Parents DD struggling. What to do?

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saddlupasb

Coach
Proud Parent
Judge
I'll start this off by giving a little background. I'm a gymnastics mom, coach and judge. My older DD did gym for 7 years before retiring. She thought I would quit when she did. As I am totally a gymnastics geek, and it was the only thing I did for me no way was that happening.
My youngest DD has been in the gym her whole life. She played around in classes before deciding she wanted to compete at the age of 7. So after doing classes she was finally on my Level 3 Team as a 9 year old. She did well but the coach in me sees that she's not a gymnast. She's a girl doing what mom does. She gets skills in her own time. Last year she did Level 4 and was able to get all her skills to the point of meeting our gym's move up requirements. I was skeptical because she still had fear of her Robhs and did not have the straightest legs at state.
This spring she turned 11, completing grade school. Going into middle school she decided that she would like to try other sports. I'm okay with that. I've always tried to get her to widen her experience. She's done dance for 3 years but decided she's not a dancer. I agree. Lol. I have always told her she can quit gym when she doesn't enjoy it any more. Now I'll get to the point.
I did not let her quit this spring because her reason for quitting was that she is scared of the cartwheel on beam. I don't know if I have done the right thing. She continues in the level 4 group even though I can see that she is struggling. She loves being in the gym with her friends but is one of 2 without her kip. She's scared to vault, scared of the cartwheel and just is set up to fail. I try not to let that happen to other people's kids, why am I letting it happen to mine?

I'm not sure what to do. I've talked to her coaches (my coworkers) and they say she'll be fine. I also have to pay with just a discount on tuition. I really don't want to pay for her to compete when she doesn't have one competitive event. We did start an Xcel group this year and she has expressed interest in that. But there is part of me that sees that as giving up? Ugh. I am pretty sure this will be her last season so should I keep her in the group where I know she'll fail or let her do Xcel where she may have some success?
 
I definitely don't see Xcel as giving up. DD had her best gym friend switch to Xcel this year. She was training 7 but had developed a fly-away fear and also a fear of the BHS on beam. She also had other interests she wanted to pursue and was struggling with getting her schoolwork done. She loves tumbling, so she went to a competitive cheer try-out but was appalled by the tumbling she saw there and decided cheer was not for her. So she is now doing Xcel. It gives her the flexibility to do what she wants to do both in the gym (she can do level 7/8 tumbling while still doing a level 5 bar dismount) and out of the gym (is now taking horseback riding and is in the drama club). I think Xcel is a great choice for girls who love gym but don't want the pressure and commitment of the levels. You may find that, if she switches to Xcel, this ends up not being her last year of gym after all. She may fall in love with it all over again.
 
Thanks MaryA. I think I'll have an honest talk with her and just see what her goals are. I only hesitate because I know her and I don't want her to think she's letting me down. If I have doubts then so will she?
 
I think it's a shame that Xcel has the reputation as being the "ugly stepsister" of JO. The girls who do Xcel still put more hours in at the gym than most kids put into any one after-school activity, still stay in great shape, still get to flip and fly, still get to compete. DD's goals right now are to make it to level 10 and to maybe do gym in college. If she reaches a point where those aren't her goals any more, or if she's talking about quitting gym, or if she wants to explore other interests, or she is struggling in school, I will definitely be encouraging her to go the Xcel track. It's definitely a more "sane" option than the track she's currently on. And now that Xcel is the same from state to state, there is even the option to go to the fun out-of-state meets that prep-op couldn't go to in the past.
 
I think it's a shame that Xcel has the reputation as being the "ugly stepsister" of JO. The girls who do Xcel still put more hours in at the gym than most kids put into any one after-school activity, still stay in great shape, still get to flip and fly, still get to compete. DD's goals right now are to make it to level 10 and to maybe do gym in college. If she reaches a point where those aren't her goals any more, or if she's talking about quitting gym, or if she wants to explore other interests, or she is struggling in school, I will definitely be encouraging her to go the Xcel track. It's definitely a more "sane" option than the track she's currently on. And now that Xcel is the same from state to state, there is even the option to go to the fun out-of-state meets that prep-op couldn't go to in the past.


I have never thought of Xcel that way but know that many do. My older dd did Prep op and while she did have some fun, that is another story. I think this DD would love it and it would fit her needs right now more than L4.
 
My DD has done xcel for the last 2 seasons. However, it was used as our former gyms Level 6 team to avoid competing the Level 6 compulsary routines all year long. Another advantage of xcel is the flexibility of the routines. They have their own routines. So much nicer than watching and hearing compulsary music over and over again!
 
DD loves Xcel and it was a much better fit for her. While she was on old level 4, definitely had the level 4 skills, her form and dancing was not very pretty and since Xcel has their own routines, they can play up the strengths. She also has a lot of fears that come and go so the routines could be adjusted to fit her issues of the week... :) And it is very nice to see the different routines and skills, rather than hearing that same compulsory music over and over during meets. ;)
 
We had a mother that was in a similar situation earlier this summer. Her daughter had made the scores to move up to New L4 from Old L4. She was struggling with some skills though - beam cartwheel, kip, RO 2BHS. She wanted to do Xcel. Her mom thought it was an easy out. She also thought her daughter would not keep working the skills. She got her kip last week and she got her beam cartwheel 2 weeks ago.
 
So is she doing Xcel? Or L4?

I talked with HC last night and also DD but separately. I don't know how she feels. I gave her all the options and explained how I feel about it all. Now it's up to her.
 
Actually, i am in almost the exact situation. I am not a coach or judge. I am just a parent. My dd has struggled for 2 years with beam fear. She hated the cartwheel on beam. She wasnt near getting her bwo on beam to do the new level 5. So she was moved to xcel. It broke her heart because of the belief that xcel is the stepsister of jo( i liked that analogy). Honestly it bothers me too. I have had some comments made by other parents that have not been encouraging. However, she is much happier in xcel. Which is what is important. It has been a good decision. It sounds like our dds are a lot a like. My ddis 11 as well.
 
I can understand your conflicting feelings but from this bystanders viewpoint it looks like a no brainer.

You said that she expressed an interest in Xcel. You also said she has a lot of fear and you think she is feeling the pressure of doing the right thing to please you and not her. You also said that you wouldn't put someone else's child through that...

If it were my dd I would let her try Xcel and I would make sure she knew that it was not giving up and that I was just as proud of her and excited for her and I'd see what happens. The other option sounds as though it's a matter of time before she does quit and that would be a shame.

You can carry on working with your team girls and feel pride in their achievements too, so it seems win win.
 
I just want to add -- I think there's no setting a kid up for failure unless the move ups are too aggressive; even then I don't think a kid should see a bad competition year as a failure. Or taking 3 years at a level as a failure. I don't think that's the life skill we want to teach, because a lot of stuff in adulthood, you keep going with what you love even if you think other people would think you've plateaued. I don't think not reaching level 6 until age 17 should be seen as a failure. One is only wasting one's time at gymnastics if one does not like gymnastics. Kids who like gymnastics and are willing to work hard at their pace should be celebrated. It should be up to her whether she trains in JO or Xcel as long as she's not a drain on the training group pace.
 
Lol, I realized that I didn't say that the girl in question is doing Xcel. The night she got her kip, her mom happened to be in the gym. I turned and told her, "See, I told you she would still be working on getting the skills." She is also working on her Front Tuck on floor, which she wouldn't be allowed to do as a New L4.
 
Your child chose to be a gymnast. She spends her hours being critiqued, attempting to work through fear, feeling physical pain and comparing herself to her teammates. If she does it because gymnastics is her passion, that is a testament to who she is and should be celebrated and encouraged. To add any pressure to please anyone other than herself, or achieve at a level that is not reasonable for her, only sets her up for feelings of failure. If she is doing this sport to please anyone beyond herself, she will not live her best life. Believe she is amazing for who she is and what she is willing to go through for the love of a sport and she will thrive beyond measure. Leave the levels and path of the sport up to her and her coach and believe that she has the power to make these choices if you empower her to do so. Best of luck as you find a way to help her make the best choice. Mothering a gymnast is difficult work, to be sure.
 
Your child chose to be a gymnast. She spends her hours being critiqued, attempting to work through fear, feeling physical pain and comparing herself to her teammates. If she does it because gymnastics is her passion, that is a testament to who she is and should be celebrated and encouraged. To add any pressure to please anyone other than herself, or achieve at a level that is not reasonable for her, only sets her up for feelings of failure. If she is doing this sport to please anyone beyond herself, she will not live her best life. Believe she is amazing for who she is and what she is willing to go through for the love of a sport and she will thrive beyond measure. Leave the levels and path of the sport up to her and her coach and believe that she has the power to make these choices if you empower her to do so. Best of luck as you find a way to help her make the best choice. Mothering a gymnast is difficult work, to be sure.
Well said:)
 
Update

First I would like to say that I do not care what level she does or how fast she does them. I am proud of her no matter what and am amazed at what she is doing, it is just difficult to watch her feel bad all the time. That being said this is what has happened since.

We had a discussion where I just laid everything out for her. I asked her to think about what she wanted to do with her gymnastics. I also reminded her that right after State she had wanted to quit due to fear and that I had told her that that is not a good reason to quit so she had to work through the summer and we would revisit the situation. I gave her 4 choices after giving her the pros and cons of her current level; 1. Stay in Level 4 and work her tail off to get the skills. 2. Go back to Level 3 3. Go to Xcel 4. Quit. I also told her that I would support her in whatever she chose to do and that she should feel free to choose whichever one was right for her. I gave her the week to think about it. The next day she got up on the beam and did tons of cartwheels. I even saw her fall on her back and then get back up and do more. She now has straight legs on her robhsbhs. She went over the vault table on Saturday by herself. So she showed me with her actions what she wanted to do and I did ask her last night if she was choosing to do L4 and she laughed and said yes. I can say that I am very proud of her for choosing the most difficult route and not taking an easy out. I also think that this will help her in her gymnastics because she knows that SHE chose to do this Level and not me. Last night her HC who was coaching the 6/7s stopped their practice to watch her FHS. She was so proud. I'm so happy for her.
 
Update! She actually made 6 kips on Wednesday and more than 10 on Saturday! And she's doing her cartwheels without a lot of mental issues. Vault is ugly but she's going over by herself. Floor is back to awful BHS and terrible BER. But she's trying at least. She's happy and making progress and that is all I can ask. :p
 
She owns her choice. So there is far more buy in. That is awesome, and it sure seems to be working!
 

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