Parents Overcoming Fears

[NY Dad]

Generally speaking do kids that are fearful remain that way or are kids that were once fearful sometimes become less fearful over time?

My dd (currently 7 years old JO2) was relatively new to rec gymnastics maybe about 2 years ago when she saw a friend fall off bars with an ugly elbow fracture, ambulance rushed in... My dd periodically would mention that and fear when talking about bars.

This Jan she fractured her elbow doing a cartwheel on beam. She has always periodically mentioned fears, specifically on bars, but it feels like it’s becoming more generalized now. In my opinion she’s got more fears than she had before. Some of the skills she had before she should be able to do physically but she can’t (and she doesn’t’ know why).

She loves gymnastics and I have no intention of taking that away from her but for the first time yesterday she cried when it came up (she brought it up). She couldn’t understand why she shouldn’t do a skill. I told her not to worry about it. It will come when it comes and if it doesn’t come that’s fine too. I reminded her all the amazing things that she can do and how proud I am of her and all the hard works she's put in to get to where she is now. I tried to change the subject but she wanted to be upset about it for a few minutes before she was willing to move on. Nothing like this has ever happened before.

Any thought? Please be gentle I’m really just trying to do what’s best for my dd and wondering if I should try harder to direct her to a different sport/activity or off the JO track.

After my dw came home twice in two weeks saying that the coach commented that my dd isn't putting in enough effort I wrote an email to try to understand what's going on, to start a dialogue, mentioned her fear issue. His answer back was that I shouldn't worry about it. My first through when I read his reply is that he may have already written her off.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I can't answer in a generalized way, but I can tell you how it is for my ODD. Both my girls are fearful in general. In and out of gym, they've always thought through the possible natural consequences and it scared them. Natural disasters, house fires, falls off bars- all the same to an over thinker.

Since she was a little girl my ODD would deal with her fears by mitigating them. She can up with family fire drills and had me make emergency plans for natural disasters.

With gymnastics, the only way to mitigate fears is repetition and confidence. For a long time she was afraid of SO many skills. She had trouble with BHSs and BTs on floor, and all kinds of stuff on beam, and flyaways and casts on bars. She still tried, but her fears were definitely keeping her ability down. She found a coach who knew how to accept her fear and move at a slower pace, and she's finally gotten her confidence levels higher than her fear levels.

Just the other day she learned two new skills (barani straight for tramp and a back layout), and she went for it the first time without fear. She knew that (1) her coach wouldn't tell her to do it if he wasn't 100% confident she could, and (2) she *knew* she was strong/able.

She is still afraid of doing any gym skills out of a gym. I don't blame her! She's still scared of bigger things to come- but with the right coach and right amount of time she is confident she can get there.

All that to say: I don't think fear just goes away never to be seen again. I just think it can be appropriately managed so that it doesn't take over. Fear can be healthy, if in check imo.

 

[thefellowsmom]

I know this can all be frustrating and confusing and it sounds like your dd has a couple of events in her life (her elbow injury and someone else's) that have legitimately rattled her.

I have a couple of thoughts. First, don't assume that the coach has written her off. This could more likely mean that they feel they have it under control and in my experience, especially with fear, the coaches first defense is going to be to reassure and calm the parent and try to take care of it in the gym. Your email likely gave them more insight into the situation and that is helpful. I would give it some more time and check in in a few weeks.

As far as fear goes, sometimes they grow out of it, sometimes it is a skill they develop to deal with it and sometimes it gets worse with time.

My dd had some fear issues early on stemming from her own elbow injury that occurred when a coach made her do something she wasn't ready for on a not adequately padded surface. This led to not only fear of going backwards to her hands but a general mistrust of her coaches.

Now, she has always been very intense about gymnastics and we admittedly started the sports psychology stuff early because she was begging for help and tools (I think she was 9), but she got through it and conquered those skills and that fear and has only a healthy level of fear now. They should have enough to keep them safe.

She is now twelve and finishing up her level nine season. She has pretty amazing mental strength and control over her thoughts and fears at this point because she practices what she has learned every day.

But, unfortunately I don't think this is the norm. I have also seen kids languish in a level for years never really getting over the fear and not able to move on because of it. And kids who get to a point and jus look at the next set of skills and say "nope, never gonna happen" and then they move onto other things.

But, every situation is different and each child will want different things and have differing abilities to cope and fight and grow. Your child is your child and you know them best.

I would just keep being supportive and let it go for now. She is too young to get into a bunch of sports psychology stuff but she also needs to know that you are there for her and you believe that she can get through it and also keep the coach aware that her perceived lack of effort has deeper roots and then hopefully they can help her through it.

I do think though that when you think she is ready an introduction to the concept of the past being the past and just because something happened before doesn't mean it will happen again and today is a brand new day and all they can control is what they do and just go in the gym and work hard, that skill will come when it comes, but they don't have to let it effect everything can be helpful in an age appropriate way. I always make her tell me three good things that happened at gym when she is upset about a bad day. There are almost always more good things than bad.

And also, introducing that thoughts are just thoughts and that fear is just chemicals in your body. They will pass just like a cold if you acknowledge them and let them go. Every time a negative thought comes in say "thank you but I have work to do and I can totally do this. I am strong and confident and brave"

These are very simple but powerful thoughts that most kids can grasp if presented properly. But she is very young and only you will know when and how to have these kinds of conversations if you find them appropriate at all. Some kids just don't want to hear this stuff or it can even make it worse if handled badly or pushed too hard, so be thoughtful and tread lightly.

Also, although I don't recommend giving them an easy out when fear is the issue as i feel that letting them quit due to fear sets them up for all kinds of problems down the road, every now and again a quick reminder that gymnastics isn't everything and that you support her choices whether that is to keep going or move on will go along way. Just be careful not to do it too often as then she might think you are worried and that will just make it worse for her.

Sorry if that was too much, I tend to do that.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are here to help!

 

[CCGymbug]

This is around the age that kids connect consequence of actions. Where they really realize something could happen to them. I can't speak on the fear issue itself but it is developmentally appropriate for age to express more fears.

 

[LizzieLac]

I call it awareness that they can get hurt vs fear. It is a worry that is there...knowing what can happen if something goes wrong. No way to sugarcoat it if we wanted to!

My DD has it (for obvious reasons), but she probably would have anyway because they lose a bit of that fearless, naïve, "I'll try anything" personality as they get older.

The best way to deal with it is safe, controlled training that allows them to build confidence. Chucking skills = No No. Time and patience and not rushing - those things are the key.

 

[2gymkids]

I have a fearful kid. The good part about is when she first started to be fearful, she was with a coach she had been with for years, so she was able to push and back off as necessary, and would communicate well with her and with me. She really pushed DD to communicate with her when she was afraid instead of totally shutting down, which was huge. If DD was able to say she was scared, coach would back up a step. The other advantage was I could say "You've been with Miss X for 3 years. Has she ever asked you to do something you're not capable of?"

Now that she doesn't have that coach she still has fears but she's slowly seeing herself come out on the other side and sure enough, while the fears still come, they don't freak her out like they used to. She may still get upset but she doesn't go into full freak out meltdown mode- more of just a frustrated mode. She can pinpoint other fears she's had and getting over them and being able to look back like that has started to help. There will be more, I'm sure, but I'm just enjoying the baby steps in the right direction while I can.

 

[gymgal]

And also, introducing that thoughts are just thoughts and that fear is just chemicals in your body. They will pass just like a cold if you acknowledge them and let them go. Every time a negative thought comes in say "thank you but I have work to do and I can totally do this. I am strong and confident and brave"

I love this!! Relevant for all walks of life

for the OP - my dd has always been one of those fearful types - well, at least since she broke her wrist doing a cartwheel on the floor in practice during her first year competing. She was always one of the last to try anything that she considered scary. But she had determination and she wanted to keep going. She has made it to L10. I will not say it was an easy ride (whose ever is?). We had countless nights on the car ride home with me saying "it will come when you are ready for it to come and if it never does, that's ok too. We will figure another way at that time" and "remember that your coaches would never have you try something you are not physically capable of". The coaches learned pretty quickly that she would do it in her own time - there was no bribing, shaming, punishing, praising it out of her. It is one of the reasons we love our gym. I really don't think she would have lasted in one of the stricter gyms - not because she isn't talented enough but because emotionally it would have been way too stressful in the early years.

 

[NY Dad]

Thank you for all the responses and for sharing your stories. It's encouraging to hear about other fearful kids getting past their fears. Hopefully for her as time goes by it will get easier. She's definitely an over-thinker (liker her dad )

Since she was a little girl my ODD would deal with her fears by mitigating them. She can up with family fire drills and had me make emergency plans for natural disasters.

Based on other posts on CB I've been very impressed with both your parenting and with your kids ability to overcome whatever obstacles are in the way. It's very inspirational.

She found a coach who knew how to accept her fear and move at a slower pace, and she's finally gotten her confidence levels higher than her fear levels.

I wish I knew how the coach was handling this but when I reached out I was told not to worry about it.

First, don't assume that the coach has written her off. This could more likely mean that they feel they have it under control and in my experience, especially with fear, the coaches first defense is going to be to reassure and calm the parent and try to take care of it in the gym. Your email likely gave them more insight into the situation and that is helpful. I would give it some more time and check in in a few weeks.

Thanks so much for this perspective. As obvious as it sounds, that had not occurred to me. Very happy with the thought that it was potentially helpful.

introducing that thoughts are just thoughts and that fear is just chemicals in your body. They will pass just like a cold if you acknowledge them and let them go. Every time a negative thought comes in say "thank you but I have work to do and I can totally do this. I am strong and confident and brave"

I love this idea. I can't wait to have the opportunity to try to explain it to her. I think she'll get this (at least partially).

Also, although I don't recommend giving them an easy out when fear is the issue as i feel that letting them quit due to fear sets them up for all kinds of problems down the road.

I agree with this. She's not asking to quit. She's only about a month back from her injury but if I had a crystal ball and knew she would continue to deal with fear issues like she is now, I was thinking that it might be better to steer her in a different direction. It was that along with thinking that the coach had given up on her which I realize now may not be the case.

she was with a coach she had been with for years, so she was able to push and back off as necessary, and would communicate well with her and with me. She really pushed DD to communicate with her when she was afraid instead of totally shutting down, which was huge. If DD was able to say she was scared, coach would back up a step.

As I've mentioned before I wish I had some idea how the coach is handling this. Based on the above advice I think he thinks it's under control.

"remember that your coaches would never have you try something you are not physically capable of"

I have said this to her in the past when she's mentioned something was scary. Her reply was this it's still scary. Hard to rationalize with fear especially with a 7 year old (not that I would expect it gets easier as they get older).

 

[Aussie_coach]

Fear can be a good thing. First thing I would do is teach your DD to appreciate her fear, we have fear to keep ourselves safe. Fear is what stops gymnasts walking into the gym and just trying a double back without any previous training. Fear can keep us safe and alive.

Totally eliminating fear is not going to happen, we need to teach kids to work with their fear, to listen to their fear and work out if it is rational or not.

If we have a gymnast standing on the beam ready to do a big skill and she just can't psyche herself up to do it. It isn't nessesarily a bad thing it is her mind and body telling her and telling us that she isn't ready to throw this skill, be it physically ready or emotionally ready. This means we need to do something to help that gymnast to feel more comfortable. It could be visualisation, more on the low beam, stack more mats under the high beam, use a beam mat, do more drills, do some lead ins and so on.

I teach the gymnasts to follow 5 steps when they fear a skill.

Step 1 - Check your thinking. A lot of the time the problem is that they are not controlling their thoughts. They may be standing on beam thinking "I hope I don't fall off" rather than "I am going to stick this". So they are focusing on falling off.

Step 2 - Visualize - Picture themselves doing the skill perfectly in their mind. I find that some kids who find this hard, benefit from watching another gymnast do the skill well first, this is a form of visualising.

Step 3 - Take it back a step - Every single skill can be broken down to many many steps. Ie doing a back walkover on beam might be
1. Back walkover on floor
2. Back walkover on a line
3. Back walkover on a floor beam
And so on working up to different height beams, using extra mats having spot etc. most skills can literally include hundreds of steps.

You get the gymnast to look at the list and find the point they feel comfortable to start and do a bunch of them at that point and move onto the next step when they are ready.

Some coaches don't like this method because it is slow, working back through the steps when they just want the kid to do it, but this procedure will make the skill far more solid. Practising each step will be very beneficial.

Step 4 - Ask for help. It might be from the coach, or another team mate who has come through a similar fear or mental block. Someone may have an idea of what worked for them.

Step 5 - Walk away and try again another day. If it gets to this point and the gymnast is still too scared to do the skill, it is time to leave it for the day. Continuing to push it at this point can make the problem worse.

 

[SHELOVESGYM]

I know this can all be frustrating and confusing and it sounds like your dd has a couple of events in her life (her elbow injury and someone else's) that have legitimately rattled her.

I have a couple of thoughts. First, don't assume that the coach has written her off. This could more likely mean that they feel they have it under control and in my experience, especially with fear, the coaches first defense is going to be to reassure and calm the parent and try to take care of it in the gym. Your email likely gave them more insight into the situation and that is helpful. I would give it some more time and check in in a few weeks.

As far as fear goes, sometimes they grow out of it, sometimes it is a skill they develop to deal with it and sometimes it gets worse with time.

My dd had some fear issues early on stemming from her own elbow injury that occurred when a coach made her do something she wasn't ready for on a not adequately padded surface. This led to not only fear of going backwards to her hands but a general mistrust of her coaches.

Now, she has always been very intense about gymnastics and we admittedly started the sports psychology stuff early because she was begging for help and tools (I think she was 9), but she got through it and conquered those skills and that fear and has only a healthy level of fear now. They should have enough to keep them safe.

She is now twelve and finishing up her level nine season. She has pretty amazing mental strength and control over her thoughts and fears at this point because she practices what she has learned every day.

But, unfortunately I don't think this is the norm. I have also seen kids languish in a level for years never really getting over the fear and not able to move on because of it. And kids who get to a point and jus look at the next set of skills and say "nope, never gonna happen" and then they move onto other things.

But, every situation is different and each child will want different things and have differing abilities to cope and fight and grow. Your child is your child and you know them best.

I would just keep being supportive and let it go for now. She is too young to get into a bunch of sports psychology stuff but she also needs to know that you are there for her and you believe that she can get through it and also keep the coach aware that her perceived lack of effort has deeper roots and then hopefully they can help her through it.

I do think though that when you think she is ready an introduction to the concept of the past being the past and just because something happened before doesn't mean it will happen again and today is a brand new day and all they can control is what they do and just go in the gym and work hard, that skill will come when it comes, but they don't have to let it effect everything can be helpful in an age appropriate way. I always make her tell me three good things that happened at gym when she is upset about a bad day. There are almost always more good things than bad.

And also, introducing that thoughts are just thoughts and that fear is just chemicals in your body. They will pass just like a cold if you acknowledge them and let them go. Every time a negative thought comes in say "thank you but I have work to do and I can totally do this. I am strong and confident and brave"

These are very simple but powerful thoughts that most kids can grasp if presented properly. But she is very young and only you will know when and how to have these kinds of conversations if you find them appropriate at all. Some kids just don't want to hear this stuff or it can even make it worse if handled badly or pushed too hard, so be thoughtful and tread lightly.

Also, although I don't recommend giving them an easy out when fear is the issue as i feel that letting them quit due to fear sets them up for all kinds of problems down the road, every now and again a quick reminder that gymnastics isn't everything and that you support her choices whether that is to keep going or move on will go along way. Just be careful not to do it too often as then she might think you are worried and that will just make it worse for her.

Sorry if that was too much, I tend to do that.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are here to help!

Curious to know what you mean by starting with sports psychology at age 9? Did she see a sports psychologist at this age? I have a DD who is also very fearful (she is 9) and I'm wondering if there's something that would help her.

 

[thefellowsmom]

Yes! We saw a sports psychologist when she was nine and was struggling with how fast everything was happening and blocked up at the gym because of it. This was only the first step in her mental toughness journey, but it really helped at the time. The guy was really great and age appropriate with her and basically helped her to to understand that fear is normal and important and also just a chemical reaction in her body. It didn't mean anything about her. This was powerful for her. And he used meditative visualzation stuff that really helped her get to the root of what was going on for her and then could help her with some tools to get past it.

It worked and she got over the block (really like a switch once they got to the root of the problem) and it also set her up to know the value of it all and she was then eager a couple years later when the Doc Ali Athlete Warrior opportunity came up for her. She really took that seriously and has worked hard over the last couple of years to implement those tools into her daily practice. She has been through a lot in the last year and has come through it with maturity and a true understanding of what she wants from the sport and what is important to her. I truly believe that the mental side of her training has contributed significantly to that.

I will say though that she is a bit of a anomaly. She has always taken gymnastics very seriously, even when she was three, and she is a naturally self aware, curious and very open kid. A teammate of hers also went to see him when she saw how well it was going for her and this other girl had zero luck with it because she just couldn't buy into it and didn't do the follow up work on her own.

They have to really want this part of it and be willing to do it on their own in the gym because we can't be in there with them reminding them. They have to remember and practice using the tools on their own and that is where I think a lot of kids wouldn't be ready so young. My dd was literally begging for help. She hated that all of these feelings she was having were getting in the way of where she wanted to go and she was determined to get control of it.

I think if you find the right person (our guy had experience with kids and with gymnastics as well as other high level and professional sports) and the child is ready within themselves to approach it openly and with the intention of doing the work, then it can be great. But, it was also expensive and I'm not exactly sure how well it would work for most kids.

But, as I mentioned in my previous post, I think there are basic concepts that they can understand and apply at this age, but those don't necessarily require a sports psychologist to teach them.

 

[JMACAZ]

My YDD 10 who does T&T also has dealt with fear. Before summer she was considering taking a break because new scary stuff was coming up. So we sat down and really talked it through. I first validated her fears, yes what you are doing can be scary and not everyone can do this. I then asked her if she trusted her Coaches and her answers was yes. She then broke down the skills into pieces with her Coach. She also would watch videos of others doing the skills well. We then came up with "you have it want it more than you are afraid of it" along with goal setting. She had an amazing summer in the gym, met all her goals and then some. With her confidence also came with age. At your DD's age she was not ready for L 3 because she could not do a ROBHS. Now she competes a pass with 6 and trains a pass with BHS and Whips Hang in there, one day at a time

 

[duyetanh]

Fear sucks. It really does. You have to control it, or it controls you...for gymnasts, it is such a mental sport....so much more mental imho than physical....the mind controls the body....i havs no words of wisdom other than to say hang in there, and i pray this too shall pass.

 

[NY Dad]

Thanks to everyone who responded. One response I received via PM feels like it might be particularly on the mark and very insightful.

Is your DD worried about moving up to the next level or on a timeline for needing certain skills?

Based on a conversation we had last night, I think this may be playing in to her stress.

Last night I noticed the 3 month calendar I put on my dd's wall shortly after she broke her elbow. I had estimates for milestones related to her recovery. As I was taking the calendar down I told how proud of her I am for getting through it and coming back even stronger.

Her response is that she would be level 3 now if that hadn’t happened. I told her that they move the girls up in groups at a certain time of the year. She said that they’ve been told that whenever they are ready they will be moved up (even though this hasn’t happened to anyone). I asked her if she knew what she needs to do to get moved up. She said work hard (which she probably inferred from past conversations I've had with her). I asked her if there was anything else. She said there were skills but she didn’t know what specifically.

Have you had HER talk to her coach about what she's thinking? In DDs gym, parent conversations mean very little - coaches don't want to talk to us. They want to hear from the gymnasts, whether they're 5 or 15.

(I’m thinking now that I took this suggestion out of context, Proud Parent was referring to

After my dw came home twice in two weeks saying that the coach commented that my dd isn't putting in enough effort I wrote an email to try to understand what's going on, to start a dialogue, mentioned her fear issue. His answer back was that I shouldn't worry about it.

Nonetheless in the moment I suggested my dd speak to the coach and ask. She said she would be embarrassed to do that. I tried to convince her that by asking she shows that she cares and that she also will know what skills she needs.

Now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t had suggested that. She’s only been back for roughly a month. I’m thinking she should just focus on what’s going on in the gym and not worry about the next level but that’s not what I said to her. Also, if she makes the coach uncomfortable she's the one that's got to deal with it, not me. She has gymnastics tomorrow so I’m if I need to redirect her I need to say something tonight.

Looking for advice...

 

[gymmomx2]

I'll be honest, I think that would be a difficult discussion for a 7 year old to initiate with a coach. Many kids that age aren't self aware enough, or articulate enough, or even brave enough to broach difficult topics with authority figures.

I have an 11 year old and if she has questions or concerns, I bring them to her coach who then starts the discussion with her in the gym. Once the discussion is started, she is able to continue it but she wouldn't feel comfortable initiating the talk herself. That is probably due to her personality as much of her age so YMMV. My DD is also on the fearful side especially with new skills but at 11 she now knows that scary skills become less scary the more you practice them (with proper progressions). I liken it to a scale with a confidence bucket on one side and a fear bucket on the other side. Over time the confidence bucket will get fuller and the fear bucket will get less full but the fear won't be completely gone until she's 100% confident that she can make the skill almost 100% of the time. That is a long process for my DD, months and months....even now that she makes her beam series almost 100% of the time there is still a residual amount of fear before she goes for it. She will eventually get to where there is no fear, this I know because she's gone through this process many times before Flyaways are now a-OK as are giants, free hips handstand, RO BT off beam, etc.

Since your DD's coach said it was under control, I would leave it for now and see what transpires in the next few weeks. The issue might resolve itself as they often do in the course of normal training. In the meantime, you can encourage her to ask for extra help to do those skills that she finds scary.