Parents DD is starting to show signs of anxiety, pressure...

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FlippinLilysMom

Proud Parent
So up until a few weeks ago my DD, 11 years old and a level 8 (training level 9/HOPES) was doing great, but these past couple of weeks we've noticed a big change in her attitude. Tonight after dinner (it's also her 11th birthday today) she broke down in tears, saying that she is feeling all of this pressure. I asked her if she wanted to take a break from gymnastics and she said no, absolutely not. But I'm worried that all of this extra training for HOPES and getting ready for her first regionals is starting to wear her down. I tried to tell her that she shouldn't have any pressure regarding regionals, we want her to go into the meet this weekend thinking of it as more of an exhibition, since she can't go any further (can't move onto nationals or anything). That she should just be extremely proud of making it to regionals and to look at this weekend as a fun getaway with her teammates (she and 3 of her teammates made the super 8 team for Minnesota). Anxiety does run on both sides of our family. Going to email the coaches tomorrow and ask them for any advice that they may have for us and also going to look into getting her scheduled with a sports psychologist. Would love to hear any words of wisdom, advice, etc..I did tell her that if she wants to take a few days off from practice after regionals that she could, she has more than earned it. Just so worried about her, I feel like this came out of nowhere.
 
I would insist on the few days off after regionals. 3 or 4 days off to regroup, sleep, chill and rest her body will be very good for her.

The problems with burnout is that it does seem to come out of nowhere. A bit like a train coming - you can see it tiny in the distance but it looks like nothing and it doesn't make any noise, then all of a sudden it is huge, shrieking and overwhelming and mowing you down.

It sounds like this episode has been triggered by the stress of regionals, and it maybe, but I have seen that often stress/ fear appears not with the real issue but with the one before it. So with a skill eg not with the back tuck (the real fear) but with the BHS before it (thereby preventing the real fear the back tuck from even being attempted/ dealt with/ talked about). The same can happen with events.

So I would also look - what it next after regionals. Could it be that there is something after which is the real anxiety and it is rising up in her mind as getting closer and that after regionals she knows she has to deal with it head on. So the anxiety then becomes transferred to regionals in her mind.

As she might not admit this easily, it might be better to talk to someone not a coach or in the immediate family (someone not invested in her gymnastics success), so a sport physycologist might be a way of finding out what the real stresses are. Sometimes they are stresses which can be sorted easily. Sometimes they are not.

And this time , a good experience at regionals and a couple of days off might be all she needs, but this is a warning, so use this episode as a way of learning how to deal with the next one. For you, your dd and her coaches. And well done for seeing this as early as you have and being prepared to go the extra mile to deal with it. That will make all the difference in the long run. And good luck at regionals!
 
The first thing that jumps out is the fact that she has just turned 11.

11 is a very difficult age emotionally. For a lot of girls this is when they start to experience the hormone changes in preparation to going through puberty, this can be happening even if they don't seem to be anywhere near puberty physically.

At this age it is common to cry for absolutely no reason. Before this happens she might have taken everytning in her stride but during this trying time, things that would not have bothered her before can feel extremely hard now.
 
Even if she isn't responding visibly to what you're telling her, the message you're sending is critically important. You're proud of her no matter what, and regionals is just a reward and end to a great season. I wouldn't treat this as an emergency (so as not to make her feel more worried about what's going on), but if the anxiety doesn't abate after the meet, I would look into counseling, as it could be more than just the pressure of a big meet.
 
Maybe it's the HOPES training that is overwhelming her? The elite path is very intense and she's still very young. There has been many a talented kid burn out before they could reach their full potential in the elite world. I would consider asking her how she feels about sticking to JO only for a while, perhaps that would allow her to still do what she loves but slow down the intensity until she is ready.
 
See how she feels after Regionals and after a few days rest....even though it's the end of the season for her, there is probably some pressure for being part of the Super 8 team. She may feel re-energized when they start skill building exclusively again :) If she still feels pressure, a good sports psychologist wouldn't hurt especially if she's on the elite path.

My daughter is also an anxious child so I totally feel you. She and I are so ready for the "summer" training to start! Provincials are this weekend and the pressure at the gym has been a bit much for my comfort. I wish she could just see this as any other competition but it's the first year that she can qualify for Eastern Canadian Championships so she feels extra pressure even though she probably won't make it as they only take top 4 in her age/level.
 
The world you are describing is a pressure cooker especially for kids your daughter's age. My daughter went through it and it wasn't fun at all. In fact, it just got worse from there as they move from HOPES to elite qualifications. One thing that I did which seemed to make a difference was to make and give my daughter three "get out practice free" cards. I used index cards and put on them that I would call her in, no questions asked, once for each card. She never actually used them but just having them seemed to give her some relief.
 
Please remind her, its just a meet. She can only do her best as she does at every meet. There is nothing more to be done............

And what every one else has said, especially Jenny.
 
I would say the one good thing out of this is that she actually said something to you- that speaks volumes about her, you and her relationship! You have gotten really great advice here!
Sending hugs and good vibes- regionals should be fun- one she gets there and is on the state team she will see how great it is!!! Good Luck on the journey keep us posted!
 
There are two groups of optionals in our gym right now. The Level 7 and unders and the Level 8 and over who are getting ready for regionals and beyond. The kids who are done for the season are excited and happy to be in the gym, trying new skills, starting drills to learn new things. They are actively cheering for each other when they do something new. DD practically runs out the door to get to the gym. You can feel the excitement in the air. On the other side are the kids still in competition. I wouldn't say that it is full of anxiety and stress necessarily, but it has a different feel to it. DD's last week before state was filled with anxiety. She had a great meet season, she was set up to do really well, but she was really feeling the pressure. She definitely was in the running for state champion on at least one event and had a legitimate shot for the all around. She was not herself that week and did not have a good meet. Fast forward and she is happy, excited and ready to go. How we help them deal with the pressure is a good question, but hopefully after Regionals she will feel better. Super 8 is a big deal, and definitely has expectations that come with it, and she is old enough to know it. I would definitely let the coach know where her head space is right now, because they can put undue pressure on without even knowing. I think you will notice a release of pressure after the meet is over.They have to excel at this sport at such a young age if they are going to make it. I have no idea how to balance it....
 
One thing that I did which seemed to make a difference was to make and give my daughter three "get out practice free" cards. I used index cards and put on them that I would call her in, no questions asked, once for each card. She never actually used them but just having them seemed to give her some relief.

I LOVE this idea- at any age/level. What a great way to communicate to your athlete that it is THEIR sport and they are in charge. I think, like you said, just knowing those "coupons" are there would give a gymnast a sense of control. And often anxiety is the manifestation of feeling out of control.
 
I agree with what many said already, but wanted to reiterate that 11 is very tough age. My daughter just turned 11 as well, and while she is not as high of a level as your daughter, she has been extremely emotional, with lots of highs and lows. She never acted this way previously. The pressure of states plus a score out meet, and a small issue with a coach pushed her over the edge 3 weeks ago and for the first time she even said she wanted to switch gyms, quit, etc. Lots of crying. Fast forward to yesterday and she is totally back to normal, thrilled about new skills, a new teammate and her upcoming meet. My advice is to take it seriously, but also don't jump too fast into anything rash. At age 11, even a week or two can make a huge difference in her emotional state. However, I agree that a couple days off of gym is a great idea, after regionals. I allowed my daughter to skip practice one day when things were especially emotional, and it just showed her that I am on her side, and everything is going to be ok. Even that one day made a difference. I wish you both the best of luck. Tweens are tough and gymnastics is hard (especially what your daughter is doing)!
 
Gosh, FlippinLilysMom, I could have written that for my DD! Those Kids work so hard and some days they need to show it. We have the emotional roller coasters and sometimes even feel we need a mental institution! I love the "get out of practice free" card. Gives her the ownership of her body, and a no questions asked I NEED A BREAK! If she is too stressed and anxious you will see injuries (real or fake) whatever it takes to get what she needs. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship and for her to have that conversation with you is huge! We have turned to music that fits the mood, lots of baths, we use oils (just oils that fit her mood), and have even tried meditation. While nothing will "fix" anything, we did have a toolbox of strategies when we needed them. Best of luck to her at Regionals!
 
One question about the "get out of practice free" card. I can see how that is a neat idea, but what good does it do for the parent to give these? For my kid, I'm pretty sure she knows that I would be fine with her missing practice any time she wanted, but she's never asked to skip. Maybe that's b/c she truly always wants to go, but I also know that she would not think that her coaches would be okay if she were to skip w/o a good reason. In a situation like you are describing I could talk with the coaches and I imagine they would understand and want her to have a break, but I still don't think that she would feel comfortable taking one. Hmmm.... Anyone else feel this way?
 
So many great things written above....and one more thought.

Not all kids love when the season ends - for my DD, the real stress is the day after the last meet of the season and uptraining begins. She HATES this time of year.
My DD is all about refining the skills she has, making them perfect and doing them over and over again. That is her comfort zone. At the end of the season, she has mastered skills and is comfortable doing them. Yes, there is the pressure of the season-end comps, but the kids are doing things in their comfort zone.

My DD has been dreading today, the first practice after her L8 Regional meet. (The 8s had Monday off to rest.)
Why has she been dreading today? It's when new, SCARY skills are brought into the mix and this is what my DD fears. She has fear of failure, fear of not doing something well, so the idea of having to learn new tough and scary skills is super duper hard for her as she knows she will fall a million times and do it wrong a million times before she gets it right. For a perfectionist - a type A kid (most gymnasts!!) - this is a tough time of year. She is completely outside her comfort zone - a very scary place for a young kid!

I don't know if my DD is alone in feeling this way, but she has honestly been more worried about the week after Regionals, vs. Regionals itself. (and she certainly was feeling pressure for Regionals, as she won her AA age group at States....luckily everyone told her no pressure, just have fun, and she heeded to that advice.)

Wish me luck tonight - I am dreading pick up after practice as there is a very good chance I will have a teary-eyed daughter who is scared of her new series, of her new beam dismount, of her new bar skills, & her new tumbling passes!!!

And to the OP - there are any number of reasons that your DD could be feeling the way she is. It sounds like some rest and getting to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is will be helpful. I tried a couple of different types of people to help my DD and figure this all out. I had high hopes for the sports psychologist but that path didn't work for my DD - feel free to DM me if you want any more info on what ultimately has been helping!
 
My daughter always knew I had her back but felt the pressure to go to practice. She put more pressure on herself than I did. She knew that her coaches expected her to go and at the level she was at and trying to get to, she couldn't skip practice. The cards were a way that she could play hooky without the coaches knowing why. I was willing to make up an excuse to pull her out of practice and she knew that I would. They provided a relief valve if she needed it. I'm not sure that she would have been so stressed if she hadn't been in the elite training program. When she left that track, her stress level went down significantly.
 
One question about the "get out of practice free" card. I can see how that is a neat idea, but what good does it do for the parent to give these? For my kid, I'm pretty sure she knows that I would be fine with her missing practice any time she wanted, but she's never asked to skip. Maybe that's b/c she truly always wants to go, but I also know that she would not think that her coaches would be okay if she were to skip w/o a good reason. In a situation like you are describing I could talk with the coaches and I imagine they would understand and want her to have a break, but I still don't think that she would feel comfortable taking one. Hmmm.... Anyone else feel this way?
that would be mine, too.
 
So many great things written above....and one more thought.

Not all kids love when the season ends - for my DD, the real stress is the day after the last meet of the season and uptraining begins. She HATES this time of year.
My DD is all about refining the skills she has, making them perfect and doing them over and over again. That is her comfort zone. At the end of the season, she has mastered skills and is comfortable doing them. Yes, there is the pressure of the season-end comps, but the kids are doing things in their comfort zone.

My DD has been dreading today, the first practice after her L8 Regional meet. (The 8s had Monday off to rest.)
Why has she been dreading today? It's when new, SCARY skills are brought into the mix and this is what my DD fears. She has fear of failure, fear of not doing something well, so the idea of having to learn new tough and scary skills is super duper hard for her as she knows she will fall a million times and do it wrong a million times before she gets it right. For a perfectionist - a type A kid (most gymnasts!!) - this is a tough time of year. She is completely outside her comfort zone - a very scary place for a young kid!

I don't know if my DD is alone in feeling this way, but she has honestly been more worried about the week after Regionals, vs. Regionals itself. (and she certainly was feeling pressure for Regionals, as she won her AA age group at States....luckily everyone told her no pressure, just have fun, and she heeded to that advice.)

Wish me luck tonight - I am dreading pick up after practice as there is a very good chance I will have a teary-eyed daughter who is scared of her new series, of her new beam dismount, of her new bar skills, & her new tumbling passes!!!

And to the OP - there are any number of reasons that your DD could be feeling the way she is. It sounds like some rest and getting to the bottom of why she is feeling the way she is will be helpful. I tried a couple of different types of people to help my DD and figure this all out. I had high hopes for the sports psychologist but that path didn't work for my DD - feel free to DM me if you want any more info on what ultimately has been helping!

This is my DD exactly! The day after states she turns into a waterfall of tears! I thought she was the only one who dreaded uptraining! Always a rough summer of listening to her worry about the skills "she is never going to get"!
 
This is my DD exactly! The day after states she turns into a waterfall of tears! I thought she was the only one who dreaded uptraining! Always a rough summer of listening to her worry about the skills "she is never going to get"!

My kid exactly. Summer is sooooooo hard......
 

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