Parents Is Favoritism a Normal Thing - What Would You Do?

[gymmama504]

Is favoritism a common thing? We seem to have a few "favorites" at our gym.

Examples of what I see as being favoritism. Please tell me if I am seeing this incorrectly or at least give me another perspective. I'm not the only parent who has noticed it.

1. These two girls are allowed to constantly work on upgrades. Others are told either they can't because it's not safe or they are told they can, but time always runs out and they don't get around to it.
2. The faves get to make the coach's coffee every morning and play around in the gym lobby while the others are conditioning.
3. The coach has brought them stuffed animals (only them). Petty, I know, but why just them?
4. The coach told just them that they will get to take field trips over the summer to a gym that has a pit that they can use for vaulting.
5. Some are told they can move up if they get a certain qualifying score by a certain date, but after doing so, the coach forgets about it or ends up saying no. The two favorites get to move up.
6. New routines are promised and are not made. They are made for the favorites though.
7. The coach tells the other girls that they need to ask for one of the favorite's autograph because she will be famous one day.
8. At this point, some of the other girls have normalized this behavior and just accept that they don't get treated the same because "they aren't the favorites."
9. We did bring this matter to our coach about 5 months ago (in a more subtle way, without mentioning names - just more like our daughter was coming home upset and we wanted to know maybe if he knew why). We were told that our daughter needs to be more like XYZ (he said her name - one of the favorites) because she does what she is told and doesn't get too emotional. THIS ONE REALLY TICKED ME OFF! Like who says another kid's name in a parent meeting?
10. XYZ (the one that my daughter is supposed to be mimicking) is emotional all of the time. She also is sure to tell her teammates when she's done better than them at meets. She is also sure to cry if any of them beat her. I've seen it. Others have seen it. Others have cried because of what she's told them.
11. When they present for the coaches at training, the favorites are always "perfect".

My daughter has had to work through some tough mental blocks. She loves the sport and tries. I almost feel like she is being faulted for having those blocks.
I often feel like maybe the coach doesn't see value or potential in my daughter (and some of the others). I feel like he really doesn't care if she's there.
I am not a helicopter gym parent. I let the coaches do their jobs and trust (maybe stupidly) that if I need to know something, they will tell me. Other than a rare text here and there, I stay out of it. But at this point, I am over it and don't know if I should move gyms or just get used to this and chalk it up (no pun intended lol) as part of this sport.

Enlighten me.

 

[Tmacs]

That sounds awful!! I would not want to be there. Our coaches do have favorites but they generally try to keep it not obvious and they still train the girls equally. While it's normal to have some kids you prefer working with, 99% of what you described is not normal snd a red flag!

 

[gymmama504]

That sounds awful!! I would not want to be there. Our coaches do have favorites but they generally try to keep it not obvious and they still train the girls equally. While it's normal to have some kids you prefer working with, 99% of what you described is not normal snd a red flag!

Thank you. I have tried so hard to think this is ok and that I am overreacting.

 

[wyntergrace25]

I can certainly understand how frustrating that situation would be - just a thought, but some of what you are describing actually sounds like the “favorites” are actually missing out on some important parts of their training. If they are playing and making coffee while the others are conditioning they would missing another opportunity to gain strength and get corrections. If they are always “perfect” and don’t receive corrections what a shame for them, and what a waste of their training time. Don’t get me wrong, I would be so frustrated feeling like the treatment of the athletes seems to be so different, and I would certainly have some thoughts for someone who brought up another child in comparison to mine in a parent conference! There is so much about your situation that is alarming, especially the obvious language that one athlete should be celebrated and asked for autographs. I wonder if it might be time to have a heart to heart with the head coach, where you can speak your mind about what you have actually observed and heard, and what your athlete is saying.

 

[rd7]

If this is just the one group and one coach in an otherwise good gym maybe (only maybe) suck it up and wait to see if things can change. If this is how the whole gym is run then leave and find somewhere better. This is not the norm.

 

[gym_dad32608]

Let me ask you this. Is your daughter receiving good coaching? Is she advancing in her skills as you reasonably expect? Do you feel she is in a safe environment (ie, physically and emotionally)? If you answered yes to all three, then you are overreacting and being a crazy gym parent. Coming with an itemized list of examples where coaches are being favorite to another sounds like crazy gym parent. At the end of the day, who cares as long as your daughter is receiving good coaching and is safe. Is it annoying? sure, but maybe spend less time in the parent room observing these favorites and getting caught up in the parent room chatter. Makes it much more enjoyable.

 

[RTT2]

The lack of a pit would cause me concern.

 

[gymmama504]

Let me ask you this. Is your daughter receiving good coaching? Is she advancing in her skills as you reasonably expect? Do you feel she is in a safe environment (ie, physically and emotionally)? If you answered yes to all three, then you are overreacting and being a crazy gym parent. Coming with an itemized list of examples where coaches are being favorite to another sounds like crazy gym parent. At the end of the day, who cares as long as your daughter is receiving good coaching and is safe. Is it annoying? sure, but maybe spend less time in the parent room observing these favorites and getting caught up in the parent room chatter. Makes it much more enjoyable.

I do not go in the parent room. I don’t even go inside of the gym. These are things that have been brought to my attention from my daughter over the last 10-12 months since these new girls joined our gym. I really let most of it go and tried not to think much of it until I saw the kid crying at the meets and the difference in how the coaches treated her. Then one parent approached me about some of it and told me about some of the same things that my daughter had told me.

I don’t want my daughter to be treated better. I just want her to be treated fairly.

I agree that some or those are petty. The ones that bother me are the constant comparisons and the promises that were made to some girls and never honored. Even if my daughter were one of those favorites, I would not be ok with the coach throwing out her name to other parents in a private meeting.

 

[gymmama504]

The lack of a pit would cause me concern.

Same. My daughter struggles with Osgood-Schlatter. The pit is already a huge issue.

 

[gymmama504]

I can certainly understand how frustrating that situation would be - just a thought, but some of what you are describing actually sounds like the “favorites” are actually missing out on some important parts of their training. If they are playing and making coffee while the others are conditioning they would missing another opportunity to gain strength and get corrections. If they are always “perfect” and don’t receive corrections what a shame for them, and what a waste of their training time. Don’t get me wrong, I would be so frustrated feeling like the treatment of the athletes seems to be so different, and I would certainly have some thoughts for someone who brought up another child in comparison to mine in a parent conference! There is so much about your situation that is alarming, especially the obvious language that one athlete should be celebrated and asked for autographs. I wonder if it might be time to have a heart to heart with the head coach, where you can speak your mind about what you have actually observed and heard, and what your athlete is saying.

 

[gymgal]

Lack of a pit paired with the comment about autographs because the gymnasts will be famous one day made me laugh. In general, I agree that it is the coaching and safety that I would focus on most. If they are generally good, I would tend to overlook other minor things. However, your examples can easily turn into emotional abuse as they get older. And the fact that they are pitting gymnasts against gymnasts and also not following through on their own "rules" moving up, routines, etc are red flags for me. Not saying it is time to go. Just that it might be time to have a conversation with the HC/owner or look for other options.

 

[gymmama504]

Lack of a pit paired with the comment about autographs because the gymnasts will be famous one day made me laugh. In general, I agree that it is the coaching and safety that I would focus on most. If they are generally good, I would tend to overlook other minor things. However, your examples can easily turn into emotional abuse as they get older. And the fact that they are pitting gymnasts against gymnasts and also not following through on their own "rules" moving up, routines, etc are red flags for me. Not saying it is time to go. Just that it might be time to have a conversation with the HC/owner or look for other options.

Thank you.

Not having a pit was already a problem. My daughter has suffered with osgood schlatter and can’t vault as much as she’d like to because of the lack of a pit.

The not honoring promises was already an issue. We are trying to teach our kids that you shouldn’t promise something and fall back on it.

The nerve of the coach to drop a name in a parent meeting doesn’t sit right with me.

And yea, it’s taking a huge toll on my daughter’s confidence.

Thank you so much.

 

[pagymmom]

Is favoritism a common thing? We seem to have a few "favorites" at our gym.

Examples of what I see as being favoritism. Please tell me if I am seeing this incorrectly or at least give me another perspective. I'm not the only parent who has noticed it.

1. These two girls are allowed to constantly work on upgrades. Others are told either they can't because it's not safe or they are told they can, but time always runs out and they don't get around to it.
2. The faves get to make the coach's coffee every morning and play around in the gym lobby while the others are conditioning.
3. The coach has brought them stuffed animals (only them). Petty, I know, but why just them?
4. The coach told just them that they will get to take field trips over the summer to a gym that has a pit that they can use for vaulting.
5. Some are told they can move up if they get a certain qualifying score by a certain date, but after doing so, the coach forgets about it or ends up saying no. The two favorites get to move up.
6. New routines are promised and are not made. They are made for the favorites though.
7. The coach tells the other girls that they need to ask for one of the favorite's autograph because she will be famous one day.
8. At this point, some of the other girls have normalized this behavior and just accept that they don't get treated the same because "they aren't the favorites."
9. We did bring this matter to our coach about 5 months ago (in a more subtle way, without mentioning names - just more like our daughter was coming home upset and we wanted to know maybe if he knew why). We were told that our daughter needs to be more like XYZ (he said her name - one of the favorites) because she does what she is told and doesn't get too emotional. THIS ONE REALLY TICKED ME OFF! Like who says another kid's name in a parent meeting?
10. XYZ (the one that my daughter is supposed to be mimicking) is emotional all of the time. She also is sure to tell her teammates when she's done better than them at meets. She is also sure to cry if any of them beat her. I've seen it. Others have seen it. Others have cried because of what she's told them.
11. When they present for the coaches at training, the favorites are always "perfect".

My daughter has had to work through some tough mental blocks. She loves the sport and tries. I almost feel like she is being faulted for having those blocks.
I often feel like maybe the coach doesn't see value or potential in my daughter (and some of the others). I feel like he really doesn't care if she's there.
I am not a helicopter gym parent. I let the coaches do their jobs and trust (maybe stupidly) that if I need to know something, they will tell me. Other than a rare text here and there, I stay out of it. But at this point, I am over it and don't know if I should move gyms or just get used to this and chalk it up (no pun intended lol) as part of this sport.

Enlighten me.

This does sound like extreme favoritism. This happens at our gym but nearly to this extent. And it is not all the coaches - it is only one coach. The one coach favorites girls definitely over other girls and the girls who are not her favorites (my daughter included) literally hate gymnastics when she is their coach for an event when she otherwise loves gymnastics. And there is no rhyme or reason to the favorites - the most talented girl is actually not a favorite and some of the least talented are.

 

[CuriousCate]

I might have missed it, but how old is this group of children?

 

[gym_dad32608]

I do not go in the parent room. I don’t even go inside of the gym. These are things that have been brought to my attention from my daughter over the last 10-12 months since these new girls joined our gym. I really let most of it go and tried not to think much of it until I saw the kid crying at the meets and the difference in how the coaches treated her. Then one parent approached me about some of it and told me about some of the same things that my daughter had told me.

I don’t want my daughter to be treated better. I just want her to be treated fairly.

I agree that some or those are petty. The ones that bother me are the constant comparisons and the promises that were made to some girls and never honored. Even if my daughter were one of those favorites, I would not be ok with the coach throwing out her name to other parents in a private meeting.

Again, is she receiving quality coaching? Do you feel she is safe? All this other stuff you outline is noise. I especially discount things that are from second and third sources (ie I heard from another parent who heard, etc). I know how things get changed and distorted (kinda like that telephone game). Treated fairly is relative what? The "favortisms" that you have outlined seem to have little to do with actual gymnastics and gymnastics coaching.

I dont intend to come across as mean, but I do want to offer an alternative viewpoint. I know so many posts like this always end up with a bunch of group-think, ya! ya! I know its irritating to see another gymnast seeming to be liked more by coaches, but its going to happen anywhere. The problem is when it bleeds into actual coaching. You have to do what you think is best for your child. If you dont like the situation, change it.

 

[gymmama504]

This does sound like extreme favoritism. This happens at our gym but nearly to this extent. And it is not all the coaches - it is only one coach. The one coach favorites girls definitely over other girls and the girls who are not her favorites (my daughter included) literally hate gymnastics when she is their coach for an event when she otherwise loves gymnastics. And there is no rhyme or reason to the favorites - the most talented girl is actually not a favorite and some of the least talented are.

I often wonder if the favorites are the ones whose parents are always up the coaches’ butts. We aren’t those kinds of people, so I guess my kid will probably never be the favorite.

I wouldn’t want my daughter being the favorite anyway. I just want fair treatment.

 

[gymmama504]

Again, is she receiving quality coaching? Do you feel she is safe? All this other stuff you outline is noise. I especially discount things that are from second and third sources (ie I heard from another parent who heard, etc). I know how things get changed and distorted (kinda like that telephone game). Treated fairly is relative what? The "favortisms" that you have outlined seem to have little to do with actual gymnastics and gymnastics coaching.

I dont intend to come across as mean, but I do want to offer an alternative viewpoint. I know so many posts like this always end up with a bunch of group-think, ya! ya! I know its irritating to see another gymnast seeming to be liked more by coaches, but its going to happen anywhere. The problem is when it bleeds into actual coaching. You have to do what you think is best for your child. If you dont like the situation, change it.

I get where you are coming from and don’t think you are being mean at all. I appreciate the honesty.

I’m a left-brained kind of person so I had to make a list to maybe help myself process some of this. I agree some of it is petty.

I just wanted to make sure I was clear that I am not one that goes in the gym and sits in the parent room and watches every little thing. Other than helping at the meet we host, I can probably count on my hands how many times I’ve sent foot in the place over the last year or two.

I also know how kids are, and that’s why I kind of let a lot of this stuff go. Seeing stuff for myself at meets was eye opening.

I guess I could say she is being coached to some degree, but besides the favoritism, I still think it’s lacking. Asking for corrections after meets and getting told her deductions are “for the same usual stuff” I guess is coaching? Not to mention since she isn’t the favorite, a lot of her time in the gym is spent on her own.

Safety is major because of the pit. And now that you have me thinking, removing the favorites from the equation wouldn’t solve much. They just make an already crappy situation even worse.

 

[gymmama504]

I might have missed it, but how old is this group of children?

It’s a group of about 13 kids at varying ages and levels. The major issues are coming from levels 6+.

 

[gymmama504]

I can certainly understand how frustrating that situation would be - just a thought, but some of what you are describing actually sounds like the “favorites” are actually missing out on some important parts of their training. If they are playing and making coffee while the others are conditioning they would missing another opportunity to gain strength and get corrections. If they are always “perfect” and don’t receive corrections what a shame for them, and what a waste of their training time. Don’t get me wrong, I would be so frustrated feeling like the treatment of the athletes seems to be so different, and I would certainly have some thoughts for someone who brought up another child in comparison to mine in a parent conference! There is so much about your situation that is alarming, especially the obvious language that one athlete should be celebrated and asked for autographs. I wonder if it might be time to have a heart to heart with the head coach, where you can speak your mind about what you have actually observed and heard, and what your athlete is saying.

Thank you. I don’t think the coach would own it at all, but at this point I need to have the talk and make some decisions.

 

[gymmama504]

Lack of a pit paired with the comment about autographs because the gymnasts will be famous one day made me laugh. In general, I agree that it is the coaching and safety that I would focus on most. If they are generally good, I would tend to overlook other minor things. However, your examples can easily turn into emotional abuse as they get older. And the fact that they are pitting gymnasts against gymnasts and also not following through on their own "rules" moving up, routines, etc are red flags for me. Not saying it is time to go. Just that it might be time to have a conversation with the HC/owner or look for other options.

Lack of a pit paired with the comment about autographs because the gymnasts will be famous one day made me laugh. In general, I agree that it is the coaching and safety that I would focus on most. If they are generally good, I would tend to overlook other minor things. However, your examples can easily turn into emotional abuse as they get older. And the fact that they are pitting gymnasts against gymnasts and also not following through on their own "rules" moving up, routines, etc are red flags for me. Not saying it is time to go. Just that it might be time to have a conversation with the HC/owner or look for other

If this is just the one group and one coach in an otherwise good gym maybe (only maybe) suck it up and wait to see if things can change. If this is how the whole gym is run then leave and find somewhere better. This is not the norm.

I also just found out that I've been paying several hundred dollars more a month than them... there is some backstory that could explain some of it, but dang! Heck no. I'm out.