Parents Moms Who Critique Other Kids: A Short Vent

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KipNurse

Proud Parent
Any other moms encounter these moms?
First of all I'll start by saying I watch my kid about 1-2 hours out of about 20 hours of practice a week. So, my experience is limited in my encounters.
However...
I hear moms talk about children...that are not theirs. And also, I'll have to clarify they aren't usually talking in a complimentary manner (wouldn't that be nice?).
It is usually commentary on:
A child's rough practice. Said in a way that is not at all concerned, but rather slightly pleased to see another child struggle that is not theirs.
A child's/parent's scheduling of private lessons. How many...what skills...their intentions/motivations.
A child's growth spurt...again, you and I both know that growth isn't exactly a positive in this sport. And the moms I hear talking about this are usually commenting on a girl's height change and her...ahem...development. Which we all know is code for "Suzie is no longer teeny tiny and is now a giant in the world of gymnastics and has now GOD FORBID shown she is normal and is developing. Her gymnastics career is now over as she can no longer fit in her mom's pocket and also is actually starting to look her age. So sad. (Again, not at all concerned...simply giddy at the misfortune this child has of being normal).
A child's "ugly" skills. Ugly leaps. Ugly tumbling. Ugly bar form. Yes...using the word "ugly".
And of course most of this is done in comparison to their child (who is inevitably the best and clearly overlooked).
I will actually say I've heard some moms go as far to straight up just comment on a child's appearance. Straight up mean girl stuff I see in some of these moms.
And in my defense, I try my best to a. stay away or b. steer the conversation to positives
Why a vent? Well...because that's kind of what chalkbucket is, right? To hash things out...to hear other mom's perspective...etc.
Also, the sad part of me knows if I hear a mom talking about other kids, they are most certainly talking about my child when I am not around. And as strong as I think I am, this bums me out. Makes me sad to think some people are waiting to see my child struggle (which she has, is, and will continue to do).
And maybe also to put it out there to all of us...
Be kind. Focus on your kid. There is room out there for all of them, and when one child fails or struggles, this should never bring you some sort of personal satisfaction.
That's all.
I feel better now. :)
 
That is most unfortunate but I feel like entirely too common. A friend of mine told me a story about how her mom was at Gym had a hat on was just sitting minding her own business--then two moms behind her start talking bad about her daughter (who was in practice) and her as a mom. Just chit chatting being catty and all the kinds of nastiness you describe above with no clue that the person they were talking about was right in front of them. She said when they were done talking her mom just got up and turned around and looked at them---they had the common sense to look horrified as they realized she heard everything they said then she just left the waiting room.

She has way more restraint then I--I would of had some choice words for them if I heard them disparaging me and my daughter. Its women like that who give women a bad name :mad:
 
How many moms are doing this? How big is your team and what level child are they talking about?
 
That is most unfortunate but I feel like entirely too common. A friend of mine told me a story about how her mom was at Gym had a hat on was just sitting minding her own business--then two moms behind her start talking bad about her daughter (who was in practice) and her as a mom. Just chit chatting being catty and all the kinds of nastiness you describe above with no clue that the person they were talking about was right in front of them. She said when they were done talking her mom just got up and turned around and looked at them---they had the common sense to look horrified as they realized she heard everything they said then she just left the waiting room.

She has way more restraint then I--I would of had some choice words for them if I heard them disparaging me and my daughter. Its women like that who give women a bad name :mad:
Sad story for sure. I know none of us are perfect...this is a cut throat sport. Cheesy as it sounds, I think the change just has to come from some of us moms. Change the vibe...go out of our way to talk positive...be strong when we hear ugly talk. It's classic mean girl move, and I think even in some gyms, there is a "clique" mentality. And to "fit in" some moms may just go along with the ugly talk...or not do anything about it.
 
Any other moms encounter these moms?
Used to at the old gym, but current gym doesn't put up with that stuff. You'll find another gym if you keep it up.

A child's rough practice. Said in a way that is not at all concerned, but rather slightly pleased to see another child struggle that is not theirs.
Poorly expressed relief that their kid isn't the only one that struggles.
A child's/parent's scheduling of private lessons. How many...what skills...their intentions/motivations.
Uncertainty about their own choices, and openly wondering if someone else has better insight. Again, poorly expressed.

A child's growth spurt...again, you and I both know that growth isn't exactly a positive in this sport. And the moms I hear talking about this are usually commenting on a girl's height change and her...ahem...development. Which we all know is code for "Suzie is no longer teeny tiny and is now a giant in the world of gymnastics and has now GOD FORBID shown she is normal and is developing. Her gymnastics career is now over as she can no longer fit in her mom's pocket and also is actually starting to look her age. So sad. (Again, not at all concerned...simply giddy at the misfortune this child has of being normal).
A child's "ugly" skills. Ugly leaps. Ugly tumbling. Ugly bar form. Yes...using the word "ugly".
I will actually say I've heard some moms go as far to straight up just comment on a child's appearance. Straight up mean girl stuff I see in some of these moms.
Really misplaced vocalizations, even misplaced thoughts.

And of course most of this is done in comparison to their child (who is inevitably the best and clearly overlooked).
Ha! My own lack of self confidence spills over to my kids. I'm consistently surprised when my kids do well because my inclination is to think that everyone else is better.

On the above, I'm not really excusing any of it, just trying to recognize the underlying fears and emotions that lead to their expression. A lot of the time, alleviating that fear can lead to a much more pleasant experience with that person.
 
How many moms are doing this? How big is your team and what level child are they talking about?
You know, I'll not say too much. And the reason is this...there is NO way this is unique to our gym. No way. I think it is the ugly side to a competitive individual sport. And, I also know this isn't probably unique to gymnastics. I just wanted to maybe put it out there to vent and to also maybe remind any of us to keep our wits about us. I'm sure we've all had our moments...this has just been weighing on me a long time, and wanted to get it off my chest. :)
 
Used to at the old gym, but current gym doesn't put up with that stuff. You'll find another gym if you keep it up.


Poorly expressed relief that their kid isn't the only one that struggles.

Uncertainty about their own choices, and openly wondering if someone else has better insight. Again, poorly expressed.


Really misplaced vocalizations, even misplaced thoughts.


Ha! My own lack of self confidence spills over to my kids. I'm consistently surprised when my kids do well because my inclination is to think that everyone else is better.

On the above, I'm not really excusing any of it, just trying to recognize the underlying fears and emotions that lead to their expression. A lot of the time, alleviating that fear can lead to a much more pleasant experience with that person.
Agree with all of your comments wallinbl. Your comment of "my own lack of self confidence" spilling over to your kid is of course something many of us have felt. I question my decisions daily.
Poorly expressed is a fabulous way of explaining it, and I'll try to keep that in mind. ;-) Heck, even my post is possibly Poorly expressed worry that people are talking about my kid. Perhaps uncertainty about the environment I am exposing myself and my child to.
Deep thoughts...I think I need to lay on a couch and talk this out.
Kidding...
Thanks chalkbucket peeps. Good to hear perspective.
 
You know, I'll not say too much. And the reason is this...there is NO way this is unique to our gym. No way. I think it is the ugly side to a competitive individual sport. And, I also know this isn't probably unique to gymnastics. I just wanted to maybe put it out there to vent and to also maybe remind any of us to keep our wits about us. I'm sure we've all had our moments...this has just been weighing on me a long time, and wanted to get it off my chest. :)
Yep, I get it. Not trying to make excuses for them because this happens at all levels. I loved all of wallinbl's responses because that is what I was ultimately getting at. If they are newbie parents, this is an attempt to make themselves feel better about their kids and their choices. Even if they are seasoned parents, it's still an attempt to make themselves feel better. There does come a point when as your child moves up, things get harder, younger kids come along and are really successful, etc. So many things to consider.

Glad you feel better at unloading all this! You are not alone!
 
Happens at our gym all the time. Yep.
One time I was wearing my winter stuff and a few 'hens' were clucking away about my kid's struggle....I literally had got there half hour before practice ended and was exhausted and just sat down....they were behind me. I let it go for a few minutes, and then turned around and said, "You do realize that's my child you are mocking, correct? Perhaps tact would be in order."
This was two years ago. The one woman still has trouble making eye contact with me whenever our paths cross(they rarely do) and is still choking on her shoe....
I don't engage in drama. I squash it. Yes, this sadly is a gym culture for parents at some gyms, and yes it exists. But the few minutes I go in the gym for whatever reason (and yes we have wifi, so on bad weather days I do my grad work courses in the corner at the back table, woo hoo!) I do not need to hear my kid bashed. I honestly don't want to hear any kid bashed. Word got out....the ones who bash do so much quieter when I walk in....
 
Yes, exactly why I don't stay at practice.

Hate.It.
 
Well, let me ask this then -- does it ever go in the other direction? It's not unheard of in my kids' gym to hear parents converse about how far Jan has come or how much cleaner Julio's skills are. We often tend to notice and focus too much on the negative while ignoring the positive. When I'm in the gym, I do hear parents talking positively about kids, especially kids who've struggled.
 
Good thing Dads don't get involved in this kind of talko_O

My husband is always completely perplexed. As he does pick up and hangs with the other Dads on pickups. And they are completely uninvolved.

He really just doesn't understand what I experience. As a "mom" I have to navigate the clique Queen Bee crud, so as not to have it involve my kid. If it was just me, I could a rats backside.

He has been known to use some not so nice words to describe a couple of Moms.
 
Well, let me ask this then -- does it ever go in the other direction? It's not unheard of in my kids' gym to hear parents converse about how far Jan has come or how much cleaner Julio's skills are. We often tend to notice and focus too much on the negative while ignoring the positive. When I'm in the gym, I do hear parents talking positively about kids, especially kids who've struggled.

Can only speak for myself. And yes there is positive too. But that is a different kind of parent.

The Queen Bees, would rather die before saying something nice. And on the rare occasions they do, its usually because if they don't they would look bad, by not saying it.
So if so and so got a big skill and everyone is chatting it up, they'll chime in but otherwise, no way.
 
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Well, let me ask this then -- does it ever go in the other direction? It's not unheard of in my kids' gym to hear parents converse about how far Jan has come or how much cleaner Julio's skills are. We often tend to notice and focus too much on the negative while ignoring the positive. When I'm in the gym, I do hear parents talking positively about kids, especially kids who've struggled.
At our gym, there is a lot of positivist talk... And cheering from everyone when a kid gets, say, a kip... And by everyone, I mean all the people in the gym - parents, coaches, gymnasts.
We do notice when a child has been struggling and when they get past the struggles we are happy for them.
 
Can only speak for myself. And yes there is positive too. But that is a different kind of parent.

The Queen Bees, would rather die before saying something nice. And on the rare occasions they do, its usually because if they don't they would look bad, by not saying it.
So if so and so got a big skill and everyone is chatting it up, they'll chime in but otherwise, no way.
Ever notice some of the Queen Bees are also on their best behavior when the coaches are around? That is always funny to see. Except, I know and you know, the coaches are onto their game as well. This isn't their first rodeo.
 

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