6 yr old, deserves to be yelled at like that.
 

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