Parents I wish the girls were nicer

[blueberrygym]

I've read some really good old threads on "mean girls". Wanted to post my experience so that I can rationalize what I'm seeing. My DD is 8 and just moved to a new gym. Gym is pretty competitive with strong results at all levels, with most girls gunning for elite path or college scholarships. The culture is very different from our old gym which was very family oriented and fun.

I moved her for better training at a young age in case she ever wants to do optionals. New gym has a path from xcel to optionals if a gymnast shows potential. Anyway, she is training xcel Gold and has been placed with an advanced group. Problem is she is with 11-14 year old girls. My DD is sad because she knows she will not make any new friends given the age gap.

Even worse, the girls haven't embraced her. On day 1, I introduced her to the group in the lobby and they barely said hi or acknowledged her. I've seen them jump ahead of her and take her turn while training. I also overheard a girl say something very mean to her after practice (but didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause drama). I get that she's the newbie and I will give it time. But these girls are night and day compared to the girls at her old gym who adopted her on day 1 as the little sister. It's just shocking to me and something I didn't expect at all. For those with kids at competitive gyms, is this normal? Will it get better?

 

[bookworm]

My girls were always in competitive gyms and my oldest was always the youngest in her training group by several years...and I worried about this initially but she made friends ...and ironically, her best friend is one of those girls who was 4 years older than her when she arrived as an 8 yo....they just clicked and are great friends to this day. I always thought of my older daughter as an "old soul" so maybe that made it easier for her to connect with the older group. They really were a great group , including her in everything, so maybe we were lucky.

I'd give it a little time and see if she gels with someone...it's funny that my daughter didn't really have friends her age in the gym until she was going into high school and her BF was heading off to college...so don't let the age thing scare you, it can work out.

 

[gymnastmom05]

I would give it more time. I know my daughter has gone from not liking certain girls when they've joined her group to them becoming her closest friends by the end of the season. All kids (even adults) are different as far as how close they are to people. I know people that meet you once and hug and confess their "love" for you after that one encounter...others (like myself) tend to take their time getting to know people. With that said, no one should be mean. Maybe some of the cutting in line is a learning curve, is she taking too much time to "go" when it's her turn. Hopefully coaches are watching and will put a stop to whatever is going on during training. Age groups at this time are hard to navigate. My DD is 11 and her group ranges from 11-16. There is a huge difference between what is going on in all aspects of their lives at this time - from social life, their bodies, school, etc. They do all hang out occasionally as a group outside of gym and I'm comfortable with that.

 

[FlippinPrincess]

Sorry she isn't feeling at home yet. I would give it more time. I'm not at a competitive gym but I do have an 11 1/2 year old. They just embrace/make friends differently at that age. As kids get older personality comes into play with friendships more and more. The girls probably just need more time to get to know your daughter personally and as a gymnast/teammate.

I think changing from a small, family oriented gym to a large competitive one will be a big adjustment for you both and will probably take a few months before you start to feel at home with everyone. Good luck to you!

 

[Gymmommy71]

Being the youngest in your group because that's who you fit with skills-wise is a cross to bear socially. It gets better with time as everyone progresses - IMO, ultimately everyone ends up in a very similar place come the high school years provided they don't quit.

Things really don't go higher than L10, and many gyms train their 9's and 10's together.

 

[Taxidriver]

My dd is at a high performance club and I know they get a lot of children coming and not sticking at it (might stay for a few months but the expectations are much higher with perfecting the basics so lots of girls don't stick with it if it's a big change from their last club) as a result my dd doesn't put much effort into making friendships with new girls until she knows they are sticking around.
That being said they don't tend to have the age gap issues as are roughly similar in age groups for training.
But one thing for sure is that they are not mean to new girls. That would bother me but I would give it a bit of time as every time some one new joins it does change the dynamics of the group.

 

[Flyaway]

I would give it more time. I know my daughter has gone from not liking certain girls when they've joined her group to them becoming her closest friends by the end of the season. All kids (even adults) are different as far as how close they are to people. I know people that meet you once and hug and confess their "love" for you after that one encounter...others (like myself) tend to take their time getting to know people. With that said, no one should be mean. Maybe some of the cutting in line is a learning curve, is she taking too much time to "go" when it's her turn. Hopefully coaches are watching and will put a stop to whatever is going on during training. Age groups at this time are hard to navigate. My DD is 11 and her group ranges from 11-16. There is a huge difference between what is going on in all aspects of their lives at this time - from social life, their bodies, school, etc. They do all hang out occasionally as a group outside of gym and I'm comfortable with that.

I am definitely one of those "take time to get to know people", and my gymmie is too. We are slow to warm up, but loyal once we do. I agree that no one should be mean, but with that exception, I would expect it to take time. Moving gyms is just hard. Even if it's a good thing. Culture shifts can be difficult to navigate, even for the most seasoned adult, let alone a child. Then you add in different personalities, different expectations, different environment... it's a huge deal! I wish for your dd's sake that the girls in her group were more accepting right from the start, but she can't really control them. She'll have to learn to make the best of it. It's possible they feel a bit threatened by the new, younger girl in their training group. I would watch for warning signs that indicate that their behavior is outside the realm of "normal" or "acceptable". Certainly bullying isn't ok. But you may need to prepare your dd for the reality that she might not ever fully gel with this group for whatever reason. That doesn't mean that her experience at gym has to be a bad one. Training groups come and go. This situation is probably not forever.

 

[blueberrygym]

Thanks everyone! I agree. This is an adjustment for both me and my daughter. And like others said, it will take time. I can accept that with the hope that the girls will come around in time even though they are not friendly now (which she has noticed). It's hard for me to understand the mindset of a middle school/high school girl. Plus, my daughter is a social butterfly with a very spirited personality. She is used to hugging EVERYONE (even a nice server in a restaurant).

She is a trooper and although she has been crying a bit in practice because she's still learning their system, she is pushing through. She asked me to stay at practice the first couple of weeks until she feels more comfortable with everything, but maybe I need to cut the cord sooner and let everything evolve naturally.

 

[blueberrygym]

I would watch for warning signs that indicate that their behavior is outside the realm of "normal" or "acceptable". Certainly bullying isn't ok. But you may need to prepare your dd for the reality that she might not ever fully gel with this group for whatever reason. That doesn't mean that her experience at gym has to be a bad one. Training groups come and go. This situation is probably not forever.

Great advice! I will keep an eye out to make sure that no one is crossing boundaries. That will be a deal breaker for me. And good point about training groups coming and going. I hadn't thought about that. There is another group of girls in her level that are in the 9-10 year old range which would be a better fit age wise.

 

[my4buffaloes]

At our first gym the girls were really mean. I had to talk to my dd at age 6 about whether she was there to make friends or do gymnastics. She picked gymnastics and never looked back. We have been at a different gym for years now and she has plenty of friends. Mean girls suck!

 

[suebee]

My dd is the youngest in her training group. Most of the girls in her group are 1-3 years older than her, so not as big of an age difference as you are describing. The girl she is closest to is the oldest in the group and is 3-4 years older than her. They have similar personalities and I think that is what makes them get along well, regardless of their age.

I personally think that having all other girls being 3-6 years older is difficult. Not that it will necessarily be bad, but I think it might be hard for her. If there was an option to move her into a group of kids more similar in age to her, like the 9-10 year old range you mentioned, I would probably prefer that.

 

[CLgym]

Are you sure there isn't another group of girls closer in age but with the same skills? I ask because it seems that a highly competitive gym like you've described would have younger girls at or above the Xcel Gold level -- otherwise I think it would be hard to reach the higher levels "in time" to vie for elite status/scholarships. Maybe watch to see if you can figure out the gym's system for grouping?? While I am certain that friendships can form over a large age gap, it sure is nice when the girls are closer in age. Right now all of the girls in my DD's group are age 8-10 (but mostly 9 years old). While it definitely took time for friendships to grow when we changed gyms last spring, some of her best buddies are now gym friends. That's not to say there aren't conflicts between girls at times, but overall they share similar interests, maturity level, etc. because they are close in age.

In any event, good luck to your DD. I hope she soon forms some nice gym friendships (and you too)!

PS - I would continue watch for or ask your DD about the "mean" behavior you observed after practice that one day. If it continues, I wouldn't hesitate to follow up with a coach.

 

[CuriousCate]

New gym has a path from xcel to optionals if a gymnast shows potential. Anyway, she is training xcel Gold and has been placed with an advanced group. Problem is she is with 11-14 year old girls.

Does the gym offer any compulsory levels with girls in her age range? I think Gold is sort of similar to level 4/5, correct? At our gym, it seems that the Xcel Gold+girls are mostly 10+ and the level 4/5 girls are all 7-10. If your gym tracks towards elite and college, I would think there would be another group of equal-ish skill level with much younger girls, no?

 

[CuriousCate]

Are you sure there isn't another group of girls closer in age but with the same skills? I ask because it seems that a highly competitive gym like you've described would have younger girls at or above the Xcel Gold level -- otherwise I think it would be hard to reach the higher levels "in time" to vie for elite status/scholarships. Maybe watch to see if you can figure out the gym's system for grouping?? .

haha! i pretty much asked the same thing! you beat me by a few minutes!

 

[Madden3]

On day 1, I introduced her to the group in the lobby and they barely said hi or acknowledged her.

This may be that the girls were uncomfortable around you. 11-13 is the age many kids become monosyllabic around adults. In my opinion the coach should have made the introductions, not you.

I've seen them jump ahead of her and take her turn while training.

For this I suggest teach your daughter to be more assertive If it is her turn, all she needs to say is "I'm next" or whatever with a strong voice and upright body posture. It need not be a thing, she need not be mean herself, she just needs to show strength.

I also overheard a girl say something very mean to her after practice (but didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause drama).

In my opinion, a girl of 11+ saying something "very mean" to a much younger child after practice is too far, and personally I would have said something to the coach about this. Due to some issues my son has been having in gym, I have been trying to parse the difference between trash talk amongst friends and bullying. From what I can gather, if it is said or done with the intent to hurt, it is bullying. An 11+ year old normally developing child knows when they are saying something hurtful.

I get that she's the newbie and I will give it time.

Your daughter may need time to feel comfortable, and the more comfortable she is, the better things may get. But these kids do not need time to learn to treat another person decently. You are new to the gym and do not know the dynamics of this group, who the ringleaders are, etc. The coach does (or should) so you may want to consider having a chat with the coach, because it is possible giving it time without speaking up will only mean reinforcing the mean behavior.

My DD is sad because she knows she will not make any new friends given the age gap.

If your daughter walked into the gym sad and worried she was not going to fit in, that may be a 'weakness' the other girls are picking up on. I suggest working with your daughter on ways to show both strength and friendliness toward the other girls.

Staying at practice- Here, if possible, I think you should do what your daughter is comfortable with. If you think she is too reliant, come to practice but tell her you will be making a starbucks run or whatever during it, and leave for a while and see how it goes.

 

[Sasha]

I don't know how much of an actual predictor this is as of course individual groups will vary, but I have seen some general differences in the level of bonding between Xcel group and JO groups, particularly in the older ages. JO athletes ages 11-14 spend approximately 15-25 hours a week together, and often don't have time to curate any friendships outside of gym. Teammates very often become closest friends out of the intense time and lack of other friendship opportunities.

11-14 year old Xcel athletes are often in Xcel so that they can also nurture other interests, including friends and groups of friends (Cheer squad, LaCrosse or Swim team, Math team, Band, whatever). Gym friends may become close, or may not. I think there can also be more movement in and out of Xcel as the commitment requirements are more fluid.

Either way, it can be tough to be an 8 year old in a group of pre- / young teens, maybe especially so if your DD is super social and gregarious and used to having others accept and reciprocate. It is good for her to learn, however, that not all groups are going to reciprocate the same kind of social energy she may prefer. You can help her understand that and not take it personally.

Keep an eye out of any actual unkindness of course, but it is still very possible that she will learn how to navigate the 'vibe' in the group and find acceptance.

 

[Sasha]

I will add that my daughter is 11, and if a new parent introduced a new 8 year old to her in the lobby, she would probably have a monosyllabic response, maybe a half-smile, then awkwardly move on.

But in class, if the 8 year old was nice to her, asked her appropriate questions about gym, and was a respectful team member (behaved attentively and such), my daughter wouldn't care about her age, and would soon enjoy conversing and practicing with her warmly. If the 8 year old tried to run up and hug her, though, she'd stand there like a confused stone pillar like "Uhhhh..." lol.

 

[Mrs. Puma]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We also recently moved gyms and unfortunatley there is a bit of mean girl stuff going on here too. It's hard because 10yr old Puma Jr is very chatty and energetic and I can see where she could drive a 12/13 yr old crazy, but it's still tough. I don't watch practice, but I see the body language when I pick her up and I know that some of them are irritated with her. I appreciate that I can also see that most of them are trying to be kind, but the one.... ..lets just say I'm keeping an eye on that situation. Some things have been said that I really don't like. But, like you said, I don't want to cause drama when we're the new guys. I told her the same as @my4buffaloes -that she's there to do gymnastics, and to not worry about it and always take the high road. She's fortunate to have good friends outside of gym. This is a lot harder I'm sure for kids who are training big hours, which Puma Jr is not. I have also made sure that I make small talk a little with the girls when I get the chance. I've even said (to the ones that it's true about) that she likes working with them and looks up to them. I want them to know who I am and that I know who they are. And I think it's harder to be cruel to someone when you know they like you or know a little about them. I think it is getting better. I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there!!

 

[e'smum]

there's been mean girl drama at our gym with kids in the same age bracket. some skill difference and those with higher skills have said unkind things to those who skills still needed some work. it's happened pretty much every year we've been at our gym. and with kids who have known each other.

i think some girls build themselves up by picking on others. especially if they perceive that person to be a threat to them somehow.

i say give it a little more time and tell your dd to hang in there. maybe she can try complimenting the other girls. flattery usually works. just by saying i really like how well you do your kip - your arms are so straight.... and other comments may break the ice. i hope it gets better. it sucks to be the youngest. it may not be worth it to be in the advanced class if she could be in another class with kids more her age. i'd check out other options in case it doesn't get better.

 

[duyetanh]

Mean girls just suck. And they are at every gym...if they arent obvious, than they are sneaky or in hiding. Learning how to deal with them is a great life lesson, to be sure. I have found that how coaches handle it all also speaks volumes.

I too have used the kill with kindness approach and let my presence be known. It definitely has helped. And i told my child that the few special friendships she has made will probably stay with her, but that it is the same as with school
...you wouldnt want to invite your whole class to your house, lol. It is ok to not care for some girls, it is even expected. But standing up for yourself and asserting yourself when necessary definitely helps situations.

I am so sorry she is dealing with it. If the coaches arent seeing it, and you feel comfortable doing so, you might want to let them know. I cant see a good coach wanting this environment amongst team members. Good luck!