WAG Quitting JO after a month?

[Jessleemom]

My 9 year old recently joined the JO team at her gym. She will be competing level 3 this year and is with girls who have been on preteam for several years. Her background is just a couple years of rec classes. She insisted this was something she wanted to do and I know she IS capable.

Now, one month into it, she's doing what she always does when things get tough and she's saying she doesn't want to do it anymore. This happened every time she moved up in rec too and I know its because she doesn't like not being the best. Everyone else knows the routine (she doesn't yet) and she's struggling with her stride circle on bars and her dismount on beam. She has every other skill.

I want to encourage her to see it through. I just dropped $300 on apparel and the first meet is next month. I need to pay the stupid surcharge fee too but it's awful hard to convince myself to spend $1,000 on something my kid says she doesn't want to do anymore. Would you make your gymnast finish what she started or just let her quit? The alternative is going to compete with Xcel but once she makes that move I don't feel like she can ever go back to JO. At least not at this gym.

 

[OrchidZ]

My take on it has always been (if there are no issues with injury/coaching/etc.. of course), "Once that first set of fees are paid, you're committed through the season. Your team is counting on you. When the season is over, we can talk about it." It's about living up to your commitments. I also really like the mantra "Don't quit on a bad day." When she's got the routine and skills, if she still isn't enjoying it.. that's meaningful. But perseverance and dedication are two of the lessons the sports teach. Quitting because it got harder won't help her learn those skills.

I understand the part about the $1000, but think about it this way: you were happy to pay the $1000 when you thought she'd be learning the sport and competing. How much better is it if she pushes through and proves to herself that she can do something if she sets her mind to it? Regardless of if she still decides she doesn't want to continue afterward, it's a life lesson. Honoring your commitments is a life lesson. It's worth it.

If it were me, I'd have her finish the season and then re-evaluate.

Good luck

 

[txgymfan]

Do you owe the surcharge if she starts or not? Frankly, at 9 if she’s already resisting I’d switch to XCel. It’s a long season and gymnastics is a dangerous sport if an athlete is not fully committed. Gymnastics is simply too expensive and time consuming for parents to commit to unless the athlete is completely on board.

 

[Madden3]

The right approach in such a situation depends so much on the particular kid. But here is another suggestion:
Rather than making it about the money or the team commitment (which is fine, this is just another idea):

What about making it about her and her progress? From what you are saying this sounds most like a confidence/self consciousness issue because she is comparing herself to her teammates. IMO it is not a good lesson for a kid to learn she should quit something in order to avoid the discomfort and embarrassment of not measuring up (in her eyes.) Moving to xcel or even another sport or activity will not solve this underlying issue. No matter what she does in life, there will be times she struggles to learn something and times she is not as good as the others around her. We can only gain perspective about such situations if we experience them.

She does not know the routine, and does not have a couple skills, but you are confident she will be able to do these things with a little more time and patience. So, maybe consider that she needs to stick with it until she DOES know the routine and can do the missing skills. THEN you can leave open the idea you will have another conversation about whether or not she wants to quit.

As far as the money, my opinion is that if you can afford the money for your daughter to compete level 3 gymnastics, you can afford to spend that money for her to learn that she can stick something out even when it is hard. Of course in this case the one compliments the other. My point is, I long ago gave up thinking the money spent was about learning how to do well and advance competitively in gymnastics. There are many more important lessons learned from doing something as difficult as competing in a very hard to learn, progressive sport.

 

[mommyof1]

If you are pretty sure she's just overwhelmed because she isn't the "best" and will eventually acclimate, I'd first talk to the gym and find out whether they would let her switch to Xcel if she were still unhappy in JO in a couple of months. My daughter's old gym used to allow this as a way to keep kids from quitting.

If that's not an option, I'd have her make a final decision about what she wants to do for the season before paying the $1,000 surcharge. She commits to participate in L3 for the remainder of the season no matter what, she switches to Xcel, or she decides not to continue with gymnastics. Once you've paid or withdrawn her from the program, her decision stands until after the state meet. She is old enough to make her own decision and understand the consequences.

For what it's worth, I've seen many many kids decide after a month of summer training that JO just isn't for them and either switch to Xcel or leave the sport. On the other hand, my own kid has gone through many periods of incessant complaining that gymnastics is too hard, she's frustrated, she's the worst on the team, etc., but she has always been adamant that she wanted to remain on the JO track and overcome the challenges.

As the parent, you know your daughter best and are in the best position to determine whether she just needs a little push to get through a temporary rough patch, or needs you to let her know it's okay to stop.

 

[3rd_time_around]

If she were mine, I’d explain that she committed to this and has to finish it, but at the end of the season we will discuss it and make a decision about going forward. It does get hard, but this is a good lesson about finishing what you start and keeping your commitments. Giving up when things get hard or you’re not the best is the easy way out, but think about how she’ll feel when she scores her first 9.0 or gets her first medal, or better yet, when she masters that skill she’s struggling with right now!

 

[M2Abi]

If it were my child, I would make her finish the season that she committed to. After the season is over, then you can re-evaluate. I also think she needs to see what it is really like to compete, to determine if it is something she wants to do or not.

 

[amiandjim]

I agree with telling her she made a commitment and she will finish the season. If after that she hates it, then allow her to quit.

 

[MILgymFAM]

I’m not personally a fan of putting good money after bad, so I would have a talk with her and tell her if she’s sure she’s made a mistake and it’s not for her that she can quit. But there would be no going back to JO. That’s just me. Once I’ve paid all the money it would be till the end of the commitment period unless there was a health and safety reason.

 

[RTT2]

I’m not personally a fan of putting good money after bad, so I would have a talk with her and tell her if she’s sure she’s made a mistake and it’s not for her that she can quit. But there would be no going back to JO. That’s just me. Once I’ve paid all the money it would be till the end of the commitment period unless there was a health and safety reason.

I agree. The fact that I spent $300 would not make me feel like I should spend another $1000 if she wasn't really committed. I do believe in following through with things, but I've been in the position of having to drag an unwilling child to practice (and a much cheaper sport than gymnastics!), and it can be misery. I would have a very serious talk with my child about what she wants and is willing to put forth toward the sport before spending more money on it.

 

[Flippin'A]

Honestly, I would talk through what her fears/frustrations are and give her encouragement, but I wouldn't make her continue. It's hard to conceptualize how difficult JO gymnastics is if you've never done it, so I would give her a break on the "you made a commitment" thing given that she didn't necessarily have a full idea of what that commitment would feel like. I also know that high intensity gymnastics is difficult, dangerous, and often has lasting effects on the body that follow you into adulthood, so I consider it a body autonomy thing for my daughter to decide if she wants to do that or not. There are some things that aren't negotiable (she has to get her shots even though they hurt) but in my mind her extracurriculars are up to her and if she doesn't want to put her body through that then we'll find something else. I would make it clear that she can't hop back over to JO if she changes her mind, and probably tell her that whatever alternative she decides to try instead can't be too expensive. I don't think this is a question that has a right answer, necessarily (I understand everyone's point about wanting to instill a "don't give up attitude") but just because of the nature of the sport I'd probably lean toward not forcing the issue if she really wasn't into it.

 

[Jessleemom]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've asked her a few times if she still feels the same way and she says yes. She wants to quit JO and go to Xcel. I've reiterated that she can't go back to JO. We're not going to change our minds every couple of months. This is a final decision.

I asked her what percentage of her decision was fear and she said only about 5%, the only thing that scares her is the shoot through on bars. She said she knows she's capable of getting the skills. This month with JO just made her realize that she does gymnastics for fun. All her friends from rec are in Xcel. She knows the Xcel coaches. And she wants a more relaxed, fun experience. She doesn't even want to go back to JO practice on Monday.

I already spoke to the Xcel coach and they said they'd be happy to have her. I think I'm going to let it go and move her over. I don't want her to be unhappy and I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't really want to do. Glad I waited to pay that surcharge!

 

[RTT2]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've asked her a few times if she still feels the same way and she says yes. She wants to quit JO and go to Xcel. I've reiterated that she can't go back to JO. We're not going to change our minds every couple of months. This is a final decision.

I asked her what percentage of her decision was fear and she said only about 5%, the only thing that scares her is the shoot through on bars. She said she knows she's capable of getting the skills. This month with JO just made her realize that she does gymnastics for fun. All her friends from rec are in Xcel. She knows the Xcel coaches. And she wants a more relaxed, fun experience. She doesn't even want to go back to JO practice on Monday.

I already spoke to the Xcel coach and they said they'd be happy to have her. I think I'm going to let it go and move her over. I don't want her to be unhappy and I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't really want to do. Glad I waited to pay that surcharge!

What a great update! She knows what she wants and it's fantastic that you are supportive of her moving over to a path that better suits her gymnastics goals. I bet she will thrive in Xcel!

 

[amiandjim]

Although I said I wouldn’t let her quit, I have changed my mind. It sounds like she has a solid handle on how she feels and knows what she wants...good for her!

 

[txgymfan]

Thanks for the update. It sounds like she has solid reasons to wanting to go to Xcel. I’m so glad you were able to communicate clearly and positively.

 

[cmg]

My take on it has always been (if there are no issues with injury/coaching/etc.. of course), "Once that first set of fees are paid, you're committed through the season. Your team is counting on you. When the season is over, we can talk about it." It's about living up to your commitments. I also really like the mantra "Don't quit on a bad day." When she's got the routine and skills, if she still isn't enjoying it.. that's meaningful. But perseverance and dedication are two of the lessons the sports teach. Quitting because it got harder won't help her learn those skills.

I understand the part about the $1000, but think about it this way: you were happy to pay the $1000 when you thought she'd be learning the sport and competing. How much better is it if she pushes through and proves to herself that she can do something if she sets her mind to it? Regardless of if she still decides she doesn't want to continue afterward, it's a life lesson. Honoring your commitments is a life lesson. It's worth it.

If it were me, I'd have her finish the season and then re-evaluate.

Good luck

I agree with this! Our gym has a non-binding one year "commitment" the girls even sign the form.

 

[3cats]

I'm so glad you both listened to each other with open minds and respect and found a solution that will keep you both in love with the sport. Xcel is a great program! I wish her much success and joy this season!

 

[coachmolly]

I coached Xcel last year and there was a little girl who had been moved to the level 3 team who was miserable. She loved gymnastics and was pretty talented but hated the precision of the level 3 routines, going over the minute little details of dance, and feeling frustrated with gymnastics and herself. She had frequent melt downs and was difficult to coach. Level 3s weren't usually allowed to move to Xcel, but the level 3 coach and I orchestrated and the child was completely different once in Xcel. She still had her moments on days we were working on "fixing" routines or doing more dance type stuff, but for the most part she was a completely different child who was happy and thriving. She got lots of medals at meets, some pretty awesome scores, and walked away at the end of the season with the most improved award.
I know Xcel can get a bad reputation in some gyms as a "lesser" program, but for some kids it really is the absolute best option and a place for them to shine.

 

[Jessleemom]

So...her JO coach called me over the weekend. We talked. She said she thinks Avery is capable of getting all the skills and routines in time for competition at the end of next month. She was surprised to hear that Avery thinks she's behind the other girls. She reiterated that it is very rare for girls at the gym to move from Xcel to JO. She suggested Avery see it through for the remainder of this season and then decide.

I told Avery all these things and she decided to go to JO practice today. She came home super positive. She got one of the skills she was struggling with. The coach gave her a pep talk about how hard she's working.

I'm not sure what to think at this point. I told her it's her decision. But she needs to make it soon. And now she says she wants to finish what she started. Children can be so confusing sometimes. Wish us luck. It will either be an example of what she's capable of or a great life lesson in decision making and follow through.

 

[John]

@Jessleemom I would love an update?