WAG Problems with teammates

[Skye Fernandez]

So DD (8) switched gyms at the beginning of the summer. It seemed she had a hard time fitting in but I assumed it was because she was new and everyone would warm up to each other eventually. But it's 4 months in and things just seem to be getting worse. It's just your basic mean girl stuff. But DD comes home in tears very often. Today I guess a couple of girls kept commenting on how terrible her gymnastics was. And now she just feels so defeated. Im really not sure what to do. We didnt have these problems at her old gym. Everybody was best friends. We are very happy with everything else at this new gym. This is the only problem. A friend suggested talking with the coach about it. But our coaches are all always so busy. Do they really want to hear about stuff like this? At her ood gym the coach/owner made it pretty clear she didnt want anything to do with any drama. So Im kind of hesitant. But if it's at the point that my daughter is thinking about not even going back maybe this is a conversation meant to be had with a coach. Idk. Thoughts???

 

[sce]

A good coach cares that the team acts like a team. Meanness like this should be addressed by the coach.

 

[txgymfan]

Talk to the coach, also try to identify the nicest girl on the team and try to make outside plans with her.

 

[Greatlakesmom]

I agree with the previous posters. I recommend talking with the coach, especially if she is getting to the point where she doesn’t want to go back. Our gym has zero tolerance for bullying and has sat groups down in the past when necessary to remind the girls that they need to be supportive of each other and good teammates. I also agree that it is a good idea to try to make outside plans with one or two of her teammates.

 

[Leila]

First of all, totally not cool. And even though coaches are busy, they can always tell how every girl is being treated. In our gym, we have a zero bullying policy. We also have a parent liaison that acts as a messenger between the parents and the gym. Usually a problem like this should be addressed to the liaison, gym manager, or coaches. Tell your daughter to be strong. Also, team building activities have always helped. We try to do activities outside the gym 3-4 times a year, and sometimes even more often. Good luck!

 

[gymdog]

As a catch I would DEFINITELY want to know if your daughter doesn't want to go back to practice for any reason, and have the chance to correct it. I would ask at the front desk for the coach's email or to leave them a message. And then either send an email or print your draft of it for the office to give to the coach.

 

[Jard.the.gymnast]

Yes, we coaches do want to know about it, even if we are busy. Bullying is not OK and it should never be.

 

[Aussie_coach]

Sometimes you also need to take a step back and observe the gym environment, or even just the environment of that group under the direction of a particular coach.

Is the gym/coach warm, friendly positive. Is the energy of the gym positive and engaging. Bullying can be a by product of a negative environment.

 

[raenndrops]

I agree with the previous posters. I recommend talking with the coach, especially if she is getting to the point where she doesn’t want to go back. Our gym has zero tolerance for bullying and has sat groups down in the past when necessary to remind the girls that they need to be supportive of each other and good teammates. I also agree that it is a good idea to try to make outside plans with one or two of her teammates.

We just recently, like 2 weeks ago or so, had a whole team 1/2 hour+ conversation about this. Unfortunately, the 2 girls that REALLY needed to hear it were not there that day, so their group coach was going to reiterate it the following practice to her group. So OP should definitely talk to the coach.
And making outside plans sounds like a good idea.

 

[SMH]

Absolutely let the coaches know. My kiddo has dealt with some mean girls in gym and we let the coaches know so they could monitor the situation.

 

[Madden3]

Hi we had an issue with my son who is a bit older at the time being bullied at gym practice.

I agree talk to the coach. Leave a message for them at the gym or email them or text them to set up a time to talk, rather than expecting them to have time just before, during or after practice. This is an important conversation and you don’t want it to be rushed or possibly overheard also best if your child is not necessarily there at the time in my opinion. This is an important conversation and you don’t wanted to be rushed or possibly overheard also best if your child is not necessarily there at the time in my opinion
Suggest you jot down a few (at least two) clear incidences where children have been specifically cruel to your daughter so that what you relate to the coach is strong and specific. Targeting of one child for repeated teasing or put downs is not “drama“ it is a form of bullying.

but honestly also be realistic about how much the coach can do . Try to treat this as a learning experience in determination, discretion and resiliency for your daughter . Like most people she will face obstacles throughout her life and mean girls will probably be one of the least. Is she really going to let some unkind comments stop her from doing something healthy that she enjoys? If she lets some random girls harm her confidence about gymnastics what other poor influences will there in the future?
I also agree it makes sense to try to help her forge a real friendship at gym but friendships outside of gym can also fill that need. Ultimately what helped my son the most was the great friends he had outside of gym, the knowledge that his coaches liked and appreciated him, and gaining perspective. The teasing really never stopped he just learned to deal with it better.

 

[Skye Fernandez]

Thanks for the advice. She went to practice yesterday. She didnt really want to but she didnt want to not get to be in the meet so she went. I emailed the head coach last night asking for a meeting. I dont think this is reflective of the gym. DD tells me all the time the coaches here are alot nicer than the coaches at her last gym.

 

[Madden3]

I really hope things start to improve- I know how difficult and frustrating these situations are.

 

[Skye Fernandez]

So I was contacted by one of the coaches on Tuesday. I was told they would have a talk with whole team about what it means to act like a team. According to my daughter that talk has still not happened. DD did say no one has teased her for a few days but her teammates are still being nitpicky with her. Like shes to the point that she doesn't even talk to anybody because a simple question causes her teammates to snap at her. And though shes not being teased her teammates completely pick apart her gymnastics. Like what she did wrong and what not. Im really not sure what to do at this point.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

There really shouldn’t be “basic mean girl stuff”

I’d be getting more details from the coaches and watching practice, including how kids interact before and after practice.

But I’d not likely be keeping my kid in that environment.

 

[Madden3]

How specific is your daughter able to be about exactly who is saying these things to her, and what exactly they are saying? Other information you can gather is precisely when during practice these things are being said.

With my son I found that when we were able to look at the situation very specifically it was easier for me to get a grasp of what was going on and I could help him both learn to avoid certain issues as well as gain perspective. It really took me a long time of careful questioning to get a true sense of what was happening and what it turned out to be was there was basically one kid who was the ringleader who had a specific identifiable beef with my child - and who also had a history of being unkind to his teammates- and this kid had a lot of social power and the rest of them were going along with it like sheep.

Understanding the specifics of the situation helped me help my son put things into perspective and also to learn to simply avoid as much as possible the particularly problematic person.

It would seem it would be obvious immediately to the person who is being teased or badgered what is going on - but often these situations involve fairly complicated group dynamics and the kid really needs help understanding what those are and this can help them navigate.

I also had to learn the hard way that telling my son to speak up and object to this treatment directly to the boys actually made it worse. Instead he needed to learn to be non reactive in the moment. Children who are teasing and bullying other children are looking for an immediate reaction and if they don’t get it they may get bored and move on.

This does not mean you ignore the treatment, It is correct to tell the coaches of course. And it may be that a direct objection approach will work well for your daughter-it just did not work in my son’s case.

As far as the meeting happening I think it actually would be smart of a coach to take a few days and examine the group dynamics before they have the discussion.

Also in my experience it is not like these things get fixed quickly it can take quite a bit of time and experimentation to find the approach that helps. If you felt honestly listened to by the coach rather than dismissed I think that is a good sign.

I would suggest sharing with the coach right away The specific information that your child is being critiqued by the other gymnasts. Corrections are the coaches job and it should be a simple matter to simply forbid the practice by gymnasts. I believe there is a place for supportive critique by ones teammates but it would not typically work with children this young or obviously in a situation where one teammate is feeling targeted by or on the outs with the others.