Parents Quitting?

[Hannahco]

My 8 yr old dd has been at one gym for about 4 years. This is her third year on team. She has generally loved going to the gym and lamented not going on days off. Her coach has been very tough and often grouchy (meaning a lot of yelling, sarcasm, and negative talk), but she enjoyed what she was learning and got enough out of it that she was generally happy. I had qualms about it before, but other parents would often say, "Kids need to learn how to deal with difficult people. If she can handle this, she can handle anything." Recently, however, name calling has been added to the mix, and she no longer wanted to go to practice. I decided to pull her out because I believe it would be damaging for her to continue in that environment. She did not want to quit gymnastics, however, and so I had her try out at a couple of other gyms. I've had her in a new program for a few weeks. She is relieved that the atmosphere is more positive, but she's understandably missing her friends and the comfort of the familiar. She says she want to go back to the old gym, or quit. I can't take her back to the same situation, and wish now that I hadn't kept her there so long. I think if she pushes through for a month or so, she'll start to make friends and enjoy it more, and if she quits she'll regret it. She's a child who feels happy with a high level of physical activity, and gets very restless if she doesn't get it. She's one who is jumping and flipping whenever she gets a chance. I will soon need to make a decision about committing to the next season so I'll have to decide, one way or the other. Would you let your child quit, or have them stick it out for another season?

 

[triplethreat+1]

That is so tough... I agree on not letting her go back. Two thoughts: How 'in' are you if you sign her up for the next season? Could you not give a month's notice if it doesn't work out? Or if you discuss it with the office?
Also, if you do allow your dd to quit, you could require her to choose another activity /sport for the year. She's still young enough that she could go back after some time off anyway.

 

[Mish]

Transitioning to a new gym is hard. My dd and so many on here have been through it. There is always a common theme; it takes a good few months before they stop asking to go back to the old gym. My dd cried frequently after practice the first few weeks, and was just unhappy the next few. I kept telling her to just stick it out, and if she was truly unhappy we would talk at the end of season. That talk never happened, she had an amazing season, she never wanted to look back at the old gym and was extremely happy at the new. Give it time.

 

[txgymfan]

Give her a timeline. Agree to revisit the topic in a month or six weeks. During that time, have her tell you a few positives and one thing she could do to make the situation better after every practice. Invite a new teammate out for ice cream or a play date.

During the next month make a list of other activities she want to try. Investigate other athletic options like dance or diving. Then don't let her quit until you have a plan in place to cope with her excess energy.

 

[Muddlethru]

My daughter switched gyms when she was 11 years old and after her first meet as a Level 9. Like your daughter, she agreed to switch but once she was there, she cried and told me she wanted to go back to her old gym. I told her she was not going back to her old gym. She stayed in that depressed state for what seemed to me like 6 months; but if you ask her, she thinks it was only two weeks. It probably took about 1 month to accept her fate and try to adjust. But I really think it took close to six months for me to see her smile again. Her teammates tried to make her feel welcome. They planned sleepovers and parties to welcome her. She went and seemed to enjoy them but for some reason it seemed like she was just going through the motions. It was so difficult not seeing her smile or appear happy for months. But she adjusted. She's been there now for about 4 years and loves it. Give your daughter time. Summer is around the corner and teams usually do so many fun things during the summer.

 

[Hannahco]

That is so tough... I agree on not letting her go back. Two thoughts: How 'in' are you if you sign her up for the next season? Could you not give a month's notice if it doesn't work out? Or if you discuss it with the office?
Also, if you do allow your dd to quit, you could require her to choose another activity /sport for the year. She's still young enough that she could go back after some time off anyway.

Thank you for your thoughts, triplethreat. If I sign her up for next season I'll have to pay a part of the competition fees, maybe $350. That's non-refundable. So it would be a financial loss. I already lost about that much because the time that it became clear that I had to pull her out was right after I had paid the monthly dues.

It wouldn't be hard to require her to do another sport - she wants to spend every second doing sports. I have the opposite problem, finding a sport that has enough intensity for her but doesn't require me to travel every weekend.

 

[Seeker]

Give her some time to adjust. Also, I'm not sure what schedule your "season" is on, but there is often a lot of gym movement in May/June -- just in time for summer and uptraining, so she could very well wind up with some former teammates eventually joining her at the new gym. If the name-calling and general unpleasantness has continued at the old gym, I would think that other parents might also want a change.

This could also be shaped into a good experience for her learning how to adjust to new things. Talk to her about that and explain that it often takes people time to feel comfortable and happy in a new situation whether you move to a new school, new town, get a new job, etc... Maybe ask her how long she thinks it would take you/her dad/grandma/etc. to feel settled if you moved to a new city or got a new job (anything she can relate to) and then ask her to give herself at least that much time to feel more settled and happy with the gym change. We have been through it and it is very hard. But once you pass into the new normal/comfort zone range, it is usually smooth sailing from there.

 

[l.c.o]

I would consider having her stick it until the point which you have to pay any "extra fees", and if the date comes and she's still not quite settled, I might even conference quick with a coach. Gym changes are tough and it can take time for them to settle into new norms. Even if she's in a training group with girls at the same exact level as her former gym, working on the same exact skills... the girls are different, coach personalities are likely different, conditioning is different, drills are different, and expectations are different.

When my DD made her last gym change, her hours went decreased from 16 hours to 11 hours per week, and she went from having an intense "TOPS day" to having no "TOPS day", but she was still soooo sore for a good six weeks! Then she had to go and re-learn a couple of skills that the gym did differently and had clean up a few other things she'd already considered "good"... So, even with really liking the new gym, there was an adjustment period before she really felt acclimated and connected.

I'd gently remind her of the reasons she left. Have her make a list of the things she does like at the new gym. Maybe try to arrange a couple of playdates with a teammate or two (or all) - even if just for quick ice cream after practice. Basically, do some trial and error to help her associate the new gym with fun... Buy the girls all matching headbands, get a tshirt with the gym name, buy a new leo from the new gym's pro shop, go to open gyms, anything, LOL... she is comparing her current new, scary experience of trying to learn and fit in with the four years of FUN she remembers from the previous gym.

And I agree with the others who suggested maybe giving her a timeline/date to revisit. Even mark it on a calendar so there's something tangible for her to see. But if this is a sport she absolutely loved before, even despite the negative environment at the old gym, then I think it's worth her sticking it out a bit to see what happens.

 

[INgymdad]

Did you approach anyone at the old gym about this behavior? It's one thing to protect your child by removing them from an environment of concern, but how many others are affected by this that decided to stay? Someone needs to speak up. Abuse in any form should not be tolerated. Even if you decide to stay away you need to make sure you report this behavior appropriately or you are just turning your head to it. If you already did address this (but didn't mention it here) then thank you for doing so, and I apologize for assuming otherwise. Best of luck in whatever decision you and your DD make.

 

[duyetanh]

Did you approach anyone at the old gym about this behavior? It's one thing to protect your child by removing them from an environment of concern, but how many others are affected by this that decided to stay? Someone needs to speak up. Abuse in any form should not be tolerated. Even if you decide to stay away you need to make sure you report this behavior appropriately or you are just turning your head to it. If you already did address this (but didn't mention it here) then thank you for doing so, and I apologize for assuming otherwise. Best of luck in whatever decision you and your DD make.

Unfortunately, at gyms like this, the coaches are unable to change their ingrained behavior, it is who they are...thus the change must come on the gymnasts and Parents side. This is not said with malice. But if, for ex, a coach has coached a certain way for 20 years, and there is acceptance amongst the majority, it just won't change. Now if the whole gym revolted? Maybe.

 

[INgymdad]

Unfortunately, at gyms like this, the coaches are unable to change their ingrained behavior, it is who they are...thus the change must come on the gymnasts and Parents side. This is not said with malice. But if, for ex, a coach has coached a certain way for 20 years, and there is acceptance amongst the majority, it just won't change. Now if the whole gym revolted? Maybe.

Do you not understand how problematic this is? THIS is why there's so many abuses around the sport. I understand that you may think that a coach can't adjust their behavior if they have done it for so long, but the one thing that is outside of their control is the ability for the gym to adjust their employment status with them. Any reasonable gym owner that is worried about the liability of their business will listen and hopefully address any valid concerns.

 

[NutterButter]

Do you not understand how problematic this is? THIS is why there's so many abuses around the sport. I understand that you may think that a coach can't adjust their behavior if they have done it for so long, but the one thing that is outside of their control is the ability for the gym to adjust their employment status with them. Any reasonable gym owner that is worried about the liability of their business will listen and hopefully address any valid concerns.

You are wearing rose-colored glasses. Much of the time gym coach = gym owner.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Do you not understand how problematic this is? THIS is why there's so many abuses around the sport. I understand that you may think that a coach can't adjust their behavior if they have done it for so long, but the one thing that is outside of their control is the ability for the gym to adjust their employment status with them. Any reasonable gym owner that is worried about the liability of their business will listen and hopefully address any valid concerns.

This is just so woefully naive. I wish it worked like this.

 

[INgymdad]

This is just so woefully naive. I wish it worked like this.

Maybe so. My DD has only been in gymnastics for two years and only at a single gym. One of the owners is one of the coaches, and I suppose if it were her that anyone ever had a problem with it would be problematic. In this situation I would still bring it to her attention so that she can be self aware. The OP mentioned that this only recently started so maybe they don't realize they escalated to that point and the damage it's done to the gymnasts.

 

[Krisztina10]

My 8 yr old dd has been at one gym for about 4 years. This is her third year on team. She has generally loved going to the gym and lamented not going on days off. Her coach has been very tough and often grouchy (meaning a lot of yelling, sarcasm, and negative talk), but she enjoyed what she was learning and got enough out of it that she was generally happy. I had qualms about it before, but other parents would often say, "Kids need to learn how to deal with difficult people. If she can handle this, she can handle anything." Recently, however, name calling has been added to the mix, and she no longer wanted to go to practice. I decided to pull her out because I believe it would be damaging for her to continue in that environment. She did not want to quit gymnastics, however, and so I had her try out at a couple of other gyms. I've had her in a new program for a few weeks. She is relieved that the atmosphere is more positive, but she's understandably missing her friends and the comfort of the familiar. She says she want to go back to the old gym, or quit. I can't take her back to the same situation, and wish now that I hadn't kept her there so long. I think if she pushes through for a month or so, she'll start to make friends and enjoy it more, and if she quits she'll regret it. She's a child who feels happy with a high level of physical activity, and gets very restless if she doesn't get it. She's one who is jumping and flipping whenever she gets a chance. I will soon need to make a decision about committing to the next season so I'll have to decide, one way or the other. Would you let your child quit, or have them stick it out for another season?

It's a tough situation but I commend you for removing your daughter from a bad environment. If she loves gymnastics and would quit the sport only b/c of the gym change, I would do my best to make her stick it out. It's a good skill to learn to readjust, make new friends etc. Even as grown ups I'm sure we hate switching jobs, moving to new towns...but sometimes you've got to do it and you can't let a few weeks or months of awkwardness, being uncomfortable stop you. Tell her about a time you experienced this as a kid or adult and pushed through. It would be a shame if she left the sport simply b/c of a bad coach.

You could also try to organize something with some of the other kids and maybe moms on the new team to help her get to know them.

 

[duyetanh]

Do you not understand how problematic this is? THIS is why there's so many abuses around the sport. I understand that you may think that a coach can't adjust their behavior if they have done it for so long, but the one thing that is outside of their control is the ability for the gym to adjust their employment status with them. Any reasonable gym owner that is worried about the liability of their business will listen and hopefully address any valid concerns.

Sorry to break it to you....guess it can't be broken gently. But it is what it is, and at these gyms parents accept it. And those who don't are labeled troublemakers. I would never let my child or myself be labeled a troublemaker...if we got in this situation? We would leave. When we left, I would tell them why. But I wouldn't expect it to change.

 

[INgymdad]

But it is what it is, and at these gyms parents accept it.

SMH.... I've typed out a number of different responses but realized that none of them would be received well, so this is where I just bow out of this conversation. Please consider doing your part in breaking this cycle should you ever find yourself in it. Take Care.

 

[Seeker]

We all understand it -- it is a serious issue but it is not one that individual random parents can have much impact on in the current structure. Who should she report it to? The police? USAG is a no-go...they received multiple reports of sexual assault and we all know how well that was handled, so I really don't think they'd care about this either. The probably should, but they don't. Of course, tell the name caller to knock it off is step 1, but I am sure that has likely happened multiple times and there is also the risk of retaliation, so doing so is not without potential peril.

Currently, There simply is no official mechanism for reporting such behavior (unless we count reporting it to usag to have it rendered to the circular file as adequate). Sure, none of us want our kids in a program with emotionally abusive coaches, but the reality is that this behavior is non-criminal. We can tell them/gym owner that we don't like it, but the leverage an individual parent has is 'not much'. The recourse is to take your business elsewhere and if given the opportunity (if you feel comfortable doing so) warn others away from that program.

My hope is that some of the reforms that will come out of the current investigation is that there will be a valid way to report these types of situations in a formal manner. SafeSport is being rolled out now, but I am unsure if the scope would include this sort of thing. I hope it does.

 

[duyetanh]

SMH.... I've typed out a number of different responses but realized that none of them would be received well, so this is where I just bow out of this conversation. Please consider doing your part in breaking this cycle should you ever find yourself in it. Take Care.

You too, and just be glad you aren't in a gym like this....I am sure it is an awful situation to be in.

 

[Gymmommy71]

So she doesn't have any issues w/ the new gym, it's just her missing her friends from her old gym and that's why she wants to go back or quit? I'd ask her if she could try sticking it out for set amount of time (like a month or two) at the new gym, and then if she still wants to quit after that timeframe, let her. Tell her going back to the old gym is not an option because they were not respectful towards her and that there is no compromise when it comes to something like that.

Also, I don't want to sound like a downer, but a kid who is doing gymnastics only for the social aspects of being at the gym is going to be very hard to keep in the sport long term. Make this be like that phrase "if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be" - if she really wants to do gymnastics, she won't want to quit over this friends thing, or at the very least she'll realize that she misses it once she is off for a while and want to go back.

However, if she really wants to quit that's okay too - there are a lot less time-consuming, expensive, and injury-inducing sports out there that a kid can do for fitness and to have fun/learn life lessons in a competitive setting.