Parents Quitting??

[Gymforlife]

I have been reading thread after thread trying to gain wisdom and insight from all you gym moms regarding our current situation. You are full of great advice and have more "gym mom" experience than myself so here it is: My dd is 11 and training (new) level 6 this season. This will be her third competitive season if we make it that far. Last year she placed first AA at State in L5 and scored out of old 6 this summer. She has a great coach who says she has a lot of talent and goes beyond what any other coach has done for her. The problems started last year when she developed fear issues after a bad night on BB at a meet. Ever since then she has had complaints of not being good enough because she can't get a new skill or she is afraid of it. This summer she and her teammates started working giants and BHS on beam. All was fine until she fell into pit head first during a spotted giant. She refused to do them again even on LB. The rest of her teammates are progressing and she feels like that means she isn't good enough. Her coach isn't pushing those but now telling her she only gets 1 spot on BHS on LB and then she's on her own. She frequently states she doesn't want to quit but that it's too much pressure and now she doesn't want to compete or go to gym 4 days per week. Her floor and beam routines are beautiful and she loves performing them at practice. However last week she starting balking on a ROBHSBT because her coach wouldn't let her warm up a ROBHS. This has never been a problem before. She came home upset again!! I finally decided to pull her out for November so she could figure out what "she" wanted. I told her I would love her no matter what but deep down I am devastated. Her coach wasn't happy but I felt it was the only way to see if the love for gymnastics was still there. Now I am wondering if I did the right thing. Any thoughts??

 

[SignHere]

New level 6 is the perfect level for gymmies with fear issues. Your post strikes me that the main problem is the coach. He should be able to design a routine that completely avoids any fear issues for your DD.

Also, forcing your DD to do skills when she is balking without warming up gradually is a sure recipe for disaster, I.e., more balking and potentially injuring herself.

Goodluck

 

[MaryA]

It's so hard. When she does quit, it would be good if she quit from a place of strength instead of feeling defeated by it. If it was after the comp season, I'd say yes, definitely, a month off to see if she misses it could be a good strategy. But if you think she may want to go back, November is a tough month to miss. If she decides to go back, she is likely to feel even more far behind and it puts the coaches in a tough place of having to decide whether to let her compete. Unfortunately this year it's not quite as simple as just letting her repeat a level because the routines have all changed.

For what it's worth, what your daughter is going through is totally normal. At 11, she is likely growing quite fast and is having to adjust her skills to an ever-changing body. Last year my DD who was an 11-year-old level 7 had a total freak-out right before meet season. I came in to practice one night to find her sobbing and having lost every skill she ever had. Truly, her coach kept her after practice to spot her on a ROBHS just to show her it was still there. A ROBHS. At level 7. The coaches took beam and bars off the table for her first meet. Told her to just focus on floor and vault. She ended up placing on both of those events with a 9+ and competed all 4 events and qualified for States a couple weeks later. By mid-season she was scoring 36+ at every meet. The event she consistently placed the highest in was bars, which she wasn't even ready to compete at the first meet.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Not there with dd yet, but I know of a few gymnasts who went through similar situations. One took some time off JO and went to excel instead where she flourished because the pressure was off... She still got to compete if she wanted to,but didn't have as much stress about certain skills and didn't spend as many hours in the gym.
For me personally my gut instinct would be to stubbornly power through and do whatever I could to help dd overcome the fear/get the necessary skill but that approach doesn't work for everyone.

 

[kandkfunk]

We are in a very similar situation. Sometimes kids get over these fears, but sometimes it is a constant struggle. You know your kid best, but I know pulling mine would magnify the fear. That's because a lot of her fears are reignited when she doesn't work a skill for a while. She's been doing ROBHSLO for 3 years, but if she doesn't do them consistently, she'll develop a fear and have to work back up to them. And she always needs warm-up tumbling. As a parent, it's frustrating. As a gymnast, it can be devastating because they really don't know why they are afraid. Intellectually, they know the fear is mostly not rational, but that doesn't change the feeling. My DD is working hard to deal with her fears, but it's a constant work in progress. I don't see the fears completely going away for her.

 

[Gymforlife]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It is such a hard place to be in. My dd was given the option to compete Excel or just go to a couple of advanced classes every week but she doesn't seem to want that either. I think she would feel embarrassed because she would still be practicing with her peers.

My main reason for taking time off now was to prevent investing more $$ into meets that she may not compete in. Part of me wants to just tell her tomorrow "It's time for practice let's go," and the other part of me says to just wait it out.

The coaching is another thing to think about because she will have the same coaches if she goes to EXCEL. Maybe that is her thought too ?? I really think her coach has her best interest in mind but doesn't have the best gym ethics at times. Changing gyms isn't an option because everything else is over an hour away.

The hardest part of this is she won't talk about it and I don't want to make it worse by bringing it up. So hard

 

[Kiwi]

I don't understand why the coach wouldn't let her do warm-up tumbling? Is it possible you could talk to the coach about her fears? I've seen girls quit because of fears when coaches tried to push them through it instead of taking them back a few steps to get their confidence back. It also sounds like a lot of the pressure is being put on your DD by herself. All the talk of being 'not good enough', it sounds like she is beating herself up for every little thing. My DD also does this, and I talk to her a lot about it, trying to help her develop more positive thinking habits, and it does help her. I've seen others here recommend Doc Ali, which we haven't tried, but it could be worth looking into. It seems a shame for your DD to quit when she has talent and still has the desire to do it.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Speaking from experience as I have a DD with a fair share of fear issues. I have had to work very hard to stay out it as best I could. Even me asking how practice was would make her stress out more about whatever skill she was balking at at the time. I had my DD do the webcamp from Alison Arnold for a couple of months and it really seemed to help, plus she did compete 2 years of xcel platinum and since she could put in what she was doing well at any given time it helped boost her confidence and she really had a great 2nd season in the xcel program.

You really should talk to the coaches and maybe they can back off the skills that are making her balk and go back to the place where she felt confident and work from there! The more pressure she feels the more she will overthink and stress out about it!

I agree with what MaryA said that this time of year is a bad time to take a break. She may feel even more behind the other girls. It is so hard to know what the right answer is but hopefully she decides to stick it out! It will get better!

 

[kayjaybe]

This was my dd (age 11 now) last year w/her BWO on beam. She had HUGE fear issues...and thought she was the only one to ever have them. She competed L6 all year, but had that BWO fear all year, even through states. She'd get so worked up about it that she'd physically make herself sick at practice sometimes.

The coaches would refuse to spot her at times. They knew she could do the skill. Continuing to spot wasn't really helping her. That did mean that sometimes she spent part of the practice in tears.

She is facing the same thing this year with the BHS on beam, but to a bit lesser extent, thank goodness. But because of it, she is competing L5 this year. (Our gym isn't doing 6.)

The one thing I've seen is that she is learning to work through her fear more quickly this time around. I think ultimately it will make her a better gymnast and person. She is learning to fight through the struggles. It is a great life lesson.

I agree with a pp that cautioned you on allowing her to take time off during these struggles. My dd wanted to skip practice because she was so scared, but I knew that for her, it would make it worse. Any time she has time away from her "fear skill," it is worse when she returns.

Of course, you know your dd best. Perhaps a break is best. You might also try to schedule a meeting with the HC to talk to him/her about the fear issue and your child. They have worked through this many, many times with different kids. A bit of info from you on how to best work with your child might help.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

your daughter is done i'm afraid to say.

 

[Gymforlife]

D

your daughter is done i'm afraid to say.

Why do you say that?? I want some insight here because I coach at the gym and have 2 more dd in the pre team level. Thanks!!

 

[Gymforlife]

This was my dd (age 11 now) last year w/her BWO on beam. She had HUGE fear issues...and thought she was the only one to ever have them. She competed L6 all year, but had that BWO fear all year, even through states. She'd get so worked up about it that she'd physically make herself sick at practice sometimes.

The coaches would refuse to spot her at times. They knew she could do the skill. Continuing to spot wasn't really helping her. That did mean that sometimes she spent part of the practice in tears.

She is facing the same thing this year with the BHS on beam, but to a bit lesser extent, thank goodness. But because of it, she is competing L5 this year. (Our gym isn't doing 6.)

The one thing I've seen is that she is learning to work through her fear more quickly this time around. I think ultimately it will make her a better gymnast and person. She is learning to fight through the struggles. It is a great life lesson.

I agree with a pp that cautioned you on allowing her to take time off during these struggles. My dd wanted to skip practice because she was so scared, but I knew that for her, it would make it worse. Any time she has time away from her "fear skill," it is worse when she returns.

Of course, you know your dd best. Perhaps a break is best. You might also try to schedule a meeting with the HC to talk to him/her about the fear issue and your child. They have worked through this many, many times with different kids. A bit of info from you on how to best work with your child might help.

Thanks for your insight. I think the damage is done. She finally opened up today and said there is too much pressure coming from her coach and she doesn't know why she is afraid to do these skills. I have talked to her coach almost daily and she keeps encouraging me but said that my dd is capable of doing the harder skills and may be seeking attention or that she is a perfectionist and if she can't do a skill quickly she starts becoming fearful of it. I don't want to debate her too much because that tends to make things more difficult for my dd during practice. Feel like I'm talking in circles!! Sorry

 

[Flossyduck]

Really difficult. It sounds as though she has been battling with the pressure, the fears the frustrations for a while and some of these smaller things now are just hairs on camels backs. If you imagine dealing with that for a while and it being such a big part of your life, maybe she's just tired and needs to get off for a while?

Like others have said, you know your dd best and getting further behind might make it worse. I don't know the US meet season timing.

We had a girl in our gym, a very good one, who was struggling with injury and had a fall and struggled with fear and announced she was giving up. It was a big shock. She didn't come back to the gym for maybe six months, but then she did - just like that. And she's catching up quickly and looking good.

Good luck.

 

[bookworm]

Thanks for your insight. I think the damage is done. She finally opened up today and said there is too much pressure coming from her coach and she doesn't know why she is afraid to do these skills. I have talked to her coach almost daily and she keeps encouraging me but said that my dd is capable of doing the harder skills and may be seeking attention or that she is a perfectionist and if she can't do a skill quickly she starts becoming fearful of it. I don't want to debate her too much because that tends to make things more difficult for my dd during practice. Feel like I'm talking in circles!! Sorry

I agree with Dunno, I think she is done too and for a couple of reasons...she feels too much pressure from her coach, and the coach thinks she's is fearful because she is "seeking attention" and if that's how the coach sees it, there will be no resolution that will be positive for your daughter. I would say try a different gym (and hence, different coach) but in a prior post you said that was not an option, so I think for her sanity's sake, time for a different sport or activity (like dance or cheerleading)

 

[Gymforlife]

It's so hard. When she does quit, it would be good if she quit from a place of strength instead of feeling defeated by it. If it was after the comp season, I'd say yes, definitely, a month off to see if she misses it could be a good strategy. But if you think she may want to go back, November is a tough month to miss. If she decides to go back, she is likely to feel even more far behind and it puts the coaches in a tough place of having to decide whether to let her compete. Unfortunately this year it's not quite as simple as just letting her repeat a level because the routines have all changed.

For what it's worth, what your daughter is going through is totally normal. At 11, she is likely growing quite fast and is having to adjust her skills to an ever-changing body. Last year my DD who was an 11-year-old level 7 had a total freak-out right before meet season. I came in to practice one night to find her sobbing and having lost every skill she ever had. Truly, her coach kept her after practice to spot her on a ROBHS just to show her it was still there. A ROBHS. At level 7. The coaches took beam and bars off the table for her first meet. Told her to just focus on floor and vault. She ended up placing on both of those events with a 9+ and competed all 4 events and qualified for States a couple weeks later. By mid-season she was scoring 36+ at every meet. The event she consistently placed the highest in was bars, which she wasn't even ready to compete at the first meet.

It sounds like your dd has a great coach who is willing to work with your dd. I'm glad it has worked out for her. Unfortunately, my dd's coach says she will give her space but continues to push her on just another event. So discouraging!

 

[LIGYMMOM]

In general, when a kid is "rescued" from a fearful situation (assuming they are safe), it brings relief for a short time but makes it harder for them to overcome the fear in the long run. I agree with Mary about quitting from a place of strength. Help her to work through her fears and it will help her learn to have that life skill. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

 

[bookworm]

In general, when a kid is "rescued" from a fearful situation (assuming they are safe), it brings relief for a short time but makes it harder for them to overcome the fear in the long run. I agree with Mary about quitting from a place of strength. Help her to work through her fears and it will help her learn to have that life skill. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

While this would be nice, it doesn't seem like the OP's daughter's coach is willing to get her to the place of strength in her gymnastics...and maybe the strong move at this point is to walk away...

 

[GymMomXcel]

I'm sorry, I know how helpless you feel right now. My DD had a rough time during last season. She struggled with fears and her coach wasn't having it. I'm pretty sure she thought my DD was balking and crying for attention and she'd constantly tell her that she wasn't trying and I'm pretty sure that the coach didn't like my DD and her being an uncooperative gymnast because of her fears frustrated her. She was much, much different towards the fearless ones who got skills quickly. My DD felt a lot of pressure (admittedly, a lot from me as I constantly gave advice, lectured, asked, etc. .... Lessons learned) from her coach, me, and probably herself. I was 99% sure she felt done with it all. She cried every practice. Was not excited about going anymore. I even thought she may always struggle with her fears until they did her in. But.....

Fast forward to now. I'm merely the taxi driver and ask nothing more than if she had a good practice and just listen and support if she brings things up (SO important, I've found. The coaches need to supply the pressure. Us parents, just unconditional love and support). She got new coaches and a new team. The dynamic between her and her coaches is different. They just handle her personality different and give positives with negatives instead of all negatives. She started perking back up. She's worked through some of her fears and continues to work at them and has conquered some of them and gotten new skills. I am SO SO proud of the progress she is making as a person, working through things. She is excited to go to the gym again. In her story..a change in coaches made all the difference. Is that not an option? I know staying in the same gym, that may not be.. Could be awkward.

 

[Guenhwyvar132]

Just to add hurdling and pole vaulting are also sports gymnasts can do if she does decide to move on good luck deciding!

 

[Gymforlife]

In general, when a kid is "rescued" from a fearful situation (assuming they are safe), it brings relief for a short time but makes it harder for them to overcome the fear in the long run. I agree with Mary about quitting from a place of strength. Help her to work through her fears and it will help her learn to have that life skill. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Thank you for your response! Today she went outside to "see" if she could do her ROBHS. She couldn't do it out of fear. Did plenty of BHS. I tried to explain she is growing and just going through a stage. She was frustrated. I want to help her feel better but she doesn't want to go to the gym. I don't want her to leave gymnastics with this state of mind so I will talk to her coach when I go to the gym tomorrow. Praying for her tonight