I don't know how to help my daughter's nerves

[newsgirl2]

HI, I have posted before about this struggle but each meet this season has gotten progressively worse. My DD is 8 and this is her first season to compete. She had some sort of mental block coming off of CHristmas break and went from doing level 6 tumbling skills to barely being able to do level 4. Some days she can do a backhand spring others she can't. She has no consistency anymore. Originally, the problem was just with tumbling but now it has spread to trampoline and double mini. She just gets so nervous that she literally can't complete passes in competition. She'll do a roundoff and stop. Or on double mini, she'll jump on the tramp and then just jump off without completing any skills. At practice, she can do her passes beautifully. In competition, she's so nervous she can't do them. Another issue is she seems to be afraid of one of her coaches. If she has this particular coach at practice (who is pretty hard nosed and old school and sometimes yells at the kids and makes them do conditioning exercises when they're not performing up to par) she completely flakes out at practice, too. If she has a coach she likes, she does OK. But when she has a bad day at practice, it takes her days to recover and get back to where she was. So it's constantly one step forward, two steps back. She fears one of the coaches, but I believe it's because she is very thin skinned and very very sensitive. This is a kid who would throw up before a field trip at school because she's so nervous. So I'm not necessarily criticizing that coach--who is very successful and experienced, by the way. It's just so frustrating because they say she has real talent. And obviously we know she is capable of doing much bigger things than she is currently doing because she has done them in the past.

I also think that while nerves are a problem, she is VERY negative. She constantly says she can't do something. Or, for example, at the last meet, before her comp time, she was saying how she didn't like the double mini trampoline they had at the meet. She said it wasn't as "bouncy" as what she's used to so she wouldn't be able to do well. I pointed out that I had been watching all morning and the majority of those who I had seen comepete on it had stuck their landings. It appeared to me that they were all doing really well on this particular tramp. But she wouldn't hear it. She went into that competition with it in her head that she couldn't do well because she didn't like that trampoline. I think she sabotaged herself. I don't think she purposefully went out and intended to do poorly. But I think her attitude played a HUGE role in psyching herself out of doing well.

We dropped her down a few levels on tramp and tumbling for this last competition to take some pressure off and this was probably her worst meet yet. She can now only qualify for JO on double mini. She wants us to take her out of tramp and tumbling for the regional meet so she can just focus on double mini since it's her only opportunity to qualify. Should I let her do that? Would that be a bad thing to do?

What do I do about her being scared of a coach? Is this normal? Is this coach's style bad or wrong? She is scared of this coach, yet I've seen her take advantage of "nicer" coaches at the gym.

Am I doing enough to support my child? I don't feel like I pressure her. I just want her to be successful because she says this is what SHE wants. And I believe she does. She cried for hours after the last meet and i just felt so bad for her and so disappointed for her. But I do not know how to help her.

I should also say that while I know it's taboo to gym hop, we don't really have any other gyms in our community, so we couldn't if we wanted to.

Please help. I'm just at my wits end. Thanks in advance!

 

[Amber]

My DD,8, while not losing skills, did go through the fear of a coach and also major fear of vault/beam the night before competitions. For the coach issue, I had took every opportunity to talk to this coach in the lobby with DD. I made sure the talks were upbeat, often not about gymnastics. Then, in the car, I would say, "see? Coach is nice...coach just wants you to do well, even if you're told to do something in a unfriendly manner". Some kids only picture coaches yelling in the gym, and when they see them in a friendly way outside of gym, it takes some of the fear away.
For the fear of the event in a competition, I spoke to a coach, and the coach pulled her aside before she went during the competition, and they talked through the routine verbally...piece by piece, and she practiced some of the moves at the side (like arm swings for vault, or arabesque for beam). Visualization can also help. Another trick is to videotape some of her good T and T practices and show it to her right before meets. Also mention that everyone watching is a parent, and they are looking at their own kids and their own teams, not your DD (if she's nervous about people watching her).
My DD eventually go over it...age helps too. Good luck!

 

[CoachGoofy]

I have an approach to fear that's...slow but steady: if I put pressure on a kid who is already the sort to put pressure on herself, it just turns it into a bigger deal than it is & it becomes a big mountain of fear where there was a grain. It takes longer to overcome fear, on the surface level, but I find that giving them ownership of the skill and the pressure to do it means once they're done being afraid of it, they're done being afraid of it. And then it is a fear of skill, not a fear of me, which works in our program--it's like I get to be on their side against the skill-demon, instead of being another thing to fear? If that makes sense? (Another coach in our program is much pushier than I, so we do get to figure out which kids need which approach).

Lots of kids are afraid of a coach. I don't know the coach so I don't know if they're a scary person, or if the fear of the skills is transferring over to the coach (see: why I am not pushy, above). It's...normal ish?

And the video thing, yeah. Do it. We have a fearful kid, scared to death of the first skill in her routine, & we take a video of her doing it with us to meets so she can see she has done it. She KNOWS that but seeing it? is believing it.

I personally wouldn't go to nationals for *an* event, but that's just me. Is the pressure of qualifying to nationals getting to her?

 

[Iwannabemargo]

DD went to her first comp last week "up a level". All the way there she was physically shaking in the car, telling me she wasn't going to do well, that her coach told her she would fail (rubbish), that their springboard is not bouncy enough, that their floor is too bouncy, their vault has two legs and a chain, not a pedistal like ours, their bars have had too much water and are really rough ( they are to be fair).

I said what I always say

"Do your best, have fun. I don't care if you come 1st or 100th, just do your best and I shall be happy"

So we get there, she has her spray of Bach Flowers and off she trots.

Its taken us a while to get there but with re-assurance and the herbal spray she feels better.

(by the way she got second )

Just keep reassuring her. I'm not a beleiver in homeopathy and all that voodo but it works for her. We call it her special spray and it keeps a lid on the nerves.