Parents Other Parents...and me...

[mandkmom]

Ok - this is a bit of a rant. If you have advice, much appreciated. But really I need to get this out and I figure someone here will get it.

Also - I fully and totally understand this is my DDs sport. Thank goodness, I'd be dead if someone told me I needed to do a BHS on a 4" beam. But she does it. She loves it. She is happy. So I'm smiling and paying the bills.

My issue isn't about the sport, it's the parents. Specifically DDs current teammates parents.

I've survived CGMs (might have even been one during her Level 2 season) and girls (and the parents) coming and going and each year getting to know new parents and missing those that have left. I'm rarely in the gym so really my main interaction with other parents this season is at meets. And it's sucks.

DDs team (her level specifically) is made up of all girls she didn't compete with last year. So new parents - that's fine by me. I'm not looking for a new BFF, just fellow parents who get it. Who understand that although this is their sport, we have to sit in the convention center for 4 hours too. Let's make the best of it and in the end we will all be happier. A little team spirit helps everyone too.

I've tried to be nice...and talk to them and get to know them and the girls. But something isn't clicking. I don't know what happened last year (some of these girls competed together, some not) that maybe there was drama and now they are checked out?

Does it seem crazy that I am looking for a friendly word at a meet, perhaps sitting together and cheering for our girls? I don't know, maybe a team dinner at a pizza place when we are all out of town at a meet together wouldn't be too much to ask. I mean - we are all tired and stressed and I'll share my vino with you! I feel like this particular group of parents isn't just not friendly, they are the opposite. Two meets in and no one wants to do dinner (before or after a meet - don't they eat?), they don't sit together at the meet, and I seem to be the only parent telling the other girls good job and you rocked.

In DDs prior years the other moms were just nicer to each other and the kids. I had some friends (well, still friends but their DDs not on this team) and we at least knew there was someone else who got it. You know - "Wowzer, this meet is taking forever! Let's discuss our favorite leos!"

So - that's my rant. The moms aren't nice...to me. They aren't mean. They aren't excluding me from anything, they just seem totally unengaged. It's just a bizarre dynamic IMO. I'd like to enjoy the whole experience more and I know I would if I had a fellow mom or two to chill with. But as I stated, it's not about me. I know. But still...ugh.

 

[Sasha]

Having some audience buddies at meets is nice sometimes. I have to admit though, even though I have closely bonded with some families in the past, there are times when I just want to sit alone (or with my fam) and chill. Maybe the drive was long, or I know my kiddo is going through something, or I just have some unrelated thought problems to work through in my head. Or sometimes, honestly, the other parents sit somewhere I don't want to sit for viewing, so I sit where I have the view I want for video or whatever. Sometimes we have joined for pizza after, but sometimes, after a loooooong day of sitting in bleachers and my back killing me, I'm grumpy, don't want pizza again after having it 15 times this month for kid party/activity/sport/outing, and just want to grab some taco bell drive though and get the heck back to my own bed.

With multiple kids and their schools, sports, and activities, it is sometimes just too much mental energy to invest in bonding, even a little, with all the different groups. Maybe your current group is more introverted, or just has a lot of social circles and is mentally tired.

But I hear you. There are other times when I do crave some company, or more often it's my kid who understandably wants to bond after the meet - so sometimes I just do it for her/him. It is nice to have the social connection available, even if sometimes I choose to disconnect a little

 

[Flyaway]

I get it. I mean, at least they aren't being nasty or anything. But yeah, I get it. A friendly word definitely makes the time go more quickly!

 

[MILgymFAM]

I've had experiences on both sides of that coin (and the third, worse option, mean moms), and I agree it's more pleasant if everyone can be a semi-united front. Chat and clap and cheer. Go for dinner or ice cream. I don't get people either. I always offer to meet up after meets with people. Apparently no amount of refusals will deter me.

ETA: we've had money issues and we also have food intolerances. Neither are an excuse imo. I usually ask for something cheap and accessible to my DDs diet, but they are usually happy with a drink if there's nothing they can eat- and there is nearly always something. A few times we went for ice cream and didn't get anything at all, just hung out and celebrated and it was lovely.

 

[JumpingBean]

I haven't been a gym mom long but I've been a dance mom for a long while. I used to want to chat dance and meet up and sit together. But then I got burnt out. It just got to be too much dance: which kid is doing what, the worries about levels, and progressions, and placements within the dance, and the choreo comparisons. It felt like my life revolved around dance and I wasn't even at the studio that much. My kid was though, so dance was (still is) in my thoughts every day just because I have to get her there and back and that just gets thoughts going. I am nice to others and smile but I just want to watch my kid dance, tell her that I love watching her and then move on to something else. I don't want a meet up with more dance after watching dance for 3 hours. It has nothing to do with other parents. It's about where I am at as a passenger on my daughter's dance journey.

 

[raenndrops]

Our first year on team, there was a group of moms (4 of the 6 in OG's level) that lived in the same subdivision and their girls went to the same school and they carpooled to gym. The last girl wasn't there a lot, so it may as well have been a 5 girl level team.
The one mom had previous experience as a gym mom when her older daughter was in one of the "big" clubs - the kind with tons of CGMs and required travel meets as early as old L5. She was so over it that she stuck with her core friend group.
They would sit together at the meets, saving just enough seats for the others in their group. They would cheer for each others kids, but not OG or the other one. They would all go to dinner after the meet. They never invited OG or the other girl. It wasn't until our 2nd season on team that I was able to get to know them. The "leader" was in charge of the concessions at a home meet and we worked a shift together. That broke the ice. That was when I found out her older DD had competed. Then we also worked awards together.
After that, we would occasionally sit together and we all cheered for everyone whether we were sitting together or not. They still didn't invite us to dinner with them, but the team was a lot bigger that year so it is like they would have had to ask everyone and it would have been a huge group. The year after that, I started working for the team so I was staying at the meets all sessions and wouldn't have had time to go out after the girls' session because I had to be there for the next session.

OP, just keep cheering for everyone. Maybe one of the other moms will hear you cheering for her girl and decide to talk to you

 

[my4buffaloes]

It is always nice to have someone to chat with during a long session or sit with at awards, and even better, carpool with to meets. Friendships help make everything better in my mind. I hope you can find a connection soon. Does your dd connect with a girl on team? Maybe that could be an opening to a friendship.

 

[e'smum]

I haven't been a gym mom long but I've been a dance mom for a long while. I used to want to chat dance and meet up and sit together. But then I got burnt out. It just got to be too much dance: which kid is doing what, the worries about levels, and progressions, and placements within the dance, and the choreo comparisons. It felt like my life revolved around dance and I wasn't even at the studio that much. My kid was though, so dance was (still is) in my thoughts every day just because I have to get her there and back and that just gets thoughts going. I am nice to others and smile but I just want to watch my kid dance, tell her that I love watching her and then move on to something else. I don't want a meet up with more dance after watching dance for 3 hours. It has nothing to do with other parents. It's about where I am at as a passenger on my daughter's dance journey.

so i have one in gymnastics and one in competitive dance. i know the gym moms better but i can't keep the dance moms names in my brain at all! nice group of parents too. but my gymmie is more engaged with her teammates than my dancer is with hers. and she's been dancing with them for a few years now. my dancer only has two competitions this year but she's in 5 dance numbers in each comp. for me, dancing is getting them there, getting them dressed and makeup/hair for each dance, rushing out to watch the dance and coming back and doing it all over again for the next dance number. the moms are all super nice but we don't go out to eat with them after but if someone is missing some makeup or needs hairspray, there's a bunch of moms there who all offer their stuff. to me, that is what is needed! a team spirit of let's get the girls thru each dance number. we may not all sit together either but it's hard to find each other in a dark theatre! lol

for me, for gymnastics, i've found that the parent atmosphere changes from year to year. we knew dd was staying a 3 and all her teammates moved on (they were 2nd year 3s). so dd got all new teammates that year. there were only 5 of them and the moms were friendly and one was her best friend so we all meshed well and sat together, ect.... the next year one of those girls went to lvl 6 and the rest moved to 4 with a bunch of new girls and some of the prior 4s stayed back another year. there were definite cliques. my dd being one who was reserved and quiet and went there to work, not to make friends. so i hung out mostly with one mom whose daughter was a 2nd year 4. fast forward to this year and lvl 6 team girls and parents are awesome. we were in NYC this wkend and a bunch of us had dinner together and then all of them (but us) went to the top of the roc. we'd been during the day and dd was upset she couldn't go back up with them. they were all in a diff hotel though. i still sit with the same mom but we all root for each other's kids and my dd is actually opening up and becoming more outgoing b/c we have a couple of girls who are super silly on the team. they also won the team spirit award so there is good support on the floor too. i think all these girls are going to 7 together next year so i'm looking forward to 2 years with a cohesive mom group. lol there are still some cliques but it doesn't affect my dd. thankfully.

 

[2G1B]

I much prefer to sit together as a team and to sometimes do lunch after. I have two girls and a boy in gym, so sometimes we can't join the rest of the team after a meet because we have another kid about to compete; but if possible we are up for it.

A few years ago we were at a different gym. The moms for both of my girls' teams were good. We sat together, we cheered for each kid, etc. My son's team was totally different. We never sat together! It was really kind of weird to me.

 

[Taxidriver]

I personally find competitions stressful, not that I'm worried where my daughter places but just that she is pleased with her performance. I also suffer with anxiety in crowded rooms and sometimes come across as rude as I don't say hi but it's because I genuinely haven't seen the other person (once sat 2 seats away from my best friend completely oblivious until she tapped me on my shoulder!)
So sometimes I sit on my own other times if I spot the other mums I will go sit with them but I also like to photograph my dd so sometimes will choose to sit somewhere else with that in mind.
I do chat to the other mums at gym drop off etc.
But once the competition is over I just want to get back home I wouldn't want to hang around for a meal but then my life is one big juggling act with my kids.

Maybe there is some history there so they have chosen to keep themselves to themselves. There are parents I have chosen to avoid as all they want to do is moan about coaches or about what they think is not fair and I don't want to get involved in conversations like that as I think if you have real concerns you should address them or leave not just moan about people behind their back (thankfully these aren't parents in my daughters current group!)
Maybe if you just keep saying hi and trying to make general non gym chat that you might eventually get something back?

 

[emorymom]

With multiple kids and their schools, sports, and activities, it is sometimes just too much mental energy to invest in bonding, even a little, with all the different groups. Maybe your current group is more introverted, or just has a lot of social circles and is mentally tired.

The moms at my daughter's gym seem WONDERFUL. Girls, wonderful. I am just at my limit and checked out. I have two nondriving teens who each do two very high commitment activities, homeschool, and I'm an older mom. I can't remember names anymore without repetition. After the last meet session my daughter was pleased to be invited to go on a group dinner, and I honestly would have loved to come and get to know people. But the meet was almost an hour from home, my elderly mom was with us, my young teen son was alone and my husband was at work. Also, if my daughter didn't get home and get on her coursework for her accredited classes, she'd be faced with either missing practice or asking for an extension.

I want you to get to know me. I'm friendly. I'm just ... I have no idea who you are. And it's embarrassing.

 

[GymDad9.9]

We have made some wonderful friendships with a handful of parents and have good relationships with most parents on daughter's teams over the past two years. Having said that, I realize that might be the exception and not the norm and looking forward to where my daughter is with her training, I anticipate that our relationships with parents of the "next" group of girls will not be as satisfying or meaningful but if they are that would be great. My wife and I are kind of go-it-alone folks by nature so if we can't make connections with families we'll be fine about it. I'm more concerned that my daughter establishes good relationships with her teammates, and going forward I can see that it may not be as easy as it has been for her. Differences in age and some prior cliquish activity is the major divider, but thankfully she has a few girls she trains with that she can build relationships from.

 

[bookworm]

I think some of what you may be experiencing comes from the top down...if your coaches/owners aren't encouraging cohesiveness in the ranks, then maybe the parents think "well this is just how it is" and they go to meets, are supportive to the team...but all on their own. And if they've never experienced anything differently, this is how they roll.

In our first gym, there was a tremendous amount of camaraderie and support , up and down the levels....and this was fostered by the coaches and ownership. There was a preseason pasta kick off dinner, emails before and throughout the season about where to stay and/or eat when we got to places, and we were encouraged to travel as a group and our whole team competed all of the same meets. We arrived there as a level 5 , and the gym had levels 4-10 , and parents and gymnasts from ALL levels came to support their teammates at sessions they were not themselves competing in.....I remember the Hill's meet one year where I sat in the stands for about 12 sessions...and my kid was in the last session, and the whole team was there. Yes, sitting through multiple sessions can be annoying and exhausting but when others are there to support you as well, it was really appreciated. SO the door swung both ways there.....we are still very friendly with 8 families from the original gym...

Another gym we were in had more of a "what can you do for me" attitude...people swooped in for their kid's session ( if that) and left, and attended no other sessions and we rarely saw them , even at the gym. This was a more intense gym than the first and I don't know if that contributed to the whole way of doing things but the bottom line there was many a parent rooted for other kids to fail so their's looked better...we weren't there very long...

 

[Flyaway]

I will say- keep cheering on the other girls on your dd's team. I find that the more I cheer for them, the more I care about THEIR progress too... it helps keep the inner CGM at bay, when you see one girl progressing faster or what have you. It also definitely opens the door to relationships with the parents.

 

[gymnastmom05]

This is our 5th season with competitive gymnastics. My DD's team is small (much smaller than when we started with old Level 3) but most of the girls she has been with for the majority of that time. I know all the parents. I like all of them but at meets we don't all sit together. Not because we don't want to sit by one another it just doesn't seem to work out. Everyone seems to have a meet where the extended family comes so that family all sits together, or someone can't climb the stairs or someone prefers the top of the bleachers for some back support. I sit where there's room and not crowded. Some people move around during the competition, I just sit because I'm a nervous wreck until it's over. If it's not a travel meet (hotel necessary), we don't typically meet up with people to eat. Every now and then some of us will get together but we are all so busy. I think most of us are balancing work, school, gymnastics meets, our other children and their activities, the dog needs to be let out...etc. Just so much a meet seems to take almost an entire day on the weekend, I have other obligations I need to focus on once the meet is over. Or sometimes, I just want my comfy clothes, my couch and some wine!

 

[GymDad9.9]

I will say- keep cheering on the other girls on your dd's team. I find that the more I cheer for them, the more I care about THEIR progress too... it helps keep the inner CGM at bay, when you see one girl progressing faster or what have you. It also definitely opens the door to relationships with the parents.

Absolutely!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

This is our 5th season with competitive gymnastics. My DD's team is small (much smaller than when we started with old Level 3) but most of the girls she has been with for the majority of that time. I know all the parents. I like all of them but at meets we don't all sit together. Not because we don't want to sit by one another it just doesn't seem to work out. Everyone seems to have a meet where the extended family comes so that family all sits together, or someone can't climb the stairs or someone prefers the top of the bleachers for some back support. I sit where there's room and not crowded. Some people move around during the competition, I just sit because I'm a nervous wreck until it's over. If it's not a travel meet (hotel necessary), we don't typically meet up with people to eat. Every now and then some of us will get together but we are all so busy. I think most of us are balancing work, school, gymnastics meets, our other children and their activities, the dog needs to be let out...etc. Just so much a meet seems to take almost an entire day on the weekend, I have other obligations I need to focus on once the meet is over. Or sometimes, I just want my comfy clothes, my couch and some wine!

This.

We don't have a lot of travel meets so when we do we try to arrange a group dinner because the girls love it. There may be a group adventure arranged or maybe may be not.

We are a lower hour gym mostly so the kids are able to do other things and they all do. Add in parent schedules and other siblings. We're all not rushing to schedule more things. As a gym we have 2 parties a year, holiday and end of season.

The kids will get together for birthdays, occasional swim or skating date type thing. But that is more a function of having been together for a while (4-5 or more years now).

From a personal point of view as an older parent. Childhood goes by in a really short time. Between all her things, our jobs. When we have time to just be a family that is some precious time, so no we will root for the team via FB but we are getting our family time in. It's about 1 year to middle school, 5 till she drives, 8 till she off to college. I'm taking advantage of every minute I get with her.....

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I agree with others regarding the possible dynamics of the group. One other thing you might try (if you haven't already) is to address the issue by asking your dd who she would most like to hang with. Then try and schedule a pre-post meet meal with that girl and her family. It's not a team outing, but she is spending time with a team mate and giving you an opportunity for a potential gym friendship. It's an individual commitment, rather than a team commitment, so you might have a taker.

 

[e'smum]

, and I'm an older mom. I can't remember names anymore without repetition.

I want you to get to know me. I'm friendly. I'm just ... I have no idea who you are. And it's embarrassing.

this is so me!!!! i do this at church and i started going to my church before my son was born (he just turned 7). thankful for facebook. i can reinforce names with faces on there. lol

 

[LindyHopper]

I find that we all tend to sit together more if it is a morning session. Afternoon and evening sessions, it's just too hard to find a large enough area for all of us. I think we're pretty big for a L5 team.