Parents Finding balance

[MaryA]

I know this topic has been discussed in different ways in different threads, but I'd like to open it again (because it's cheaper than therapy ).

Let me start with an anecdote. Non-gym daughter has an mini art-show (just the girls in her after-school art class) so my gymmie is missing gym to go and then we're going to go out for dinner with friends after. When I mentioned this to her coach, she asked if DD would like to come practice with the optionals on Wednesday. I ask her and she says that she doesn't know. Time comes when I need to let her HC know if she's coming to Wednesday practice or not, she still says she doesn't know if she wants to go. I do a bit of prodding (I am thinking that she is maybe intimidated by the optionals girls... DD is level 6 and there are no level 7's... only 8's, 9's, and 10's) but it turns out that the reason she is hesitating is that she feels guilty because her dad thinks she spends too much time in gymnastics.

Now, my husband is a wonderful guy, an involved parent, etc. He knew that the previous (less intensive) gym DD was involved with was not ideal for a lot of reasons, and was (theoretically, at any rate) "on board" with the gym switch. But he still doesn't love that she's there 4 days a week, and loves even less that she'll be there 5 days a week next year. I haven't even told him that the summer schedule looks like it's going to be 23 hours a week (though it's all during the day, so I'll actually get to see her more, whereas my husband works from home).

He puts it this way... "What if I had a job that kept me from getting home until 7:30-8:30 pm every week night? You wouldn't be happy with that!" and he has a point. But our DD is so passionate about the gym and LOVES being there. I never felt like that about anything, except for being a mom. I am thrilled by how strong and confident she has become. She has her sights set on becoming a Level 10, so a less intensive option such as Prep Op would not appeal to her. Is she missing out on some family time when she's in the gym? Sure. But would we all be doing our own thing or watching TV or whatever during much of that time anyway? Probably.

I know that I'm rambling horribly. The bottom line is that I understand my husband's viewpoint (truly, if you had asked me 5 years ago if I'd ever consider allowing my daughter to be involved in ANY activity to this extent, I would have told you "No way!") but I do support my daughter's gymnastics. And I definitely don't think it's good for her to feel guilty about the time she spends at the gym. Suggestions on how to find a family balance and keep things on an even keel? Anyone else have a spouse who is less "on-board" with the whole gymnastics thing?

Thanks in advance!

 

[Iwannabemargo]

can't help you with that but from my persepctive 23 hours is a huge amount ! I undestand she loves it and I know things are different over on your side of the pond but 23 Hours ! My DD would be a 5/6 on your system and she does between 6-8 hours a week !

My hubbie doesn't like the hours we spend at gym - lord knows how he would react to trippling them.

Sorry I can't be more help, I understand your dilema, but I can see his point too

 

[gymmomtoo]

It sounds like you and DH need to have a talk about how important gymnastics is to her--it's apparently not just a fun activity to keep busy, if she loves being there that much. Point out how much she's grown and matured, how much she loves it and how you can value the time the family has together when she's there. She shouldn't feel guilty to want to be there. Was she more of a daddy's girl, so he's missing her?

 

[txgymfan]

I'm not sure what to say to get your hubby on board. It is WONDERFUL to hear that your dd is so very happy in gym and that the new gym is everything you hoped it would be. You may want to point out what else she could or would be doing if not in gym. My dad rarely got home before 7 at night and after dinner then he did paperwork, we did homework and the normal family thing.

Funny story, I was a shy kid and a bookworm (still am). My dad could see my bedroom light from his side of my parents bed and he liked my light out when he went to sleep. I was in high school reading in bed late on a Friday night. After he complained and told me to turn out my light, I pointed out that I was sixteen, it was a Friday night and I was at home, in bed and reading a book. He could deal with that! He laughed and complained less that I read far into the night after that.

 

[JessLW]

I don't think that the hours she's doing are excessive for her level. It looks like she'll most likely be a level 7 next year, and optionals are just more intensive.

Does DH realize that she could potentially get a college scholarship out of gymnastics? Sometimes men can be very results oriented. I don't think a college scholarship is an unrealistic goal for someone your daughter's age, especially given how determined she is.

I do think you need to sit down and talk to your DH and let him know how his attitude is affecting your daughter. She is in the sport so at this point, at least for this season, the commitment has been made, and she doesn't need to feel guilty about making up practices if that's what she wants to do. As long as her grades are not suffering, he should probably tone it down a bit. Keep up the discussion, but not around her, keep it between the two of you.

Do you guys make sure that on the weekends, when she doesn't have gym, you're getting some good quality family time in? Another thing to point out to him will be that as she goes into middle and high school, having her in the gym 5 nights a week will be a good thing. As kids get older, they start branching out anyhow, and it is harder to keep them at home. He'd rather have her in the gym than hanging out at Suzie's house doing who-knows-what, right?

 

[MaryA]

That Suzie! She's such a troublemaker!

I think that, aside from gymnastics, my DD and DH share a lot of interests (science, nature, the outdoors). And, since he's self employed, he's been the "stay at home parent" since the girls were two. So I DO understand that it's hard for him. And yes, we're a close family. I suspect we spend as much or more "quality time" together as your average non-gym family. And I do think you're right that, in a few years, having her out of the house this much will be more normal for her age.

As for a college scholarship, as a 5th grade level 6, she might be pushing it a bit.

I know we need to talk more about it, but I think it's one of those subjects that, whichever one of us brings it up, the other automatically goes on the defensive.

 

[LMV]

You have to love husbands who are involved dads. When I went back to working full time as a physician my husband became a pseudo stay at home dad [he is an attorney so he does some corporate law consulting but he bases what he will take on work wise on what is going on with our kids] and our kids are fortunate to have him. It does sound like you and DH need to take a few deep cleansing breaths and discuss this because as you have said the hours are probably only going to increase. It also sounds like your daughter is picking up on the tension or disappointment from her dad so perhaps after you have come some kind of united parental consensus on all of this she and dad need to discuss it as well.


Our gymnastic child is about a year older than your daughter but actually trains restricted hours so she is only in the gym fifteen hours a week [although your husband might have issue with this too because she does go six days a week but she is home for dinner every night and we eat as a family]. However, our oldest daughter is a very competitive soccer player that goes to tournaments and national team camps and as much as we're thrilled that she is healthy enough to be able to play at this level again we do miss her when she is gone. She is older than your daughter [she recently turned sixteen] so we realize that if she wasn't playing soccer then she very well might be doing some social activity away from home. Actually she does that too but she will sacrifice a night with friends if she hasn't been home much and we'll have a family night. She adores her big brother and both of her little sisters and enjoys spending time with them and with us. Would it help your husband if you picked a certain night that was a family night when there wasn't gymnastics or any outside activities? We don't have a set night because schedules change [and honestly my schedule at the hospital is sometimes the most prone to change] but we do make it a point to make sure we have adequate family time.

I hope this helps! Good luck!

 

[sally]

My husband hated that my dd was doing gymnastics, he wanted her to do less hrs. Anyway when she gave up and asked if she could go back I told her that she needs to talk to her father. She was scared because she knew that he didn't like her doing that many hrs, however she did and now he is fine with it don't ask me why I put it down to being male(haha) but I think he always thought I was making her do it and that is why he didn't like it, but when she went and asked with out me I think he actually saw that she does want to do it.

So maybe if she wants to do it she needs to go and speak with him about it

 

[gymgal]

Wow! I could have written this all the way down to dh being a work at home dad. Dd is 11 and will be a L7 next year. Currently at 16 hrs and going to 20 when she moves up in the summer. Our only saving grace right now is that we homeschool so we have a lot more family time than if she were in school. But dh still thinks that dd doesn't get enough down time. I just keep reminding him of the things she would be doing if she wasn't at gym and as she becomes a teenager we will be grateful that she has a passion that keeps her out of trouble. I also play the scholarship card. And also what gym has done for her. He still doesn't like it but as she gets higher in the levels, I think he is more amazed by what she can do and is beginning to see that she really is talented and we need to give her every opportunity we can to reach yer goal. She doesn't know if she wants to compete in college but I want to make sure she is prepared to do that if she wants to.

 

[maryRS]

My daughter sounds similar to yours. She loves and thrives at gymnastics. She does not practice as much as your daughter, but she would if she could. She does play another sport so that keeps her busy.

My husband used to be less thrilled with gymnastics (funny that was when it was only 2 days!). He thought it was too many hours, and he just didn't really like the sport - found the meets boring, and really just didn't get it. I'd say he did come around by her 2nd year of level 5 and he is one of her biggest supports (although he still finds the meets boring and isn't really the one to do most of the gymnastic stuff). I think somewhere along the line when she was struggling for her kip, broke her leg, lost her kip, was very down and out, and came back fighting he realized just how much good the gymnastics brings out of her. When he hears her talk about it with passion and when he sees her choose a gymnastic related event/meet/practice over just about any other fun thing she could be doing with her friends, I think somewhere along the line he got it.

That doesn't answer your question does it? Well, I do get the whole balance thing, and for us, that is why we are at the Y. But, I think our Y is a big more hours than yours was? And we are super happy with the coaching. Of course she would love to do more hours, but for now this is what it is. She plays another sport and while it keeps us crazy, it helps me with my nagging doubts of putting all into the gymnastic bucket. I do worry that come highschool she may be done with gymnastics and not do anything else. I also do stress a little bit about her possibly not having time for a school sport. Having seen my boys do highschool sports, I think it is such a positive thing and I want that for her, BUT I realize that if she is happy doing gymnastics than that will have to be good enough. It is just different, and I'm coming to grips with it. I also see here girls who quit and jump into another sport and love it, so I need to get over it, and I think I slowly am.

As far as your daughter doing the extra practice, I would let her make the decision. If she is hesitant, even if it is because of guilt, I would just let it go. I think maybe her and her dad will have to come to terms with it in their own way.

 

[gymgal]

Sorry. I forgot to answer the balancing question. We typically do not make up any practices that she misses. But then again, she doesn't miss except for illness, which is rare, and vacations. If she is injured, she still goes to condition. If its during meet season and she had to miss a lot due to illness, I might make up a couple to boost her confidence. But I feel in general that with the amount that she is going, missing a few is ok. I think I was more crazy about it when she went only 1-2 day/wk.

Dh used to comment on how he didn't like dd being in the same sport year round without a break and never trying another sport. But as she gets older, it really is obvious that gymnastics is dd's sport. And SS is now in swimming which is also year round so dh is beginning to change his thought process of "sport seasons"

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[MaryA]

Dh used to comment on how he didn't like dd being in the same sport year round without a break and never trying another sport. But as she gets older, it really is obvious that gymnastics is dd's sport. And SS is now in swimming which is also year round so dh is beginning to change his thought process of "sport seasons"

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Yes, this seems to be an issue for DH too... That there is never an "off season" for gymnastics.

 

[shelovestoflip]

My daughter is a 12 y level 7. She practices 16 hours/4 days a week (there is a 5th day/4 hours but she does not go)

Yes, it is a lot of time and I do sometimes contemplate whether it is 'fair' to her....she leaves the house at 7:40....comes home from school at about 2:45....and I pick her up at 4:15 to get her to practice....where she is until 8:30 (then 15 minute drive home)

But she loves it and rarely says "I don't want to go"...maybe twice a season...and it is only because she is feeling overwhelmed with HW. When that happens, we take a minute to think about a plan and decide if she can go for a bit or if she would feel better staying home. I think that is reasonable and I read her to find out what makes most sense.

She is recently back from an injury. She had a lot of downtime at home (only went to the gym a few hours for conditioning)....she spent time watching TV and hanging out with friends....but was anxious to get back to practice.

So, I guess for now, she is doing what she loves and wants to do.

We spend time together on weekend and eat dinner together on non gym nights.

The school friends that don't spend as much time with an activity seem to 'wander the neighborhood' after school....CVS makeup, candy and magazine aisle, local frozen yogurt shop etc....that's fun once in a while, but really do they need to it every day?!!

Right now, this is her passion. She is able to balance school work and practice, gym friends and school friends.

I am (sort of) able to pay the bill!

When it becomes not fun for her, that's the time to change things up.

But until then, I can't imagine it different for her!

 

[gym law mom]

It is very hard to find that "balance." Can you schedule or set aside non practice nights/days as family time? I do think you and dh need to have a sit down talk about all of this----maybe go for a walk or out to lunch somewhere and hash it out. If one parent isn't onboard with the time committment, the whole family atmosphere can get really tense and nobody will have any fun.

As for the 23 hours/week in the summer---my gymmie has done a similar schedule and while it sounds good because these are daytime only practices, it really sucks up most of the week.

 

[Playgrounders]

It is very hard to find that "balance." Can you schedule or set aside non practice nights/days as family time?

Better yet, perhaps a regular standing daddy-daughter date night? It sounds like your hubby might be feeling a little removed or left out of his daughter's life, or maybe he just craves her company. I totally understand this and sympathize with him. Maybe your husband can take your daughter out to regular weekly or biweekly brunch on Sunday, just him and her? And it also sounds like your gymmie loves her daddy so much that she is at least willing to forego one practice session to honor his wishes. You guys sound like a loving, tight-knit, united family.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this. I'm rooting for yall's success. Navigating the ol' Gym v. Family Time is always so very tricky.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Well, I think finding balance is allowing the gymnast to miss practice every now and then for other things. To me this would mean just letting her miss practice - not just changing the day she practices. I think it gives a nice break for the gymnast and the family to every now and then have an extra day to do something different that they don't normally get. Does that make sense? I hate for her to feel guilty for wanting to go to the gym, kids shouldn't be aware of stuff like that. I firmly believe in keeping them kids as long as I can though LOL. Good luck - finding a balance will differ for everyone.

 

[MaryA]

Better yet, perhaps a regular standing daddy-daughter date night? It sounds like your hubby might be feeling a little removed or left out of his daughter's life, or maybe he just craves her company. I totally understand this and sympathize with him. Maybe your husband can take your daughter out to regular weekly or biweekly brunch on Sunday, just him and her? And it also sounds like your gymmie loves her daddy so much that she is at least willing to forego one practice session to honor his wishes. You guys sound like a loving, tight-knit, united family.

Good luck with however you decide to handle this. I'm rooting for yall's success. Navigating the ol' Gym v. Family Time is always so very tricky.

A standing daddy-daughter date sounds like a great idea!

 

[MaryA]

Well, I think finding balance is allowing the gymnast to miss practice every now and then for other things. To me this would mean just letting her miss practice - not just changing the day she practices. I think it gives a nice break for the gymnast and the family to every now and then have an extra day to do something different that they don't normally get. Does that make sense? I hate for her to feel guilty for wanting to go to the gym, kids shouldn't be aware of stuff like that. I firmly believe in keeping them kids as long as I can though LOL. Good luck - finding a balance will differ for everyone.

Yes, I was fine with her missing practice and not making it up. It was just the guilt that concerned me. Maybe, in the future, I will just tell the coach "no thanks" when she offers to let her make up a lesson rather than leaving it up to my daughter.

 

[mtbmom]

Hi Mary,

I think it is a big adjustment for your family to go from a YMCA program to a USAG program.

As for your husband comparing it to him being out of the house with an activity until 7:30-8:00.... that is absolutely not the same thing. He is a grown up now and he had his chance to be a kid. Think of how things were when we were kids. We were out with our friends playing kick ball, kill the kid with the ball, etc. Some of us did a sport or activity once or twice a week. But our off nights were not spent intently with our immediate family. We were outside, unsupervised playing with our friends.

I would let your husband know that DD is feeling guilty about her gymnastics because she thinks he doesn't want her spending that much time at the gym. Your husband probably has no idea the effect his words are having on your daughter. Explain to DH that this is DD's passion and that being in the gym is the most natural thing in the world to her. Besides, what would you do with all that excess energy if it weren't for the gym burning it all!?!?

Glad your daughter has found a great program that she is thriving at. Dad will come around, he just needs a little time to adjust.

 

[MaryA]

Besides, what would you do with all that excess energy if it weren't for the gym burning it all!?!?

Lordy... who knows? She'd be driving us all bonkers, that's for sure! The other night we were sitting on the couch and she was doing handstands and BWO's through the living room. DH said, "Why don't you stop that and come sit with us and we'll watch TV together." I said, "Yeah, honey... stop all that gosh darned physical activity and get over here, sit on your butt, and watch some TV!" Even DH had to laugh at that one...