Parents Child changed gym, now former coaching trashing him to his former teammates.

[ruth merriam]

(Sorry for the length, but I've never seen this issue addressed here)
My son and I decided that another gym would be a better fit for my son. The previous gyms' head boys coach was a T&T guy, so he only wanted to coach great tumblers and he was not good teaching boys the other 5 events, and often taught them incorrectly so in competition they found out their routines were wrong and got deductions.so we moved him to a different gym where the coaches are all USAG men's guys.

The problem is that now the former coach has decided to tell the entire boys gymnastics program at the previous gym that he told my son to leave because he wasn't "good", not withstanding his state championship on floor and placing on 2 other events. Kid only had this coach for one year, and went from winning AA to placing under this coach.

The boys in my son's level all know why he left the team, as did another boy, The former coach has now told his new coaches the other boy is a problem. Former teammates from other levels ask me and my kid why we got kicked out (when we didn't, we just chose a different coach). Do we tell the other parents the truth, that the previous coach lied about why my son left, or let it go?
Do I let them know what's going on and it could happen to their kid should he decide to leave? These are very close friends and it makes it awkward that my sons friends are being lied to and think there was some reason he was told to leave.

 

[sce]

I would do your best to be honest about why you left but not disparaging of the former coach.

 

[raenndrops]

I agree with @sce.
Honesty is the best defense... But without being disparaging. Don't say the coach lied. Don't say he sucks and will be like that to others.

Simply say, "We weren't kicked out. We chose to leave for a gym with coaches that have more of a MAG background because we felt it was a better option for us."

 

[sppd]

Not Men's, but my daughter recently changed gyms and her former coach has done a lot of trash talking and even tried to sabotage my daughters transition to her new gym. Her best friend still trains at the former gym and has told us that our daughter has been trash talked to the girls. We love everything about our daughters new gym, and more importantly she loves her new gym.

Just ignore the negativity from the former gym/coach and let it work itself out during competition season. It will be pretty obvious who the problem was when your son goes back to winning AA with his new coach ;-)

It is likely that the close friends you speak of know the truth and there is no need to play into the drama the former coach is causing.

 

[wallinbl]

Our gym went all over social media and smeared us when we left (it's been about four years now). It just led to more people leaving.

If people asked, we told what we were going to, what we had enjoyed about the prior gym, and what about it was good for DD. Are there probably some people that still believe whatever the gym said about us? Probably, but I don't really care. Friends either asked or already knew.

 

[MILgymFAM]

We've dealt with trash talking and being basically blacklisted after a move- the girls from the old gym were forbidden from talking to or acknowledging my DD in public. The thing is, if the kids are his friends then they already know what's going on. If they believe the coach they aren't his friends. Everyone else? Who cares what they end up thinking. I would just let it alone. The coach only makes himself look bad and everyone can easily figure out that if he trash talks these kids who left he will likely do it to all kids who leave. It's kinda like once a cheater always a cheater imo.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

What everyone else has said. But especially MILgymFAM.

To the people that matter, they get it.

If they don't they are not people you need in your life.

And the proof is at the meets.

Conduct yourself with grace and dignity. if you feel like answer question truthfully. I tend to keep it general unless someone really needs specifics. We made a change based on what best for my gymmie and our family. That suits many situations not just gym.

 

[skschlag]

We have a similar situation in our state. I have jsut been gracious, kind, said hellow to the person. So has my son. He will still not speak to me, but he has at least been civil to ds. So, i let it go....

 

[luv2gym]

I am so sorry you are going through this! We recently went through something similar....my daughter left her previous gym in December, but is friends with and speaks with a few of the gymnasts still there. Just a few weeks ago, some of the girls still there told my daughter that the head coach was talking about my daughter to another gymnast (a gymnast that had a big impact on my daughter leaving that gym) and that they were both having a good ole time bad mouthing my daughter. She cried and was so upset when she heard what they were saying, especially knowing that it was 100% not true! I could not believe that an adult, much less the head coach, was talking to a child about another child and former gymnast of hers. I have spoken with the coach a couple of times since my girl left and she acted so nice and interested in how my girl was doing...makes me sick to my stomach that someone can be so fake! At first I wanted to call her (and the mom of the other girl) to let her know we heard about every word she said and to give her a piece of my mind , but then after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that I just really felt sorry for the coach and that other girl...how sad is it that after 8 months neither one of them have moved on and are still focused on and talking about my daughter. I'd say my girl must have really made an impact on them....Jealousy runs deep!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

. Just a few weeks ago, some of the girls still there told my daughter that the head coach was talking about my daughter to another gymnast (a gymnast that had a big impact on my daughter leaving that gym) and that they were both having a good ole time bad mouthing my daughter.

Shame on the coach. But other girls spreading it further and telling your daughter not cool either. If the girls who over heard it kept it to themselves the crud wouldn't have spread.

I'm not sure what sharing it with your daughter accomplished. I'd probably be having the conversation with them and/or their parents. But that's just me.

 

[Gymmom0403]

As I told my dd when we left out former gym, be prepared to hear things about yourself that aren't true. She is still friends with a few of the girls there and I just wanted her to be prepared. In the long run the coach from old gym (or owner or whoever) needs to save face especially if others start thinking about leaving too. It's easier to blame it all on the kid that left and can't defend them self than look at their own gym and see why kid may have left.
Good luck!

 

[GymMom4]

I agree with what has been said.

We went through a gym change and some at our old gym were awful to us. Those who were our friends noticed we were gone and asked us about why we left and we shared the honest reason without a lot of detail.

Those who want to spread lies and hatred aren't worth your time.

 

[Gymmommy71]

What a jerk. Just shows that you made the right decision to leave. Don't get too shaken by what he said though cause that actually looks worse cause it shows people that he's upset you by what he said.

What I would do is tell those you are close to the real story, and then if you happen to run into others who repeat to you what he said, tell the person the real story and leave it at that. Don't go out of your way to tell a large group of people that he's lying.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Not exactly the same, but when my other daughter (a dancer) decided to leave her first studio I contacted the people we were closer with and let them know exactly why we were leaving, just to prevent things like this from taking root. I made sure I did not badmouth the studio (all of them were still there!) but also did want to let them know that we chose to leave for reasons that were not necessarily a negative towards the studio as a whole, just that is was no longer a good fit for my DD and for what she wanted out of dance.
As far as I know, we have not been badmouthed in any way (we made sure to leave on decent terms and thank them for the great foundation they gave my DD) but I know how gossip travels and at higher levels of ANY sport there is going to be talk. I figured it was better to head it off at the pass so to speak and let select people know right away before untrue rumors were spread.

 

[duyetanh]

As I told my dd when we left out former gym, be prepared to hear things about yourself that aren't true. She is still friends with a few of the girls there and I just wanted her to be prepared. In the long run the coach from old gym (or owner or whoever) needs to save face especially if others start thinking about leaving too. It's easier to blame it all on the kid that left and can't defend them self than look at their own gym and see why kid may have left.
Good luck!

Yep!

 

[sce]

In the long run the coach from old gym (or owner or whoever) needs to save face especially if others start thinking about leaving too. It's easier to blame it all on the kid that left and can't defend them self than look at their own gym and see why kid may have left.
Good luck!

I disagree with this. A grown-up does not need to lie or speak negatively about a child to save face. A mature human being should be gracious about such situations. In fact, I would be more likely to leave if that behavior came form the adults teaching my child. I've seen this with divorces, some parents act reasonably and don't tell the kids negative stuff about the other parent, on other cases they bad-mouth the other parent. In the end the negative talk hurts everyone.

 

[bookworm]

Not exactly the same, but when my other daughter (a dancer) decided to leave her first studio I contacted the people we were closer with and let them know exactly why we were leaving, just to prevent things like this from taking root. I made sure I did not badmouth the studio (all of them were still there!) but also did want to let them know that we chose to leave for reasons that were not necessarily a negative towards the studio as a whole, just that is was no longer a good fit for my DD and for what she wanted out of dance.
As far as I know, we have not been badmouthed in any way (we made sure to leave on decent terms and thank them for the great foundation they gave my DD) but I know how gossip travels and at higher levels of ANY sport there is going to be talk. I figured it was better to head it off at the pass so to speak and let select people know right away before untrue rumors were spread.

We did pretty much the same thing you did Surprisegymmom when we left our original gym....I sent a blast email to all the families explaining pretty much the same thing & i hit the "send" button as we left our last practice there so the email was in everyone's inbox before the gym could try to put their spin on it......that while we'd had a good run at this gym, we were moving on for a better fit for our family. I also added what gym we were going to (which was a significant distance from the original gym so no one would be following us) and that I hoped to say hello when we ran into each other at meets....and we are still very friendly with 6 families from the original gym to this day.

The HC was a jerk and wouldn't talk to us but when my daughter competed the release that she "couldn't be taught" that very season, his chatter was hollow. The other coaches, the owners and the other families were all friendly to us so the HC just looked like a jerk when he bad mouthed my daughter...and she went on to do exactly what he couldn't teach her. Success is the best revenge.

 

[Andrew Merriam]

I had no idea that this was common, or at least, not unknown behavior. I was surprised that a coach would go out of the way to trash talk a 12 year old. Kids change gyms, and the coach did not attempt to discuss my son's departure. All his friends and those on his level know why he left.. I'm glad he is out of that toxic environment. Thanks to all above with your comments, I am happy my son is now learning new skills and encouraged to still love gymnastics.

 

[Madden3]

I do not think this is all that common in MAG. I have been on this site a couple years and this is the first I have heard on here of something this egregious happening in MAG. My boys have been at the same gym for 7 years and kids (and coaches) have certainly come and gone but there has never been any kind of drama (except among some of the parents, and even that is rare.) In fact I think drama is avoided as much as possible.

My impression as a parent who knew nothing about gymnastics until my sons started in it, is this: MAG is a very small community and the male MAG coaches are usually former gymnasts who have grown up in that small MAG family. Being so small and powerless makes MAG a very frustrating sport in many ways, but I have found in general MAG coaches are pretty mellow and supportive both of other coaches and the kids. MAG people know no one else has their back but other MAGs. Of course there are exceptions, obviously. But if you hang around here a while you will hear relatively frequent stories on the WAG side of nutty coach behavior that will probably shock you. To me it is generally very different in MAG.

I get what everyone else is saying, and I do not disagree with the general advice to tell the truth when asked or to good friends but otherwise let it go. I very much agree no point in trashing the coach to anyone, no matter how much he may deserve it.

However I will be honest, if some coach was defaming my child, I would call them up and tell them I know what they are doing and politely but firmly tell them they need to cut it out. Especially if I thought these lies might hurt my son's reputation with other local coaches/gyms. But that is me, I do not always do the smart thing.

 

[Gymmom0403]

I disagree with this. A grown-up does not need to lie or speak negatively about a child to save face. A mature human being should be gracious about such situations. In fact, I would be more likely to leave if that behavior came form the adults teaching my child. I've seen this with divorces, some parents act reasonably and don't tell the kids negative stuff about the other parent, on other cases they bad-mouth the other parent. In the end the negative talk hurts everyone.

I agree that negative talk is never good. But it happens
I am just giving some perspective based on what happened to us. The owner/coach behaved quite poorly when notified we were leaving. Did he handle us leaving in a mature manner? Heck no.