Parents Article: Let's stop tolerating all abusive coaches

[mariposa]

Let's stop tolerating all abusive coaches | The San Diego Union-Tribune

I found this article, after trying to find information on how much damage "bully" type coaches can do to our kids. We have seen many threads here on the Chalk Bucket, asking about different coaching techniques and tactics and many times, it really comes down to the coach being a bully. I have a really hard time with parents leaving their kids in these kinds of situations because we wouldn't let their teacher bully them, we wouldn't let another kid bully them, yet many times, we actually PAY someone to bully and terrorize our children. Why? I don't think any sport or activity is worth the potential damage that will be done to a child left in this situation.

The hardest thing for me to think about is the fact that the child must eventually start to believe that if their parents keep taking them there, deep down, it must be okay, right? Most definitely wrong, but it happens every day in every sport and it isn't going to stop as long as people keep taking their kids there and paying for them to bully their kids.

 

[MayDay]

Fantastic article, thanks for posting.

 

[Deanna]

I think it's very sad that children are being treated this way by someone who is helping to shape who they will become. I know coaches are not parents..but they still play a major roll in helping to mold that child. Good or bad.
Sadly I think the parent's that allow that to happen to their child..maybe had it done to them, so they think that's how it's done. Or they have the mentality that sports are tough and you have to be tough to play them. Example (and I really hate putting this one out there..but I think it's relavent to the post)..my son was at soccer practice the other day. He is 4 yrs old. All the kids ran into each other, and ended up in a big dog pile. (one of the cutest things I have ever seen). My son got his finger stepped on by a cleat. He started crying. His father/my husband..told him to stop crying. You don't cry, you get up and keep playing.
Well, this just crawled all over me. For one, he is 4 yrs old. For two, he is my son. If he doesn't feel safe coming to us with things that are bothering him..whether it's sports or any other aspect of his life..who is he going to be able to depend on for that support? Now, I def. don't believe in babying them. But, don't brush off him possibly really getting hurt, because you feel it just scared him a little.
My husband and I have an agreement that we don't argue in front of the children, esp. about parenting ideas. We are to support the other at that moment, if their is a conflict, we will say..go on, go do yadda yadda while Mommy and Daddy talk and we will call you back in here in a minute to discuss this. But I just could not hold my tounge at that moment. I felt he totaly over reacted to that, without waiting to see if there was an issue. I kissed Buddy's finger and sent him back in there. Where he was fine the rest of the game. My husband and I have had a long talk about that whole "no crying in sports" and your supposed to be tough..suck it up and move on..kinda attitude. And so far, so good.
But what Im getting at is... I think some parents let it go on, because it was done to them and that's all they know. And some let it go on because they have this mind set of "no crying in sports..you have to be tough"...or.."im paying X amount of dollars and by goodness they are going to do this one way or another".
I think it all boils down to the parent's ambitions for the child rather than what the child's ambitions for themselves are.

 

[beamer]

bullying & favoritism

It's interesting that the subjects of gym favoritism and bullying have come up on the same day. At a dysfunctional gym, you are likely to experience both.

I wanted to respond because we left a dysfunctional gym last spring (as I may have mentioned in an earlier post!) after a pretty serious bullying incident by a coach. But there had been a number of minor ones over the years we were there that, sadly, we pretty much shrugged off. All the other kids/parents (of the lower tracked gymnasts...) seemed to tolerate the negative coaching style of the head coach there just fine. And then there was the subtle feeling that our daughter needed to learn to deal with the negativism because we have read so much about the current culture of false praise...

So why else did we stay?

There were a few other reasons, none of which related to having big dreams for our little gymnast. First, it was five minutes from our home. Second, it was more of a recreational gym with fewer hours of required practice than some of the other gyms around (we felt this might prevent gym burnout for our DD and allow her to have a life outside the gym). Third, we had no experience of what good gymnastics coaching looked like; neither my husband nor I were ever gymnasts, or, for that matter, serious athletes.

Now, of course, we wonder what the heck we were thinking. But, as the proverb goes, hindsight is 20/20. Level 5 DD is now at a gym (much longer drive time!) with miraculous coaching. She is working out double the amount of hours, but is loving every minute of it. Our DD's skills have improved dramatically. She comes home smiling, usually with a story of one of the coaches praising her routines, her work ethic, her improvement, etc. There is no false praise, but constant firm correction (never, ever, any yelling, name-calling, unconstructive criticism or browbeating) and an overall attention to the physical and emotional well-being of the child. Now that we understand what good coaching is, we know that this is the place DD will end her gym career...whether that is at 18 upon high school graduation or next week because she is sick of the hours!

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Thanks Mariposa for posting this article! Very informative!

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

Great article Mariposa. I guess we all need a wake up call every now and then about abusive coaching/teaching!

 

[mariposa]

I just think it is an important subject because many times, we get used to a gym's culture and think it is normal. I am lucky that my gymmie's coaches are very positive, but have seen at her old gym and talked with friends about their daughter's experiences in abusive gyms and it is so sad to hear the kind of coaching that some coaches practice. We need to stop accepting it and put the coaches with these tactics out of business/a job. If we keep paying them to treat our kids badly, they will keep doing it.

Have seen many threads where a parent is questioning whether something is abusive or over the top, and usually, they know the answer, but just need confirmation. Other times, parents have no clue and think that it is just expected in a sport like gymnastics and it just doesn't have to be that way.

 

[momof5]

Thanks for posting this article. I think that the more people that stand up and say that this is unnacceptable will hopefully promote real change. My DD also switched gyms a couple of years ago for many reasons but one of the reasons for for this type of behavior. Words can stay with a child for a lifetime. Even though we switched 3 years a go my DD still talks about all the hurtful names that she was called. It still bothers her. Kids also get used to this kind of coaching and are unable to motivate themselves any other way then being threatened and yelled at. My DH is a college coach and one of the biggest complants he gets every year from the new freshman is that he doesn't yell enough!

 

[txgymfan]

Just wanted to agree with the other posters. Language is a powerful tool. Please be aware of how everyone is treating your children and the words they are using inclding siblings and other family members, teachers and coaches. Do not dismiss abusive behavior because "that is the way things are done" or "that's just how uncle joe acts" or "its just sibling rivalry, they need to deal with it". Please, Please , Please teach your kids to stand up for themselves.

If they come to you and complain you may tell them the above and the kid does not complain again. DO NOT assume the behavior has stopped. Your child may have just chosen not to complain again. Your dd may remember those words forever and they will comeback to her, not all the time, but when she feels down. It is amazing how memory works.

 

[Sarah'sMom]

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