Parents Scratch over confidence issues?

[mommyof1]

How do you deal with a kid who insists upon destroying herself from the inside? Tinker Bell got off to a great start in L4. She came home from practice happy every day, was making great progress in terms of skills and form, and had a nice solid performance at the in-house meet. Then two things happened: 1) She was disappointed with her scores from the in-house meet, even though they were perfectly fine (near the median on everything but vault, on a very strong L4 team) and her coach was pleased; and 2) they started uptraining L5/L6 skills and she is not picking up the tumbling as fast as the other girls (not a surprise). Suddenly her beam cartwheel and vault are "gone" and her ROBHSBHS is a disaster. Her much-improved presentation and form on floor and beam are MIA. She isn't even happy on bars, her strongest and best-loved event. I am having flashbacks to her first L3 season, when her sudden realization that she was (at that point) a below-average gymnast caused her to implode, resulting in nine months of skill regression and absolute misery.

Tink's first real meet is this weekend. She is talking about asking to scratch beam, and I'm starting to wonder whether it's a good idea to let her compete at all. I'm afraid that if she goes out there with her current level of self-confidence, her performance will fall far short of her capabilities and her confidence will take even more of a beating, setting her up for a terrible season. On the other hand, I don't know whether asking her to sit out this meet and wait another few weeks to compete will do any good or even do more harm. I am on the road this week and won't be able to meet with the coach to discuss it. I know it's Tinker Bell's sport and she should be in charge, but I also know what can happen when we let her compete mentally unprepared.

 

[NutterButter]

My DD can self-sabotage with the best of them. My DD's confidence is really her biggest obstacle in the gym. She has thrown herself out of whack for weeks and weeks because she starts doubting herself and can't get rid of the thoughts. When she was just starting out in compulsory, a bad event would throw off the rest of the meet. Part of it is maturity. Now she can have an event not go as expected and it doesn't affect the rest of the meet. You only get to that point though with experience. And that opportunity for experience only happens once every few weeks so it can be a slow process.

I would not have her scratch unless she is unsafe with any of the skills. To me would reinforce the message (in her mind) that she is not good enough. Now if the confidence is affecting her ability to safely compete skills that is different messaging with emphasis on safety. That's a coaches call. I worry about your DD having the 'power' to scratch on her own because of confidence. Why is she asking to scratch beam?

The fact is that gymnastics is a journey. Everyone's path is different. What one finds easy, a teammate will struggle. There will be ups and downs along the way. I once drew a diagram with my DD. Think of it like a chart. Bottom right hand corner was the starting point and I think we called it a front roll. Then I drew a 45 degree line showing progression on skills along the way (FHS, BWO, BHS). But then I added in the ups and downs along the way. It was still a 45 degree angle line but with lots of squiggles. We talked about what may have been going on during the mini ups and downs and what may cause that. But then the overall trajectory of the line is still up. That's what gymnastics is. Gymnastics is hard.

 

[mommyof1]

I worry about your DD having the 'power' to scratch on her own because of confidence. Why is she asking to scratch beam?

I don't know that she actually does have a choice about scratching. She is just saying that she wants to scratch beam because she has been falling on her cartwheel in practice for the past few weeks, ever since she landed it beautifully at the in-house meet. She admits she hasn't actually discussed it with her coach yet.

 

[2gymkids]

I don't know that I have any brilliant advice other than she sounds a lot like my daughter (she similarly lost a bunch of L4 skills over the summer uptraining for L5). It's really tough. I'd just let the coaches handle the scratching part and be supportive without letting her dwell and perseverate on it. Perspective is everything. Mine can say she's having a horrible time on beam, not hitting this and that, then it comes out that she missed one or two in practice. So, it's tough to know what to believe. Mine was at a confidence low last year heading into the season and the first two meets sucked but then she was able to pull herself together, see the world didn't end and work her butt off. But, we still struggle with it week to week even now!

 

[NutterButter]

I get it. My DD's in house meet is coming up and she has yet to connect her series on high beam (she changed her series recently). They've done a few scored full routines and DD has fallen (twice!) on every one and not gotten connection credit so her score is low 7's. Beam is not there quite yet and she knows this and she's convinced herself she will be an embarrassment at the in house meet. This will be my DD's 6th season competing so it never really goes away. I just try to emphasize that meets are the celebration of all the hard work in the gym. This is true for all meets but the in-house opener is really a lot of fun for all us parents to see all the progress everyone has made.

 

[profmom]

If she continues in the sport, she's going to fall in practice and she's going to fall at meets. I think the best thing you can do is help her dial down the stakes. So she tries and falls. What exactly is so bad about that? She won't be the only one at the meet to fall on beam. She probably won't even be the only one on her team. Remind her that even top elites fall at meets, and that her coaches would probably rather see her try to go big and fall than be very cautious and stay on.

A very wise coach once told us newbie parents to remind our kids that gymnastics is what happens in the gym, and meets are just for them to show off for their parents.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

If she continues in the sport, she's going to fall in practice and she's going to fall at meets. I think the best thing you can do is help her dial down the stakes. So she tries and falls. What exactly is so bad about that? She won't be the only one at the meet to fall on beam. She probably won't even be the only one on her team. Remind her that even top elites fall at meets, and that her coaches would probably rather see her try to go big and fall than be very cautious and stay on.

A very wise coach once told us newbie parents to remind our kids that gymnastics is what happens in the gym, and meets are just for them to show off for their parents.

This

She needs to compete and see the world doesn't stop spinning based on her results. These battles with fear, skill acquisition, scores are not going away.
You need to help her redirect to personal progress. Focus on what is going right not wrong. Goals that are not medal, score and what little Suzie is doing.

If you let her scratch or not go. It won't be long and gymnastics is done. That's not a bad thing or a good thing, it just will be how it goes. And what happens when the next thing gets hard?

 

[CAKE]

Im going to sound like a Coach Aly Headgames salesperson, but the Tight mind tooldeck and visualizations help my older daughter so much! She keeps the tooldeck in her grip bag and every day randomly pulls a card and makes that the focus of her workout. That way she doesnt over focus on any one task or skill. That thing is so worth it's weight in gold in how it has helped her reorient and reset herself and get out of her head. Good stocking stuffer!

 

[duyetanh]

She has to compete. Because she has to deal with her fears. But i am so sorry! It sounded like she was making great progress. I so hope she pulls it together and surprises herself. All you can do is be supportive.
Any chance she is telling you these things, and it isnt really happening to the extent she says it is? Meaning she cant hit the beam cartwheel is actually that she mises a few every night? Are you at practice, or are these her words? Maybe she is just focusing on the ones she misses, not makes....just an idea.
I hooe she rocks it this weekend!

 

[CuriousCate]

A very wise coach once told us newbie parents to remind our kids that gymnastics is what happens in the gym, and meets are just for them to show off for their parents.

I love that. I wish that was the universal sentiment.

 

[meganliz77]

I don't know that she actually does have a choice about scratching. She is just saying that she wants to scratch beam because she has been falling on her cartwheel in practice for the past few weeks, ever since she landed it beautifully at the in-house meet. She admits she hasn't actually discussed it with her coach yet.

I agree with others.... she should compete if she can compete safely. Because what if she NAILS that cartwheel??? She won't ever know if she never tries... You fall sometimes in gymnastics, but much like life, you need to get back up. She is not defined by one meet or one fall... and I guarantee she will make her coaches more proud if she competed and fell, than if she never competed at all....

I know what it is like to have an anxious kiddo. I see it in my own DD. She continues to struggle with feeling confident enough and overcoming her fears (and might I add she was SUPER DUPER confident early on but things get harder in this sport). But she is learning to deal with those issues, which I hope will translate into bigger picture life skills as time goes on. I know it's hard to see your kiddo beating themselves up and struggling. But our kiddos won't have a chance to experience those successes if we don't nudge when the going gets tough

 

[BachFlyer]

I don't think scratching is the answer unless she's unsafe. She may very well be able to hit it when push comes to shove - my dd fell on her handstand her first season EVERY MEET except the state qualifier and states. The first time she ever landed her L8 vault without falling was at her first L8 meet. Sometimes (not always but sometimes) the added pressure of the meet creates a more intense focus and works in their favor. Plus, even if she hit it 100% at every practice from here until eternity, she still would have that first meet to contend with...so go for it, get the first one out of the way, see what happens. And if she misses it she just gets back to the grind on Monday. That might not feel like it helps her in the moment, but if you keep sending that message, it will become more and more ingrained as time goes on.

 

[UnoMas]

No reason to scratch beam because she might fall on the cartwheel...unless it is somehow unsafe which, with that skill, seems unlikely. She can do the skill, she now needs to believe that she can. Scratching is not going to help one bit.

 

[mommyof1]

Any chance she is telling you these things, and it isnt really happening to the extent she says it is? Meaning she cant hit the beam cartwheel is actually that she mises a few every night? Are you at practice, or are these her words? Maybe she is just focusing on the ones she misses, not makes....just an idea.

Oh, no, I am not watching practice other than 5 minutes at pickup once or twice a week. All I have seen since the in-house meet is a few minutes of squatty front tumbling. Tink is definitely prone to exaggeration, but in this case I think her reporting might be relatively accurate because she is providing a lot of detail about how many attempts and how many she made.

Interestingly, this all seems to come up when I am the one picking her up from gym. She gets into the car and immediately starts venting about everything that happened at school and gym that day. Her dad says she does not say anything in the car on the way home when he picks her up, so maybe the solution is just to make her dad do all the pickups (and not to let her scratch).

Thanks, everyone, for putting things in perspective and keeping me sane. Parenting is a challenge, and parenting a gymnast is an even bigger challenge.

 

[bookworm]

I guess my question is, how is it that she even sees scratching an event at a meet as a possibility? My girls were always trained to compete for the whole meet, you didn't pick and choose. If the coach thinks she's ready to be at the level she is training, them I would think they think she's ready to compete that level as well. I wouldn't even feed the beast that scratching is an option. You're prepared to compete the 4 events at the meet, period.

So she falls...so what. I used to tell my girls "you're not supporting us with your gymnastics so don't worry about it". And she may very well do fine at the meet so there's that. As she's only level 4, she has many more meets in her future so I wouldn't be scratching events based on her anxiety level or you're going to be in for a rough ride.

 

[mommyof1]

I guess my question is, how is it that she even sees scratching an event at a meet as a possibility?

I am guessing that she sees scratching as a possibility (1) because of the way the gym handles L3 (most kids compete two seasons and scratch bars for half the first season because they don't really have the skills, although Tink did compete all events all through L3) or (2) because she thinks her beam routine is so bad that she wants to request a scratch before her coach makes her. She is fully capable of landing that cartwheel and doing well on all events, but is just mentally unprepared because she is psyching herself out.

I think what is really needed here is for Coach (whom she loves and trusts, unlike the L3 coach) to give her a kick in the pants and tell her she is ready to compete and that the world will not end if she does happen to fall.

 

[2gymkids]

I guess my question is, how is it that she even sees scratching an event at a meet as a possibility? My girls were always trained to compete for the whole meet, you didn't pick and choose. If the coach thinks she's ready to be at the level she is training, them I would think they think she's ready to compete that level as well. I wouldn't even feed the beast that scratching is an option. You're prepared to compete the 4 events at the meet, period.

So she falls...so what. I used to tell my girls "you're not supporting us with your gymnastics so don't worry about it". And she may very well do fine at the meet so there's that. As she's only level 4, she has many more meets in her future so I wouldn't be scratching events based on her anxiety level or you're going to be in for a rough ride.

In terms of how that's an idea, at our gym the coaches are very clear with the girls that they will not put them on an event they are not competition ready for. So they reveiw everyone about 3-4 weeks out, if they're not ready they plan on scratching them and notify accordingly. They've made sure we know that the call can be made at any point, the week of the meet or even at the meet if they're really bombing warm ups. They don't phrase it negatively, just that everyone has their struggles at different times or may not be ready to compete something, etc, and that they're not going to put a kid out there to completely fail. They train all four events, sure, but they have a pretty tight guidelines as to when they need to be ready. (Unlike our old gym, who would just throw them out there knowing they'd likely completely fail). My daughter is a second year L4 but having a mental block on bars so she knows she's not competing it the first meet. It's lifted the stress quite a bit....sure you could say maybe she'll hit at the meet (she did compete the skill all last year) but when you are not able to get to the high bar at all during practice because of some irrational fear, that's a problem, lol, and I don't think anyone thinks she'll suddenly overcome that in the middle of a stress packed situation.

 

[3rd_time_around]

Just wondering if she recently had a growth spurt? Even a small one can throw off her center of gravity causing her trouble with skills she already had. And she might not even realize it, and is thinking she is just not a good gymnast. When they grow, they sometimes need to re-learn how to do a skill to compensate for the change in height or weight. This may not be the case, but as I was reading your post the idea came that she may be growing and her body is trying to adjust.

 

[mommyof1]

I cannot take this sport any longer. I called home tonight and Tink immediately started crying about how she has lost her ROBHSBHS, vault, and beam cartwheel and is going to "epically fail" at the meet. I tried all the standard responses and she had a comeback ready for each one.

Mommy: You did all those skills in the in-house meet and everyone knows you are capable of doing them. You will do them again when you are ready.
Tink: Are you listening to me? I CAN'T DO THEM. I LOST THEM.

Mommy: Gymnastics is hard and everyone loses skills. You will do them again when you are ready.
Tink: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME. I CAN'T DO THEM. I LOST THEM.

Mommy: Gymnastics is what happens every day in practice. Meets are just to show off for the parents.
Tink: I am not doing my skills in practice. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME. I CAN'T DO THEM. I LOST THEM.

Mommy: What is the worst thing that could happen if you fall off the beam?
Tink: I will come in last place and then I will feel badly about myself and I will hate gymnastics and I will never move up and I will quit and my entire life will be ruined.

Arrrrrrgh. I am seriously ready to pull the plug on gymnastics. I think she is sabotaging herself on purpose--if she can't be the very best, then she is going to "lose" all her skills so it's not her fault when she doesn't win. I am so sick of this whole victim mentality. She is the only person who cares whether she gets a medal; no one else expects her to do anything other than her personal best. Her L3 coach clearly valued scores and medals, but I don't get that vibe from her new coach at all.

I would be more inclined to suspect a growth spurt if all of this hadn't coincided precisely with the in-house meet and the start of uptraining. The kid just can't stand not to be the best at anything. It was all fine and dandy when they were just perfecting the skills she already had and she was being lavished with praise for her hard work and improvement. Once they started getting judged and working new skills, it all went down the tubes.

 

[duyetanh]

I hate to say this.....but only because of the attitude she seems to be showing you, and becauss of knowing how things have gone for her the past few years i might call her bluff. Ok, well if that is how you feel about it in terms of quitting, i will support you. Ok, you have lost them. Do the best you can, and who cares....you can try for better scores the next meet.
Ok, you have lost them. Thank you for being honest with me. If you want to quit, you can....after the season.
Its ok. I am glad you feel comfortable to verbalize to me how you feel about it all. Go have fun at the meet anywau
Since you have lost the skills, dont worry about it if you miss them in the meet, because you dont expect to make them anyway, so dont worry, just go and have fun. I am sure your coaches believe in you.

I hate saying all this, but i would play hardball. If mine said this to me after all i had tried (in terms of what you said to her) and she is yelling at you these words over and over (i am assuming she is because it is in caps), I would probably be a bit passive aggressive, which is not my style....i am aggressive aggressive, lol. But i can see myself saying, i am so sorry this sport is making you so miserable. As a parent who loves you, i cannot let you be this unhappy. Dont worry, we will quit after the season is over, or we will switch to xcel, which i feel would be a less stressful environment for you because you can make changes if you lose your skills permanently, and you will still feel good about yourself. But I cant in good faith as a parent let you continue down this path, because it is not a healthy one for you. So do the best you can to get through the season, try for some good memories, and we will move on. And then when the tears come and the words that i dont understand, i would say that while she is right, i dont understand gymnastics, what i do understand is my child is very unhappy and it is not what i want for my child, so if she wants to stay in the sport, she would have to show me an attitude adjustment. In a big way. Because we pay a lot for this sport as parents, and if it isnt fun, what is the point?!?! I could give a damn what my kid places or how she scores compared to is she staying healthy amd having FUN. It just HAS to be fun. Way too mamy hours are put in.

Another thing i might do is she would have to tell me one good thing about practice. I would make this have to happen first. Positive before negative. I know one mom who did this, and at first her kid said, "the good thing that happened at practice was that it was over!" The mom said she had to practically chomp her tongue in half not to laugh. But she kept with it, and eventually the child had something that was valid, and it went from there.

I can only take so much drama and then i call mine out. Mind you, she doesnt have much, but on the few times she has (these times arent gym related btw...) I call her out. I am sorry missy, but you need to own it. If you feel this way, or say you do, you had better realize that words have consequences, and now you need to own those words. And you need to problem solve, not just spew at me. I am avail to help problem solve, but if you dont want my help, then i guess you just get to problem solve on your own...which isnt as easy.

And now that i have said all this and you think i am a big meanie, i just wanted to say how sorry i am that she is going through this, and oh how i wish she would buck up and suck it up and GET through this, because she has come so far! I almost feel like xcel would be good for her because of how you have described her....i know people will think i am odd, but i ask my child every year if she would like to switch over to xcel. I mean that sincerely. Xcel is a wonderful program and offers so much with not as much stress or time. Whatever happens, good luck to you and her as you navigate this situation. I sure hope she does the meet though. She really has to face stuff like this, even though it sucks. Fwiw, my kid is sucking on all of her events right now, according to her....she literally is 0 for 4, and she used to be 4 for 4. It happens. It has happened to her before, and will undoubtedly happen again. But her coaches believe in her and are working her through it. She saw a wee bit of daylight tonight, and hopefully more will emerge tomorrow. Good luck, and stay strong for your dd. Pulling the plug right now really wouldnt send a good message to her....even if the season sucks, she needs to persevere. It will help her when she hits other rough patches of life in the future.