Parents College recruiting process...part of the problem?

[Madden3]

I just received an interesting e-mail. FYI this e-mail is coming from NCSA, "Next College Student Athlete" which as far as I can tell is a for profit college sports recruiting firm. (And, fyi, they do NOT include gymnastics as one of the sports they recruit for.)

We are on their email list only because my son is starting HS next year and when we signed him up for sports team participation at his school, we indicated on the form that he would be interested in college sports... just because...why not be interested? Not because he is in any way likely to be recruited for any college sport as far as we can tell at this point.

But that is just background and not really the point. Here is why my jaw is dropping right now:

This email was titled: "Should parents contact coaches for their athlete?" And here is how it begins (with edits indicated .... for relevance)

"The recruiting process is starting earlier each year, with recruits as young as 12 or 13 years old getting college offers...

Throughout the recruiting process, the athletes—not their parents—should be contacting college coaches. Coach Taylor White, an NCSA recruiting expert who has coached baseball at the DI level, explains, “I’m not recruiting the parent—I’m recruiting the student-athlete. The second I feel the parent is overstepping their bounds, I start to raise a red flag, especially early on.” He adds that, especially at the beginning of the recruiting process, it’s crucial for coaches to get to know the student-athlete. Emails, phone calls, texts, DMs, etc. should all come from the athlete. Not only will it help the coach get a better understanding of who the recruit is as a person, but it will show the coach that the athlete is responsible enough to manage their own recruiting process."

Ok, they are suggesting kids as young as middle school should be in private, one to one contact with adult coaches they do not know...at all. And that parents whose kids want to compete in college must be very careful to not "overstep their bounds." Um. What? Is there some other way to read this? And am I wrong to think this is insane?

 

[thefellowsmom]

My did is a first year level 10 and 13 years old. We were also told this by a recruiting consultant (she put on a seminar at a meet we were at) and from her coach.

This is how we have handled it in the little we have done so far.

Her season ended early due to an injury and she felt strongly that she should email the coaches of the teams that she is very interested in and/or has had interactions with and/or interest from and let them know what happened and that she was sad to not be able to have her shot at nationals this year but was ready to get to work on next year and let them know she was planning on sending them videos of her stuff as soon as she is back at it. We also put together a resume (one pages with skills, routines, school stuff, outside activities etc) and we put together some season highlights (the best we could — she was suffering most of the season and did not have the results she was looking for) and sent links to her youtube and social media.

She wrote personal emails to each coach taylored to the school and her experiences with each one or why they were her favorite or whatever. She wrote these without help from me. They were in her voice and from her personal email address. I added a PS at the bottom because her gym is changing head coaches so I added a note (hi this is mom chiming in) at the end just giving new contact information and a date that they could still call and talk to her existing coach. But that was it. Everything else was all her. I did read each one to make sure it all sounded appropriate but I tried my very best not to alter her voice or what she said.

They made it very clear that when they are 13 they want them to sound like they are 13 and that they are writing in their authentic voice.

I monitor her email, public gymnastics instagram and youtube channels. I look at all mail that comes for her. If we get to a point where a coach wants her to call them then I will sit with her while she does this, but she will do the talking and make the phone call. I think you can monitor the situation and still let them be in the driver seat. It’s a balance I think.

 

[Madden3]

Thanks for explaining how you are navigating this. And I agree, a parent certainly can closely monitor...but do they? Doing that is not what is being suggested. Instead, it seems to me that the parents are being cautioned to stay as far out of the process as possible.

Just to be clear before I go on, I am not looking for advice in how to contact college coaches. I am questioning why college recruiting is being framed this way. This is not the first I have heard this - 2 or 3 years ago, USAG mag published an article on college recruiting of WAG gymnasts that made many of the same cautions and 'helpful suggestions.' That article creeped me out as well because it made absolutely no reference to the parent's role. At the time, that article was brought up and condemned here because the person who wrote it had been accused of abuse. So the convo here was in that direction of outrage over USAG publishing an article by that coach, rather than about the content of the article. Since I had no idea who had written it, my negative impression was entirely about the content.

So, in your case, you are carefully monitoring communications as of course is appropriate. (All parents should be monitoring all their child's social media but that is a separate issue.)

But you are also being careful that everything comes from your daughter and is in "her voice" as the coaches have made clear they want. My point is why? Why is it assumed that parent contact is bad but child contact is good? Why can't all contact be joint? This is my concern...the way I see it, this indicates that it is assumed that children are the best at articulating and advocating for themselves when that has been demonstrably NOT the case, and that parent involvement leads to...what- unwanted interference? Parents are put in the enemy camp or at the very least the clueless, irrelevant camp, creating an us against them mentality. How is this healthy? Isolating the child from the parental influence is how grooming works....it is also how cults work. Of course, most college coaches are not out to abuse prospective athletes. But why promote a culture that normalizes these attitudes and behaviors when there are viable alternatives?

I get it that the coach wants to get to know the athlete themselves before recruiting them. Of course! But it seems backwards to me that contact with the child is the first steps and parents are being strongly cautioned to hide or diminish any entirely appropriate role they have in the process!

To me this displays exactly the kind of 'coach knows best and parents should back off' thinking that has been at least partly to blame for the enormous and horribly damaging crisis in USA gymnastics. And apparently this is how it is with ALL sports? This is my concern and what I am wondering is if I am the one with a screw loose.

 

[rjb123]

It is a violation of safe sport for a child to have one on one contact (phone, email etc) with an adult coach without a parent/ guardian present. They should be encouraging ALL kids to CC their parent/ guardian on all correspondence, and frankly, I think a including a note like "in order to comply with safe sport guidelines, I have copied my parents on this email." is a great idea. JMHO.

 

[BachFlyer]

I don't think you have a screw loose at all. I think you make some extremely valid points. We've been through the recruiting process, and did our best to make the communication from my dd rather than me, it never occurred to me that it is a continuation of the same parent-alienating culture that is pervasive and problematic in the sport. While I believe that a girl who is 16-18 should have a ton more agency, I totally understand where you are coming from when dealing with much younger girls. Just because they have to think about college early as gymnastics recruits, doesn't mean that they parents shouldn't have a role to play.

 

[Madden3]

Ok thanks. It is disturbing for any age minor IMO (more on that in a moment) but with younger and younger recruiting happening, what may have been ok communication practice when we are talking about a HS junior is now being suggested as appropriate for a 7th grader. That is nuts.

As far as older teens, maturity ranges wildly in the teens and early 20s and as we discover more and more about brain development it is becoming clear that brains mature to "adult" much later than what was once believed. When making these contacts, it seems odd to trust the immature brain of someone who is possibly desperate to please prospective coaches over the adult brains of the parents who are more capable of thinking long term than the athlete and more motivated to think long term than the coach.

I am sure there are pushy parents or overprotective parents who somehow screw up their college athletes. I get it. But in that case isn't it most likely the parents are pulling the strings anyway? I think that by and large society errs when it does not trust parents to not only want what is best but know what is best for their kids. So it seems to me that parents should be welcomed as full and trusted partners in this process.

It is a violation of safe sport for a child to have one on one contact (phone, email etc) with an adult coach without a parent/ guardian present.

yes, that is what I have understood. But I wonder how much social media in it's many various and shifting forms plays into it and how parents can be expected to monitor everything. I think the social media component makes this all much more dangerous.

They should be encouraging ALL kids to CC their parent/ guardian on all correspondence, and frankly, I think a including a note like "in order to comply with safe sport guidelines, I have copied my parents on this email." is a great idea. JMHO.

I agree. Parents need to be vigilant, but the culture that makes a point of marginalizing them is problematic, and that is my point. Despite this rule, it seems that prospective athletes are being encouraged to make direct contact...for all the coach would know, the cc could be going to a dummy account. If everything is supposed to be from the athlete and not the parent, where is the accountability?

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

I will be honest and admit that I am the one that has sent all of the emails to all of the college coaches but the emails come from "her" email account (which I monitor). My DD is only 12 and I would cringe to think of what she would or wouldn't put in an email to a college coach. I also monitor and do all the postings on her gymnastics instragram account and I also run and manage her youtube account. Her coaches have encouraged her to start calling some college coaches but she hasn't felt comfortable enough to do that yet. But now that nationals is over I know that they will want her to start reaching out to some coaches, so I may come up with a script or something for her and then she can answer any questions that they have for her. I would, however, be in the room with her when she makes these phone calls.

 

[gymmomx2]

My DD is almost 12 and is in no way (NO WAY!!!!!) ready to have a meaningful conversation with a college coach about her future. Heck, we’re still working on communicating effectively with her COACHES with whom she has trained for the past 5-6 years! She may do somewhat better via email but I feel it is completely nuts to have this expectation of 12/13 year olds.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

I think it's crazy that 12 year olds even know what college is and what it's for. When I was 12 I had no clue, and I'm pretty sure that neither did my class mates. I think we had just discovered what high school means, and we learned that from teen movies and books.

It's even more crazy that 12 year olds are supposed to be in contact with adults they have never met and talk to them about their future plans. Their future plans should include things like what they are going to wear for school on Monday, who they want to ask to a dance in the school disco and where they want to go for a summer camp.

Somebody should put an end to that kind of crazyness! Kids should be kids and not worry about something that is not going to happen in 6 years.

 

[Madden3]

I will be honest and admit that I am the one that has sent all of the emails to all of the college coaches but the emails come from "her" email account (which I monitor). My DD is only 12 and I would cringe to think of what she would or wouldn't put in an email to a college coach. I also monitor and do all the postings on her gymnastics instragram account and I also run and manage her youtube account. Her coaches have encouraged her to start calling some college coaches but she hasn't felt comfortable enough to do that yet. But now that nationals is over I know that they will want her to start reaching out to some coaches, so I may come up with a script or something for her and then she can answer any questions that they have for her. I would, however, be in the room with her when she makes these phone calls.

See to me this level of involvement is entirely appropriate. I think it is terrible parents are made to feel they are doing something wrong when they are only looking out for the health, happiness and (present and future) well being of their child. That's our job.

And the earlier and earlier recruiting makes no sense to me at all. Again it is not just gym this is happening! I would love to understand why it is thought recruiting prior to junior year of HS (when most non-athlete kids decide what colleges they are interested in) is important and ok.

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

I think it's crazy that 12 year olds even know what college is and what it's for. When I was 12 I had no clue, and I'm pretty sure that neither did my class mates. I think we had just discovered what high school means, and we learned that from teen movies and books.

It's even more crazy that 12 year olds are supposed to be in contact with adults they have never met and talk to them about their future plans. Their future plans should include things like what they are going to wear for school on Monday, who they want to ask to a dance in the school disco and where they want to go for a summer camp.

Somebody should put an end to that kind of crazyness! Kids should be kids and not worry about something that is not going to happen in 6 years.

Just to play devils advocate here...most 12 year olds aren’t in a sport that requires them to train 20+ hours a week and sacrifice so much so while I agree let’s also remember that some of these 12 year olds are not your average 12 year old.

 

[profmom]

FlippinLilysMom, when you write to coaches on your daughter's email account, do you make it clear that you are the author of the email? I believe you should not be impersonating your daughter. In a college environment, it's considered a form of academic dishonesty to represent your writing as someone else's.

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

FlippinLilysMom, when you write to coaches on your daughter's email account, do you make it clear that you are the author of the email? I believe you should not be impersonating your daughter. In a college environment, it's considered a form of academic dishonesty to represent your writing as someone else's.

I sign my name as well as hers but send it from her email account.

 

[duyetanh]

I also monitor and do all the postings on her gymnastics instragram account and I also run and manage her youtube account.

I understand the making it a parent run acct, especially as kids aren’t supposed to have their own acct until they are 13 (a rule many don’t follow). I am curious though, does she have any say in the account in terms of who she follows, “likes,” etc? Or is this all your choice, and if so how do you choose?

 

[profmom]

You might consider sending from your account until she is old enough to write for herself (obviously with you reading things before she sends). I don't know how coaches see it, but I can tell you that it's not viewed positively among faculty and administrators when we receive email from a child's account that is actually from the parent. My son isn't at a point in terms of gymnastics where he would get anything out of contacting coaches, but by around 13, he was certainly able to write a formal note to an unknown adult that would have put him in a good light. (We are those mean parents who have been making our kids email their own teachers instead of doing it ourselves about things since late elementary school. He also had to set up and meet all of his biweekly phone appointments with the Rabbi to prepare for his bar mitzvah, which was a bit bumpy at first but certainly pushed him to be more mature and responsible in his communications with adults! )

 

[FlippinLilysMom]

I understand the making it a parent run acct, especially as kids aren’t supposed to have their own acct until they are 13 (a rule many don’t follow). I am curious though, does she have any say in the account in terms of who she follows, “likes,” etc? Or is this all your choice, and if so how do you choose?

Yes she does have input into all things that happen on her IG account

 

[justanothergymmom]

"The recruiting process is starting earlier each year, with recruits as young as 12 or 13 years old getting college offers...

Throughout the recruiting process, the athletes—not their parents—should be contacting college coaches. Coach Taylor White, an NCSA recruiting expert who has coached baseball at the DI level, explains, “I’m not recruiting the parent—I’m recruiting the student-athlete. The second I feel the parent is overstepping their bounds, I start to raise a red flag, especially early on.” He adds that, especially at the beginning of the recruiting process, it’s crucial for coaches to get to know the student-athlete. Emails, phone calls, texts, DMs, etc. should all come from the athlete. Not only will it help the coach get a better understanding of who the recruit is as a person, but it will show the coach that the athlete is responsible enough to manage their own recruiting process."

Ok, they are suggesting kids as young as middle school should be in private, one to one contact with adult coaches they do not know...at all. And that parents whose kids want to compete in college must be very careful to not "overstep their bounds." Um. What? Is there some other way to read this? And am I wrong to think this is insane?

5-6ish years one of my children was 12-13 when the recruiting process began for her. I, not my child, made the initial phone calls. It is entirely up to the parent how quickly they want the recruiting process to go, and at what pace, and in what fashion. Just because "they" are suggesting children this young be in contact with adult coaches doesn't mean parents must allow it. It is up to each family to decide what is right for their own situation. If your child is being actively sought after at such a young age, they are certainly talented enough that schools will wait around until that family is ready.

 

[Seeker]

5-6ish years one of my children was 12-13 when the recruiting process began for her. I, not my child, made the initial phone calls. It is entirely up to the parent how quickly they want the recruiting process to go, and at what pace, and in what fashion. Just because "they" are suggesting children this young be in contact with adult coaches doesn't mean parents must allow it. It is up to each family to decide what is right for their own situation. If your child is being actively sought after at such a young age, they are certainly talented enough that schools will wait around until that family is ready.

Not necessarily. And certainly not if others responded at 12 and they don’t have any more space for scholarship athletes. Therein lies the conundrum.

 

[justanothergymmom]

Not necessarily. And certainly not if others responded at 12 and they don’t have any more space for scholarship athletes. Therein lies the conundrum.

Committing at such an early age guarantees absolutely nothing, and can create TONS of unnecessary pressure/heartache/drama. I have seen it all in the past 5 years. SO much can change between the ages of 12/13 and 18. If your child is that talented, the right schools will wait. If they won't wait, then they really don't want YOUR child...they want ANY child that is talented like your child. There is a difference.

 

[Seeker]

I understand what you’re saying, but I’ve been around a while and seen a lot too. Sometimes they wait; often then don’t. There are no guarantees either way which was exactly my point.