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MuggleMom

Proud Parent
To start DD is 7 and level 3

So I have had some concerns about the path DD is on so I have had several talks with people at the gym very recently to help make sure we are all on the same page.

Also the past week or two DD has been hesitant to go to gym. After talking with her she says she thinks Coach X is "mean" When I ask mean is she can't explain its more the "way" she says things maybe yelling or just giving corrections in a way DD thinks isn't nice. Now DD is a VERY sensitive soul. I don't think the coach is being really mean she just may not be warm and fuzzy all the time. But this is also the coach a lot of people have issues with right now. She's young can play favorites and isn't as hands on as people would like.

This brings me to my issue DD would like me to talk to the coach. This is not what I would like to do but with DD personality and age this is not something she can do for herself right now and if me saying I will talk to the coach will make her happy to go to gym again that's what I will do.

My concern is that this could turn the coach against her?!? Is it alright to let a coach know that DD is sensitive and has gotten her feelings hurt and can she keep that in mind when giving corrections as it would help her as she works on developing a thicker skin? Is there a good way to put this?!?!? I am now stressing about this

Having just had some chats with the gym I don't want to come across as crazy ugg.
 
I wouldn't approach the coach. Unless it's something serious with the coach I teach my DD to be an advocate for herself. My DD is 8. If she thinks the coach is being "mean" then she needs to speak with the coach. If you really want to talk to the coach I would approach the coach with how your DD is doing to see if the coach will offer some insight. It's not worth it in the long run. You have to choose your battles.
 
Can you hear what is going on in the gym? Do you actually know how mean she is?

My dd's teacher at school this past year has a reputation of being mean. Dd is also a sensitive soul and told me that she thinks the teacher is okay because she's only mean to the kids who are bad and deserve it. My older child did not have this teacher but told me that the teacher yells a lot at kids who are not doing the right thing. I've met her at conferences and she seemed fine.

I volunteered in the classroom one day at the end of the school year. I went about 10 minutes early to set up what I was doing with the class and the teacher was going over a test with the class. It was the first time I observed her with the kids. She was not just mean - she was rude, condescending, disdainful, disrespectful to all the kids. She wasn't even yelling but just really seemed to have disgust for the kids. And that was with me in the room! I was pretty darn horrified. Had it been not at the very end of the year, I probably would have asked to have my dd switched into another class. I have no idea whether this was not her usual behavior (maybe she was having a particularly bad day, or maybe it was the end of the year), but my gut feeling is that this was not out of the norm for her. None of the kids seemed to be surprised by it. My dd felt that since it wasn't directed at her specifically, she was okay with it. And she knew it wasn't directed at her because she got a 100% on the test the teacher was going over - but both the kids sitting next to her failed with scores of much less than 50%.

Young kids can't always explain the difference between mean - raises her voice - and mean - treats me worse than a dead bug on the floor.

It helps to know what kind of mean you are dealing with. I'd definitely intervene on behalf of my kid for the second type of mean.

If it's not that type of mean, then I'd ask your dd what she wants you to say to the coach and how she thinks the coach will respond. That would help me gauge what her concerns are and how realistic her expectations were. If she says, "Mommy, I want you tell the coach to be nicer to me," and she says, "Of course the coach will listen to you because you're a grown up but she won't listen to me because I'm a kid," then you probably need to talk to her a lot more before considering talking to the coach.
 
If you don't already, maybe offer to stay and watch. I have two who are sensitive in their own ways. When they are struggling with an authority figure or teammate they always seem to feel better if I'm there to keep an eye on things. Most of the time I don't end up needing to say anything to anyone. If anything I might end up encouraging my kid to discuss something that bothers them with whoever is bothering them. But I think knowing that I'm on their side keeps the line of communication open if ever there is something truly dangerous going on...they know I will listen and investigate and help them keep themselves safe and happy. As a pleasant aside, it also gives me a reason to watch, remind them how much I enjoy watching them do something that makes them happy, and how proud I am of their hard work (and it isn't a competition and nothing I have to say has anything to do with results).
 
Teaching your child to advocate for themselves is great, but not all 7-yr olds can do that. I guarantee that my daughter couldn't have done that at 7. I think it's a good idea to observe and see what's happening so you can help her navigate the situation. Maybe help her to focus on the words/correction, not the tone?
 
If the coach isn't actually being mean then nothing should be said!

I'm going to stick my neck out and I'm sure that most will disagree with me but this is actually a great life lesson! As she continues through school and gym, she will have many different teachers/coaches. All of those people are going to have different teaching styles. Not everything can be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Sometimes, people might come across "mean" but are actually not! And often, those coaches that might be a little more strict are those that will push your dd to be the best that she can be. Growing pains hurt!

You mentioned that you don't think this coach is actually being mean, possibly just their tone. Tell your dd that. Explain that she will have many different coaches/teachers in life, and her job is to go and be her best everyday.

Now, if this coach is being mean, then that is a different story. I would offer a completely different suggestion if that was the case!

As a parent of an upper level optional, the gymnastic world is a tough world. Our sweet gymnasts take more corrections/critiques on a daily basis than most adults do that are out in the work force. I am in constant awe of their tenacity and perseverance! I know I didn't have it at 13, probably couldn't take it at 40.

So, before you jump on the advocacy train, step back, reevaluate whether this is a strict coach or a mean coach, and allow this to be a life lesson for your daughter.

Now, let the villagers light their torches and come for my head!
 
Recognizing I am a blunt person, I agree with ascarter1. I would try to stick around a bit to rule out if their are serious issues but overall........

There is a point where the time at gym goes from huggy fun fun preschool type practice........
To getting serious, we have work to do practice.....

We have serious coaches one could be classifed as cranky. They don't do huggy stuff. And have been to known to have moments of perhaps not nice. However, those are moments, not the norm. But serious is the norm. The kids at our gym get them. Not all the time. Once this season, my kid actually cried after a meet. Team didn't have a good day and she was upset because Coach was going to be "mad". Coach was mad. Daughter and I had a conversation about emotions. They come and go. Coach would get over it. You all would work harder and everyone will move on. They did.

And there have been parents and kids who don't care for or deal well with their style, those families, move elsewhere.
 
I have had to work through the meaning of "mean" with DD and help her define "mean" step by step. Is coach REALLY mean, or is he/she forceful, have high expectations, a little loud, etc. Most times, coach is not "mean," but DD does not want to disappoint him/her. DD is also on the sensitive side, and sometimes misreads the emotions or meaning of others as being harsher than intended.
 
To start DD is 7 and level 3

So I have had some concerns about the path DD is on so I have had several talks with people at the gym very recently to help make sure we are all on the same page.

Also the past week or two DD has been hesitant to go to gym. After talking with her she says she thinks Coach X is "mean" When I ask mean is she can't explain its more the "way" she says things maybe yelling or just giving corrections in a way DD thinks isn't nice. Now DD is a VERY sensitive soul. I don't think the coach is being really mean she just may not be warm and fuzzy all the time. But this is also the coach a lot of people have issues with right now. She's young can play favorites and isn't as hands on as people would like.

This brings me to my issue DD would like me to talk to the coach. This is not what I would like to do but with DD personality and age this is not something she can do for herself right now and if me saying I will talk to the coach will make her happy to go to gym again that's what I will do.

My concern is that this could turn the coach against her?!? Is it alright to let a coach know that DD is sensitive and has gotten her feelings hurt and can she keep that in mind when giving corrections as it would help her as she works on developing a thicker skin? Is there a good way to put this?!?!? I am now stressing about this

Having just had some chats with the gym I don't want to come across as crazy ugg.
Why not have your DD talk to the coach ? Bring her a little drawing or something to start a conversation.
 
I have had to work through the meaning of "mean" with DD and help her define "mean" step by step. Is coach REALLY mean, or is he/she forceful, have high expectations, a little loud, etc. Most times, coach is not "mean," but DD does not want to disappoint him/her. DD is also on the sensitive side, and sometimes misreads the emotions or meaning of others as being harsher than intended.
This too
 
If the coach isn't actually being mean then nothing should be said!

I'm going to stick my neck out and I'm sure that most will disagree with me but this is actually a great life lesson! As she continues through school and gym, she will have many different teachers/coaches. All of those people are going to have different teaching styles. Not everything can be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Sometimes, people might come across "mean" but are actually not! And often, those coaches that might be a little more strict are those that will push your dd to be the best that she can be. Growing pains hurt!

You mentioned that you don't think this coach is actually being mean, possibly just their tone. Tell your dd that. Explain that she will have many different coaches/teachers in life, and her job is to go and be her best everyday.

Now, if this coach is being mean, then that is a different story. I would offer a completely different suggestion if that was the case!

As a parent of an upper level optional, the gymnastic world is a tough world. Our sweet gymnasts take more corrections/critiques on a daily basis than most adults do that are out in the work force. I am in constant awe of their tenacity and perseverance! I know I didn't have it at 13, probably couldn't take it at 40.

So, before you jump on the advocacy train, step back, reevaluate whether this is a strict coach or a mean coach, and allow this to be a life lesson for your daughter.

Now, let the villagers light their torches and come for my head!
You saved me a lot of time because I was going to say the same thing. We also have a top level optional and one of the most important things they have to have to get there is a tough skin!!
 
The examples of "mean" I have gotten from DD don't seem mean to me it's more like she doesn't deliver corrections in a positive way and can probably be a bit snarky at times. DD is a people pleaser and rule follower I think the way this coach corrects makes her feel like she is in trouble or letting her down or something. It's also usually related to something DD is already frustrated with or self conscious about so it amplifies.

I have on occasion heard things this coach said to other gymnasts that were mean so I don't want to totally discount my daughters feelings on this either but none of the examples of how she has treated my daughter have concerned me.

I would love to have her talk to the coach but in I know how much anxiety this would cause her and she can work herself up to the point where she will quit before she confronts her and that is what I am trying to avoid. she doesn't mind talking with the coach about it after but she wants me to start the discussion.

I am thinking about approaching it's as DD is very sensitive and has in the past gotten her feelings hurt when getting corrections and what not. We are working on developing a thicker skin but in the mean time I just wanted to stress that she responds better to positive reinforcement and if it's been a rough practice for the team she may need a hug or a good job at the end of practice. I don't want to accuse the coach or tell her to treat my kid special but help her as she goes through some life lesson growing pains right now.

Also DD gets very anxious about changes this happened with big coaching changes last year and all the work groups are about to change. The girls DD is closest with right now (there are 4) will be in different groups and this makes her sad she just wants to be with her friends. I think this is making her look at things more negatively in general as well.

I am just not a sensitive soul kinda person so sometimes I feel like I am not supporting her and helping her as much as I could too which is hard for me. I don't want to dismiss her feelings and I want to help her manage her feelings but I don't always know how.
 
I agree with at least starting with observing to see exactly what "mean" is.
My daughter used to have an amazing coach. She had her for years and they had a wonderful relationship- even though she hasn't been her coach for a year, we still keep in touch, her coach checks in on her from time to time, etc. She clearly cared about all of the girls, she pushed them hard and if they got praise they knew she meant it. Sometimes practice would end with my daughter in tears (she's just a crier when she's nervous) but this coach would always give me a heads up on those occasions as to what had happened and would always push communication from DD to work through it (ie "If your scared, tell me, and we'll back it up, but I don't know what crying means. Are you scared?"). When this coach left, most of the girls and parents were really upset.
But.
One girl in their group and her parents were actually pretty happy. They didn't really like the coach too much and thought she was "mean." She had a dry sense of humor and pushed and pushed and this particular family wasn't fond of being tough with the girls as much as some of the other parents were. They were admittedly more interested in having someone who they thought of as "nice" that maybe didn't get as much out of the kids.
My point is, this coach didn't have a mean bone in her body but her behavior was clearly perceived differently by different children AND by different parents.
SO. I think it's important to try to get a glimpse as to what is actually happening vs what a 7 year old says, and then move forward in addressing it if necessary. :)
 
This is a tough call. I do think coaches forget the difference between a younger child and an older child. As well as, that differing personalities will hear the same words differently. That being said, gymnastics involves corrections and some kids do take corrections as the CIA h being mean even when it was not said in a mean way. Ds has a 7 yo teammate who shuts down when he receives a correction. Thus is not going to work long-term as the coaches need to make corrections.

I will say that there may be a way to approach the coach about your dd. She is hard on herself and has issues with anxiety. Teaching the coach about her could be helpful BUT I would not suggest the coach only give positive feedback. That really is not possible in this sport.
 
I agree with what sce and ascarter1 have said.
You need to work out is it truly a mean coach who likes to humiliate or is it just a strict coach.
My dd when about 7/8 came home from gym upset because her coach had been shouting and being mean to her.
I asked her to explain what had happened and established she hadn't shouted but had used a stern voice.
I asked her did she think her coach was doing that to be mean or doing that because she was frustrated and wanted my dd to improve and remember corrections that had already been given.

After that conversation she saw the situation in a different light and takes corrections for what they are and not as personal insults to humiliate but realises in this sport there will always be corrections and never will everything be 100% perfect.

It's a tough sport, I couldn't do it go out there and compete and know someone is watching out for every mistake I make and that's why coaches need to make all the corrections.
 
I am all for tough skin and life lessons...but I still recommend you observe. When my DS was about 8 he complained of a "mean" assistant coach. I presumed that the "mean" coach was simply playing favorites (he had a son on the team). I suggested my son talk to the coach but he was "too scared." When I spent time specifically watching him coach I found that his "coaching" and "spotting" amounted to slapping my kid on the stomach so hard while on the rings that he had red handprints on his skin! My kid said he was "mean" and he was right! It turned out that this guy was definitely not abiding by "handshakes and high fives" and wound up being asked to leave. So while you can and should teach your kids to advocate for themselves, I think it's also our duty as parents to be sure that what we are asking of our kids is appropriate.
 
The examples of "mean" I have gotten from DD don't seem mean to me it's more like she doesn't deliver corrections in a positive way and can probably be a bit snarky at times. DD is a people pleaser and rule follower I think the way this coach corrects makes her feel like she is in trouble or letting her down or something. It's also usually related to something DD is already frustrated with or self conscious about so it amplifies.

....

I am just not a sensitive soul kinda person so sometimes I feel like I am not supporting her and helping her as much as I could too which is hard for me. I don't want to dismiss her feelings and I want to help her manage her feelings but I don't always know how.

I can relate to both it these statements. My daughter is also very sensitive and shuts down when she is called out on something that may already be frustrating her. I feel like I too am learning the ropes on how to help her develop tough skin without her feeling like I don't support her since I'm not as sensitive.

I'm sure things will work out either way in time. Let us know what you end up deciding!
 
We experienced a similar situation this year except my daughter didn't say her coach was mean. She said she had favorites and that she didn't believe in her. Talk about crushing your child's spirit! Mama bear wanted to come out but I used it as a life lesson that life is not always fair and sometimes you are right coaches do have favorites. The favorites also happen to be the ones who get private lessons from her every weekend. I don't at all mind a strict coach who pushes the girls to their limit but I do have a problem with my daughter feeling like her coach doesn't believe in her or like her. The head coach brushed it off like it was nothing and I left it alone. However I learned months down the road that a girl quit over this coach and many other parents were unhappy with her as well.
 

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