Parents Moms Who Critique Other Kids: A Short Vent

[raenndrops]

At our gym, nobody is looking to be a high level gymnast.
We once had an Old L4 that was 5'8". When we comment on a gymnast's growth, it is definitely NOT done meanly.
We actually use older girls' growth experiences to reassure the younger ones when they struggle after a growth spurt.
In fact, this week, YG (age 12) had another growth spurt. She lost her GLIDE on bars that totally messed up her timing on her kip.
She happened to be in a group where she was the youngest. Everyone was doing kip-cast-back hip a kip a cast a back hip.
She was frustrated because she couldn't do her kip. She was dragging her legs behind because she couldn't glide with her legs in front.
After a quick water break (and tears), she went back. HC and I quickly talked. Her glide was broken. I went up to YG and realized she is only 1/4 inch shorter than me... So obviously it was a growth spurt. One girl in the group had gone through a terrible time when she had a major growth spurt. She and HC told YG that her skill loss was so bad that she had to relearn her back handspring... And at the time, she had been competing them for 3 years! It helped. Then other girls in the group shared struggles they had -kips, FlyAway's, beam skills, etc.
10 minutes later, her glide was getting better AND she was attempting high bar kips for the first time. She was sooooo close. From tears to smiles in a short time because of open discussion among the girls and coaches.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I feel so blessed that I am too busy now to sit through the commentary in the parent viewing area..! *Those* parents definitely are at every gym, of every gender (we have one dad who is worse than any of the moms!) and at least at our gym, lots of them are well versed in couching nastiness in "well meaning concern" or straight up back handed compliments. There are several truly toxic parents at our gym who on the surface appear very sweet and caring about everyone. Lets just say my eyes have been opened and I cannot unsee the things I have seen... definitely not limited to compulsories (although there is a special kind of craziness there, lol), one of our highest ranking gymnasts Mom is one of the worst armchair critics at every single practice..!
My advice? Care about your kid. Support, but don't be too concerned with, every other kid on the team. Put earbuds in if you absolutely have to watch practice.

 

[mommyof1]

Re. CGDs: When my daughter started preteam at her former gym, a dad told me that it wasn't fair to his daughter that mine had been moved up because my daughter was going to hold his daughter back. His daughter had no more skills than mine, and hated gymnastics so much that she would run up to her parents in the bleachers either hyperventilating or bawling at least once during every practice (they both watched). I think the kid lasted about another month before the parents gave up and pulled her. Rumor had it that the mom posted on social media that the kid was joining a different team, but that gym declined to extend an invitation after her tryout. These kids were five and six years old at the time.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Any other moms encounter these moms?
First of all I'll start by saying I watch my kid about 1-2 hours out of about 20 hours of practice a week. So, my experience is limited in my encounters.
However...
I hear moms talk about children...that are not theirs. And also, I'll have to clarify they aren't usually talking in a complimentary manner (wouldn't that be nice?).
It is usually commentary on:
A child's rough practice. Said in a way that is not at all concerned, but rather slightly pleased to see another child struggle that is not theirs.
A child's/parent's scheduling of private lessons. How many...what skills...their intentions/motivations.
A child's growth spurt...again, you and I both know that growth isn't exactly a positive in this sport. And the moms I hear talking about this are usually commenting on a girl's height change and her...ahem...development. Which we all know is code for "Suzie is no longer teeny tiny and is now a giant in the world of gymnastics and has now GOD FORBID shown she is normal and is developing. Her gymnastics career is now over as she can no longer fit in her mom's pocket and also is actually starting to look her age. So sad. (Again, not at all concerned...simply giddy at the misfortune this child has of being normal).
A child's "ugly" skills. Ugly leaps. Ugly tumbling. Ugly bar form. Yes...using the word "ugly".
And of course most of this is done in comparison to their child (who is inevitably the best and clearly overlooked).
I will actually say I've heard some moms go as far to straight up just comment on a child's appearance. Straight up mean girl stuff I see in some of these moms.
And in my defense, I try my best to a. stay away or b. steer the conversation to positives
Why a vent? Well...because that's kind of what chalkbucket is, right? To hash things out...to hear other mom's perspective...etc.
Also, the sad part of me knows if I hear a mom talking about other kids, they are most certainly talking about my child when I am not around. And as strong as I think I am, this bums me out. Makes me sad to think some people are waiting to see my child struggle (which she has, is, and will continue to do).
And maybe also to put it out there to all of us...
Be kind. Focus on your kid. There is room out there for all of them, and when one child fails or struggles, this should never bring you some sort of personal satisfaction.
That's all.
I feel better now.

This is the unspoken reason why we don't let parents watch workout in our gym.... very sad that people do this (not you op). If I told parents that this was one of the reasons they would all act astonished , even the guilty ones .... stay out of the gym folks your kids will last longer and so will you.

 

[gymmomx2]

This is the unspoken reason why we don't let parents watch workout in our gym.... very sad that people do this (not you op). If I told parents that this was one of the reasons they would all act astonished , even the guilty ones .... stay out of the gym folks your kids will last longer and so will you.

I'd like to see attrition rates from gyms that allow watching versus gyms that don't. Given a big enough sample, we might be able to draw some conclusions on whether parental watching has any impact on career longevity.

Perhaps the reason you see a lot of crazy at your gym is that you are a highly competitive gym attracting highly competitive parents. Just a thought. Most gyms allow watching and I don't believe most of them have large numbers of crazy parents.

 

[gymmomx2]

Just wanted to add - our gym allows watching but parents rarely do past L4. But we can watch and some parents do show up once in a while to watch an hour or more of practice.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I'd like to see attrition rates from gyms that allow watching versus gyms that don't. Given a big enough sample, we might be able to draw some conclusions on whether parental watching has any impact on career longevity.

Perhaps the reason you see a lot of crazy at your gym is that you are a highly competitive gym attracting highly competitive parents. Just a thought. Most gyms allow watching and I don't believe most of them have large numbers of crazy parents.

don't know if such a study exists . But I can can only speak from my experience and team size among with every single coach I know who say the same.

 

[mommyof1]

I'd like to see attrition rates from gyms that allow watching versus gyms that don't.

If the hypothesized problem is parents watching, then I don't know whether allowing watching vs. not allowing it is the best explanatory variable for that analysis. Whether parents actually do watch is probably more important; there are gyms out there where parental viewing is allowed but rare in practice. If I had the data, I'd try to investigate on two levels (individual and gym): 1. compare attrition rates for kids whose parents watch with kids whose parents don't watch (assuming that the process leading to attrition is individual) and 2. compare the percentage of parents watching at a particular gym with the gym's attrition rate (assuming that attrition is a gym-level process rather than an individual process, and that having some parents watching can drive kids out of the gym even if their own parents aren't watching). I would also look at different types of attrition--leaving for another gym versus leaving the sport altogether. A gym with a lot of crazy parents watching might have a high attrition rate, but only because the crazy parents tend to pull their kids for greener pastures and/or because the non-crazy parents can't take it and move their kids to a saner environment, not necessarily because the kids leave the sport.

And I do not watch practice. I don't really even like watching meets. And my kid has demanded to be dropped off at the curb since she was maybe 6.

 

[GymDad9.9]

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who adversely pressure their kids regarding gymnastics who do not watch them practice much. Probably the silent (invisible) majority in that regard. These folks most likely are working during practice hours.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Its not the watching that creates CGMs. Its the fact that they stay and watch that allows the CGM to infect the gym and other parents.

If our CGM stayed home, she wouldn't up the crazy of the other moms at the gym. And she wouldn't bother us non crazy ones. If she stayed home no one would be able to hear her crazy, or see it or have to deal with it.

Its she did not become crazy by watching. She was always crazy. If her kids did dance she would be a CDM, if they did soccer she would be a CSM. We just get to enjoy her (not) because she is at the gym.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I'm sure there are plenty of parents who adversely pressure their kids regarding gymnastics who do not watch them practice much.

Those parents however are sadly only their childs problem, to be dealt with in therapy down the road.

The one in the gym becomes everyone's problem and infects the rest of the gym and other gymmies, not just theirs.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Those parents however are sadly only their childs problem, to be dealt with in therapy down the road.

The one in the gym becomes everyone's problem and infects the rest of the gym and other gymmies, not just theirs.

Crazy is contagious to some and repulsive to others... that is for sure

 

[strawberries]

A couple things I've observed...

A CGM can be converted. Not all of them will be, but I have seen it over and over. It is not necessarily true "once a crazy gym parent, always a crazy gym parent."

The gym itself is a very big factor in producing sane or insane parents. Most people (not all, but most) actually adapt to the culture they are a part of. This happens everywhere in life. A college culture, an office culture, a new state or country of residence culture. People adapt. When parents change gym, they adapt if the culture is significantly different.

Coaches shape the gym culture. There are many, many ways they do this, but in a highly competitive program, the single biggest positive thing I've seen is not allowing parent viewing. Hands down. No exceptions. If someone could put together a rough bunch of stats surrounding that one factor, the numbers would be staggering. @coachp, I didn't realize you guys did that. I have even more respect for you now.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Operative word being most.

Again there are those who have CGM inclinations, it's a question of degrees. Those Moms grow, change deal

A hard wired CGM, is always C*M, might go somewhere else or even into another sport or activity as her child goes but a true CGam will not mellow.

 

[strawberries]

I guess I have to disagree that any human being is completely hopeless. I probably have an unusually optimistic view, but then I've seen some pretty remarkable turnarounds.

 

[Natasha]

It absolutely gets better. It is mostly a lower level thing. Compulsory, lower level optional.

By the time your child reaches level 10 you've watched your child experience enough heartache that you don't have the energy to worry about anyone else. You just want them to be happy and survive another day.

There will always be crazy gym parents, but if they haven't been humbled by level 10, they at least won't generally find a group of moms to sit around and bash kids with. To me, upper level optionals is a different sport than everything 7 and below.

THIS. I have even met other L10 parents from other gyms at meets and we have cheered and commiserated with each other in the bleachers as our girls hit their routines or had a bad day. Because you understand that everyone has had a long journey to get there, full of many, and sometimes tough, lessons along the way.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

A couple things I've observed...

A CGM can be converted. Not all of them will be, but I have seen it over and over. It is not necessarily true "once a crazy gym parent, always a crazy gym parent."

The gym itself is a very big factor in producing sane or insane parents. Most people (not all, but most) actually adapt to the culture they are a part of. This happens everywhere in life. A college culture, an office culture, a new state or country of residence culture. People adapt. When parents change gym, they adapt if the culture is significantly different.

Coaches shape the gym culture. There are many, many ways they do this, but in a highly competitive program, the single biggest positive thing I've seen is not allowing parent viewing. Hands down. No exceptions. If someone could put together a rough bunch of stats surrounding that one factor, the numbers would be staggering. @coachp, I didn't realize you guys did that. I have even more respect for you now.

Yes they can. . It just takes a while or several years in search some cases .

 

[Taxidriver]

are you for real? he said all that to you? i would not have taken that very nicely and would have put him in his place. . i'd probably have gotten kicked out!

I could of had a go back but why let a CGDad bother me, if he ever said anything to my dd then I would say something, I don't think he realises how rude he is, he has the plan that his daughter will make the GB team in the future and currently she is on the elite path and has the potential but I think he has a greater desire for her to make GB than she does and from what I've seen the kids have to have the desire themselves otherwise they don't make it through teenage years on the elite path.

 

[3rd_time_around]

This is the unspoken reason why we don't let parents watch workout in our gym.... very sad that people do this (not you op). If I told parents that this was one of the reasons they would all act astonished , even the guilty ones .... stay out of the gym folks your kids will last longer and so will you.

I could not enroll my child in a place that does not allow me to watch when I want to. Sorry, but I have to be able to check in on her and make sure everything is good and she is behaving. I understand since I've been around this sport for 14 years, but even with multiple gymnasts in my house, I still want to be able to check in and watch if I want to.

 

[flowerchild]

Its not the watching that creates CGMs. Its the fact that they stay and watch that allows the CGM to infect the gym and other parents.

If our CGM stayed home, she wouldn't up the crazy of the other moms at the gym. And she wouldn't bother us non crazy ones. If she stayed home no one would be able to hear her crazy, or see it or have to deal with it.

Its she did not become crazy by watching. She was always crazy. If her kids did dance she would be a CDM, if they did soccer she would be a CSM. We just get to enjoy her (not) because she is at the gym.

You hit the nail on the head. My DD is ice skating now.... and there are crazy skating moms galore! Some so crazy, the rink manager has banned them!