For Parents Dd quitting

[Jules]

After 5 years training 20+ hours a week my 12 year old didn't want to go to training today, burst into tears and said she wanted to stop. I always knew this day would come but have to admit to feeling really sad. She's had more than her fair share of injuries but has always fought back & is doing so well.

Of course I support her decision but it's going to be a big change for her/us as it's been such a big part of our lives for so long.

 

[John]

 

[CTMOM]

I'm sorry. Could she be having a bad day?

 

[Gymmommy71]

Is this the first time she ever talked like that, or has it been brewing for a while?

 

[B&M's mom]

See what tomorrow brings. Mine did that at the same age then the next day went back to practice. It may just be a bad day.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Talk it through and make sure it's not sudden and that she means it, but if she does it's great you're listening to her. My DD has two girls on her team that hate being there day in and day out, and their parents refuse to listen. It makes my DD really sad for them.

 

[Jules]

Thanks all, it's the first time she's vocalised it to me but said that her teammates were talking about it in the summer & she's been thinking about it since then. Going back to school & remembering she misses a lot of things (other school sports & parties) have probably all added to it. I've surprised myself that I feel so upset about it, but if her heart isn't in it anymore it really is too much of a commitment to continue

 

[sce]

Thanks all, it's the first time she's vocalised it to me but said that her teammates were talking about it in the summer & she's been thinking about it since then. Going back to school & remembering she misses a lot of things (other school sports & parties) have probably all added to it. I've surprised myself that I feel so upset about it, but if her heart isn't in it anymore it really is too much of a commitment to continue

Sounds like it's not a sudden thing for her, but she may have been afraid to say it out loud. It is such a big decision. This is such a common age for it to happen too though. Sounds like you are a great support too. It is sad, normal for you to be sad and she may be sad too. You don't need to try to make the sadness go away either, there is a grieving process on these situations. Even really good decisions can be painful.

 

[e'smum]

my gymmie went through something similar (since may). i thought she was going to quit. she didn't come out and say it though, it was more her lack of wanting to go. tears. refusing to do skills she could already do or try a new skill she could do if she set her mind to it. i thought she was going to quit.

it was very painful for me. not just b/c she was obviously conflicted about it and wanted to quit but didn't want to quit. but because it was our life for 4 years and i have some good friends at the gym, as does she. ultimately it was her decision and it seems she's decided to stay. but, i know this could be her last year. she's 10. so i'm going to enjoy it.

one thing that i did realize was that no matter how much she loves it, she also needs a break from it too. so i told her we will not be missing out on all the fun stuff. we've already talked about some practices she will miss and the fun things we will be doing. she also knows if she needs a day off, her coaches are ok with her taking one off. i'm hoping that by taking a step back mentally (and physically) will help her. she does love the gym and seems happier now with her decision to stay.

but, it was several months of me being sad and grieving what i felt like was the loss of a big part of our life. it was hard to go through, me personally. even though in my head i'd already purchased a much needed new car with the tuition and meet fees and was looking forward to that extra $ . like SCE said, it's a grieving process and let your gymmie and yourself go through it.

 

[Jules]

She's adamant she wants to stop and I can't get to the bottom of why. She was upbeat about learning new moves & upcoming comps on Sunday and now tells me it makes her unhappy. It's so hard to understand when I've seen her work so hard to get where she is.

Before going through this I would have laughed about reference to a grieving process, but you are spot on! I don't think she's going to change her mind so big changes ahead.

 

[duyetanh]

Talk it through and make sure it's not sudden and that she means it, but if she does it's great you're listening to her. My DD has two girls on her team that hate being there day in and day out, and their parents refuse to listen. It makes my DD really sad for them.

We have that here also. Omg it really bugs my dd, and we talk about how the moms are living through their kids, not for them. You are being an awesome mom by listening. I think every parent out there would feel a weird void of a sort, but there are also so many positive things she can take from this sport for LIFE. My kid has found another sport that is in no way first before gym, but i am so glad she has it to fall back on if needed. Tonight one of the coaches told me she could get a scholarship to college and i just smiled, and in the car my kid said, "Mom, you do know gym is first in my life, right?"
I reassured her not to worry, i would never make up her mind for her about what she wants to do for a sport! A scholarship in gymnastics, while it would be lovely, is not her end all goal. Competing and challenging herself in gymnastics is her goal. I wish you and your dd luck in the future, and know she will be amazing in whatever she chooses to do, because gymnastics is the all powerful.

 

[nycgymmom]

Can I play Devils advocate..my friends daughter just said the same thing, after same conversation with her teammates. Just wondering if she is being influenced by her teammates decisions, fear of being without those teammates and new skills she has to perform. After my friend sat down with her daughter this is what was truly the issue. Her mom agreed to add some privates and play it by ear, if closer to first meet or after she still feels this way she would respect her decision.
Just an idea, but If our daughter is truly certain, respect it and find her new adventure

 

[ldw4mlo]

I would do a few things.........

Ask what she wants to do instead, in other words what is her plan.......

I would give her a couple days off, don't know where you live, but around here we are just staring the school year..... so it could be adjustment
Especially if she has just started middle school. 20 hours a week means she is missing a lot of other stuff and perhaps she wants time for those things.

I would after a set couple of days off have her go back and discuss with her, she committed to this (end of season would be official quitting time) she needs to at least get to her first meet and see how she feels.

I would also be chatting with her about giving it more time now that she seems overheard rough stuff. About not making a quick emotional decision about something she put so much effort into. Both sides of her brain should e on the same page, the emotional and rational.

Also, she should have a talk with her coaches about wat this means about any future comeback. Could she? What would it take? Do they have a less rigorous program, Xcel or IGC, that she could do?

And while on the subject, would she like to continue gymnastics but with less hours?

Then at a mutually agreed upon time to revisit this. Perhaps a week after her first meet. At which time if she can get to the why and what she wants going forward and tha she gets the possible outcomes, you will respect her decision.

And then do that. Respect her decision and be happy for her next chapter. Even if you have to fake it until you make it.

Because she needs to know it's about her.

 

[kayjaybe]

My dd is/was going through something similar. She just finished her 2nd year at L8 (although 1st year she was injured most of the year). She had a GREAT season. But now she is struggling with L9 skills. She felt so much internal pressure to get to L9 and thought her coach was really pushing for that, too. On top of a very intense school schedule plus her desire to spend time with school friends and even get a PT job, it was just too much. She was ready to quit the whole thing.

Then on Saturday, the coach pulled her aside to find out what was really going on. He completely took all the pressure off her and suggested she do another year at L8. She can continue to work her L9 skills and put them in if she wanted to....or leave them out if she had a bad day. But there would be NO pressure about them. Then, he offered her a PT job at the gym. (She's 15.)

In 1 day, my stressed, unhappy kid went from miserable to having a great day at practice. She can ENJOY the sport and not feel all the pressure. We are all SO happy with the outcome.

Is your dd feeling pressure to get skills and move up? Can you take that pressure off of her and have her repeat the level? Or try to find out what it is really about? Maybe she is done with gym....or maybe there is a way it can be fun for her again.

 

[ldw4mlo]

@kayjaybe that is exactly why I think a chat with the coach should happen.

Sometimes they think it has to be all or nothing. Or they can only see one thing in their heads. And it's not always do.

Very happy your kid is happy and working it out.

 

[Mamabear123]

I'm curious about gymnasts retiring during this time of the year. Our official season has started and contracts have already been signed. When gymnasts decide to retire, are there still the same fees and penalties that would come if you left the gym after the season started? I hate to say it but if DD wanted to quit now, I would unfortunately make her finish the season. Unless of course it was due to an injury.

 

[Jules]

So, after a week out, a chat with her coach & lots of snap chatting with team mates, she's going to commit to her next comp and then see how she feels. If doesn't regain her mojo then will finish (hopefully less abruptly) & sign up for other sports knowing that have properly considered it & not made a rash decision.
The emotional rollercoaster continues........

 

[profmom]

So, after a week out, a chat with her coach & lots of snap chatting with team mates, she's going to commit to her next comp and then see how she feels. If doesn't regain her mojo then will finish (hopefully less abruptly) & sign up for other sports knowing that have properly considered it & not made a rash decision.
The emotional rollercoaster continues........

What a wise choice! You should be proud of her maturity.

 

[John]

My dd is/was going through something similar. She just finished her 2nd year at L8 (although 1st year she was injured most of the year). She had a GREAT season. But now she is struggling with L9 skills. She felt so much internal pressure to get to L9 and thought her coach was really pushing for that, too. On top of a very intense school schedule plus her desire to spend time with school friends and even get a PT job, it was just too much. She was ready to quit the whole thing.

Then on Saturday, the coach pulled her aside to find out what was really going on. He completely took all the pressure off her and suggested she do another year at L8. She can continue to work her L9 skills and put them in if she wanted to....or leave them out if she had a bad day. But there would be NO pressure about them. Then, he offered her a PT job at the gym. (She's 15.)

In 1 day, my stressed, unhappy kid went from miserable to having a great day at practice. She can ENJOY the sport and not feel all the pressure. We are all SO happy with the outcome.

Is your dd feeling pressure to get skills and move up? Can you take that pressure off of her and have her repeat the level? Or try to find out what it is really about? Maybe she is done with gym....or maybe there is a way it can be fun for her again.

I think most good coaches have a mission in mind while coaching their gymnasts. That mission may be to make the gymnast the best possible gymnast they can be. I think mission statement translatest o moving gymnasts through levels when they believe the gymnast is capable. DD, 10, had to sign a contract with her coach agreeing to give her all and work to the achieve the most her ability has to offer.

@kayjaybe post shows me that a good coach can keep a girl interested by realizing what each gymnast is going through and pull back the pressure when it fits the situation. In this case, it kept thi15-year-old in gym and it this makes me happy. Lesson to be garnered here is to teach our DDs to speak their minds and ask the coaches for what they need, they may actually get it. PT job at gym for a 15-year-old equals

 

[ldw4mlo]

I'm curious about gymnasts retiring during this time of the year. Our official season has started and contracts have already been signed. When gymnasts decide to retire, are there still the same fees and penalties that would come if you left the gym after the season started? I hate to say it but if DD wanted to quit now, I would unfortunately make her finish the season. Unless of course it was due to an injury.

Our gym has no contract, regarding financial commitment. And we don't have a booster club. We pay as we go for meets, coaches fees billed after once expenses and number of gummies attended known.

So if my kid were to quit today. We would be out, the warm up I just bought as there is custom embroidery/name on it. Possibly 3 meet fees I already paid for, if those couldn't be refunded. If she were to quit next week I would be out Octobers tuition as well. So in the scheme of how much I have spent in previous years finances and money would never be a factor in if she stays or goes. Unless of course it was our finances that were the issue. But if she is wanting to it's not about the money.