For Parents Need Advice- How to responde to DD on Mental Blocks, Frustration, etc

[balancedmom]

HI all-- Need some real advice (or someone to smack me upside the head)...long story made short as possible...

DD has always had mental blocks and always struggled to do skills. However, she has always pulled through and gotten the skills eventually, and last year instead of being stressed out at meets and faltering, the meets kicked her into gear and she was able to do her skills well. However, she had multiple injuries last year, and this year balked on tumbling, had concussion and was out for 2 months. Back in gym past month, says she wants to compete the last couple of meets at L7, where she was supposed to be competing this year.

Here is the problem-- she continues to have mental blocks on skills she has had for a long time-- BHS on beam, last night, she said on giants. She is very frustrated with herself, says she has been crying at practice out of frustration with herself.

I need advice, because I don't know what to do/say. Any response I give is met with her getting more upset. I think this is likely the beginning of the end for her-- she just cant seem to get over her mental blocks--but she keeps saying she wants to continue. I certainly am not going to make her quit, but at this point, she seems to be more frustrated and upset than having fun. I just don't know what to do to help support her. This is an activity for her--we are not hoping for any particular outcome-- we just want her to be happy, having fun, building confidence. I am just at my wits end.

thanks for any input

 

[DND]

Sometimes no words are best. Listen, love and let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

 

[kayjaybe]

Watching this thread closely, because I'd love to know, too. I've tried it all:
- Not asking/talking about gym at all
- Asking only about something I know is going well
- Talking in more general terms "did you have fun?" (Um, no...because balking on everything)
- Making light of it "oh, you'll get it back, I'm not worried"
- Being uplifting/encouraging - I believe in you!

None of it works with my dd. Only positive thing is that she has been through blocks before and has always overcome them. That's what I reminded her after a tough practice Tuesday where she balked on all 4 events (with a meet this weekend....and now they may not let her compete anything.)

 

[Gymdad2]

Maybe you should consult with her coach(es) and get their input.

 

[LizzieLac]

We have had periods of this, for sure! For us, more talking was always the worst. I let DD vent, I say not much, just "yes, I can see what you're saying, hang in there, etc." But what I did do for a while when it was at its worst, was I told her she could say anything she wanted to me BUT she HAD to tell me 2 good things she did in practice that day. Sometimes, what she came up with was "forced" but it made her recognize any improvement and stop being so hard on herself.

 

[Ali'sMom]

We too have had this phase. In October I thought for sure we wouldn't make it to meet season in January.
Lots of hugs.
One thing I would ask is "How are you feeling right now?" it was almost always "frustrated", but she followed it up with all of the uncertainty that was in her head. She was able to vent.

All I can say is I'm sending you a virtual hug because I know how much this sucks. My DD is L6, had the BWO on beam for over a year. Lost it in August and hasn't found it yet. HC took it right out of the routine, and she's much happier. I don't think she will ever find it again. And she hasn't even thought to look for the BHS for L7. This might be the end for her this year, but maybe not, if HC let's her do other skills.

I've helped her with words to use in her head when she's getting frustrated. I've caught her saying "llama llama duck" outloud, and she smiles. This is from some odd youtube video with a song about llamas, and somewhere it says "but I'd rather be a duck". Then to "let it roll off you like water off the back of a duck", and we put it together to "Llama llama duck", and she can soemtimes reset her frustration. If there's anything you and/or she says that you could formulate into a "reset" that might help the frustration.

Good luck!!

 

[NutterButter]

Maybe it is the beginning of the end, maybe it isn't. I don't think it's unreasonable to have some difficulty coming back after being out of the gym for 2 months, especially for a kid who has fears or is more cautious and that doesn't even factor in the previous setbacks with her other injuries. I realize there are many gymnasts who would bounce right back in and somehow manage to get new skills after an absence, but I can tell you that with my DD, all of this would have a cumulative effect. Your DD has really been through a lot! It also sounds like she might be putting herself under pressure because she wants to compete the rest of the season. I think I said this in another thread, my DD is most successful dealing with her fears when she feels like she is in control. I'm willing to bet, your DD doesn't feel like she is in control right now (every practice the clock is ticking for the meet). I would talk to the coaches and get their feedback. I would help your DD realize that she is in control. Maybe the goal is to compete 1 event or whatever feels attainable. Have you talked to her coaches? Are they having your DD start with basics then working back up to the skill (is your DD comfortable doing BHS on floor beam?)

When my DD has had her most frustrating nights, I've made it a point to say as little as possible other than "I'm sorry you had a rough night". It's hard when you know you can't fix your kid's problems. :-( I will also often ask her to tell me one thing that went well. Almost always, there is SOMETHING that did go well. The key is getting DD to not dwell or magnify whatever wasn't going well.

BTW - I totally can relate to what you are going through. My DD ended L5 with a broken foot late 2014. Came back and almost immediately sprained the other foot. 2 months later she sprained her finger. She was finally back on track and starting to move past some of her fears when she got a concussion and was out for several weeks. She scratched bars the first couple meets.

 

[l.c.o]

My daughter had quite a rough fall with beam (lots of falls, ended up with multiple blocks), and while she has been making progress, she still isn't quite over it. I don't know that she will ever be.

Anyway, my recommendation is: Hugs. Lots of them. Just hug her. Listen to her vent. Give her space when she needs it. Remind her often that you love her no matter what happens. Remind her how far she's come already. Let her know it's ok to keep going, and let her know it's ok to decide not to. Let her know that there's no rush this season, and that it's ok if she does level 7 next year.

As heartbreaking as it is, there is absolutely nothing else you can really do.

If you're so inclined, you may want to try Doc Ali's workbooks for her, but I'm not 100% sure whether it helped my DD all that much (beyond being tangible "proof" that she wasn't/isn't alone in her struggle). Honestly, I think patience from everyone (coaching staff, family, and HERSELF) and time were the biggest helps. And those aforementioned hugs.

My DD missed being ready for level 7 this spring, and that's ok. There's always next year. Or not.

Good luck!

 

[balancedmom]

Thanks all-- especially those that have been in the same shoes. I know she is not alone.

I do think she is putting pressure on herself to go to the last couple of meets. I have told her she does not have to compete. I have told her she needs to go at her pace. She keeps saying she is 'behind' and I tell her gymnasts move at their own pace and most gymnasts don't ever get to optionals, let alone L7, but none of that seems to help her.

Her coaches are working with her. On BHS, they have her practicing a roundoff or dive-cartwheel. But she keeps trying for the BHS since she knows she can physically do it and nail it-- something in her head is just stopping her.

I am trying to be supportive, but when the sport becomes more frustration than fun, it is hard to watch. and I keep thinking that if it is so frustrating and she is having so much trouble, maybe it would be best to move on. I won't make that choice for her, but it is just tough to watch.

Thanks for the advice and support.

 

[flowerchild]

Best wishes for your DD. I know it is so painful to be the mom, and feel so helpless! I have been there!

Looks like this is the end for my DD... She's finishing the season, but She's done after it. The old mental blocks can get to be too much, sometimes, and just kill the passion.

 

[gracyomalley]

Hugs...hard to watch and parent when they struggle like this. DD is still touchy about gym and all the things she "used to do", got mad at her brother yesterday when he pointed out that even if it WAS allowed at her middle school cheer comps she "couldn't do her FHS - FP-FLO pass anymore because she was a quitter". I don't think she'll ever not have regrets for leaving gym due to frustration, circumstance and fears - but such is life sometimes.

One thing I would seriously think about, though, is vestibular issues esp. with your DDs concussion. DS had one last year and took about 3 months before he wasn't dizzy and off with some skills - even though on his follow up tests he seemed "normal". He's not one to be fearful but frankly still not doing his flyaway a year later (doing some old- fashioned wierd over the bar release dismount on HB for L8, and fine with giants, double backs, etc - but had no issues with flyaways before the concussion...).

One of the driving forces in DD issues was vestibuler and in her case I'm not sure if it was microconcussions, just growth related, or due to her recurrent ear infections and mastoiditis (she has an immune system issue and infections spread from sinuses and ear into her local bones - hospitalized or long term antibiotics several times throughout her gym career for this, including this summer when she finally gave up). In any case, she never worried about being hurt or was afraid of work, but she got "lost in space" on backward series on beam, and with twisting, sometimes just with swinging to a KCH on bars she's "see stars". Then frustration set in and fear of failure....

Young kids often can't express what they are experiencing and may not know what's normal, esp as they move up in skills, so your DD may be experiencing similar issues and not know that's what is telling her "not to go". In any case, pushing and working harder, wanting it more, etc don't help a bit if your brain is still healing/growing. Not much to do about it but step back to drills and give it time, but if this is an issue it helps for the kid to know its not their fault. Need a coach to be completely on board with supporting the athlete through it as well, and making sure ALL the team coaches understand what's going on with the kid - DD had some great coaching and some who had no idea what she was dealing with even when she was at practice on triple abx and couldn't hear out of one ear....seems the kid always hears the ONE coach/parent/friend who says "work harder" or "you don't want it" or "just go back a level then" and not all those supporting them ....

 

[flowerchild]

Gracey, I feel you there. DD never had an injury or accident. The skill " just didn't feel right".
She had severe ear problems, deafness, multiple ear tubes as a baby/toddler, multiple ear infections. I'm pretty sure it was vestibular, but the coaches kept referring to her " fears".
They did all the right things as far as working drills, tumble track, resi, but I'm sure it beat her down mentally to be constantly reminded that she was " too scared".

At any rate, it's been a problem for 4 years, so I was starting to wonder if it would always be a problem. If it was a handicap, like any other handicap. I really got tired of hearing " it will just click someday".

I think DD got tired of that, too. We are both looking forward to exploring new opportunities she's never had time for.

 

[Orangesoda]

Maybe this is too broad, but I thought it an excellent read on communication and validation in general:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...tanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

 

[Deleted member D3987]

HI all-- Need some real advice (or someone to smack me upside the head)...long story made short as possible...

DD has always had mental blocks and always struggled to do skills. However, she has always pulled through and gotten the skills eventually, and last year instead of being stressed out at meets and faltering, the meets kicked her into gear and she was able to do her skills well. However, she had multiple injuries last year, and this year balked on tumbling, had concussion and was out for 2 months. Back in gym past month, says she wants to compete the last couple of meets at L7, where she was supposed to be competing this year.

Here is the problem-- she continues to have mental blocks on skills she has had for a long time-- BHS on beam, last night, she said on giants. She is very frustrated with herself, says she has been crying at practice out of frustration with herself.

I need advice, because I don't know what to do/say. Any response I give is met with her getting more upset. I think this is likely the beginning of the end for her-- she just cant seem to get over her mental blocks--but she keeps saying she wants to continue. I certainly am not going to make her quit, but at this point, she seems to be more frustrated and upset than having fun. I just don't know what to do to help support her. This is an activity for her--we are not hoping for any particular outcome-- we just want her to be happy, having fun, building confidence. I am just at my wits end.

thanks for any input

let it go. tell her no more talking about negative UNLESS she can add ONE positive that happened at practice. otherwise? then no talking about gym at all.

 

[Amanda Adams]

You should take her in positive way, because practice makes perfect. Tell her this is not the end of life, she can have many more opportunities in near future. Try to give her motherhood love.

 

[flowerchild]

DD is now officially "retired ", due to the ongoing mental blocks.

I won't say she's " quit" ....

because that kid probably wanted to tumble backwards more than anything, and she finally couldn't handle the stress of going to practice and the "will I or won't I?" (She was tumbling backwards but not consistently enough to compete on floor all season, so no state meet for her!).

She has said its a huge relief to not have to go to gymnastics.

However, I will have you know - she struggled for years.... My reaction ranged from super invested, paying for privates to get her confidence up, Doc Ali, Hypnotherapist, sports psychologist (1 st year) , moving to another gym, to complete uninvolvement ( never watched gymnastics, never came into the gym, never even asked how practice was. Basically made happy small talk when I picked her up).

I can assure you - NOTHING I did made a bit of difference in her sport. Where I did make a difference was listening to my daughter and making sure she was happy.

Good luck.

 

[poodlemomma]

My daughter and I talk about fear all the time. She usually doesn't realize that it is fear causing a block. I try to help her to see that it is fear. I tell her fear is a good thing. It keeps us alive in many situations. I tell her I can't over come the fear for her. Heck, I am afraid to just walk across a balance beam, let alone try to do even basic pre-school stuff on one. But if she wants to continue with gymnastics SHE has to find a way to overcome her fear. Sometimes this works quickly for her, other times it takes months. But once she realizes it is on her, I can see her mentally trying to work through it in her head. I have heard her having similar conversations with other girls who are experiencing blocks.

 

[rjb123]

I agree with poodle mama- I'll talk to DD about it. Often I think people don't want to admit the fear- to say it or own it. I live in the camp of name and claim. Saying it out loud has power-you can call it what it is, then begin to face it step by step.

 

[duyetanh]

I agree with poodle mama- I'll talk to DD about it. Often I think people don't want to admit the fear- to say it or own it. I live in the camp of name and claim. Saying it out loud has power-you can call it what it is, then begin to face it step by step.

This. If you don't face it, you never truly face it.

 

[rjb123]

Forgot to add- DD had a major injury that resulted in two surgeries to put her back together. She was really afraid of getting hurt again, but unwilling to quit. She's a talker and would go on about "what if" etc. I told her "you are afraid. That's ok. That's normal!" I had her say it out loud and claim it. It was like a weight just lifted off of her. Then as she worked through the fear I gave her little mantras to say to herself like "I can do this. I have done this lots before." "This is easy" "there is nothing to be afraid of" "coach x says I do this beautifully and I trust her." Etc. repeating these words helped start to absorb the positive things and move away from the fear. And the breakthrough came when she said "I did xyz today." I was like "wow, great job" and she literally said "oh I can do it! I've done it lots before! It's easy!"