For Parents DD Dropped a bombshell on me about her gym

[upstateNYgymnastics]

:-{ So glad you found this out from your brave daughter.
When coaches feel comfortable hanging out on their phones in front of the gymnasts instead of coaching, it's become a dysfunctional atmosphere. Let alone the things being said. Instead of focusing on coaching correctly, they are taking the weak way out with threats & taunts.
Definitely a vote for getting out and not expecting this to turn around by pointing it out.

 

[Gymfantastic25]

Please believe your daughter (not that you have indicated otherwise), and get her out of that gym. We recently left the gym we were at for 3 years. Very similar things had been happening to my daughter. But add to that being terribly bullied by one of her teammates.

She used to talk about sort of minor things that this girl was doing, but it wasn't until after we left the gym that we found out how bad it had been. I found my dds journal and the things she wrote that had been happening were awful.

The coaches too, would sit on their phones all the time, did not spot or give corrections, and, in my dds word, "practically had us just chucking skills".

And we hadn't really noticed a behaviour change at home, but after moving gyms we saw this whole other child come out in our dd.

The point to all this is that even though its a hard decision, and might be harder for your family, you need to put your daughter's well being first. I wish my dd had come to me as yours did, and had been straight up with how bad things had gotten.

I would leave and write a letter to the owners and head coach and let them know exactly why.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

 

[munchkin3]

I love your DD. It takes a lot of courage for a young lady to step up and talk. I cant advise on the situation because I am going through the same thing.
Do go and talk. At least you will have cleared the air and con move on either in or out.

 

[Muddlethru]

It is bad enough to pay $400+ to a gym who has unqualified staff to coach gymnastics but to pay that amount for the coaches to mistreat our children is an entirely different story. We entrust so much to our coaches (and teachers). Their delicate self-esteem, their still undeveloped and in a way fragile bodies and their dreams to say the least are left at the foot of a coach or teacher.

I feel your dilemma OP. Sometimes, I don't know where to draw the line on how much more of a sacrifice the rest of the family should do for the sake of one child, when there are 5 other people (at least in my family) to consider. But I will say, I could not leave my daughter in an environment especially after her plea to remove her from it. I will also most certainly speak with the HC/owner and make certain he knows why you are leaving. But having said the above, my daughter's HC makes similar statements, but the girls must take it in a different way because they all love their HC and would never think of leaving him. Despite his somewhat harsh/immature approach to coaching, the girls know and believe he loves and cares for them. I guess that is the difference.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

loves and cares for them...then does it again...loves and cares for them...buys you flowers and apologizes...does it again...loves and cares for them...does it again...buys you flowers and apologizes...

sound familar? hey, but gymnastics builds strong bodies and strong minds. it will prepare them for their potential choice future husbands. re-read 1st paragraph...

i want to believe that Noretaliation already knows what she needs to do.

 

[munchkin3]

scary

 

[LIGYMMOM]

loves and cares for them...then does it again...loves and cares for them...buys you flowers and apologizes...does it again...loves and cares for them...does it again...buys you flowers and apologizes...

sound familar? hey, but gymnastics builds strong bodies and strong minds. it will prepare them for their potential choice future husbands. re-read 1st paragraph...

i want to believe that Noretaliation already knows what she needs to do.

Exactly what I was thinking. Even abused children love their abusive parents and don't want to be taken away from them.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

So - a little background. DD has been in gymnastics for 10 years, she is a 14 YO L7 training L8. She has had some injuries that have held her back but has persevered. She won several events at states this year and places in the top 3 AA for most meets. She is a solid gymnast and right were she should be in terms of advancement. I have been member here for a few years but I am posting this anonymously as you can see I'm a bit paranoid now.

I know DD has been having some issues at the gym and has been unhappy, but didn't know to what extent. It is well know one particular coach is pretty nasty. DD came to me this weekend and asked if I'd let her switch gyms. I was surprised as she loves her teammates and seemed to be able to overlook the issues she had with her coach. When we started talking about her feelings I asked her to write them down for me and here is what she sent me...

How can MY GYM improve for me?

• coaches stayed off of phones, unless emergency
• coaches only yelled/screamed if it was a serious issue, involving the safety and/or well being of the gymnast(s)
• coaches acted in the interest of the gymnast, not allowing gymnasts to try skills they are not ready to try
• coaches gave more tips and pointers
• COACH I DON'T LIKE does not threaten to send me home for falling off the beam while i am trying to do a skill, especially when i am trying hard to make it or learning a new skill

Things COACH I DON'T LIKE says to me that upset me:

“If you fall off again, you can call your mom and tell her why she has to pick you up”.

when she tells me about how I shouldn’t waste my parents money when i’m not going for things

I’m lucky to be there, so I shouldn’t waste mine and my teammates time

Get off the beam (on my first turn) because i am wasting so and so’s time

I’m not allowed to warm up there (even though so and so is warming up in the exact same spot)

Why are you crying

You are not allowed to cry I am the coach I’ve done nothing wrong

Get off beam

(when i come back to stretch) Get away from here. i don’t want you distracting the other girls and i don’t want you in my sight. move as far away from me as you possibly can

"do you want to test me?"

I feel unsafe and unwelcome at MY GYM I would like to make this work, but I feel as if I do not belong.

Now I don't want to fly off the handle and flip out (well I do really but won't!) but I am blown away by what she said about not feeling safe. We have looked at the other gym, however it would be quite an adjustment to our families life to make the switch. Am I completely insane to try and make this work? I have a meeting with the head coach later this week to discuss these issues. Is this something I gym can turn around? Should I even try to discuss with HC or just move? Looking for advice ...

Mom

All that could be true, could. It could be a coach on a rampage , it could be a gymnast and a coach butting heads, it could be a sensitive teenagers take on everything. Who knows, but u should have a meeting with both coaches and include your daughter in it as well. I have seen these things work themselves out, so at least try. If not then at least you tried and it will make the transition easier.

 

[Muddlethru]

loves and cares for them...then does it again...loves and cares for them...buys you flowers and apologizes...does it again...loves and cares for them...does it again...buys you flowers and apologizes...

sound familar? hey, but gymnastics builds strong bodies and strong minds. it will prepare them for their potential choice future husbands. re-read 1st paragraph...

i want to believe that Noretaliation already knows what she needs to do.

Let me explain about the "loving and caring" comment I made. Yes, my daughter's coach has said some of the things the OP's daughter has listed but the girls don't take it seriously because they know it was not meant to hurt their feelings. When my daughter first started at the gym, she thought he was truly mean. Even my little one who took rec at that gym before my 11 year old switched over, could not believe I was letting her sister be coached by this mean coach. My little one may have very well decided not to pursue gymnastics because of what she witnessed.

But it did not take long for my daughter to realize he was not how he seemed. We believe he genuinely cares for his gymnasts. He picks up 3 of the team members from school everyday because the parents can't get the girls to the gym. He has tutored some of the girls at the gym. We planned a two week vacation and he wanted my daughter back in a week and offered to get her from the airport (about 2 hours one way from where he lives) He gives rides whenever it is needed. He takes care of the girls until a parent can get them, sometimes he has them the whole day at the gym. He does what he can and more. His seemingly "mean" comments probably stems from immaturity. I yell at my kids and on a bad day I may say not so nice things. But that does not mean I am abusive. So, I thought maybe the OP's daughter may be misunderstanding the coach. I was trying to see another possibility as remote as it may be.

I don't know how this post is coming across. But there is no indiscretion going on with this coach. He does what he can but he too has a life. He does not live, breath gymnastics. He just wants his gymnasts to succeed and is willing to help anyway he can.

 

[gymdog]

Let me explain about the "loving and caring" comment I made. Yes, my daughter's coach has said some of the things the OP's daughter has listed but the girls don't take it seriously because they know it was not meant to hurt their feelings. When my daughter first started at the gym, she thought he was truly mean. Even my little one who took rec at that gym before my 11 year old switched over, could not believe I was letting her sister be coached by this mean coach. My little one may have very well decided not to pursue gymnastics because of what she witnessed.

But it did not take long for my daughter to realize he was not how he seemed. We believe he genuinely cares for his gymnasts. He picks up 3 of the team members from school everyday because the parents can't get the girls to the gym. He has tutored some of the girls at the gym. We planned a two week vacation and he wanted my daughter back in a week and offered to get her from the airport (about 2 hours one way from where he lives) He gives rides whenever it is needed. He takes care of the girls until a parent can get them, sometimes he has them the whole day at the gym. He does what he can and more. His seemingly "mean" comments probably stems from immaturity. I yell at my kids and on a bad day I may say not so nice things. But that does not mean I am abusive. So, I thought maybe the OP's daughter may be misunderstanding the coach. I was trying to see another possibility as remote as it may be.

I don't know how this post is coming across. But there is no indiscretion going on with this coach. He does what he can but he too has a life. He does not live, breath gymnastics. He just wants his gymnasts to succeed and is willing to help anyway he can.

Unfortunately, someone needs to advise your coach he is making a huge mistake with the behavior and choices described. He should never be one on one with a kid and needs to protect himself. I would honestly consider this a red flag, but maybe he really is naive and immature. Who knows, but it's a terrible position for him to put himself on either way and doesn't reflect standard industry protections at this time.

 

[txgymfan]

I agree. If something would happen to one of the girls in his car or his care alone at the gym he would be open to a huge lawsuit. Coaches should never be alone with the athletes ever for the protection of both the athletes and the coach.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

i'm speechless learning this information...red flags all over the place.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter and you are going through this. (((Hugs))) and I sincerely hope you find a place where she feels supported and appreciated!

 

[Muddlethru]

Unfortunately, someone needs to advise your coach he is making a huge mistake with the behavior and choices described. He should never be one on one with a kid and needs to protect himself. I would honestly consider this a red flag, but maybe he really is naive and immature. Who knows, but it's a terrible position for him to put himself on either way and doesn't reflect standard industry protections at this time.

It may seem that way. And I do see the concern. But he is NEVER alone with one gymnast. He picks up 3 girls from school at the same time. He watches girls at the gym and if he offers rides, he makes certain there is either more than one gymnast or another female coach present. I've never heard of him taking just one child. Many here might think I am being naive but it is easy to pass judgement when you only see a part of the story. I cannot list every detail of every situation as my posts are already long winded as it is. And I know and have read of many coaches who were trusted by everyone just to turn around and take advantage of that trust. As stupid as it seems to most of you, I do trust this coach, I personally believe he is impulsive and immature but he is not a "bad" person. Another gym in our area just opened recently and the HC that was hired was a HC from another state. One of his L10s followed him. I do not know all the details but this L10 is staying with him and his wife. I guess the parents could not move and just allowed their daughter to live with this coach and finish out her senior year. The coach has coached this girl since she was 3. Seems like a bad move for the coach, right? In the eyes of an outsider, it does seem like it. But not knowing all the details, they may be family friends. I don't know.

In this day and age, everything seems like a red flag. Everything causes cancer. Every innocent comment can make you a racist. As many people as we catch doing unlawful acts, we too have misjudged and/or condemned innocent individuals. Just my two cents.

 

[bookworm]

4theloveofsports..your inbox is full

 

[Muddlethru]

4theloveofsports..your inbox is full

Emptied!

 

[ARKGYMMOM]

I just want to add as a parent of a former gymnast that was in a situation VERY similar to yours....
RUN!!!!
My DD was 11yr old L8 that just broke down and quit. Honestly like you I didn't see it coming!
If she still has the desire to do gymnastics please take her to a new gym and let her know what it truly could be. It teaches her also that it is okay to walk away from negative and nasty attitudes and actions.
My DD is not doing 3 other sports and is happier than she ever has been however if I had known and had another gym to take my DD to I would have run knowing what you know!!!

 

[gymmomtoo]

My DD quit club gymnastics entirely too due mostly to negative coaching. If she had asked me to go to another gym, I would have had her moved in a heart beat.

 

[Granny Smith]

My dd used to be, stress used to be, in a gym quite similiar. Lots of head games and mental crap that these girls don't need. I feel like your kid is begging you to move her. The difference for me is that I could see the treatment in my dd's old gym, but she couldn't. She was older and didn't want to leave. Then one day, I opened my big fat mouth, offended a coach and dd was kicked out of the "old" gym. It turned out to be the best day of our lives. Dd had to move to a new gym, in her senior year of HS after only being in the one gym her entire gym career. What a difference... Now when dd talks, she always says if only I had moved earlier. Don't worry about the changes you will have to make, you make it work. Your child wants to leave, you need to go.

 

[3LittleGymmies]

We were debating on leaving our gym anyway for a variety of reasons, but I found out yesterday that my daughter's coach has been making very negative comments to her about one event skill in particular and continuously blames the reason why it is so bad on her old gym (we moved states for work a year ago). She never even did this skill at her old gym and they know that! After knowing that, the decision was clear. I just can't make her go to a gym where they are not only not helping her fix what is wrong, but blaming it all on her old gym (which she still loves). I just feel so bad that she was holding this all inside all season .