Parents advice on quitting

[tarheel618]

(background) So both my DD are gymmies. Recently my oldest has been not to keen on the gym the last few months. She is repeating level 5-at first I thought it was the thought of practicing optional skills this summer, she has always been my fearful one. She doesn't want to go to the gym anymore. She will be 13 in a few weeks. She is a good gymnast and has always seemed to enjoy herself. We've had a lot of coach changes over the last few years so Im not sure if this has come into play.

When asked why she wants to quit- she says "it feels like a job and she doesn't enjoy it anymore." I really thought it was a skills phase but it doesn't seem like the feeling is going to change. I told her that I want her to do what she likes to do but that she must be involved in some type of activity (she is the type of kid that is content never leaving the house). She's asked me to sign her up for fall soccer (recreational) because she knows that her father and I believe it is important to be involved in an activity. She did this sport before starting gymnastics (age 7).

So has anyone else been at this stage? I want to be supportive but I don't want her to regret her decision either. The gym has been such a big part of our lives that Im just kinda stunned. Any help?

 

[MILgymFAM]

My DD is also 13, and if ever comes to me and says she is done, I will say ok. They are old enough to articulate what they want, and what they don't. I will tell her that she is going to finish the term (month, session, season, etc) that she is already begun and she can be done after that. I will also tell her she has some buffer to change her mind, but once we let the gym know it may not be up to us anymore. I won't worry about regret because it works both ways- she could just as easily regret feeling pushed into staying. One way or another there could always be a way back into the gym if she changes her mind. Maybe not in the same capacity or format, but there is never a final goodbye to the sport barring a desire for one or a serious injury. This should be fun for them, and kudos to your DD for being upfront and honest about her feelings. Best of luck in figuring it all out!

 

[tarheel618]

I agree- I don't want to be that parent who makes her stay in the sport. The only thing I have said is that I want her to find an activity to participate in. She is not a child who will try new things. I don't want her to become a home body so I am happy that she is going to do soccer. I think it is attractive because they practice only 2 nights a week and a game on Saturdays and no traveling involved. You make a good point that she could go back if she wants. We have always told both DD that they could quit at the end of a season but never in the middle. I told her she would have to tell her coach before the end of the month so that I can fill out the drop out form. I have a feeling this has been on her mind for awhile.

 

[gymmomtoo]

She sounds like she has a good reason for quitting and had a plan on what to do next. Good luck to her!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

She is 13. She has sound reasons for wanting to be done.

Maybe she will regret her decision some day or may be not. Her choice, her decision, possibly her regrets.

As long as it's her decision, better she have regrets then the other "r" word. Resentment for being forced to do what she doesn't want to do.

And I'm not opposed to kids having resentment, for things like safety issues. Yep you can be ticked at forever but you still need a booster seat type issues.

 

[Mrs. Puma]

My ODD (almost 10)has done dance since she was 3, and the last 2 years competively. Dance was her life. But she wanted out in December (before they started choreography) but the owner talked me into having her stay and my life has been hell for the last 6 months. I thought I knew what was best for her and I was clearly wrong. I'm with the others-if she wants out, as sad as I know it is, maybe it's best to let her take a break. She could always go back to it if she misses it. I feel your pain. Her last competition I must admit was tough for me, and the recital is in 2 weeks and then that's it...it's killing me, but I have to remember that it's not about me. Good luck!!!!!

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

Yes been there, done that. My gymnast was 12 yrs old, had been doing gymnastics from 7 yrs old and was just done with it. We were having conversations about not wanting to go to training - " it wasn't fun anymore, it feels like a chore" along with tears on the way to gym. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that she was just done with gymnastics. There were no fear issues, she was still getting skills and the coach felt that she still had potential to go further in the sport - but at the end of the day gymnastics is a sport that requires 100% commitment from the gymnast and that was no longer there. We stayed until the end of comp season, it was tough but DH and I have never let our kids quit any team sport mid season.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

For some kids turning 13 makes everything feel like a job... Then they snap out of it. Good luck! . Oh and keep her in if you can.

 

[l.c.o]

Gymnastics no longer being fun would probably rank at the top of the reasons why I'd happily let my DD quit.

That said, I'd probably try to figure out why it isn't fun. Is she getting along with the girls in her group? Is it too many hours? Scared of skills? Is the conditioning wearing on her? Would she simply rather be more involved in school/anything else?

My DD at 10.5 debated quitting for several months - it was something I'd been mostly ok with. She'd been leaving school early 3x/week (I was told this would continue for future years), was struggling with academics (unrelated to leaving early, but she'd go to practice stressed about it), she was exhausted with the number of hours, and to top it off, not really enjoying her group (constant snarky drama). Then she asked to switch gyms. While I can't say she hasn't had bad days, she's been much happier overall.

This is not to suggest that you switch gyms, but rather discussing the reasons with DD, and perhaps a coach, could possibly help if your goal would be to get her through it. Could DD take a break? Go reduced hours for awhile? Try Xcel?

I do agree with coachp that at 13, everything is a chore. I played two sports in high school, and gosh were those practices WORK. And my other friends were at the mall! Without me! So much unfairness. Some days were easier than others.

That all said, if she really got no enjoyment out of it, then I'd totally let my DD quit. I was going to last November/December, when she was in tears before nearly every practice.

 

[emorymom]

Well if you are signing her up for fall soccer, you can tell her to finish out the summer and evaluate. She might also try to visit a few good transition sports over the summer and see what she thinks. Diving, TnT, pole vaulting, cheer, circus arts -- these are things she will not have to feel like she is coming into at the bottom.

 

[profmom]

What else is going on right now in her life? I totally agree that parents shouldn't keep them in if they are clearly ready to stop, but sometimes it can be a job teasing out whether a pre-teen or teenage gymnast is really done with gym or if other stressors are affecting the gym experience. My son is currently in a huge funk in general, but it is primarily about school (and just to be clear, right now gym is about the only place I ever see the kid smiling). We're expecting the return of our happy child in approximately two weeks when school ends. Is anything else upsetting her or bothering her?

For further context, DD was an emotional wreck as well from about February through the end of the school year when she was eleven and I was sure gym was just about over for her. Two years later, she just completed her first year at L8. Maybe she will decide to hang up her grips over the next year or two, but given the experiences she had after toughing it out through that rough stretch, I am really glad she decided then to hang on just a little longer to see if she felt better about things once summer got rolling. But I emphasize that sticking it out was totally her call.

 

[Anna's_Mom]

We are struggling with whether to commit to the next season or not too. DD hasn't expressed being done, but her coach thinks we need to explore her commitment before writing the check for next year. She's 12, so about the same point in her life. I think there is something about more going on in their lives and more areas to explore at this point. Not to mention dealing with physical changes that make gym harder as they adjust. I'm trying to hide my feelings -- I'd be overjoyed not to have the time and $$ stress in our lives but I don't want that to influence her.

 

[balancing act]

Been through this as well with both my preteen dds - one a softball player and the other a gymnast. My dd who left competitive softball feels confident she could go back to softball in the future, but my gymnast level 4/5 dd has the perception it would be very difficult/impossible to take a break and return. I feel it adds another level of pressure for her. Do you all know many gymmies who take an extended break and return? In our area, higher level optional level girls sometimes take a break and then join xcel.

I agree about finding out more about the why she wants to quit is important. For my softball dd, it was too many hours that left little time for other activities/interests and a negative coach. She is just as busy but fills her time with three outlets instead of one.

It is hard to see them leave something that is such a big important part of their lives, especially when they've grown/progressed so much!

 

[tarheel618]

Reflecting I think its been coming for the last year but she has finally verbalized her feelings. She has never been a fan of bars and I do think its a combination of the hours, balancing school work and fear of skills. Since she has verbalize she wanted to quit- she seems happier, like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I don't want to force her to stay in something. I do think at some point in her life she will wish she had stayed in it but Im not forcing it. As long as she is involved in some sort of activity- Im okay with her choice. I think it will hit her full force when we travel for her sister's competitions.

 

[munchkin3]

I am in the middle of this with my DS 14.....he has been doing it for 8 years, made it to level 8 and his heart isn't in it anymore. He does not care to compete and wants to do other sports.
BUT
He also knows he may regret it, and he knows he might be making a mistake, he knows it's very hard to come back. He IS a gymnast......
SO,
As his parents, we assured him he could change so long as he has another team sport where he is with kids his age. I took him to several sports, he spoke with several coaches at school and he was not prepared to commit to one of these sports either. He is at a crossroads and he is trying to decide.
I have spoken to many parents and the coaches, and the owner etc. They all say is to wait it out. They must pass this phase, and once they do, their objective changes. It's no longer about winning medals, it's about personal goals. If he makes it.....

So for now, he does gym a few times a week, and he does crossfit a few times......once school starts up, he can see if there is something else......but at least he has some time.
It would be a shame to have her walk away, but I guess you know best.

 

[tarheel618]

Well I told her that she needed to speak to her coach first about quitting. She is going to do it on Friday. At our gym, you have to give them a months notice that means she will be done at the end of July right before school starts. We start the 2nd week in August. Our first payment is usually do around the end of July so I am glad that she's telling me this now. We have a two week vacation planned to give her an extended break. Im wondering if this will cause her to miss gym or solidify that she is done with it.

In my heart I think it is a fear of harder skills- yes I could force her to try them- but I wouldn't want someone forcing me to do something that I was terrified to do. My youngest DD is my driven one in gymnastics- I can see the difference in effort and commitment between the two when I watch practices. I NEVER mention it to them- its just something I notice. Sadly, my oldest is a beautiful gymnast but its just not meant to be.

 

[kris]

My DD just turned 12, is a level 8/9, and wanted to quit. She also said gym wasn't fun anymore, and after talking with her about why it wasn't fun, we decided for her to try a new gym, that could address a lot of her issues, before quitting entirely. She's only been at the new gym for two weeks, and it's night and day. When I walked in towards the end of workout yesterday she had a huge smile on her face and her body language was that she was having fun. She comes home with stories about her new teammates, her new coaches, and her skills. She's very sore from more conditioning than she's used to, but she can't wait to the next workout. Her new gym is more serious than her old gym, but it's amazing to me what a difference a supportive environment can make. We also told her that when she's done with gym that we support that decision, and that she doesn't need to stay in the sport for us. Not saying a gym switch is the right thing for your DD, but agreeing with the others that you may need to figure out more what is bothering her.

FWIW, I quit gymnastics at 12 with no regrets, but I never loved gym like my 12-yo.

 

[bookworm]

We've had several gymnasts around this age express the same things...no longer fun, feels like a job, want to be done with gym. Many have left the sport and are doing diving, track and field ( 2 of them are great pole vaulters) , lacrosse and field hockey etc...and they seem not to regret it one bit as they occasionally come to meets to support their friends and seem happy with their decisions.

We also have about 5 or 6 girls in the gym who switched out of JO to Xcel to see if the reduced hours and level of committment would be a better fit for them, and it has. These girls also are doing the high school circuit so this keeps them in it as well.

If she wants out because her heart's not in it anymore, then be done with it but you might want to mention Xcel as a less intense option..

 

[duyetanh]

This age is just such a hard age. I have told my husband that when our kid hits 12, I am shipping him off until we get through the gnarliness....and I doubt gnarliness is a word, but I feel it is entirely appropriate. A very high percentage of children go through this everything at this age....there is something to be said for riding it out, but you also have to weigh things out and look at the bigger picture. A comparison for you:
My mom has taught piano for years. She said literally everyone she has ever taught went through the puberty heck and wanted to quit piano. The parents all rode it out, and my mom learned how to handle the hormones. Sometimes she said lessons were a bit of a joke because of all their emotions, but she and the kids and the parents all knew the bigger picture in life was what music could do for their lives. She has the most incredible letters from her students thanking them for not giving up on her, they made me cry! So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know she does well, and it might be the harder tricks that are scaring her, could she not just stay where she is and work hard to improve her scores at that level? That might give her confidence for the future!

 

[JAG GYM]

Lots of great advice here! One suggestion: if your daughter decides to move on, don't use the word quit--use retire. Quitting smacks of failure. Retiring is just moving on to a different phase of her life. Here is a blog I wrote about the difference between quitting and ending that might be of interest to you. https://annejosephson.wordpress.com/2014/09/29/the-difference-between-quitting-and-ending/
Good luck!