MAG Dealing with team member conflict

[Deleted member 10727]

I will try to make this as brief as possible.

Backstory: My kids have a team mate who they are best friends with and they have been a very strong trio, team-wise. They've gotten along very well.
I started hanging out with this team boy's mother outside of gym. I saw some red flags for years, but thought I could handle it since my younger kid also plays with her younger kids, and it was fun for the kids to hang out outside of gymnastics. The mom though... I hate to use the word crazy, but there it is. She has done some insane things, like yelling at the top of her lungs at me in a public over something minor, about things that are super personal (in her life) that you just would not even talk about normally, much less yell out loud. We had windows slam when this happened, because people were hearing it. I was ready to call the "friendship" quits then, but after talking it over with my husband, we decided that I would maintain a superficial friendship so our children (again, best friends all around) could hang out outside of the gym setting.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a discussion with the mom, and she mentioned a word which she pronounced very wrong, and automatically, without thinking, I corrected her pronunciation. I saw a shadow pass over her face and realized I'd crossed some boundary. Everything seemed fine though, and we'd had many conversations since that were friendly. Then a week after the incident, I received a text from the mom saying something odd and garbled about the pronunciation of this word, then a message saying she wanted "no contact". When I said I didn't understand, she said there was nothing to talk about, and to leave her alone. I was blown away, but shouldn't have been due to past experience.

I have no other problems with any other parents at gym, with both the boys and girls team. I go in and am friendly with everyone and chat with people, but now I have to pass this woman and act as if I don't know her or see her. It's become uncomfortable. She has taken up a new habit of staying the whole 4 hour practice, even though before she would dump and run. Any time I am talking to someone, she makes a point to stop the person and chat with them right after. This was not typical of her either, since she tended to keep to herself. It's just weird, but I thought, whatever.

Now the point of this thread: This woman's son, and my children's team mate, has started telling my boys in practice, "Please don't talk to me." Yesterday, my older son was talking to his brother when this boy turned their way and repeated, "Please don't talk to me." My older son asked me, "That is so weird. I wasn't even talking to him. What is going on?" I am averse to including children in adult problems. This boy rarely smiles, acts nervous around adults, and my kids were basically his only friends. I feel responsible, because I continued to try to maintain a friendship with the mom even though the signs were there it would not end well.

I am unsure how to handle this issue. My kids *need* to talk to this boy during drills and practice. They can't act as if he doesn't exist, right? I've sort of let the coach know what has happened regarding the boy telling my kids not to talk to him, but feel uncomfortable including the coach at all. I was hoping the coach could sit the 3 boys down and talk it over ("Have the boys offended you in some way to warrant not talking to you?), but I'm not their coach and this is so strange and new to me. How would you handle it? What can be done, if anything?

 

[profmom]

Wow, this is a terribly sad story. From what you describe, it sounds like the mother has some significant mental health issues. It is going to be a hard road for your sons' teammate. It's hard to know what's right to do, but I think what I would do is talk privately with the coach and let him know the whole story you've told us, have a pretty grown up talk with your sons and encourage them not to shut the boy out if he approaches him, and keep your distance from the mom.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

The coach has addressed past team mate conflicts (but nothing like this) by sitting ALL team boys down and making a very weak blanket statement to the team regarding respecting team mates or something to that affect. I think he will just do that again, and that it won't sink in to the team boy that it applies to him since he is being respectful by saying "please".

I have told the boys that they need to carry on with this boy as if nothing has changed and don't worry about it if he says, don't talk to me. I explained that he may be confused right now, but he is still their team mate and friend. I hope that is enough. They are still really upset though.

I agree. It is sad. I feel worse for the boy than my own children.

 

[gymdog]

This screams personality disorder. Not sure what you can do for the kids if you never witnessed any abuse. But, you make a mention of "dirty laundry" that you know about that most people "wouldn't even talk about", so that sounds significant. I'm sure the mother, especially if she has a mental condition that exacerbates paranoia, is aware of this. It's also pretty likely she's gone through similar cycles with other people in the past. Unfortunately, if she isn't seeking help for these conflicts, it's not likely that you'll make any leeway at all.

I would advise your boys to be polite and supportive to their teammate, but not to otherwise bother him. With the mother hanging around, I'm sure he's extremely nervous, and the best thing I think your boys can do for him is to remove that stress of watching his every move.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Yeah, I am sure he is nervous. But he is nervous around adults when she is not around, too. The boys are normally very oblivious to these types of things, but I guess this hit directly home for them.

I have not witnessed any direct abuse and the dirty laundry is something that has been addressed. I think? There has been some serious habitual lying going on from her as well.

 

[skschlag]

This is a hard, sad story. I think you have handled it really well so far. I agree that maybe talking 1:1 with the coach could help, but I also understand how that can be hard, sharing all of that with him. Most parents probably already know what she is like, like you did.

The really scary part is that she could, and I am not saying that she is, but she could really divide the team up. That would be sad. There is an almost toxic feeling to this, and I am not sure if she is the type to try to drive a wedge between people, but it sounds like she could.

Good luck! This has to be really hard on your boys as well

 

[Deleted member D3987]

yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 10727]

I think that is she is attempting to drive a wedge, based on her stopping to talk to everyone I have talked to or chatted with, and her then pulling those people over right after. Something about that doesn't sit right with me. Another red flag is that she didn't ever stay more than a few minutes at most for practice for 2 years and now suddenly she is staying the entire time. Four hours is a long time to sit.

Today my kids had Open Gym and the boy and his family were there. My youngest team kid usually practices with this kid (they are the only 2 kids who actually practice and don't play around the whole time), and they practiced this time too, but the kid didn't say one word to my child. It's getting my kid depressed, because he looked forward to hanging with this boy and working with him.

 

[skschlag]

I think you have to talk to the coach before it becomes a huge team issue. Her behavior could really affect the team, and the coach has to know about it before it does.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

I did talk to him. I let him know the backstory in brief. She has been nothing but nice and semi-normal with him (as with all "authority figures", which I have figured out from her stories), so he was very understandably confused at her reaction. He understood this was an issue and he said he would talk to the "team boys", which sounds like he plans another full team discussion with a blanket statement about respect.

I suggested via text message to him the sitting down with the 3 boys idea, but he never responded (he rarely responds to text mssgs on days off). Maybe he is thinking about it. I feel like he will address it somehow. He is usually very good about this stuff, but this one is so odd, even for me who experienced it first hand!

 

[profmom]

If he doesn't figure it out now, I'm sure he will have ample opportunity to do so later. I hope for everyone's sake he figures it out now.

One worst case scenario is that she will temporarily turn a few people against you, but they will also eventually but inevitably fall from their status as Favored Ones for her. Lots and lots of patience, but also frank talk with your boys. If they can learn some unfortunately necessary lessons about dealing compassionately with the effects of difficult people, I guess that constitutes a bit of a silver lining.

 

[gymboymom]

I feel really bad for you, your boys, and especially her son. That said is there anyway you could text her and ask her to leave the kids out of it? Saying you will leave her alone and have no contact with her? Etc?
I feel so bad for her son, she is obviously telling him to say that to your boys, and then watching him to make sure he does. I don't think the coach can do anything to fix that. Maybe when the mom stops staying, but not til then. So telling the coach she is saying no contact with you, and you think her boys to yours (I think he has to know it is coming from mom) is all he needs to know. Obviously she is upset by your correcting her, but this is taking things way too far and could have a huge impact on the boys program since most are so small. It is not fair to the kids to put them in the middle like this.

 

[KCHAMP]

What a tough situation - teams spend way too much time together to not at least be civil and supportive of each other.

I do think your boys should be aware of the situation at some level. I am not in anyway saying she would do something that would harm them but it does sound like she is unstable. I would want it to be clear to your kids that they should not be going with her under any circumstances (say you are running a few minutes last for pick up or something).

I hope things smooth out for everyone involved.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I was only six when my best friend told me we couldn't be friends any more because my mom had done something awful to her mom. I remember my mom trying hard to not say anything bad about her former friend, but at the same time letting me know we probably wouldn't be spending much time together. It was hard for her and hard for me. We lived next to each other, rode the same bus, etc. I wish I could say there was a happy ending, but unfortunately, it was just a difficult time. I really like profmom's reply... she may cause some issues for a while, but isn't likely to fool anyone for long.

 

[Sasha]

So sorry for your situation. It does unfortunately sound like a personality disorder. I have had some similar individuals in my life in the past.

Assuming she is akin to a BPD, there is the possibility of trying to diffuse the situation now that a little time has passed, in finding a private moment with her to offer an 'apology', framed as something like your own shortcomings in correcting people or being grammar police... How you know it isn't always appropriate, you're so sorry it came out in your previous conversation, you felt so bad the moment you said something, but you're not very good at handling a slip, etc., etc.,. Put the blame on yourself and your own shortcomings, and perhaps she will regain some perceived power (which she needs to feel) and soften up if you appear genuine and not condescending. Of course, to the rest of us, you did nothing warranting any negative reaction at all, but to her, it was probably taken as an extreme put down, that you were faking liking her all along, etc, that you're out to make her and her son look bad, or whatever other horribly illogical (but real to her) chain of emotionally-charged thoughts came along the more she stewed about it.

Of course, if it 'works' to diffuse her hostility toward you, the down side is you'll have to continue your superficial and one-sided friendship to some degree, but maybe the boys will benefit. Or it might fall flat, but at least you know you extended the olive branch out of sympathy to her possibly (likely) mental illness and her innocent son.....

Hope you find a path through and nothing escalates ...

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Sasha, that is a good idea, except I did that last time with the whole yelling dirty laundry bit (apologized for offending her in some way, although it was something minor and not really something I should have apologized for). I figured it would diffuse her and let the kids continue to be friends. However, this is just too much. I am to the point where I want her to just go away to her crazy place and leave me and the kids out of it. I don't want to have *any* dealings with her ever again.

JoyAveMom, I'm sorry that happened to you. That sounds similar and so sad. My younger team kid is 7, so it's around the same age this kind of thing happened to you. Ugh.

The coach never responded to my text regarding this issue, and he did not address it (acknowledge my communication) with me in gym today. He also didn't address it with the boys as far as I could tell. My husband thinks he will try to let this just blow over. I wish he wouldn't, but I'm not sure what to do about it from here. I talked to him once, and texted him once when it escalated to my other child when he wasn't even talking to this boy. Do I bring it up again? Wait and see? I just don't know.

 

[skschlag]

That is so hard. can you set up a time to talk to him? Or do you feel comfortable waiting? What do your boys thing? would they feel comfortable approaching the coach if/when the other boy says something to one of them?

 

[Deleted member 10727]

Gymboymom, you may be right and that this will blow over with the boys, and that there is nothing the coach can do. I don't want to believe he can't fix it, because my kids are really (still) upset with this boy. If I told my boys to say, "Don't speak to me," to another child, I think they would think I was nuts, unless the boys was obviously harming them or something, and they wouldn't do it. Thank goodness. An adult yes, a teammate and friend no.

 

[Deleted member 10727]

That is so hard. can you set up a time to talk to him? Or do you feel comfortable waiting? What do your boys thing? would they feel comfortable approaching the coach if/when the other boy says something to one of them?

I asked them if they would go to coach about it, and they said no. I asked if coach wanted to talked to them about it, would they, and they said yes.

We have a fundraiser this saturday for the team, and I am not participating because I know this woman and her kids will be there. We are around these people 4-5 days per week, and I feel it needs to be addressed at least with the kids.

 

[Sasha]

Sasha, that is a good idea, except I did that last time with the whole yelling dirty laundry bit (apologized for offending her in some way, although it was something minor and not really something I should have apologized for). I figured it would diffuse her and let the kids continue to be friends. However, this is just too much. I am to the point where I want her to just go away to her crazy place and leave me and the kids out of it. I don't want to have *any* dealings with her ever again.

Do I bring it up again? Wait and see? I just don't know.

I totally sympathize and support you not wanting to have any more dealings with her. Looks like she is going to stick around in your space, though, so if the coach doesn't step in on his own, or her son's attitude toward your boys doesn't start to soften shortly, I think I would be persistent with the coach and have another meeting with him. Regardless of the reason why her son is being rude to your sons, I see it as a behavior not to be tolerated in gym. And though the coach needs to have some insight as to why the boy's behavior is sour toward your sons (because mom is instructing him to do that), and should be sympathetic to the boy as you are, at the end of the day, the woman's son isn't being a good team-mate, and that shouldn't be acceptable. The coach needs to address the problem, just as if another boy was being mean or rude to another boy on the team for any other reason. That's my take anyway.

Hope you find some peace..