Parents Who makes the call?

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KipNurse

Proud Parent
Torn with making a decision about a gym change. Feel the change would be SO good for multiple reasons I won't go into. It has been an agonizing back and forth thought process and in the end (this morning on way to school) , told my 9 year old it was "her sport" and she could make the call. She wants to stay at current gym....loves her friends and says she's "comfortable" there (she loved her trial run at other one...but of course the thought of change is scary...and oh, a no return policy on current gym I might add) . I'm not ok with current gym, but does that really matter? Kiddo not elite...very talented but join the crowd...there are a TON of talented gymnasts out there and in the end, it will be an internal drive that takes my DD places if she chooses to stay in the sport. Just want some thoughts/opinions on those who maybe have been in this situation... ;-)
 
Long story short - I "knew" we should leave but let first DD who was 10.5, (Little Monkey was 7) decide to stay. It was not a horrible gym, but not good either. DD1's emotional ties and fear of the unknown kept her from wanting to make a switch.

Fast forward 3.5 years, DD1 decided to retire, Little Monkey was now 10 and more than ready to leave, she didn't have same ties, friendships or fears. She had a drive to improve and she had goals that at 10 years old, she was willing to accept when I told her she would not achieve her goals if she stayed at old gym. She walked away and never looked back, and from day 1, new gym felt like home. She has had successes that none of us ever dreamed of.

If I had to do it over, I would not have let DD1 make that decision. Now she is 18 and has realized that changing gyms was the best choice for LM and if she herself had been willing to try, she too could have also been a HAPPIER gymnast.
 
If you've already had a trial run at another gym, please be prepared that your decision may be made for you. I would hope this wouldn't happen to you, but the gymnastics world is very small. If your current gym finds out you've been shopping around, they may ask you to leave, especially if they have a clear "no returns" policy. Good Luck!
 
For me, it would completely depend on the reasons that you don't like the current gym.
Safety? Do they care more about the gym than the girl?

If it's just communication, commuting, not prefering a coach or two, then I'd let DD make the call. But if it's big stuff, I would make the call.

She does need to be happy and have a good internal drive (staying where she wants will foster that), but if current gym will have her going "nowhere", then internal drive won't matter.

It's a tough one.
 
We let DD make the call because it was her sport and she decided to stay. We let it go a few months and later realized she's too young to make that kind of decision and we moved her. She was upset for a day or so, but loved it shortly after switching.

In the end, we're her parents, and we have to do what's best for her. In our situation, there were reasons that made the switch better for her overall development as a person, and we couldn't ignore that.
 
We let DD make the call because it was her sport and she decided to stay. We let it go a few months and later realized she's too young to make that kind of decision and we moved her. She was upset for a day or so, but loved it shortly after switching.

In the end, we're her parents, and we have to do what's best for her. In our situation, there were reasons that made the switch better for her overall development as a person, and we couldn't ignore that.
How old was she if you don't mind me asking?
 
We let DD make the call because it was her sport and she decided to stay. We let it go a few months and later realized she's too young to make that kind of decision and we moved her. She was upset for a day or so, but loved it shortly after switching.

In the end, we're her parents, and we have to do what's best for her. In our situation, there were reasons that made the switch better for her overall development as a person, and we couldn't ignore that.

This most kids will want to stay in their comfort zone. Should their feeling be taken into account. Of course. Should we as parents do our best to help them with change and getting out of their comfort zone, of course.

And they are kids, they don't get their own places at 10 because they need parents and help and support.

We changed gyms 2 years ago. She was very resistant and sad at first. I felt like the worst mom ever, even though I knew it was a good move long term.

She now has new gym friends and has thrived at the now no longer new gym. Short term feelings are now a very distant memory. She remembers it was hard and she knows she is doing so much better where she is at. A good life lesson
 
For me, it would completely depend on the reasons that you don't like the current gym.
Safety? Do they care more about the gym than the girl?

If it's just communication, commuting, not prefering a coach or two, then I'd let DD make the call. But if it's big stuff, I would make the call.

She does need to be happy and have a good internal drive (staying where she wants will foster that), but if current gym will have her going "nowhere", then internal drive won't matter.

It's a tough one.
Hard to say what is "big stuff" ...that's my struggle. What is "big" to me, may not really be...hmmm. Thank you!
 
Long story short - I "knew" we should leave but let first DD who was 10.5, (Little Monkey was 7) decide to stay. It was not a horrible gym, but not good either. DD1's emotional ties and fear of the unknown kept her from wanting to make a switch.

Fast forward 3.5 years, DD1 decided to retire, Little Monkey was now 10 and more than ready to leave, she didn't have same ties, friendships or fears. She had a drive to improve and she had goals that at 10 years old, she was willing to accept when I told her she would not achieve her goals if she stayed at old gym. She walked away and never looked back, and from day 1, new gym felt like home. She has had successes that none of us ever dreamed of.

If I had to do it over, I would not have let DD1 make that decision. Now she is 18 and has realized that changing gyms was the best choice for LM and if she herself had been willing to try, she too could have also been a HAPPIER gymnast.
Thank you! Great reply...sounds like maybe you're in a situation where the gym probably really made a difference in your child's progress. That's awesome...Did DD1 retire because of losing her love for the sport? Injury? Just being nosy...
 
I would say it depends on a few things; the reason you're considering leaving and the child's age. If you see unsafe practices and your kid is 7, it's a nobrainer, out of there in a heartbeat and your kiddo will just have to deal, KWIM?
When my other daughter, a dancer, was considering switching dance studios last year it needed to be HER decision. It was not a safety issue, the training was good and she was not in any danger. It was much more of a political issue, and she was 12yo. If I had pushed for either decision, she would have felt pressure and resentment. Once the decision was made, I had to support her regardless.
 
How old was she if you don't mind me asking?
She was 9. It wasn't easy to push such a big change on her, especially a big change in the part of her life she loves the most, but in our situation, it was the right thing to do. Hindsight tells us it was indisputably the right choice (of course we weren't so certain then).

Edit: It was very hard. We fretted over it and wondered if we were making a major mistake that would drive her away, lead to resentment, all the bad things your fear and uncertainty can imagine. Use your judgment, do what's right for your daughter and your family.
 
For me, it would completely depend on the reasons that you don't like the current gym.
Safety? Do they care more about the gym than the girl?

If it's just communication, commuting, not prefering a coach or two, then I'd let DD make the call. But if it's big stuff, I would make the call.

She does need to be happy and have a good internal drive (staying where she wants will foster that), but if current gym will have her going "nowhere", then internal drive won't matter.

It's a tough one.

I would say it depends on a few things; the reason you're considering leaving and the child's age. If you see unsafe practices and your kid is 7, it's a nobrainer, out of there in a heartbeat and your kiddo will just have to deal, KWIM?
When my other daughter, a dancer, was considering switching dance studios last year it needed to be HER decision. It was not a safety issue, the training was good and she was not in any danger. It was much more of a political issue, and she was 12yo. If I had pushed for either decision, she would have felt pressure and resentment. Once the decision was made, I had to support her regardless.

Want to be clear that unsafe practices aren't in play. But rather issues like: "not clicking with the same coach after 3 plus years" and "toxic parent culture of parents who cry favoritism and coach tries to keep all happy and fair and move them all together" and "lack of a positive atmosphere" are all just irritating reasons to me...(there are more but sometimes a bunch of irritants wrapped up together can make it all seem so BIG!)
 
We're going through the same thing. My dd is 7. We did a trial at new gym & she wanted to switch (much to our dismay). We wanted her to switch, obviously but had no idea she would actually WANT to go. We're 3 weeks into the decision and I can tell she's unsure of herself and at times, sad. I find myself staying to watch at the new gym because I'm worried & she's very shy so having me there helps her. However, I know this will pass. She does have friends from previous gym that came too, so there's familiar faces. I just think the coaches & girls are still new to her. At old gym, there was a lot more goofing off, standing around, playing, socializing and much of that we're the optionals that we felt should have been good examples. There was a coach causing a safety issue and a girl being a bully as well. The owner was unapproachable at all, very defensive & childish. I was done last year, actually but kept her there 1 more year because she loved her teammates, coaches & we loved the families. For us though, she was moving up a level & only 2 of her friends were moving with her & both of them are at the new gym.

I know the position your in. I get it. It's agonizing! (Or at least it has been for me!). If she wants to stay and she's adamantly opposing the switch, you may need to stick it out a bit longer but as others have said, if safety's involved, I wouldn't give her the choice. If she's happy with coaches, teammates, etc., it may not be the best time to make the switch. That's just where we were last year. Hoping you figure it out soon & have a clear answer.
 
We're going through the same thing. My dd is 7. We did a trial at new gym & she wanted to switch (much to our dismay). We wanted her to switch, obviously but had no idea she would actually WANT to go. We're 3 weeks into the decision and I can tell she's unsure of herself and at times, sad. I find myself staying to watch at the new gym because I'm worried & she's very shy so having me there helps her. However, I know this will pass. She does have friends from previous gym that came too, so there's familiar faces. I just think the coaches & girls are still new to her. At old gym, there was a lot more goofing off, standing around, playing, socializing and much of that we're the optionals that we felt should have been good examples. There was a coach causing a safety issue and a girl being a bully as well. The owner was unapproachable at all, very defensive & childish. I was done last year, actually but kept her there 1 more year because she loved her teammates, coaches & we loved the families. For us though, she was moving up a level & only 2 of her friends were moving with her & both of them are at the new gym.

I know the position your in. I get it. It's agonizing! (Or at least it has been for me!). If she wants to stay and she's adamantly opposing the switch, you may need to stick it out a bit longer but as others have said, if safety's involved, I wouldn't give her the choice. If she's happy with coaches, teammates, etc., it may not be the best time to make the switch. That's just where we were last year. Hoping you figure it out soon & have a clear answer.
Thank you for the thoughtful answer! And would love to hear as time goes on how she adapts ;-)
 
Thank you! Great reply...sounds like maybe you're in a situation where the gym probably really made a difference in your child's progress. That's awesome...Did DD1 retire because of losing her love for the sport? Injury? Just being nosy...

For DD1, I'm not sure she actually ever LOVED gymnastics. I know that is a weird thing to say for a kid who spent 15 hours a week doing something. For her, gymnastics came easy and naturally although she wasn't superb at it, she was very good in the compulsory levels. When it got harder, and coaching was definitely slacking, she became discouraged. At first, around age 11-12 in level 7 and 8, it was a joke with 2 other teammates to see who was going to be "not last". By age 13, it was not funny anymore and became demotivating. Around this same time, she discovered her love for cheering. She also tried soccer briefly. She started her last season with the intention to quit gymnastics at the end, that was 8th grade.

The issues we had with the gym were lack of communication, team kids not being treated as importantly as rec classes and several other things that the gym had begun to offer (besides gymnastics). Bullying was an issue between one of the older girls and several of the younger kids including my DD2 that were inadequately addressed by the owner. Same kid and others being disrespectful to coaches. Lack of progression of the higher levels with coaches being unable to teach new/harder skills. Older DD's group was also being verbal abused by coach/owner.

For Little Monkey, her last 2 seasons (at old gym) were on the upswing because gym had hired a new coach (who, coincidentally, had taught all 3 of my kids at our first gym when they were little). He got her through some struggles on bars, got some new skills, and taught her how to vault properly. As a 10 yr old level 7, she began to really shine. As I said earlier, she had goals, love, and drive. She was more than ready to make the move even mid-season and I was the one more hesitant on such a huge change that would have involved new coaching, new team, and finishing out at L8 (b/c new team didn't have any 7's that year). So I made her wait till after L7 States and she left the next day.
 
If choices were up to DD, she would never change anything.
When she was 6, I made her switch gyms.
When she was 7, I made her switch schools.

In both instances, she was angry, unwilling, and unbelievably sad. Within 2 weeks of each change, she was happy about my decision, and admitted she bassinet want to go back. And this kid hates to admit she is ever wrong!

Good luck!
 
Want to be clear that unsafe practices aren't in play. But rather issues like: "not clicking with the same coach after 3 plus years" and "toxic parent culture of parents who cry favoritism and coach tries to keep all happy and fair and move them all together" and "lack of a positive atmosphere" are all just irritating reasons to me...(there are more but sometimes a bunch of irritants wrapped up together can make it all seem so BIG!)


If your child is having problems with the coach after 3 years, and you see problems of perceived favoritism, then, I don't think it is a decision you should put on a 9 year old.

I spent too much time debating the gym move last year and letting my DD have input ( she was 10). Like you, there wasn't a SAFETY issue - so I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her it was her sport, her decision. There were still many good things about her old gym.

In the end, though, it was too much pressure for a child. When I finally told her that her father and I were taking the decision out of her hands, the relief on her face and in her demeanor was obvious. She had too much invested with her coaches and friends to even consider leaving, it felt like a betrayal to her. And her parents wanted to leave, so she wanted to please us.

I did let her have input into the choice of the new gym.
 
I left the choice to DD and she didn't want to move (she was older than your DD though). I wish I had overruled her! I read your post about spotting issues and it seems like the coach's philosophy isn't working for you--if she liked the trial and you liked the other gym, she will adjust to a move!
 
Want to be clear that unsafe practices aren't in play. But rather issues like: "not clicking with the same coach after 3 plus years" and "toxic parent culture of parents who cry favoritism and coach tries to keep all happy and fair and move them all together" and "lack of a positive atmosphere" are all just irritating reasons to me...(there are more but sometimes a bunch of irritants wrapped up together can make it all seem so BIG!)
Who do you want your daughter to grow up to be? Teachers, coaches, friends, etc all influence who your daughter becomes. Which is not to say that you should teach her to run away, but it's certainly a valid concern that you don't want her spending a large portion of her time with toxic people.
 

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