Parents Navigating mean girl drama

[RTT2]

DD is in third grade on currently on Xcel Bronze. She is in class with a girl who goes to the same gym and is on L3, and we frequently carpool b/c their practice times overlap. Over the course of this year the other girl has gotten increasingly nasty to DD in school. She announced to the class earlier in the week that she was so happy she'd never have to move to Xcel Bronze "because it's soooo easy", and yesterday was listing the skills she can do that she believes DD cannot. I've heard a lot of this stuff firsthand during carpooling when she announces that she is the best on the team at various skills and will tell DD "You can do ____, well I can do that one handed!" etc.

DD is a pretty quiet, sensitive kid and I realize we're only at the beginning of dealing with some of the mean girl stuff that comes up and I need to help her navigate it. But, I'm sick of carpooling with this kid and not sure how to tactfully bow out. Her mom and I are friendly, but not close enough for me to feel comfortable talking this out- guessing she'll go on the defensive (plus, I realize there are always two sides to any story).

Second thing is, DD is moving to JO after states in May. We aren't saying anything to anyone until she shows up for practice the Monday after states, but she is really hoping this girl isn't going to be nasty to her once they are practicing together, or say unkind things about her to the other JO girls who she has already been training with all year.

Typing it out, I realize it sounds a little silly- it's kid drama, but I want to help DD deal with this deal in a positive way and not allow the nastiness to impact her joy at getting to move over to JO. Any tips/advice/experiences that might help? Thanks!

 

[suebee]

When you drive and hear the other kid say mean stuff to your dd, do you say anything?

I think if I were in that situation and I were there to witness some of the issues (as opposed to if they are all happening out of your presence), I would model for your dd some stuff she could say to that child. For example, if she says that Xcel Bronze is so easy, a possible response would be, "Did you know that in Bronze, you're allowed to do a ROBHS, just like in L3?" You could further explain that in Xcel, there a wide variety of difficulty of skills that are allowed at each level and that one of the advantages is that as you improve, you can put more difficult skills into your routine, unlike compulsories.

If she says that she can do ___ one-handed, I would perhaps say something like, "I do not see any one-handed skills in L3 or L4 other than a roundoff. Are those skills you are working on in gym?"

I also have no qualms about nicely telling a kid who is being a jerk that what they're saying is not nice or that their comments are insensitive to others, or they're making someone feel bad. Kind of like what a teacher would say if she heard inappropriate comments in her classroom. Most kids will stop it at that immediate point. (I run a kid activity and have a lot of experience with kids. My kids' friends often ask me if I'm a teacher, which I am not, but I probably manage other kids when they come over to our house a lot like a teacher would or like the activity I run, which nips a lot of problem behavior in the bud at that time, although with some kids it is a recurring issue.)

I think if you're doing all those things and it's continuing, I would potentially directly say to the other kid something like, "I notice you seem to be putting down Bronze a lot. It makes (your dd) feel bad because she does Bronze. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the L4 or L5 girls were putting you down because you're only a L3 and they can do more skills than you."

I would probably also talk to your dd about things she could say to this kid if stuff like this comes up at school. My dd is also shy, so she needs some modeling and coaching for what to say in uncomfortable situations.

I would also ask your kid how the other kid's mom responds when other kid says similar stuff when other mom drives. If she doesn't say that stuff in front of her mom, maybe it's because mom wouldn't tolerate it, and then talking to mom might help. If mom lets her talk meanly, then talking to mom may not help.

 

[RTT2]

Thanks, suebee! These are some great suggestions! DD says the other girl isn't mean when her mother is driving, so maybe approaching her mom is a good idea. I have spoken to DD about possible responses, but so far she hasn't feel comfortable speaking up for herself. I'm probably being too passive when I am driving them to practice and could do more to gently shut down the "I can do everything better than you" type of comments.

 

[Tigtimes]

So had a carpool with CGM kid. Made car a gymnastics free zone, no talking about skills or gym at all only way we both survived it. Think in the end the CGM kid found great relief in it

 

[kayjaybe]

Unfortunately, your child is going to run into other mean kids in the future and you won't always be there to help, so I love that you are trying to find coping strategies for her.

One thing I've always talked to my girls about with mean kids is that sometimes a child hurts inside themselves and the only way they THINK they can feel better is to put others down and that is kind of sad. They hurt, so they want others to hurt, thinking that will make it better, but it doesn't work.

I would ask them to think about a time when they were mean to someone (because every kid has been mean at some point - especially to a sibling!) How did it make them feel? Did it make them feel better to be mean? (The answer has always been no).

On the other hand, when they said something nice to someone - how did it make them feel? (The answer has always been good.)

I wrap up with that it is sad that little Susie must hurt so much that she is trying to hurt others. If they want, they could try responding nicely to Susie (like when she brags about being L3 - that's great you are that level. I've seen you at practice and you're really good.) Or, at if they don't want to do that, at least when they are ignoring her mean comments, they know it is more about Susie and how she hurts than about them.

 

[l.c.o]

I agree with much of what @suebee said.

First, I'd likely try to shut it down in the car - gently call attention to her negative comments. I say this mostly because it's carrying over to school. Letting her know it's not kind or appropriate may help prevent the behavior in the future. Second, I'd mention whatever you say to the girl to the girls' mom, cause it's likely to get back to her. It would be a great opening toward discussion. "just FYI, your Susie made some comments today which made my DD and I uncomfortable, and I acknowledged them..."

I may even consider interjecting a comment about the possibility of them ending up in the same group and wanting to avoid tension.

But honestly, how the other gym mom and her gym kid respond will dictate how it goes from there.

But also instilling a "no gym talk in the car" rule, as others have suggested, would be helpful. But I don't think it would address things at school in itself. Unfortunately, the school drama is still likely to happen anyway... if it wasn't about gymnastics, it would be something else. Teaching your DD to try to stick up for herself in a positive way would be a good thing. That said, I also have a shy, quiet kid, so I know how challenging that can be for them. Good luck!

 

[GymCMLA]

I use a lot of "everyone is working on something" so while your dd may be working on x skill, other girl is working on being humble skills etc. It allows the kids (and grown ups) to try to see others journeys...and fosters empathy.
I do like the gymnastics free zone for the car...that is brilliant.

 

[duyetanh]

Thanks, suebee! These are some great suggestions! DD says the other girl isn't mean when her mother is driving, so maybe approaching her mom is a good idea. I have spoken to DD about possible responses, but so far she hasn't feel comfortable speaking up for herself. I'm probably being too passive when I am driving them to practice and could do more to gently shut down the "I can do everything better than you" type of comments.

If this was happening in my car, I would definitely shoot it down. Imho the girl is testing to see what she can do in your car. It speaks well for her mom if she isn't doing it in her own car. But no, I wouldn't let this happen in my presence.

 

[Kristie]

Mean girl drama is awful! I've tried to equip my girl with knowledge on how to handle mean girls for a few years now. She's in 4th grade so it's really started to increase this year. I try to tell her that when they say hurtful things to her, it's because they are trying to make themselves feel better by knocking her down and that her best defense is to not react. It's really hard to do it, but bully's cant bully someone who refuses to be bullied.

I also taught her to say "Quit being a bully" to call the girl out. Many bully's will stop if they know the person isn't affected by it.

Also, I'd definitely say something to her about her behavior. I like the no gym talk in the car thing or you can say we don't need to compare skills because we're on the same team.

Good luck. This stinks!

 

[klv8]

Ugh. Mean girl drama frustrates me so much, and it's so hard to know what to say or how to say it. I think setting boundaries for what type of conversation happens in your car is a great place to start, whether that's no gym talk at all, or something like; "in this car, we only say things that are encouraging to one another." Maybe there's a way to redirect it in a positive way, and if this talk is stemming from the little girl's own insecurities, the emphasis on encouragement could be good for her too.

 

[e'smum]

i agree with making your car a gymnastics free zone is a good start. and also talking to the mom and being nice but blunt about how it makes your dd feel when her dd says stuff like that. honestly, if it were my dd, i'd want to know that she was busy building herself up by putting someone else down. my kid might find herself an ex-gymnast. i won't stand for that - i've made that abundantly clear to all 3 of my kids in general.

and yes, this could very well continue when she moves over to JO. i've seen it first hand - not the moving from xcel to JO but the carpool ride talk moving into the gym. it needs to be shut down or it could move like wildfire onto other girls doing trash talk to where you get 3 or 4 putting one girl down. (yup, seen it happen) luckily our HC caught wind of it and gave them all a stern talking to.

 

[amiandjim]

I drive the carpool with 6-7 gymnasts who are between 6-9 years-old and let me tell you, those girls can say some mean things. Half the time I don't think they even realize how they sound! Anyway, I do not tolerate meanness of any kind in my car and will immediately call out whichever girl is responsible (my own child included) and then we all talk about what it means to be teammates and friends. I tell them there are enough people in the world who will want to bring them down and as friends, they should be building one another up!

Now, it's entirely possible this girl is really a mean girl (we do have a couple of those in our gym as well.) but I think in our case it's often just the girls being competitive gymnasts and being excited about things they are doing and learning. I try to teach them how to be proud without putting others down....it's still a struggle some days but they are MUCH better than they used to be!

 

[Really]

Typing it out, I realize it sounds a little silly- it's kid drama,

It's not silly at all. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I can tell you that that kind of talk needs to be addressed seriously, immediately, and each time it occurs. I'm probably more comfortable than you are talking to kids about this sort of behavior but (if I was feeling nice and not totally fed up with the kid yet) I would say something like, "When you say that you're happy that you don't have to move to Xcel Bronze to somebody who is Excel Bronze, how do you think that makes the other person feel?" Wait through uncomfortable silence till the kid replies with something like "sad/bad" and then I would call her on it: "So do you mean to make (other kid's name here) feel bad?" She will probably say no, even if she did. In which case I would say, "That's good, because (other kid) is your teammate, and that's not how we treat teammates. Try to be aware of how your words might sound to others, because words are powerful."

If it happened again, I would not be so nice: "That sounds like you are putting (other kid) down. Are you being a good teammate right now?" [accompanied by pointed stare] I would also definitely have a talk with the other girl's mom, and ask the girls' coaches to talk about what being a good teammate is, just so everyone is on the same page.

 

[bogwoppit]

It's not silly at all. I'm an elementary school teacher, and I can tell you that that kind of talk needs to be addressed seriously, immediately, and each time it occurs. I'm probably more comfortable than you are talking to kids about this sort of behavior but (if I was feeling nice and not totally fed up with the kid yet) I would say something like, "When you say that you're happy that you don't have to move to Xcel Bronze to somebody who is Excel Bronze, how do you think that makes the other person feel?" Wait through uncomfortable silence till the kid replies with something like "sad/bad" and then I would call her on it: "So do you mean to make (other kid's name here) feel bad?" She will probably say no, even if she did. In which case I would say, "That's good, because (other kid) is your teammate, and that's not how we treat teammates. Try to be aware of how your words might sound to others, because words are powerful."

If it happened again, I would not be so nice: "That sounds like you are putting (other kid) down. Are you being a good teammate right now?" [accompanied by pointed stare] I would also definitely have a talk with the other girl's mom, and ask the girls' coaches to talk about what being a good teammate is, just so everyone is on the same page.

This is a very effective method and much better than closing down gym chat in the car. The child needs to know you do not tolerate that, you are aware and that you will make her own her poor behaviour. That will likely close it down in the school and the gym because the child will not want you to hear of it happening.

 

[GYM0M]

You've been given some great suggestions and advice so far and I agree that this needs to be nipped in the bud one way or another. I have always told my kids that bully behavior, more often than not, is a result of the bully's own self esteem/confidence issues. I also tell them that they cannot control the actions of others and discourage them from falling into a war of words. They can only control how they allow the bully behavior to affect them and that how they respond speaks to their own character.

 

[Sasha]

Whether it was my kid making the put-down comments (intentionally malicious or not), or another person's kid, I'd shut that down fast and firm. No excuses. Lots of great suggestions above on how to do that maturely.

I'll add that as parents, we model behavior for our kids of course. So if we 'ignore' the bullying comments in the car because of some fear of what the child, or an adult (like this bully's mom) might think of us or what consequence it might have, then what does that teach our child? We tell our kids to be "upstanders" not "bystanders" when they see bullying behavior. We need to remember to do the same.

 

[RTT2]

Whether it was my kid making the put-down comments (intentionally malicious or not), or another person's kid, I'd shut that down fast and firm. No excuses. Lots of great suggestions above on how to do that maturely.

I'll add that as parents, we model behavior for our kids of course. So if we 'ignore' the bullying comments in the car because of some fear of what the child, or an adult (like this bully's mom) might think of us or what consequence it might have, then what does that teach our child? We tell our kids to be "upstanders" not "bystanders" when they see bullying behavior. We need to remember to do the same.

Good point.

 

[gymmom11]

My daughter is 8 and level3. She has undergone some of the mean girl stuff as well... from her own teammates! She is not the only one... I know part of it is the age (7-10) because as a teacher we deal with this constantly at school in this age range. Part of it is insecurity from the bullying or teasing girls. It's a life lesson for your daughter.. not everyone is going to be polite and nice, and some people will tease you or say mean things to make themselves feel better. It's tough as a parent to watch your child endure such painful comments, however it is important to teach your daughter to shake it off. In addition, teaching her to stand up for herself while being polite is equally important.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I squash that crud like bugs. And its unlikely she will be changing.

Have you spoken to the mother of said child???

I also recommend the book Little Girls Can Be Mean............

 

[bogwoppit]

Queen bees and wannabees is always a great read