Parents Looking at Other Gyms - Is This Typical?

[TNGymnastDad]

My daughter has been in gymnastics for five years now, and has been at three different gyms. We have learned the hard way that, at least around here, so much as looking at another gym will get you immediately kicked out, no questions asked. In the experience of other gymnastics parents, is this sort of thing typical?

Our first gym, Gym 1, was no-nonsense and produced very positive results at first. Once she moved above level 3, the coaches became borderline abusive, so we quickly and quietly looked around for other gyms. Our daughter went to do a short, trial class at a gym one of her friends attends. We weren't committed to it or anything, just seeing what else was available. Anyway, as we were walking to the car after the class, we got a text from the owner of Gym 1, who had learned that we had been to another gym. We were told that we were kicked off the team and never allowed to so much as set foot on the property of her gym.

We were creeped out by how she had found out so quickly, but since we were about to pull our daughter out anyway, it didn't bother us too much. After a little more looking around, we settled on a gym we were all reasonably happy with (Gym 2), which was about a 30 minute drive from our house. For the next year-and-a-half, all went well, but all the driving back and forth took its toll on us.

Last year, a new gym opened up about a 5-minute drive from our house (Gym 3). We checked it out and my wife and I fell in love with it immediately. Our daughter liked it, but didn't want to leave her friends, so we decided to wait a few more weeks before making a final decision. Long story short, the owner of Gym 2 found out we had looked at another gym and kicked us out without warning. Since we hadn't yet determined that we were leaving, this caught us completely unprepared. Luckily, we were able to get her into Gym 3 less than a week later, and we have been happy with it ever since.

Is this sort of thing normal? Are gym owners out there really so possessive that simply looking at another gym is considered grounds for immediate dismissal and banning, no questions asked?

 

[MILgymFAM]

That is in line with our experience in, NorCal at least. Doesn’t seem to be that way where we live in VA.

 

[amiandjim]

Definitely not normal in our area.

 

[CLgym]

I would say not normal in my limited experience. In fact, HC at current gym recently learned that one of her gymnasts had tried out a different gym. I am friends with the family and was pleasantly surprised to learn that HC chatted briefly with the parents to share what she had heard, and to let them know it was absolutely their right to shop around. HC hoped they would stay (gymnast is quite good), but also said she wants her families to feel comfortable with their gym choice and understands that might mean exploring other options sometimes. Gymnast ended up staying put.

When we switched gyms, old gym was very good about it (granted, we were leaving an Xcel team in order to try JO). Offered to let my DD stay through May since we had pre-paid, and even invited her back a few weeks after leaving to attend an informal end-of-season pizza party at gym.

I'm sorry you have had such negative experiences! I've heard stories like it on CB before, but thankfully have never experienced anything like it...

 

[duyetanh]

Where we live? Why yes. Yes it is. You must be secret agent squirrel if you are considering a gym switch. And i do mean SECRET. I feel for those girls who go through this...it sucks.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

No not where we live.

 

[Peachy88]

That sounds like insecurity to me. The one story about the gym encouraging people to try other gyms is the sign of someone secure with their program and a healthy environment. (Notice girl stayed out.) i would say good riddens to those gyms!

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Not normal here. I would say this is a fairly small area with only 2 truly competitive gyms (was 3 but I think the third is all but closed...). The owners obviously know each other and have been known to call each other as a heads up (especially if it is a problem family) but honestly more often it is the kids that find out first. They have friends/former teammates at the other gym and word spreads quickly if someone visits the other....
The gyms have different philosophies and while it stinks losing a talented kid to the other gym, usually there’s a reason and it’s for the best. I would say it is completely personal and individual whether a kid would be welcomed back with open arms or not... there are girls we would love to work with again who left on good terms (just needing a change, or family situation or something) and there are girls who left on poor terms with problem parents that we would not accept back.

 

[beachgirl]

Not normal here. Girls have tried my daughter's gym only to return to their own gym. Others have left for a season and come back. When my daughter changed gyms the owner called and said she was welcome back anytime. We live in an area with a lot of gyms and families are moving all of the time. I've even seen a few cases where siblings are at different gyms.

 

[mls529]

I would say not normal in my limited experience. In fact, HC at current gym recently learned that one of her gymnasts had tried out a different gym. I am friends with the family and was pleasantly surprised to learn that HC chatted briefly with the parents to share what she had heard, and to let them know it was absolutely their right to shop around. HC hoped they would stay (gymnast is quite good), but also said she wants her families to feel comfortable with their gym choice and understands that might mean exploring other options sometimes. Gymnast ended up staying put.

Well, this is exactly how it should be! Good for that HC for being confident enough to approach the family and communicating openly.

To the OP, your situation sounds extreme. But I have heard less extreme versions of your same story. I believe it has been like that for many years. We live in a large metro with many gym options. When we moved from a larger, well-known gym in the area to a smaller gym, the owners at the new gym told me that "it is standard practice in the industry to call the original gym and let them know their gymnast is there." I am friendly with the owners so they said not to worry, they weren't going to do that in our case. For goodness sake, it is not like I have some Level 10/elite gymmie -- I had a level 5/6 going to Xcel!! I later learned that another gym I had called did indeed call our original gym. We had left on good terms from the old gym, but I still found the whole thing very strange.

 

[LindyHopper]

Not our experience in what i have seen in my area of Region 5. Girls have left gyms, gone elsewhere, and for whatever reason, returned to one of their previous gyms.

 

[Madden3]

Please say common (as in, is this common/uncommon.) There is nothing normal about a coach or gym penalizing a child/parent/family for changing gyms or considering changing gyms. Threatening permanent expulsion from a gym if the gymnast checks out another gym is deeply controlling. Deeply controlling behavior is a form of abuse. If a gym has to use threats to hold onto their gymnasts, there is obviously something very wrong with the gym.

We were told that we were kicked off the team and never allowed to so much as set foot on the property of her gym.

Cue "Psycho" music

 

[duyetanh]

Please say common (as in, is this common/uncommon.) There is nothing normal about a coach or gym penalizing a child/parent/family for changing gyms or considering changing gyms. Threatening permanent expulsion from a gym if the gymnast checks out another gym is deeply controlling. Deeply controlling behavior is a form of abuse. If a gym has to use threats to hold onto their gymnasts, there is obviously something very wrong with the gym.


Cue "Psycho" music

I get it. But it happens. Luckily our gym doesnt act like this, but the other gyms around the area are pretty cutthroat...which is probably why we arent at those gyms, lol!

 

[Aussie_coach]

Wow, that is crazy. These gym owners are cutting their nose of despite their face. It seems very immature like saying to the kids "you didnt leave, we kicked you out". And definetly a sign they are insecure about the quality of their own program. So instead of improving their program they try to make their gymnasts to scared to try somewhere else.

 

[twinmomma]

That is in line with our experience in, NorCal at least. Doesn’t seem to be that way where we live in VA.

It hasn't been our experience in this area of NorCal. Bay Area I think is much more cutthroat. We've been at three gyms and done so not all under our own choice, even when we were looking prior to leaving. DD has a prior coach who was blacklisted however. As for the athletes around here, it's a pretty small community and if the coaches acted like that none of the gyms would have any kids LOL.

 

[Madden3]

I get it. But it happens. Luckily our gym doesnt act like this, but the other gyms around the area are pretty cutthroat...which is probably why we arent at those gyms, lol!

My point was not that it does not happen. My point was it is not normal. In fact, it is exceedingly disturbing. You have voted with your feet and do not have your child at one of these types of gyms even thought this practice is common in your area. That is great and part of the solution. What I would also like to see is more parents speaking out publically when a gym uses these types of abusive, threatening practices- talking about why this is wrong to the gym itself, to other gyms, to parents, to the BBB, and even to USAG or Safe Sport. And if a contract is required, make sure it is not overreaching, and if it is, do not sign it! Bring a lawyer into it to look over the contract and make changes if needed.

I have seen over and over on this site, primarily for parents of WAG gymnasts, that at times parents are afraid of reprisals from the gyms. This suggests far too much enmeshment going on- very unhealthy, especially for what should be a straightforward business relationship. Parents- you pay the bills. You are the boss. This is a business relationship. Empower yourselves to speak up. If you are afraid of your gym something is very wrong.

 

[duyetanh]

My point was not that it does not happen. My point was it is not normal. In fact, it is exceedingly disturbing. You have voted with your feet and do not have your child at one of these types of gyms even thought this practice is common in your area. That is great and part of the solution. What I would also like to see is more parents speaking out publically when a gym uses these types of abusive, threatening practices- talking about why this is wrong to the gym itself, to other gyms, to parents, to the BBB, and even to USAG or Safe Sport. And if a contract is required, make sure it is not overreaching, and if it is, do not sign it! Bring a lawyer into it to look over the contract and make changes if needed.
I have seen over and over on this site, primarily for parents of WAG gymnasts, that at times parents are afraid of reprisals from the gyms. This suggests far too much enmeshment going on- very unhealthy, especially for what should be a straightforward business relationship. Parents- you pay the bills. You are the boss. This is a business relationship. Empower yourselves to speak up. If you are afraid of your gym something is very wrong.

I love the walking with the feet comment, it's awesome. I get it, and hear you. And I agree it is NOT good. And I am glad my kid isn't in that kind of an environment. But honestly some of the parents at those gyms want this type of environment for their children. I do not get it nor do I understand it, but one of the moms who came to our gym from another one said that parents would actually tell the coaches to yell at their kid and punish them if they didn't do the skills. It's really awful. Hopefully with all that has happened in U.S. gymnastics within the past year, some of the parents at these crazy gyms will someday see the light and realize that they need to speak out and defend their children, not support an unhealthy gym environment. Fingers crossed.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I don't think it is common in the area, however it was common with the gym we left (8 years ago). We were able to hide the fact we had looked and totally caught them by surprise. But the rest of my dd's team that had looked were immediately kicked out. And their credit cards continued to be charged even after they were kicked out. And yes there were then lawsuits.

 

[GymMom4]

Where we live? Why yes. Yes it is. You must be secret agent squirrel if you are considering a gym switch. And i do mean SECRET. I feel for those girls who go through this...it sucks.

It is bad here, too, but there aren't a lot of gyms that do AA. Somehow our gym found out dd tried the other place and the current gym treated us badly. Dd never went back to practice there and is happy at the new gym.

 

[Madden3]

But honestly some of the parents at those gyms want this type of environment for their children. I do not get it nor do I understand it, but one of the moms who came to our gym from another one said that parents would actually tell the coaches to yell at their kid and punish them if they didn't do the skills. It's really awful. Hopefully with all that has happened in U.S. gymnastics within the past year, some of the parents at these crazy gyms will someday see the light and realize that they need to speak out and defend their children, not support an unhealthy gym environment. Fingers crossed.

Ok yes, I do not think we are in any way in disagreement.

But I fear this is only going to happen if we are vigilant about spreading the understanding of what cultures of abuse look like. It's being ok with (or even encouraging of) the little things (controlling behavior, threats, yelling, telling parents to not be "too involved" or not to watch practice etc.) that normalizes/paves the way for the big things (physical and sexual abuse.) Normalizing these controlling cultures will tend (and has tended) to allow very serious and ongoing abuse to happen. And yes, there are always going to be parents who are either too driven or too naïve to understand these connections- to not understand how they may be being manipulated. But the more parents who can inform themselves about abusive cultures and be strong and firm on rejecting this behavior by gyms and coaches, the more overall safety there will be for all the kids.