Parents Jealous (maybe) friends? How would you handle it?

[CuriousCate]

I feel a little lame posting this but I honestly am getting a little frustrated and need some calming advice.

My neighbor is one of my closest friends. My DD is 6 1/2 and her's is turning 9 soon. The two girls have been friends as long as my DD learned to walk and their friendship has been very specal to my DD. They used to play every single evening.

My DD has been doing gymnastics since age 3, competed level 2 last season, just skills tested into level 3. She practices 10 hours a week and has only rarely waivered in her committment. Meanwhile, our neighbor's DD (I'll refer to her as NDD) tries many things and quits generally after 1-2 seasons saying the exact words each time "I don't really like *** anymore."

Anyway, NDD and my DD have always done "backyard" gymnastics (ie cartwheels, bridge kickovers, etc) and NDD is super strong and flexible with a ton of potential. After coming to watch my DD at a meet, she decided that she also wanted to be on a gymnastics team. She started rec classes about 4 months ago and has done awesome but obviously, it will take some time and effort to make a team! She and her parents really don't seem to understand this and keep asking me why NDD is not yet on a team. They have repeatedly used words like "I don't understand why she isn't on a team when she is every bit as good as your DD" or "Why did they give your DD a chance and aren't giving NDD a chance? NDD is every bit as good! It seems like they aren't looking for new talent."

Now it is to the point where NDD no longer comes over and has refused to carpool to school this year, I assume because of this. My DD is so little that she has no understanding of this and is always just super excited to see NDD at the gym working a new skill. She keeps asking me why NDD won't come over anymore and I don't know what to say. I won't play the "people get jealous" card because I don't want my DD getting an ego or worse, repeating my words as 6 year olds do!!

I have tried to explain to NDD and her parents that gymnastics is different than many other sports at this age - you don't *join* a team, you have to work until you meet the skills. NDD is super talented kid and I just keep reminding her parents to advise her that she *just* started and that it will take time to get there. Unfortunately, it has been a weird strain on our friendship as well - especially when they called to very awkwardly tell me that NDD no longer wants to carpool to school with my DD. They fed me some reason about the girls being in different buildings/carlines this year, but they are still at the same school, so I don't see why that would matter.

Phew. After all that - my questions: How would you explain to your DD? Would you address it more directly with the parents and if so, how would you approach it?

Thanks so much in advance!!

 

[CuriousCate]

oh, also, to be somewhat defensive of all of my DD's work, NDD is NOT every bit as good. Just gonna put that out there...

 

[sce]

That is unfortunate. Sadly, if it wasn't gym it would have probably happened over something else. No need to tell your dd it's due to jealousy, it's speculation anyways. First, yes meet with your friend and tell her that it feels she has distanced herself and ask if their is any issue that needs resolving. Don't put any assumptions into it. Also let her know that your dd misses her dd. For now, just tell your dd that you understand her missing her friend and you don't know why she is not spending time with her at this time.

 

[CuriousCate]

Thank you! You are right, it is all speculation. The timing of everything just seemed to match up really well… I like your plan! Thank you

 

[blueredzone]

I don't mean this in a negative way but here is my 2 cents.

When we started gymnastics we had no idea the differences of levels or anything. All we knew is that they flip n stuff. I didn't know what talent looked like and had no idea of the length ppl go to get on team.

When you want to play soccer, you play soccer. Or any other sport. Gymnastics is very different from other sports. I had no clue. Maybe these ppl don't.

Is ndd and your dd at practice the same time? Is she feeling left out?

Did you explain to them the time it takes to make team?

It maybe a communication issue not a jealousy issue.

 

[Gymmommy71]

To me it sounds like NDD started late - an 8 year old that just started gymnastics, no matter how talented, can often be seen as over the hill even when similarly skilled as 6.5 year old team kid (and epsecially if she's not as good).

I'd explain that sometimes kids who start late have a lot more to prove to the mom if she keeps complaining to you. If this kid has a lot of talent, she is probably used to getting pretty much instant team invites to all activities she tries - so it could be new to her.

 

[caligymdad]

I would also be cautious to assume jealousy. I will tell you that I have had to have conversations with my DD about the jealousy issues though. To keep it simple I told her that just like some people will admire her for her abilities and gifts, there are others that will envy and be jealous of her abilities and gifts. She has had 'friends' at the gym turn mean or dismissive as my DD has advanced in levels and they repeated. Older girls that have watched her catch up to them can be rather distant from my DD at times and some have left the gym because they feel as if my DD gets special treatment. Just let your DD know that all that really matters is her getting better at what she enjoys. Real friends will present themselves along her path and more than likely the relationship she had with NDD will return when NDD finds something she is successful and happy with.

 

[Madden3]

It is not your job to explain "how it all works" with gymnastics to another parent or child. I know you meant well, but perhaps getting into explanations of the ins and outs of the sport put you in the position of "expert" and smack in the middle of a situation you have utterly no say in nor control over. It is even possible this led to you somehow being blamed for something. Whether jealous or not, this mom sounds frustrated and maybe she has reason to be and maybe not, but it is not for you to say one way or another. It might have been better to say from the start "I really do not understand how it works either. When I have questions I ask the coach." And leave it at that. Maybe you can backtrack and start saying something along those lines. In other words, I would suggest avoiding discussions about gymnastics or at least about team and progressing.

If you used to carpool with this family and that has stopped with no reasonable explanation, I think it is ok to ask why. Just make sure you phrase it in a way that leaves the other mom open to not answering directly. It might be some personal issue that has nothing to do with you or your DD. Something like "I sure miss carpooling. I am wondering is there some way we can do that again?" or something. I also think it is a good idea to make friendly overtures, to invite them over for playdates or whatever. Maybe plan an activity that has nothing to do with gym. No need to chase, but do make it clear you would prefer to keep the relationship close, assuming that is the case.

I would not say anything to a 6 year old about any of this, unless she asked directly or was obviously bothered, and then I would keep it very simple. After all this friend is 3 years older, it is probable the friendship was going to fizzle at some point. Is it possible you are taking this all to heart more than your DD is?

 

[gymbeam]

could be jealousy, could be some other personality issues they are having, or it could just be the 9 year old is now becoming more aware of their age difference and might be embarrassed to be best friends with someone so young.

if your families have been that close, i think you should be able to just check in with the mom and ask if there has been any issues that you weren't aware of let her know she can tell you if there has been. maybe something else has happened that she is afraid to bring up?

it really could be so many things, but none of them could be made worse by genuinely stating your DD misses her and that you hope everything is OK between them.

 

[Tuppy]

I don't think you have to explain to your daughter, other than you aren't sure why she's not available. Keep inviting her, and she should come around if it's a misunderstanding.

 

[blueredzone]

one thing I get hung up on in this scenario is the other child moving to other sports every year or two. Kudos to them for trying to find a sport that fits. Odd that op kinda looks down on that

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Gymnastics can be so confusing b/c there are so many other sports and activities out there where you join a team right away...(cheer, soccer, baseball and even some dance studios now have beginner teams.)

I do think it can be harder for the older girls to be taken seriously. Also it is likely bars or something like that holding her back from team, not necessarily anything she could practice in the backyard. I would suggest they talk to the coach and or gym owner and let them know they are interested in team. I think sometimes coaches and gyms will watch a girl more closely and take them more seriously if they know that the family is 100% on board with team commitment (b/c there a lot out there that aren't.) But even then she would have to likely do at least a year of pre team first. Other than suggesting that not a lot you can do. It's definitely not your fault and you and your daughter shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. I don't like that they are making a point to compare the two girls either. If she is good at basic tumbling, they could look into cheer or something if it is that important to them to be on a team right away. Hopefully they will come around, but if not, than it may not be the kind of family you and your dd want to hang out with on a regular basis anyway. I really hate when people try to be competitive with other's kids instead of just being happy that they are both doing a sport that they love.

 

[Randomactsofcheer]

Try to separate what is going on in your DD and NDD's relationship from your relationship with your neighbor friend. Ask your neighbor if there is a reason why she has been distancing herself from you and if that reason has something to do with not carpooling this school year.

I agree with previous posters. I wouldn't assume that not wanting to play and carpool are a result of jealousy, at least not on the NDD's part. Your DD and NDD are almost three year apart. NDD is almost a "tween" and may have developed different interests from your DD. I know my DD no longer wants to play with our 6 1/2 neighbor for this reason. Most days when the 11 year-old neighbor and 9 year-old neighbor don't want to hang out, my DD would much rather read a book than see if our 6 year-old neighbor wants to play.

 

[CuriousCate]

one thing I get hung up on in this scenario is the other child moving to other sports every year or two. Kudos to them for trying to find a sport that fits. Odd that op kinda looks down on that

I don't look down on this at all. I included it more to explain why I think she expected to be able to join a sport and immediately be on the team without participating for some amount of time first. My younger DD does this and I bet will continue to do this for years. There is no judgement there. Honestly.

I really appreciate all of this input. It gives me some good perspective, particularly about the embarrassment of having a younger best friend. I had never even thought about that. I suppose there is a point where girls sort of come of age so to speak.

I will say that for the first two months, the word jealous never came into my head. I just assumed that people schedules change and folks get busy as summer was nearing which is why she stopped coming over. It first occurred to me that this may be the issue when we invited her over to watch some Olympic gymnastics. Her mom rather openly told me that NDD was feeling upset about the team issue and preferred not to come. My DD is very upset about losing her friend. As many of you have suggested, I have dealt with it by simply saying that I am not sure why she isn't coming over and perhaps she had a really busy summer. I have stuck to the Carline reason for why we are not carpooling to school and fortunately, being young, my daughter does not question the rationale.

The other thing I had not thought about is that perhaps I should never have tried to explain how the JO and prep optional teams work at our gym. Looking back, fortunately, I only gave them a brief description of team structure and did not actually go into details as to what it takes to be on a team. I did suggest that they speak with her coach to find out what skills she needs. But perhaps I should've made that statement alone and nothing else. I just remember coming into this as a parent and being grateful for other parents who are willing to give me their insight. I suppose that is what I thought I was doing. But you all are right.

I think you all for the awesome input. It has been very helpful!

 

[Aussie_coach]

Even if she was as good as yiur DD, I am sure the gym would expect more from a 9 year old than from a 6 year old to make their team. Age does play a big role in gymnastics.

Many gyms won't take a 9 year old onto team unless they are already at quite an advanced level, rather than stick them on a team with 6 year olds.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Things change. And there are times where age differences matter more then at other times. This is probably one of them.

And I am not a big fan of assuming. Instead of tip toeing around the elephant in the room just ask. Feelings are already hurt. At least you would actually know.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Her mom rather openly told me that NDD was feeling upset about the team issue and preferred not to come.

So it turns out you know why. The answer is it not you its her. Again, things change. You perhaps need to point out to you daughter some friendships that have changed or moved on in her life.

Perhaps preschool friends she no longer sees. Or an activity that stopped so the friendships stopped. People change, they just do. Can't stop it. Can't force it.

 

[flipster]

Although you mean good, I would not bring it up again after the mother told you that she would rather not come over.

 

[lovemygymnast]

I agree with previous posters. First, playing 'dumb" so to speak, keeps you out of the middle. I always, always play dumb. Luckily for me, I really am dumb to most of gymnastics! [emoji23] Second, I don't necessarily agree with age being an issue at gyms for team, I think it depends on the gym. Our old gym & new gym alike take older girls on all levels. It's really up to the older girls whether they want to be with younger kids on a team. Third, maybe they did talk to the coach already and didn't like what they heard which made the gap between the girls worse? And fourth, yes it could be the older girl is noticing the age difference. Or you're right, it could be jealousy but if it's the child, those parents certainly aren't helping the situation! If I were in their shoes, I would be encouraging good behavior and being happy for her friend.

Listen, we've been in your position. We had a very close friend whose dd is a few years older than mine. The child hated gym but for whatever the reason the mom was determined this child was going to be a gymnast. She was paying for several hour privates a week while her child was in rec to get her to pre-team. I never judged that but I felt the tenseness and strain between the mom & I. I truly just didn't understand why she would seem upset with me or my dd. I found myself completely avoiding talking to her about my dd or anything related to gym. It's hard to have and a be friend to someone you can't even talk about your own child to! Then she started with comparisons between our older sons, in that, she would basically down my son and make hers better about school, baseball, football, whatever. Then I just put it altogether and realized, it's her. It's her competitive nature. Nothing was going to get any better with this relationship unless her dd some how out did mine. So, it ended up that she took her dd to a new gym. Her dd ended up on team a year later & is doing great! She speaks to me again but I have completely distanced myself from this whole thing. People like her just are that way. There is nothing you could do to change it. You cannot help your child's placement on team nor can you help her dd's. So, if this is indeed jealousy, she'll come around when/if her dd quits or once her dd makes team. Avoid any gym talk at all or any brags on your dd. I'm telling you, she would say something about gym & I would not even acknowledge and change the subject because I finally realized it didn't matter if I said all negative things about my kid and all positive things about hers, it would not change her behavior. She would seem angry with anything I said. I was constantly walking on eggshells! Sometimes you figure out who your true friends are in situations like this. I do agree that it might be helpful just to ask if there's an unresolved issue but I wouldn't mention gym at all. I never asked in our situation because it was so obvious that any time gymnastics was mentioned, she would seem angry (it wasn't me mentioning gym). I think sometimes parents live through their kids or feel they are judged as parents by how well their kids do in sports, school, etc. I would tell your dd exactly what you've told her so far. I don't see any reason to explain any details. If it's jealousy or competitiveness, it really is sad that adults can't be adults! Good luck and I'm crossing my fingers it gets resolved.

 

[CuriousCate]

Thanks for this thoughtful reply! I don't think her mom is jealous at all- she's pretty laid back on the whole. I think it's the child making the choice to no longer come over and no longer carpool. I feel that it's putting the mom in the tough position of feeling like she needs to navigate the situation gracefully. We are having dinner (me and other mom) next week before back to school night, so I will bring it up then but leave gymnastics out! I'll update!

Thanks all!