Parents Am I overreacting?

[2gymkids]

I can see both sides...but honestly I think my kid wouldn't have been happy either way. Just like she doesn't like getting called up for a participation trophy, she'd probably feel bad that she got a bag even when she didn't qualify. I don't know what the right answer is. It's a nice gesture, but I'm kind of over the goodie bag phenomenon, too.

 

[HoldThePhone]

I have mixed feelings about this.

If I were making bags for State and it wasn't like a Teamuch Mom duty or something, I surely would not have left out one child. Perhaps I would have put notes on the bags that said "good luck at states" and "congrats on a great season of hard work" or something if there really needed to be a distinction. I'm a pretty inclusive person though, and really hate for people's feelings to be hurt.

That said, it doesn't seem like it was this mom's job to make bags, and it was a nice thing she did. While it's unfortunate the way it was handled, being given in front of your daughter, I would try to explain that they all made State and that was a special thing that mom does for girls that make State. Make it less about your daughter and more about the girls that received it. Kids tend to feed off what we as parentsoon put out, and no matter how upset something makes us, if we can shield them from that emotion, they're very likely to recover from it more quickly. Also, if coach said she's the hardest worker in the group, tell her you want to celebrate that accomplishment. No one else on the tea, can say that, so celebrate that with something special instead!

 

[gymcat]

Giving goodie bags to just those who made state would have fine if they had been handed out at the meet, but to hand them out in front of everyone at practice is rude and unnecessary.

 

[Seeker]

I think that it is a bit much to compare this to "not everyone should get a trophy" (which I agree with -- they shouldn't). This is different in that it IS personal -- we are talking about teammates and relatively young kids (I saw mention of age 10-12) that are learning to navigate challenging social situations. Imagine your child standing at the lockers with her teammates and every. single. kid. is handed "something" -- the birthday party invite or gift bag -- doesn't matter what it is. It is beyond rude to handle it that way without saying anything to the child in question -- just skipped right over them as if they don't exist. No matter which side of the coin you're looking at, that is not the proper way to handle such a scenario.

Just like learning that you don't always win, or get invited, or get a trophy...having some very basic rudimentary manners is also a great life skill. One that clearly needs to be taught.

 

[NY Dad]

You're not overreacting, that's mean.
She handed these gifts out at practice? All the other girls opened it in front of your dd? Did any of the other parents (or even kids) feel bad for your dd?
You said that she commented that it was a reminder that she didn't make it (poor kid). Hopefully shes still holding her head high.

 

[MomIdidit!]

I'm so disgusted that there are such horrendous, insensitive and rude parents in the world. I'm sorry your dd didn't make states this year.....big hugs to her and I personally hope she has a killer next season. Although the bags were a nice gesture, to hand them out in front of your girl is just in poor taste imo.

And please don't get me started about the birthday-sleeping over.....omg....who would even do such a thing???? I am just shocked that a mom would even be so mean. I feel like inviting your dd to our next gym sleep over.

And we wonder why we have so many unruly, disturbed people in the world...... nope, you are not overreacting!!

 

[suebee]

I really hate to leave kids out. I don't believe you always need to invite everyone to a party, but I feel like if you do not invite everyone, then you also do not talk about it in front of people who are not invited, you do not pass out invitations in front of people who are not invited, and you do not invite everyone except one or two - either invite everyone or invite a few. I feel like those are just rules of common courtesy.

In this situation, the fact that most of the girls made it to States and a few did not definitely makes the goody bag thing worse, IMO. If only a few girls had made it and most had not, and mom gave those out, I think I'd find it less distasteful, although I still think it would have been better to give them out at States or more discreetly.

 

[MuggleMom]

I feel like if it was just a few kids that made it to states that would be one thing but if its everyone but 1-2 kids just make the extra bags or give them out when at states so the 2 kids don't feel even more left out. I am not sure its rude (to me that implies intent) but at the very least it is thoughtless.

 

[momstrong]

No, it was a surprise. Birthday girl had been talking for weeks about party and how the whole team would be included. As I understand it, gym had a limit on number of guests that was a few shy of the entire team. So mom decided exclude the handful of girls that were a little older than her child. Just happened that DD was the only one of those girls there that day. Not that this was explained at any point, mind you. I actually called the mom because it seemed so crazy that DD had been excluded and this was the excuse/reason I was given. Didn't help. I wouldn't normally had called to ask at all, but it seemed entirely possible that she just had skipped over DD in the gaggle of girls surrounding her. Her child was turning 10, DD was 12. So old enough to understand that you don't always get invited, but also old enough for the exclusion to run right into pre-teen anxiety about everything in the world. Ugly, all the way around.

Wow. I'm so sorry. Usually the number of guests is what is included and you can pay per additional (over 10 guests is $X), but maybe not. In any case, still so insensitive! I can see my dd going through this at some point since she is 10 and will be the oldest on team if she makes it this summer. And now your relationship with that mom as part of the team is probably strained. I guess it's good to know who your friends are or aren't. And I don't think it was odd that you called to clarify. I probably would have done the same thing. My dd just had a sleepover, skating bday that started out as 4 girls, but morphed into 9 because, "I really want to invite X, but then it will hurt Y's feelings, and then when I invite Y, I really think I should invite her sister too..." I love that my dd is sensitive like me. It is a curse sometimes, but she would rather have not had a party like this one if it meant excluding people. Hugs to you and your dd - sensitive people unite.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Just like learning that you don't always win, or get invited, or get a trophy...having some very basic rudimentary manners is also a great life skill. One that clearly needs to be taught.

A thousand times this.

 

[Really]

That is crazy. I myself would talk to the mom and say "Hey, I know you wanted to celebrate with the girls who made States, but I really wish you would have waited till the actual meet to hand out those goody bags. DD is feeling super disappointed as it is that she didn't make states, and now she also feels excluded from the group of girls that you handed out goody bags to right in front of her. Do you think maybe you could wait till States next year to hand out goody bags?"

Then I might also email the team moms an article about how to undermine intrinsic motivation by providing such things as goody bags for a goal that all the girls wanted to accomplish anyway.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I am not sure its rude (to me that implies intent) but at the very least it is thoughtless.

These are grown ups we are talking about. It was rude....................

 

[momstrong]

I think that it is a bit much to compare this to "not everyone should get a trophy" (which I agree with -- they shouldn't). This is different in that it IS personal -- we are talking about teammates and relatively young kids (I saw mention of age 10-12) that are learning to navigate challenging social situations. Imagine your child standing at the lockers with her teammates and every. single. kid. is handed "something" -- the birthday party invite or gift bag -- doesn't matter what it is. It is beyond rude to handle it that way without saying anything to the child in question -- just skipped right over them as if they don't exist. No matter which side of the coin you're looking at, that is not the proper way to handle such a scenario.

Just like learning that you don't always win, or get invited, or get a trophy...having some very basic rudimentary manners is also a great life skill. One that clearly needs to be taught.

YES!!! Thank you for saying it better than I could.

 

[e'smum]

last night one of my dd's teammates handed out candy bars to everyone. they are all going to state but one (she didn't compete beam all season) but she was there last night to wish everyone good luck. they ALL got candy bars. and the girl handing them out isn't going to states b/c of an injury. the candy bars had a cute wrapper on them with our gym's name along with saying level 6. i don't think it said anything about states - which are tomorrow.

today, my dd handed out a cute lollipop with an inspiration sticker that we put on each one (this was a huge hit and the girls were vying for their favorite quotes). she had one for each girl on the team even though i don't think either girl who isn't going to states was there today as she came home with 2 extra. she will give those girls theirs on monday. everyone was included. it was more about celebrating the end of their year together as level 6 as they don't all compete together tomorrow.

i don't mind giving out goodie bags. one mom did it when they had an early meet and she knew they'd be hungry after. she put in each bag, something for them to eat while waiting for awards. the girls very much appreciated those! but include everyone. that's just a basic rule of being polite. which some parents seem to not get.

 

[OwlGalLiz]

We had a mom who handed up birthday invites at practice -- for a gym party/sleep over. Every girl except mine. Who was standing right there while invites were give out over her head. She's old enough to be mostly OK with "I wasn't invited" but that was over-the-top mean in my opinion. So sorry your daughter had to deal with this!

Similar happened to my son. From the boy who lives across the street and is a few years older. He invited everyone on the team except my son to a party at his house (yes, across the street from ours) and told my son specifically that he wasn't invited. A few team kids and parents witnessed it and decided not to attend the party, due to the nature of the invites. My son was in tears at first (he was barely 8 at the time, and the older boy was like a big brother to him), but we got him to understand that life's not always fair. And children like that usually have (and turn into) the kind of parents who don't think of others when they pass out invites, goody bags to a select few, etc. I am sorry you are dealing with that. It was very insensitive. She should give them out at state. Thoughtful idea. Just poorly executed timing.

 

[blueredzone]

Could it be that the bags were not handed out at state because they all compete at different times? Making it difficult for that particular parent to hand bags out.

Not saying it's okay but maybe it's unavoidable to be handed out at practice.

 

[CuriousCate]

At our gym, parents all donate one item to 'state' bags that each level opens the practice right before their states. Every kid receives a bag, even if they didn't qualify for states. They should maybe call them 'end of season' bags. But I'm sure watching your teammates go off to states without you stings enough without having to watch them all open a special gift that you don't get. I'd be fine with no bags at all, but the kids get really excited about picking the item they put in the bag for their teammates.

I actually really love this idea.

 

[Gymmommy71]

My first reaction is who does this mom think she is? Is she the rewards and prizes manager of the team? Did the gym ask her to do this? That would be like me going to a meet and deciding I'm going to give a lollipop to everyone who gets a 9 on an event, or a 36 AA, or sticks their beam routine - who am I to decide to do such a thing? That is not my place. A coach or owner should be doing something like that, and not a parent. People like that really annoy me.

In my area the bar to make it to states is pretty low - there's usually only 1 or 2 girls per team who can't get that score (ones who are usually having a major issue or are really underperforming) and no one would ever dare to single them out by doing something like that. At least I hope they wouldn't. Now if the state score is kind of hard to get, one that say only half of the girls are able to do, I could see giving them something - but it still should come from the gym/coaches and not some random mom who apparently thinks she's the rewards coordinator of the group.

 

[Sasha]

To the OP - you say the mom has been talked to about this before, but has ignored the suggestion to include everyone. I'm curious - who talked to the mom? A coach? Or another parent?

While generally speaking I support giving a reward to specific athletes who have earned a particular milestone, I can't think of a single mom I know who would publicly present a gift that knowingly excludes just 1 child. I feel this mom's act is different than an official recognition coming from the coach or program (e.g., everyone who makes it to states gets a pin, star on the wall, an ice cream coupon or whatever...). If I were the coach, I might be annoyed (or worse) that this parent was undermining, or at least interfering with, my motivation tactics. If she had kept it private, and outside of class, then that might have been fine.

Edited to add: Now, if "State gift bags" are a program-sanctioned reward, and this mom were simply in charge of that, then that is fine, and sometimes it may end up that only one athlete is left out. Fair enough, life lessons. But sounds like she just 'invented' this reward and applied it by her rules (which benefit her own daughter). Sketchy.

 

[Gymnastmama]

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