Parents Parenting Crisis Here...

[mamaoftwo]

OK, so I was hoping to get some sort of feedback here. I don't even know what to do here anymore - I am confused and I am ticked off.

As many of you here may know, DD is a preteamer. She started on Future Mites, the feeder class for our gym's L3 preteam (non-competitive). This was oh, 18 months ago. DD was nearly 6. It was an adjustment for DD. She'd been all the way up to Intermediate on the rec side of things and that "new" class went back to basics and was mostly conditioning. Previously, she primarily had fun, kind male instructors for 2 consecutive years, whom she'd loved dearly. Her new coach was very cold. Lots of corrections, very little positive feedback. DD did not complain (much!) during this time period, though.

After about 7 months, they bumped the entire group up to L3 preteam, a first for our gym. We usually hold try-outs. Practice time was doubled. DD was ok at first. After 3-4 months, though, she started having a lot of self-esteem issues. She asked to quit, said her coach was too mean and that she thought she "just wasn't a good gymnast". I told her that if she still wanted to quit after that session, she could - and with my blessing. I spoke to coach (briefly) and said DD was having a bit of a hard time. After a couple of weeks, DD was back to her old self. I let it go an chalked it up to DD being sensitive (which she IS).

Here comes summer and DD was ok for a period of time. Coach seemed to be in a relatively good mood. More smiles, more hi-fives. Life was good. Then comes August. Coach is grumpy again, DD is grumpy. DD doesn't want to go to practice. There was a mix-up at her gym and DD was left alone, unattended with no phone call to me for an hour (I posted here about it). I was furious, DD was heartbroken. The very next week, coach was spotting DD on cast-to-handstand and she pushed DD over the bar. DD panicked and let go, landed on her back and had the wind knocked out of her. Coach yelled at DD for letting go. DD immediately reverted to being anxious before each practice. She was terrified of handstands of any kind. She was a wreck for a good 6 weeks or so. Finally, DD got enough confidence up and was able to again do her handstand on the beam and at least attempt the cast-to-handstand without too much trouble. Life was not "good", but it was much better.

Fast forward about 6 weeks or so again to this week. DD is the only one not able to do her BHS without a spot. On Tuesday, her coach put her on the tramp and walked away. DD cried, terrified to do it herself. One of her former male rec coaches (who knows her very well) walked over and gave her a finger spot. DD got four in a row. Now technically I am not sure how wonderful they were (looked comparable to her teammates to my untrained eye). I was ecstatic for her. Coach walks over, and crucifies my DD. Rips apart her BHS and makes her do it in pieces again. Yanking on her ponytail to look appropriately, yelling at her to jump back, stopping her in handstand position. Roughly moving her body (to be honest, to me it looked not that bad, even) around, then making her finish. THEN, she barked more corrections at her.

DD left practice in tears. She has zero confidence for her BHS and says she'll never get it. This then starts an ever higher flow of tears because coach "always yells at me, me more than anyone else" and "coach says I am the only one that still needs help". She was a wreck all day yesterday, and didn't eat her lunch today because, apparently, she was very nervous for today's class.

Before class today, DD cried. She sobbed, she didn't want to go. Now, me being me, I didn't want her to quit for a fear... and she DOESN'T want to quit. Just didn't want to do her BHS. DD's teammate (a good friend) actually accurately GUESSED that DD was upset because coach yells at DD's BHS. Coach was obviously flustered over DD's tears and told DD that she shouldn't worry about it yet.

So, DD hesitantly walks into practice. I stayed because DD begged me not to leave. DD gets to the last 30 minutes of practice and they worked that dreaded handstand on the high beam. DD of course falls, cries. Coach was not happy. I could not hear what was said, but it was obvious my DD was crying and coach was pissed. DD finishes other rotations, gets back to HS station. Was obviously nervous. Did it again, fell again. Coach seemed unhappy from afar and was pointing and very obviously giving corrections. My DD, at this point, was hysterical. A teammate pointed out my DD was hurt, and coach yelled at my DD to "just go get an ice pack". DD came running to me. The entire front of her left leg is scraped and bruised, according to DD from the first fall. From the second, her bottom is bruised and scraped. DD is 7. Coach did not even check her out.

To say I am irate is the understatement of the century. My instinct says to get my DD the heck out of this gym. Is this just me being a mama bear, or does it seem justified?

Is my DD just not cut out for team gymnastics? Is it like this everywhere? Should I put her in rec gymnastics, dance, soccer, rock climbing, baton twilrling???? I am so confused at the moment. I no longer know what to do. When DD knew I was pissed today (I did not do well in my attempt to hide that - I was shaking), she begged me not to pull her from the team. L4 tryouts (which I was told my DD should have no trouble with) are in 3 weeks. She is aware of that. At our gym, if you quit team in compulsories, you are not getting back on.

I feel like I am a terrible parent if I let her continue. I also feel terrible if I make her quit. We are at (arguably) the best gym in our state. I am lost.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Sincerely,
A broken mamaoftwo

 

[bogwoppit]

It's not the gymnastics that is the issue, it is the coach.

No way would my child go back into a class where she gets her hair pulled or gets yelled at. She is being taught on a daily basis how to fear gymnastics, she will learn to hate going to gym and she will quit.

If there is no other coach in the gym available to her, then I would leave. Gymnastics is not worth destroying her self esteem for.

 

[cher062]

ok first breath In then breath out and just chill for a few moments. Ok feel better?

Team isn't for everyone. and unfortunatly not every coach is sunshine and flowers. it could be your DD loves rec gymnastics but isn't cut out for the pressures of a competitive team. If your gym has a prep Op program that might be the way to go if she wants to compete - not as intense as the JO programs.

it could also be a personality thing where your DD and the coach just aren't gelling. you might want to look around for a different gym and see if its the coach or coaching style that is the problem. I know for me what you have decribed would definitly send me looking at different gyms to see what they are like.

There definitly is alot of pressure at the JO levels and team really isn't like a rec class - not alot of high 5's, and not alot of at a girls either. if your DD is crying every practice I would say either this gym isn't for her, this coach isn't for her or more than rec gymnastics isn't for her. I don't think I would force her to do the whole season maybe just what session time you have left at best.

Like I said before if she really wants to compete maybe Prep Op is the option that might work better for her.

 

[mayestra12]

I spent the last year with my dd having some type of issue before each practice so I really feel for you. My dd does have anxiety issues and I wondered daily if it was going to push her out of the sport. My dd had a coach who yelled at her and we ran directly to another gym. She still had anxiety issues at the new gym but the environment was much more positive.

If she doesn't want to quit than I would start searching for a new gym. Does she have true anxiety issues? Is so, the coaching style is doing nothing to help her learn to cope with the anxiety. My dd is also 7.

 

[bogwoppit]

Cher I really do have to disagree with you here.

Her dd was left alone, pushed over the bars, had her hair pulled, was yelled at and and belittled for not being as good as the other girls.

Seriously I do not think my kids were pushed, pulled or yelled at in all their years in the gym, if they had they sure wouldn't have stayed. Those behaviours are not about "team" or "JO gymnastics", that is just bullying. The OP's dd is still a little kid and is not in a position to defend herself.

If we as parents say that it is okay to bully kids because "team" is tough, then we are losing sight of what childhood is supposed to look like. Allowing a kid to accept this treatment as "normal" is a slippery slope to really awful abuses of power.

Sometimes the stuff I read here makes me wonder what goes on in peoples heads. The coach is ridiculous. Give me her number and I'll tell her to her face.

 

[Shewhodrives]

I feel so bad for you and your dd. I would start looking at other gyms. Trust your instinct! You and your dd will find another gym where she feels good about gymnastics and most importantly, herself. Good luck.

 

[Allieonbeam]

I wouldn't necessarily decide that your DD is not cut out for team, especially because you mentioned that she wouldn't have a problem getting on level 4 team, so she has the skills and she obviously really wants it. We had a similar issue at our old gym and when I spoke to owner, she told me that team kids needed to be yelled at, that was the only way they learned. I completely disagreed, we left the gym that day and tried out at our current gym. DD fell in love with the new coaches from day 1, that was the best decision for her gymnastics career. I believe every gymmie needs to find her "own" coach, the one that brings the best out of her, the one that knows how she learns and what motivates her. I think that you haven't found yours yet.

 

[gym monkeys mom]

That is not being sensative it is being a kid. No kid no matter what deserves to be yelled at, left alone or have thier hair pulled by a coach in any sport!!


There are many clubs and many gyms but gymnastics should never be abusive......I would searcho ut a new club with better caoching who understand kids. They all grow and mature differently and get skills at a different rate also.


Hugs to you and your DD I am hoping that you find a better spot for your DD. I am sure abother club would be more than pleased to have your gymnast on team!

Best of luck to you.....

 

[Krystan]

I agree with those who think this coach is completely out of line. I can't imagine any coach at our gym behaving like that, even at the top levels. It would be unthinkable. They are strict and tough, but tough as in lots of conditioning and getting the basics perfect, not in how athletes are treated. I have never seen a coach yell or belittle, and never seen them touch except to spot, high-five, etc. You say your gym is "best in the state", but I'm not sure what you mean by that. Especially if your daughter is sensitive (mine is too, so I totally understand), I would be more concerned with the environment than how many medalists they have.

Might it be worth a talk with the HC or owner? If this one coach is the problem, maybe there is another way. You said she might be starting level 4 soon. Would she have a different coach? Maybe you could watch one of the L4 practices to see if the environment is any healthier. That being said, if the HC or owner is aware of how this coach is behaving and is okay with it, then you should get the heck out of there.

I really wish you the best!! Your dd is definitely "cut out for team" if she loves gymnastics and is willing to work hard! That sort of treatment is NOT normal and NOT okay - I think it is important that she hears that from you; otherwise she will grow up thinking it is okay to be treated that way. Don't give up on the sport without checking out other options. And you are not a bad parent! It is your job to question and make sure your dd is in a healthy environment. I hope it all works out for you and dd.

 

[GymnastJoy]

I really feel for you...it is so hard being the parent and knowing the "right" thing to do.

If it were me and my dd, I would try to keep her in the sport if that is what she really wants and has been working towards all this time. If her goal is to make level 4, I wouldn't have her miss out on that experience over a bad coaching match. This is obviously not the coach for her and possibly not the gym for her. There are several "red flags" that other posters have pointed out as well as, to me, the cast to handstand. Is that something that a level 3 needs to do? Especially if it is causing her fear on the beam which is a handstand that she does need for level 4.

Not sure what your gym's policy is on trying out other gyms but again, if it were my dd, I would. I would give her the opportunity at another gym to see whether it is team or a bad coaching match that is the issue. Then if it still is not working, you know for sure. No regrets. And I wouldn't put too much stock in your current gym being one of the best in the state. That is all well and good but possibly not for a little girl with confidence and anxiety issues. She may very well be better off at a less competitive gym that she can be given time and patience to really shine. They are out there.

Please keep us posted. I am sad for your dd that something that she loves so much is causing her (and you) so much stress.

 

[Sarah'sMom]

I would listen to your mother's instinct here. It is telling you (I can see it right in your post) that something is very wrong here. Sounds to me like your daughter really loves gymnastics. It seems like she would have love it to put up with what she is putting up with at 7.

If you heard that a school teacher was acting this way towards your daughter, would you think it would be acceptable? I don't think you would. Would you stay at a workplace where you had to deal with emotional and physical bullying - or would you leave as soon as you found a new job.

As for her performance, how can it possibly improve and develop if she is anxious and terrified of her coach? Will it affect her focus and make her possibly prone to further mistakes - and possible injury?

I realize you said that this is the best gym around but are there any other gyms? Wouldn't your daughter possibly do better in a better environment? It probably would be hard for her to leave friends, but i bet a short time in a better environment and she'd make new friends and thrive. And, I wouldn't use this current experience to judge whether she's cut out for it or not. Her troubles now could very well be in part due to the environment.

Good luck, take care, and please let us know how this goes.

 

[MaryA]

I don't think you should set foot in that gym again. SO many things wrong with this scenario. Coach yelling, belittling, roughly handling your daughter, comparing her to other gymnasts... All of this is just wrong, wrong, wrong! I don't think that every person in your child's life needs to be Mary Poppins... It's important that our children learn to get along in this world and part of that is learning to deal with difficult people. However, it's also important for your child to know she deserves to be treated decently and fairly, and right now that's not happening. This isn't boot camp. She is just a little girl! This is supposed to be FUN! If there are other gym choices in your area, check them out. If there isn't, find something else. You've given this gym every benefit of the doubt in some fairly iffy situations in the past. The coach is mean and your daughter is miserable. It's time to GO!

 

[AGM78910]

Get Out Now.
This is child abuse.

 

[mariposa]

I would find another gym, that is poor and abusive coaching, plain and simple. Your poor daughter. Find another gym, I would rather have my kid at a positive, middle of the road gym, than the best gym in the area with abusive coaching. Your daughter can find her love for gym again somewhere else. She is young, try a few, find the right fit for her. Good luck.

 

[mamaoftwo]

Thanks, everyone. I am glad that I may not just be overreacting.

DD's coach is the only available coach at this level. For L4, her current coach is the head coach. There is an assistant, but from what I hear that person isn't much better, and not there all of the time. Her current coach also has a part in L5, but what extent is unclear to me. In any event, this would be for the long haul.

DD will be heartbroken to leave her teammates, but I know it's the right thing to do. Tomorrow I will call other gyms. There are a few that I am interested in peeking at. I hope there's a good fit for her. It's tough as many of these gyms compete L3, and we don't, so she may sort-of be in a grey area. DD is basically training L4 - and would be expected to compete L4 next Sept at her current gym. But she is still working on some L3ish/L4ish skills.

To be brutally honest, our group of 9 L3 girls is now a group of 6. They have lost 1/3 of the girls since the spring for similar issues. It just wasn't any fun for them. None of them have set foot in a gym since they quit. I don't want that to be my DD. She adores this sport, despite her coach.

She does have a Dx anxiety disorder. She also has SPD, which is the reason we tried gymnastics in the first place. She was both a "seeker" and a "avoider" and it was a great activity to help with both. Lots of energy expenditure, lots of new stimuli to get used to. It seems to have been a good fit for her. Lets hope she can love it wholly again.

 

[mamaoftwo]

Sarahs mom: Thanks for your insight. I totally agree. Why WOULD my DD get her BHS when she's told so frequently that it's awful? I was amazed that the one (former) coach she trusted gave her a finger spot and she did four in a row, without a thought. Her team coach walked over and DD couldn't do it. Spoke volumes to me.

And also, I have no doubt that her falling off the beam was at least partially due to her emotional status before she even started. I knew she was going to fall long before she actually fell. I could just see it in her body language. She didn't trust herself.

I've been told they want the girls afraid of them so that they are more afraid of the coaches than they are of the skills they are learning. Apparently, this theory does not work for my DD.

 

[mamaoftwo]

Oh, Bog, bless you. My DH is threatening to take DD up there tomorrow and making her coach at least acknowledge the bruises and scrapes. I know it won't go over well, but that probably won't matter anyway. I doubt we'll be back. (disclaimer: I know injuries are a part of gymnastics - it's not the injury itself I am upset about, it's how the coach handled the entire situation. DD has certainly been banged up a bit in the past while there).

Last week the girls had to jump up onto a mat that was a good 2 feet high, perhaps a smidgen taller. One of the girls is only 5, and she is a tiny little thing. When she cried due to frustration in her own inability to complete the task, her coach got frustrated and yelled, "Well, if you wanted an easy sport, you should have taken up bowling!". All of us parents could hear it - I was appalled. Maybe could have been funny to an older, more seasoned audience, but this block wasn't much taller than this poor little 5 year old. When this kid kept trying and got it, and a short while later a 6 year old was tired and struggling, the coach yelled "C'mon (name of 6 year old), (the five year old's name here) is doing better than you, and she's not only younger than you, but she's the smallest!".

I feel like an idiot for not running sooner.

 

[cher062]

Cher I really do have to disagree with you here.

Her dd was left alone, pushed over the bars, had her hair pulled, was yelled at and and belittled for not being as good as the other girls.

Seriously I do not think my kids were pushed, pulled or yelled at in all their years in the gym, if they had they sure wouldn't have stayed. Those behaviours are not about "team" or "JO gymnastics", that is just bullying. The OP's dd is still a little kid and is not in a position to defend herself.

If we as parents say that it is okay to bully kids because "team" is tough, then we are losing sight of what childhood is supposed to look like. Allowing a kid to accept this treatment as "normal" is a slippery slope to really awful abuses of power.

Sometimes the stuff I read here makes me wonder what goes on in peoples heads. The coach is ridiculous. Give me her number and I'll tell her to her face.

I never said to stay with that coach or to tough it out - I believe I did say that if my DD experienced what she posted I would be out of that gym looking for another. I don't think I said let your kid get bullied, hair pulled etc. I agree with you on our above post about not letting your child pushed around by an obviously out of control coach. But I did say that team isn't for every kid and it IS harder than rec class and the coaching isn't the same as it is for rec class and team is harder and there is more stress to it and if that is the issue in Addition to the crazy coach there are other options like Prep Op. The OP has alot going on in this situation and she knows her DD best as to if this is something her DD wants to do and if it is she needs a different coach or a different gym. I'm just saying look at everything to make sure it really is something DD wants to do.

 

[cher062]

mama having the girls afraid of the coaches is not a good coaching style at all!! they should respect the coaches and trust that they wouldn't ask them to do anything the coaches didn't think they could do.
I would at this point RUN to another gym or activity. That is no way for a coach to act.

 

[mtbmom]

To say I am irate is the understatement of the century. My instinct says to get my DD the heck out of this gym. Is this just me being a mama bear, or does it seem justified?

You're instinct is right. RUN do not walk away from this "coach."

What you describe is physical (yanking on pony tail) and verbal abuse. Report this coach immediately to the gym owner and director and explain that this coach is why you are pulling your DD from the program. Do NOT teach your daughter that it is o.k. for adults to treat children this way. There are gyms out there with many, many coach who are strict but kind. We found a gym with wonderful coaches after striking out at 2 gyms. 1 program with abusive coach similar to what you described and one with a horrible program and coaches trying to do their best but it just not working out...

I would go for the not "best" gym in your state. Ask yourself this, "what are my goals for my daughter's gymnastics?" "what are her goals?" I bet neither answer is the coaching and ABUSE you describe. I wonder if my daughters former coach moved to the midwest, LOL...

Good luck and please let us know how you do...