WAG How Much to Tell a Parent

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This question is primarily for parents, but I don't have access to the Parent forum so I'm putting it here, though feedback from coaches with similar experiences would also be appreciated. I don't imagine many of you would have had an experience exactly like this, so it's more of a, should you find yourself in this situation, what would you want?

So the situation: A parent speaks with you about symptoms the child has that are indicative of a chronic illness- a condition the coach (in this case, me) was diagnosed with at approximately the same age as the child. Do you want the coach to disclose that info to you privately- not for the purpose of helping to diagnose or offer medical advice- but just to assure that you do indeed understand the child and the symptoms at hand and are 100% on their team? Or would you prefer that coach not bring it up again?

My professional teachings have taught me not to disclose personal details in a professional setting (though I think coaching does fall into a bit of a different category), but at the same time I remember the teacher I had at the time of my diagnosis disclosed he had a sister with the same condition and was a great source of support to our family. It's not a fact I disclose often, not because of shame, but because I don't want it to define who I am.

I'm also a chronic overthinker, so I'm sure the answer to this question seems like a no-brainer to most of you, but I've been stewing about this for a while and decided the parents here would be a good sounding board. I know the details are vague, but this is the internet.
 
Personally, I think it would help put me at ease to know someone spending a significant amount of time with my child really understood the situation.

On the other hand, you have to consider the possibility of it being discussed with other parents. I would like to think that would not be the case but you just never know.
 
Providing a parent a greater sense of understanding and comfort by sharing details of something you are personally familiar with will likely be of huge benefit to them. At the same time, you should not be under an obligation to identify yourself as the person "afflicted." A "white lie" (ie: fictional teammate, extended family member) seems perfectly reasonable under the circumstances.
 
I would appreciate that you trusted me enough to share your diagnosis with me.

It would be wonderful to know that when she was working with you that you would understand what she is going through and be able to better work with her. Empathy from a place of real understanding is a big deal.

Yes, it is a professional setting, but I don't think sharing personal details would be inappropriate in this instance. As the parent/customer, I would also respect that it IS your personal, medical information and wouldn't share with anyone else (except, perhaps, my husband), including my daughter unless you had given me permission to.
 
I'm torn. As a parent, I would be extremely appreciative of your trust. To know that you understood implicitly what she was going through and what her possible limitations (if there were any) and just the mental ups and downs thy she was going through would be invaluable. ----on the other hand, you must look at your interests as well. Even though they would not mean to, the parents will eventually let it slip...maybe by expressing to someone how grateful they are for your sharing, maybe by telling their dd thy she is not alone......in a well meaning way, no matter, it will slip out.
If you truly afraid that others will then define you by this information you'll have weigh the risk with the immense good accomplished by sharing. Maybe what an above poster suggested would be reasonable if you feel the risk to great (the invented relative or friend). Only problem with that is that you'd have to stick with that little white lie and not share the truth later.
 
As a parent I would appreciate you sharing this would me, and comfort that you would better understand my child. However on the hand to you personally it imposes the risk that it may be shared with others. I think you cannot then ask the parent not to disclose to others, because that may impose a sense of shame inadvertently. But it is generous of you to want to offer your experiences. I hope it works out. Good luck!
 
I don't know if it's a condition like diabetes, that could be life threatening if symptoms were not recognized but I think you could even say to the parent (without outing yourself) "we've had someone here at the gym with that for a while so the staff has been informed at what to look for etc'...you could even identify yourself as "I'm the overthinker in the group so I tend to be the go to person on it as well" ...I think it would give the parent a measure of comfort without exposing you to idle gossip in the gym.
 
If you are comfortable letting go of that bit of your privacy, I would recommend that you share.

My daughter has severe ADD - not a life-threathening condition by any means, but it is severe enough that it is a disability that impacts her ability to function at home, school and gym. It so happens that her first coach in the gym also has this (and also, in terms of severity, also well beyond what's typical); it has been really helpful to have her perspective - DD really looks up to her and they "get" each other on a different level. When DD is having tough days, she is bolstered by the idea that coach believes in her. She and I discuss medication and behavioral techniques as they pertain to DD's performance in the gym, and she has shared some of her challenges with me which helps me know what to look for (med side effects, etc) and I feel good knowing she's got an eye out for DD.

We keep the relationship "in the gym" - we only text about scheduling privates and such, and we don't share personal lives beyond this; I don't share what she's told me with anyone else, but I know that she does not hide her condition so it would not be horrible if anyone found out. I am very open as well about DD's condition and my own less severe challenges because I feel strongly that illness including mental disorders should be destigmatized, and my little part in that is living it in public and showing that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I respect anyone's choice otherwise, though, and I think you just need to decide how private you want to be. Because the other posters are right - there is a good chance it will become known.
 
I would start with "Thank you for sharing this information about your child--it will help me to coach her better." If the parents are sharing symptoms and not diagnosis, I would ask flat-out, "Do you have a formal diagnosis? If so, are there particular strategies you are using on the recommendation of your child's health care team? This information will help me to keep my approach consistent with the approach that's being used at home and at school." If the parents share the diagnosis and strategies, I would say something like "I would like you to know that I have personal experience with kids with this diagnosis, so I am 100% supportive of your child and your family." As a parent, that would be enough for me.

As an aside, I used to work as a tutor and it was incredibly problematic when kids had diagnoses such as ADHD or learning disabilities but the parents refused to share complete information, and when the parents stuck their heads in the sand and refused to get the kids diagnosed and treated. I was not a licensed teacher and had no formal training in how to work with these kids, so all I had to go on was what the parents told me. If the parents were honest and up-front and gave concrete suggestions for managing the child's behavior and maintaining his focus, I was able to work with the kid much more effectively. So I would do whatever you can to encourage the parents to be forthcoming with as much information as possible.
 
My daughter has a medical condition which will eventually be fatal. Her coach has the same condition. Her coach told me this as soon as she knew DD had it, which was maybe 4 years ago?

I love, love, love knowing that DD's coach knows what DD is going through. She has been an invaluable resource for both DD and I. DD emails her all the time, asking questions that she is not comfortable talking about with other kids. I have emailed her asking questions about various therapies, since she has way more knowledge than I do, just having lived through everything herself. When DD is unable to participate in gym, her coach handles it for her. DD is not very willing to share with most people what is going on. When she can only condition she just tells the other coaches and kids XXXX told me to just condition. While I am sure the other coaches know why (they do know DD's diagnosis) DD lives in her happy place that they don't.

I don't think a lot of people know that the coach shares my DD's disease. Only because all of her friends parents know that DD has it since they have to give her meds when she is with them and none of them have ever said oh X has that as well. I slipped once and said something to by friend at gym when the girls went to camp together, but she ahs kept it quiet. I think for the same reasons you mention about not letting it define you. My DD is a kid who happens to have X, not a X kid. I believe her coach feels the same way, so you will risk other parents finding out. I had the best intentions but messed up. I also know that YDD, who does not have the same condition but knows their coach does, has let it slip once or twice

I will say it is hard for DD (and me :)) to know that he coach is nearing the higher end of the life expectancy. That is something DD has said once to me, and has never mentioned again. Her coach just turned 30, and DD remarked I wish she never had any more birthdays since she is getting close to the 33 years life expectancy.

DD has also been accused of being this coaches favorite, since they will talk a lot after gym, and when DD has had a rough appointment her coach will give her a few extra hugs. It is hard for me as a parent to ignore what some of the other parents say, since they do not have all the back ground knowledge. One of the other coaches has also made comments to DD about her being X's favorite, but DD was able to just smile and walk away.

But overall, yes, I am beyond grateful that DD's coach shared with me that she and DD had the same disease. It has been so very, very wonderful to see the bond that my DD has with this coach, and know that there is someone who gets what DD is going through and help guide her through all the crap that goes along with it.
 
My daughter has some health conditions that I share with teachers, etc. - anyone she has a longer-term relationship with. (She isn't the gymmie, so no long-term coaching relationship at this time.) There have been times when teachers have been able to say "Oh, my sister has that," or similar things, and it helps reassure me that they at least have some knowledge of the problem and how to cope with it. I have made sure to respect their privacy in not having it go any further than me or my husband.

Obviously, you need to realize that yes, it is possible the parent will share your information with someone else. But - depending on what exactly the health issue is - sometimes that can be a good thing in moving forward to removing misunderstandings or stigma. And as the parent, I think it would be lovely of you to share, and I would be really touched.
 
As a parent with a child with a chronic condition that is often under estimated, I would highly appreciate it if you disclose that information with me. My daughter has asthma and we have had several very scary incidences, and I really do have a hard time with anxiety leaving her at places such as daycare where I cannot be there to monitor her, Because I feel like the teachers often underestimate her symptoms. So when her teacher disclosed to me that her daughter had severe asthma at her age, my anxiety improved significantly and the amount the trust I had for that teacher increased. And to be honest...it was really nice to know there was someone else who could relate..
 
Whilst I would appreciate the support, I would feel the same support if you were to say something along the lines of "I have family experience of X" and understand the symptoms/adjustments needed. That way your privacy is respected and support is given.
 
Thanks for all of the great feedback, I really appreciate all of your thoughts and wisdom. The condition at hand is not one that is life threatening or likely to require medical care in the gym setting, but it is one that is often underestimated as to how far reaching the implications are, and often times teachers/coaches (even well meaning ones) will cause more problems than solutions in their efforts to deal with it. I know this from the constant battles my parents had with coaches and teachers.
It's not something I'm ashamed of or embarrassed by, it's just who I am, I just choose not to make a big deal of it- though I don't like to draw attention to myself in any aspect of life anyway. So I'm less concerned about my personal feelings or privacy than I am about doing what would be best received and most helpful for the child.
 
Maybe I have been around the employment lawyers too much. I would not reveal a past condition because it "may" or "could" be used against you. It may seem unlikely, but you never know. I think referring to your knowledge of the condition, as if you either knew someone or were told about it is safer for you. It isn't about your privacy, per se, it is about the possibility of a moment of someone doubting you that they pull in your condition. Just my 2 cents.
 
Like pretty much everyone else has said, if you don't mind the potential loss of privacy (because if you tell one parent and child, it is quite possible that all the parents and children find out), I think sharing is a good thing. Especially if it an uncommon diagnosis, the child may really appreciate knowing that someone they respect and admire had overcome the same thing. It also helps normalize whatever it is.
 
I will always be grateful to my DD's 3K teacher who not only helped us navigate the special needs 'system' to get my DD get the help she needed, but advocated for her, and shared with me that her son had many of the same issues.

It was a tremendous comfort, and almost nine years later, we're still friends.

That said, if you share, be aware that the family may be also be inclined to share it... You need to be 100% comfortable with that.
 
My ds has a life threatening chronic illness that was diagnosed two years ago. In fact, his old coach dropped him because of it. What a relief to find at his new gym one of the coaches has the same illness. They totally get him and his treatments. It's been wonderful! Why be ashamed? I think my kid is a hero...He perseveres despite his supposed limitations. Don't be afraid to share. It's a learning experience for all.
 

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