WAG Attitude in the gym....

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My daughter is an 11 year old who just moved to optionals at the beginning of the summer. She will compete level 7 in the spring.
My daughter has always been a little hard to figure out. She is very sweet but also very touchy. She is very hard on herself and gets frustrated at herself quite frequently. She is also a kid who when upset wants to be left alone. She is not an attention seeker.
So it seems that lately my daughter is having some attitude problems in the gym. I am not sure if its the age or the fact that she's a little more comfortable there or what? Apparently when she gets upset or frustrated she won't look at the coaches when they are trying to talk to her. Will sometimes keep walking as they are talking to her.
I am very bothered by this because I do not want my kids to ever be disrespectful. She works very hard in the gym and I have talked to her about all this but it just seems like I'm not making a lot of progress. I did tell one of the coaches that letting her have a little cool down time works better at home than trying to get her to talk about what's bothering her. She keeps a lot inside which is tough on me and her coaches.
Would love any input here. From coaches or parents. She has never been verbally disrespectful and I don't think she realizes how rude her body language looks....:(
 
Sounds like feedback I've gotten about my daughter when she was younger too! I had to sit down with her sometime when she wasn't upset and tell her how the coaches see her non-verbal responses--not looking them in the eye and walking away tells them she isn't listening (even if she is). It took some time,, but she eventually changed--she is still hard on herself, but at least she stops and looks at the coach when they he/she is talking to her now.
 
My Dd is the Queen of bad body language. It makes my skin crawl. I have had conversation after conversation with her about her body language and she just didn't get it. Said, she wasn''t doing that etc...(she is not disrespectful verbally but you know exactly how she feels by her body language and her face..which IMO is just as bad) What I did was video her (without telling her) and then showed her exactly what I was referring to.
At that point, even she couldn't argue with the evidence. :eek: She has gotten a lot better about it but it still shows up every now and again.

My advise would be to just keepp talking to her about and if it continues maybe add some consequences for the behavior.
 
80% of communication is nonverbal. Walking away from a coach (or for that matter parent, teacher, friend, etc) while they are talking to you is disrespectful. Sounds like a little bit of tweenie attitude. No great advice from me other than to have consequences at home, and to let her know you expect her to be respectful to the coaches if she wants to be in the sport. Teachable moments... I've had a few lately at hom with my tweenie.

If it were me I'd do my best to nip it in the bud rather than excuse it as "needing cool down time." Not wanting to talk when she is upset is totally understandable and OK, and everybody is different in that way. But being disrespectful takes it to a different level & they need to learn (at least in my house) that it is not OK.

But then I guess I am one of the moms who did give her kids time outs (one of my friends has never given her six year old daughter a time out).... And we have zero tolerance for "mean girl" behaviour in our family. And I am one of those moms who don't care if the "screamer" in her daughter's bunch of friends thinks I'm mean because I come to her room and tell them the playdate will end of the screaming decibles don't come down. And yep, I am one of the moms who is appalled at some of her friends' table manners (but for that one I don't say anything unless it is my kid doing it).

So maybe you want responses from someone who is less of a meanie. :)
 
Some kids need a bit of help with appropriate responses. We are working on this too! Just like yours, sweet but touchy, easily frustrated, and we are working on verbalizing feelings so they don't come out in the wrong way, i.e. crying or getting angry at us when she's really just frustrated with herself. Mine is 9, and I'm determined to help her commumicate her feelings at least with me for now, so that when she's a teenager we will have those communication skills and she will be healthier in the long run. Hopefully her future husband will thank me for it! I try to sit and talk with her often and ask innocent, non-blaming questions that get her talking about her feelings. Hopefully this will transfer over to the gym and every other area of her life. Good luck to you!
 
My daughter is an 11 year old who just moved to optionals at the beginning of the summer. She will compete level 7 in the spring.
My daughter has always been a little hard to figure out. She is very sweet but also very touchy. She is very hard on herself and gets frustrated at herself quite frequently. She is also a kid who when upset wants to be left alone. She is not an attention seeker.
So it seems that lately my daughter is having some attitude problems in the gym. I am not sure if its the age or the fact that she's a little more comfortable there or what? Apparently when she gets upset or frustrated she won't look at the coaches when they are trying to talk to her. Will sometimes keep walking as they are talking to her.
I am very bothered by this because I do not want my kids to ever be disrespectful. She works very hard in the gym and I have talked to her about all this but it just seems like I'm not making a lot of progress. I did tell one of the coaches that letting her have a little cool down time works better at home than trying to get her to talk about what's bothering her. She keeps a lot inside which is tough on me and her coaches.
Would love any input here. From coaches or parents. She has never been verbally disrespectful and I don't think she realizes how rude her body language looks....:(

She needs to understand what the coach is trying to do.... which is working with her to help her get what she wants out of her gymnastics experience. Tell her if she wants to sulk in despair over not making the progress she wants or having a mistake noticed and corrected, she's very welcome to do all the brooding she wants after practice is over, and that she'll have a whole lot less to brood about if she responds to her coach as if that person is a caring partner and ally.
 
My DD tends to emotional. She was the gymmie who would get teary if the coaches were giving her a lot of corrections during practice, or just generally being hard on her. It is hard for these young girls to control their emotions and they are alerady to hard on themselves... so maybe your DD is walking away because she doesn't want them to see her being upset.

Either way, I have found reinforcing what is expected and helping them find ways to cope or deal with frustration has worked (although we are not 100% by any means). So, telling them to count to 10 or relax their body and faces and have some positive self-talk like "I am good at this and my coach is here to help and knows what is best for me."

Good luck, I feel your pain!
 
Thanks. I do want this nipped in the bud. I had one of the coaches ( she is young) ask me if I had any advice in dealing with her. I do think at times she will walk away if she is trying not to cry. She has also told me she does not feel this coach likes her so I think that makes her take any criticism a little more personally. The coach is aware of this and I do not feel she dislikes my daughter but my daughter has it in her head. I appreciate the replies and would love more thoughts. Any other coaches ever deal with kids like this??
 
I have one of these kids too! Not a gymnast, but my basketball player. She is very tough on herself. You can read her body language like an open book (and you always could ever since she was a toddler). If she gets taken out to the game, you can read her displeasure. If the coach is talking to her she avoids eye contact and can barely bring herself to nod in agreement. This does not happen all the time. Most of the time she is pleasant and coachable. It makes me so crazy. We have talked about this for years and she has improved. We have told her without improvement she will not play. She is very competitive and that is when it rears its ugly head.

I told her she is a smart girl. She will never play high school sports with even an occasional attitude. Even if she disagrees with what the coach does or says, he is the coach. I told her she needs to look him in the eye and listen to what he tells her, even if she doesn't agree.
 
My dd is like this as well. I dont think she intends on being rude but it could be taken that way. She has always been like this. Her coach has a similar personality i think. She just gives my dd plenty of space. Then they talk later about it. It seems to work for them.
 
It is very frustrating! Especially when I am not sure what the best way is to handle it. I honestly don't think she realizes how bad it looks. I am happy for the coaches to handle it however they see fit but when I am asked all I can do is tell them what works for me. When my daughter was really little and would get upset at me she could ignore me for hours. My other kids would throw a tantrum but get over it quickly. Not my youngest though. The more you would try to talk her out of her "mood" the worse it got! Finally just let her be and it was better.
I am trying to teach her that she needs to be more open with her feelings and talk to me or her coaches if she has a problem. Getting frustrated is not going to accomplish anything. I am just not sure if me punishing her is the right approach and if so, what kind of punishment is appropriate? I normally try to leave the gym at the gym.....:)
 
Does she behave this way at home? If she does, that's where you start.
Decide what is OK (needing quiet time to process when upset, reenergizing with alone time--that's what lots of introverts do).
Decide what is not OK (things that cross the line to rude/disrespectful).

Work with her to write down a couple of goals. If she meets 2 goals she gets X privilege (tv, friends over, allowance...whatever works for you). If she meets all 4 goals she gets Y privileges too (whatever those are for your family).

If she meets them, she gets the "privileges." It she doesn't, she doesn't get them that day or week (structure however it works for you). End of story. No negotation, discussion, talking, etc once you set the goals together. She helps set them, you are the supreme dictator for determining whether she meets them (and be fair). Period. End of discussion. If she doesn't earn computer privileges and complains about it, tell her to go read a book and then you go vacuum the living room or something. All with a smile and try to maintain your sense of humor if a tweenie hormone laden hailstorm descends down upon the room.

Like I said before, you may want input from less of a meanie, but this works in our house. And once they know you mean it, its amazing what they can accomplish!! And a lot more fun and peaceful.
 
This was my daughter to a T from the ages of about 9-12. I spent a lot of time talking to her about it and even showing her video like another poster above. It took a while to work through it and I think part of the solution was maturity and age. She is now 15 and has recently admitted that she used to feel embarrassed when she made a mistake or the coach was correcting her. Her body language was rooted in that embarrassment. In a sport where they are judged on how close they come to perfection, I think that standard can play with the emotions of developing girls.
 
That makes sense. I think my daughter feels she is "bad" when she is corrected. I also feel like her and one of her coaches just have a bit of a personality clash. She thinks the coach does not like her and takes every thing she says as validation of that. It is very frustrating for her and me.
 
Yep, my daughter too! I have talked to the coaches at times and let them know that I support them, while also explaining a little about my dd. Having them realize that she isn't angry with them, but only upset with herself has helped them not get upset when she is upset. Also, letting them know that if they can give her a heads up the day before if they are going to throw something new at the girls has gone a long way in helping her attitude in the gym. She needs time to mentally process new things and 2 minutes is not enough. That has also really helped. And just time for her to mature and not cry so much has really helped.
 
I'm going to admit that I am extremely guilty of the actions mentioned above. As someone very sensitive and shy, even well meaning constructive criticism can sting. Around the preteen years for me were the times when a majority of my self esteem was in the control of others, especially teachers and coaches. Even a single strange look would be taken as the end of the world. It does get a little better through time. I've found that when talking to people with greater authority than me, looking at their noses is much less intimidating. It just takes some practice, like everything else.
 
Not only is my daughter, 11 y/o level 9 (I think) guilty of the negative body language, but she's also been blessed with this look that could melt the flesh off your face. Seriously when she makes it at me I want to send her to the moon and I know she does it to her coaches and she doesn't even know when she's doing it most the time. It's just natural to her.

We all, coaches and parents, call her on it so she can try to control it but sometimes it just doesn't happen. They're kids and though I don't condone disrespect, some things they need to be cut some slack on in my humble opinion.
 
Not only is my daughter, 11 y/o level 9 (I think) guilty of the negative body language, but she's also been blessed with this look that could melt the flesh off your face. Seriously when she makes it at me I want to send her to the moon and I know she does it to her coaches and she doesn't even know when she's doing it most the time. It's just natural to her.

We all, coaches and parents, call her on it so she can try to control it but sometimes it just doesn't happen. They're kids and though I don't condone disrespect, some things they need to be cut some slack on in my humble opinion.

Funny, the 'look' runs in my family too. Best picture I have is my 2 yr old niece looking at her mom holding my newborn daughter. Its priceless!

I agree on cutting these kids some slack. I think if they are able to control their verbal disrespect their unintentional non-verbal will come with maturity. I was not even aware I made the look until well into highschool!
 
Yeah, all part of the overall purpose which is to send these kids into the educational/working/family raising world themselves as responsible, kind, happy, hard working members of the population! It's a long, fun, and sometimes very challenging job. I have a friend whose husband kind of drives me nuts. He tends to view his kids as clay he made to mold as he thinks is appropriate. I see them more as souls and individuals I was given the privilege and honor of guiding, teaching, protecting, and supporting into adulthood. And that the "clay" comes with unique characteristics that were already there when they hit the nursery!

My daughter's new favorite saying is "the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree." In a parenting moment that definitely wasn't my best--she was complaining about a schoolmate who is mean and selfish. The girl's mom is unfriendly and sports a major attitude. I told my daughter (again maybe not my best parenting moment) that the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, and she will probably be that way her whole life since she is learning it at home. So just choose to hang out with someone else. And that she will find people like this everywhere--at school, in the workplace.

Now when I am frustrated with her for losing or misplacing things she loves to giggle and say the acorn doesn't fall from the tree (I lose my keys at least once a week). Sigh...
 
I really appreciate all the replies. Glad my daughter is not the only one. I am trying to make some dietary changes and see if that helps. She is very irritable when she's hungry and bc she is naturally very small I am very lenient with her diet. I am thinking that although I have no worries about calories she still eats way to much junk and not enough good food. Not sure if was a mere coincidence but she had a much better day yesterday after a more healthy meal before practice....:)
 

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