WAG Long post- CGM and kicking out of program?

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CoachMeg

Coach
I don't know if there are any parents from my gym that have accounts on here so I'll try to keep this as anonymous and broad as possible (crossing fingers).

So...this situation started a few months ago. I coach pre-team and compulsory levels with another coach (we split events) and one day back in winter, he tested a 1o year old girl (let's call her Suzie) and put her in our pre-team group. Let's just say, after Suzie got WRONGLY placed in pre-team, all evaluations now have to go through ME first. Yes, it was that bad.

Suzie was SO behind skill wise, I wanted to pull my hair out the first couple of weeks. Most of our pre-team girls have ro-bhs by themselves on the floor, rod floor, or the tumble trak. Or at the very least, a standing bhs on trampoline. Well Suzie couldn't even do a round-off. I'm not exaggerating. Every time she did one, she would completely pike down and fall on her butt. Not only that, but Suzie could not even run very well as her feet completely turned in with every step (a beam coach's nightmare!!!).

Even though my first thought was to go to the parents and tell them that this class was just not working out, it is not my place and unfortunately I do not have the authority to do that. So, I brought it up during our coach's meetings......4 times. FOUR TIMES. Yet nothing was done about it. I simply explained that Suzie was not able to keep up with the rest of the pre-team group and I had to create stations JUST for her because she could not keep up with what the other girls were doing. Suzie was so weak that she could not even hold onto the rope. I'm not even talking about climbing to the top or half way or even one step, Suzie could literally NOT hold onto the rope without collapsing to the ground. :eek: Like I said, I brought it up at every meeting we had and the HC would just say "Yes I need to talk to her mom." Did he ever? No. I even emailed him once to remind him. Did he then? No. I even ASKED if I could talk to her mom. His response? "I don't think it would look very good if I wasn't the one that did it. I'll give her a call tomorrow." Did he? No.

You can see the frustration....
And like I explained in the meetings, I have absolutely NO problem teaching kids at this skill level. It is not that I don't think she's talented or I don't think she has a future in gymnastics. It is simply that as a coach, it is so difficult and stressful to teach a group of girls with such vast skill levels. I have 5 girls doing ro-bhs, 3 girls trying ro-bhs-bhs, and then Suzie who can't do a roundoff. It's frustrating to say the least! (Side note, I never ONCE took my frustration out on Suzie. The girl can be a brat, starting verbal fights with the other girls or throwing crying temper tantrums if she didn't get the pick her station first...she's 10....and once hid behind a stack of leotards crying because her mom was not there to watch her practice). I did, however, discipline her for her behavior. But I never once made her feel bad about being behind the group.

Fast forward to last weekend level 3 tryouts. ALL our pre-team girls try out and are evaluated by ALL team coaches. Me and the other compulsory coach warm the girls up and organize the try-out, but the optional coaches judge their skills so that it is fairly objective (they don't coach them often or even at all, so they don't know what they look like during practice or any other factors other than the skills they show them during testing). They test every level 3 skill and are scored on a 1-3 basis:
1= cannot perform
2= can perform but has some form breaks
3= can perform very well

At the end we add up all their points and divide it by the number of skills- they have to hit 80% or higher to move up to level 3.

Of course with every try out there will be some upset parents with the kids who did not make it. I get that. Most parents were very understanding and we even said we would host another tryout in July for those that show big improvements over the summer.

Well......as you can probably guess by the title of this post, Suzie's mother was NOT happy. Suzie scored a 37%...which was probably even a little too nice considering you were at least given a 1 on everything even if you couldn't do the skills, not a 0. Suzie's mom was crying (yes crying) to our front desk office worker and shouting that I don't push her as hard as the other girls and I don't see any potential in Suzie. She told the front desk worker that she wants to have a meeting with the owners to discuss my coaching capabilities (HA!). The part that makes me most mad is that she flat out LIED saying that I purposefully did not show up to the 2 privates that she scheduled with me because I did not want to coach her daughter. That is a complete and total LIE. Suzie's mom cancelled BOTH privates herself because Suzie was sick on both of them. Luckily I have both texts sent from the mother to prove she was lying. Even the front desk worker knows it was a lie because she handles all privates.

And as if this wasn't enough, Suzie misses every Saturday practice for beauty pageants.

I guess I'm asking, what would you do? Most of the other coaches that I have talked to agree that the family is all drama.

What is your process on asking someone to leave your pre-team/team program?


(thank you if you stuck around and read this entire thing :))
 
What would bother me more than the mom would be that the HC didn't back you, or take a stand...in fact he/she avoided the whole situation. This screams problematic, and how do you know you will be backed and supported? While I would never have my child do beauty pageants, to each their own..the problem is the lying and drama on the part of the parent, and essentially the nonsupport from your staff. I would make sure the HC sees those texts, and pass the buck. It's about time you got some backing...
 
This is a job for the owner at this point. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not engage Suzie's mom. Continue to remind your boss every day that he needs to talk to Suzie and remind him of the things the mom has done.

We don't really have a process. If it's not working out, they leave per the owner. But my boss would have no problem asking Suzie's mom to leave yesterday. This is not really generally for skill level, but for drama like you describe.
 
Also, the owner needs to know/realize the liability in taking a family like this. With the behavior the mom has demonstrated, if Suzie falls from that rope or bar, or lands her roundoff wrong, you could be in court over Suzie being "permanently scarred" for her beauty pageants. Not to mention the issues the behavior of this girl and mom could cause for your other customers.
 
Whose decision is it? Yours? This might be one where the owner or HC needs to talk to the parents.

I work in a very different context, but I find that explaining the standards I use to make evaluations sometimes helps to calm things down when a person is unhappy with the results. I also emphasize that I am not giving anything; I am merely reporting the results of what was earned, and I'm sorry if that is disappointing.

I'm sorry for you. This sounds like a really unpleasant situation, but I think it's good to get it wrapped up now. I don't think these parents are going to get easier if she does end up staying on team.
 
Write everything down. With dates, times and other people present,

Every time you said to hc, all your emails, texts. Bring it all together, make copies, and give it to the hc.

It sounds like you have all the evidence you need to support your story.
 
That is such a frustrating situation! I really feel for you. You have done all you can at this point, coaching her the best that you can, assessed her accurately, and made parents aware of the appropriate placement of their child. The HC knows your criteria for selecting team members (and I'm guessing played some role in coming up with the selection process) and can back you up- the parent will not have a leg to stand on.
I think there is always some risk in inviting kids to pre-team groups, because there is a chance that someone won't work out- whether it be skills, attitude, commitment. Our HC sort of banks on the fact that those "oops" placements will weed themselves out, realizing they are in over their heads or decide they really aren't interested in team gymnastics after all, but we are also a really low key gym with pretty minimal parent problems and a low intensity team- so quite different from your situation.
 
First of all. Stick to the facts. Do not let the mom pull you into an emotional battle. Even facts such as "too weak to grip the rope for rope climbs" is important. Write it all down, TAKE A COPY and give the original to the owner. That is really all you can do. Someone needs to point out to this family that their lack of commitment and Suzie's lack of skills/strengths make gymnastics not a good fit for them. IF they could get her to all the practices her skills and strengths would improve.

I am shocked that she ever made pre-team though.
 
I am guessing what happened is that mom made a huge big stink and fuss and HC put Suzie on preteam to get her out of his office. He's been avoiding confronting mom because he knows what the reaction will be, and he was just hoping stupidly that watching their daughter fail completely in the testing process would make them understand that she wasn't ready for team. Unfortunately he needs to recognize that he is going to have the confrontation no matter what.

I know where he is coming from, because he seems to have been separated at birth from the dean of our graduate school. He needs to put on his Superman underwear and deal, rather than counting on "the process" to eliminate this underperforming and uncommitted child without his having to lift a finger.
 
Yuck.
It sounds to me like HC has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to deal with the parent and is willing to let you leave you stuck with her.
Document everything as suggested above and keep doing so. Send an email every time there is an incident so no one can say that they weren't aware of what was happening.
If the parent behaves inappropriately towards you perhaps you could say that they need to talk to the HC (about whatever they upset about).
Be very very careful. Good luck.
 
No real advice on the problems you are having, I'm afraid, other than persisting with hc and not entertaining Suzie's mum.

But a bit of reassurance on the anonymity front. You needn't worry about giving too much info: this post could refer to so many clubs in so many places. Could be ours!

Hope you get it sorted.
 
I am certainly no expert, but based on your description I wonder if there is something else going on with Suzie besides being placed in the wrong group and having a CGM. The following points jumped out at me:

- Issues with running
- Lacks strength even to grip the rope
- Throws temper tantrums

Long ago I worked at a tutoring center, and there were a lot of parents who would neglect to inform us that their kids were diagnosed with ADHD, were on meds, had IEPs, etc. Then there were other kids who clearly had undiagnosed issues that the parents just didn't want to deal with. If Suzie had a more reasonable mother, I would start by setting up a conference with the mom and HC or gym owner to summarize the behavioral issues, ask if these issues are also occurring at home or at school, and ask what strategies are typically used to address them. This might induce her to open up about any diagnosed issues, or at least to give you some coping tips if the kid is just overly emotional. But in this case, it sounds like that might not be useful and you just want the mom gone.
 
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, and that your HC is not backing you up!!
I've had to deal with parents like this and it's frustrating to say the least BUT in my case my HC was backing me up 100% and we were in constant contact whenever "Suzies" mom cornered either one of us so we made sure to present a united front.
That's really key here. Suzies mom is thinking your HC is completely on her side, Suzie belongs in pre-team/team because she hasn't been informed otherwise. A perceptive, rational parent would have contacted you long before now to ask what Suzie could do to improve since she is clearly behind the other kids, but we aren't dealing with a rational person here. Some parents just cannot see when their precious snowflakes aren't measuring up. Dealing with that delusion is really, really difficult. Even having it on paper (the test results) doesn't help much, it only (like you say she is doing) serves to transfer the inadequacy to someone else (you, the coach)....
Document, document, document and at this point, the HC or owner will NEED to be the ones to speak to her. It's past you already, except for if a meeting is called you should be there to explain in detail Suzies progress or lack thereof since you are her coach.
Good luck!!!!
 
What would bother me more than the mom would be that the HC didn't back you, or take a stand...in fact he/she avoided the whole situation. This screams problematic, and how do you know you will be backed and supported? While I would never have my child do beauty pageants, to each their own..the problem is the lying and drama on the part of the parent, and essentially the nonsupport from your staff. I would make sure the HC sees those texts, and pass the buck. It's about time you got some backing...

Yes, HC is VERY non-confrontational. It is very frustrating. He will totally agree with everything I tell him but then turn around and do nothing about it.
 
f Suzie had a more reasonable mother, I would start by setting up a conference with the mom and HC or gym owner to summarize the behavioral issues, ask if these issues are also occurring at home or at school, and ask what strategies are typically used to address them. This might induce her to open up about any diagnosed issues, or at least to give you some coping tips if the kid is just overly emotional. But in this case, it sounds like that might not be useful and you just want the mom gone.

Back in the very beginning Suzie was at practice when class started but her mom had left to go grocery shopping, and Suzie had a complete meltdown when her mom drove off. She was bawling her eyes out and ran to the front of the gym and hid behind a stack of leotards. I notified the front desk workers (because I had a pre-team group to start) and they watched her and called Suzie's mom. 15 minutes later Suzie's mom is back and Suzie is calm and ready to warm up. I asked Suzie's mom if she was scared to be here alone (at this point she had been practicing with us for about 3 weeks). She said she didn't think she was. I asked if Suzie ever got scared or acted like that when she would drop her off for school. That's when I found out Suzie was homeschooled and besides going to gym practice or beauty pageants, Suzie rarely left the house.
 
Deep breath. At our gym it would be really odd for preteam to be working ro-BHS-BHS. Skills are not very important at that level, they are working on strength, conditioning, form, and perfecting shapes. I do hear your frustration, but I'm gonna play the devils advocate here. Posting all that information here, bringing it up four times--admit it, you really don't like this kid. Yes sounds like mom may be CGM. But no doubt mom and child can tell by watching the practices that you can't stand her kid. There is NOTHING worse for a parent of a preteam or team kid than having a coach who wants their child to fail to prove they are right. That would bring out a little crazy in even the best/mellowest of parents. It is unlikely that is is not showing in how you treat her child, despite your best efforts. Could that be contributing to her behavior flare up issues? Very likely. Are you sure she doesn't know that you hate having her in your group and resent that someone else put her there? Kids are sponges and pick up on a lot. I would think it's a horrible place for a parent to be in. Their child has a dream of competing on team. She has a coach who can't stand her and wants to see her fail to prove a point. Why are you so bothered by this in a preteam situation where the focus should be on strength and conditioning? Instead of focusing so much on kicking her out, why not challenge yourself to helping her do her best? Can you give her some strength homework to do at home? Does she have a pullup bar? Have you suggested it? Or you can continue on the warpath and eventually her love of the sport will get squashed.
 
Here's a challenge for you. Schedule a conference and explain about your concerns with regard to strength. Give her some home conditioning suggestions and suggest that you touch bases again in August or September. Tell her you want to help give her the tools she needs to succeed. And MEAN it. Want her to to do it and to succeed. Consider it a success for you, a big one, if this situation gets turned around. If in September she hasn't put in the effort and hasn't improved, then maybe her heart's not in it....
 
@Midwestmommy You are not at all hearing what I said. I never once said I wanted to see her fail, how dare you make that conclusion. I also never said I couldn't stand the kid. If I did, I wouldn't have coached her for 5 months. Did her behavior at times get on my nerves? Yes. But did I hate the kid and wish she was out of the sport? Absolutely not. Instead I wished she was put into a group where she could excel, not struggle. And her behavior flare ups are not a result of my coaching style, instead they're probably because she feels like she is not succeeding because everyone is passing her up. Frustration = temper tantrum.

For safety reason she should have not been put in the group. And since you're going to relate this to yourself as a parent....what would your reaction be if I had to completely back track the entire group because one kid could not keep up? In other words, your Nancy had to do stations every practice for round-offs and cartwheels even though she needs to be working on her ro-bhs.... because Suzie wasn't ready for that yet. OR if I make all the stations for what the majority of the class is working on, Suzie's mother gets angry that I'm ignoring her and her capabilities. There is NO easy solution, so do not make it sound like I'm not "up for the challenge". It is not like that.

And no, I'm not going to suggest to her mother to go out and buy a pull-up bar to practice gymnastics at home. No thank you. WHEN Suzie falls, because she does not have the strength to hold onto it yet (as you could see from my rope comment above ^), her injury will come back on me because I suggested it.
 

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