WAG Seeking advice ...very lengthy, sorry

[GYM0M]

Poor baby. Sometimes they just need a refresher on why they are in gymnastics in the first place. They feel the pressure (real or not) to be on top ALL the time so when the going gets tough, they feel like failures. This too shall pass. She shouldn't focus on what skills she has or hasn't got. She just needs to focus on why she loves gymnastics. I tell my tiny tops one.....'these setbacks are the things that make champions.' We can't make them believe in themselves. They have to come to that conclusion on their own in their own time.

 

[CoachMeg]

To answer your previous question, no we do not keep all the girls together at my gym. We separate them by level. So all 3s practice together, 4s practice together, and so on. The only time we mix levels is with the higher level girls and that's just because theirs not enough of them. So the 8s/9s/10 practice together because theirs only 5 of the whole group.

Is your team fairly small? Or understaffed with coaches? This could be the reason for keeping them all together, however in general it's not the best system because like I said previously, coaching style changes by level. My compulsories know that the optional coaches are a lot tougher so they are prepared for it by the time they get there.

Another thing that could cause your daughter's stress/feelings of not being good enough could be how quickly she progressed through the levels. It's obvious she was born with a lot of natural ability and talent so since she's only 9 and training level 9, she must have progressed through each other level very quickly. So all the other skills probably came easy to her. And now that she's in the higher optional levels, the skills are taking a little longer to learn. Which makes her frustrated and she's having thoughts of "I should have this by now, my coaches are going to think I can't do this"...when in reality they probably aren't thinking that at all.

She also seems very smart by what you've written, and knows when she's made a mistake. You said how when her coach told her "good job" she thought it was weird...maybe because she didn't think she did a good job herself? We have a girl at the gym with a similar personality. Kind of like an inner judge. Just the other day she was doing her floor routine, and it looked nice, her only major mistake was that she overturned her 1 1/2 toe turn. After she finished I told her good job and to do a couple turns on the side and she was all in tears saying how AWFUL that routine was and how she has to do another routine before we rotate and so on. I had said nothing about her routine being bad, actually I told her it looked good, but she had convinced herself it was awful.

Maybe your daughter is kind of like this in that if she doesn't get a skill perfectly the first time (since she probably used to get skills very easily and quickly) then she beats herself up about it. Once you get passed level 7/8 the skills get extremely hard and it's going to take a LOT of trial and error and a lot of hard practices. I imagine this will probable be her toughest year.

 

[gympeeps]

Thanks coachmeg! That is what happens in the evening practice...levels are separated. But, there are only ten girls during the day so they are all together.

It is still a program in infancy stages. The girl they started the program for developed fear and just couldn't work though (she was phenomenal! One of most talented I've ever seen!) and quit as she was nearing L8. Then another dynamo nearly qualified hopes but her fear of failure was great and she just couldn't do it anymore. Would rather not do than risk failing. She quit for a time, but is now back at nights. I know they had really banked on these girls. Others have dropped for various reasons, but to answer a previous question, none of them did or will ever even dream of going to another gym. I mean, they basically started the program to support these girls, my DD was fortunate to be a little tyke at the time and was asked to come as well. Going to a rival gym would almost be seen as act of betrayal. Its not, but u feel that way. That is why we do not take these decisions lightly.

I do think u are right, DD attained skills through L8 incredibly easy. She even has several L9 L10 skills, but does get frustrated. more so when its fear. she is good about telling me when shes scared, which is brave of her...she wouldnt dare admit to coaches. her biggest frustration is apprehension when she knows she can do a skill. she gets really upset with herself, but interestingly, I see these obstacles overcome as her biggest accomplishments. On bad days, i try to remind her how many tricks she has solid and does well instead of always thinking on whats missing. She has so much to be proud of! ...maybe this struggle is internal....it's almost irrational, she truly thinks she should be able to throw what she sees on television!

She isn't a perfectionist, though....lol...I'm sure this would be a complaint that her coaches have about her. I thought she might outgrow it, but she just wants to get in that gym and have fun, learn skills, gets very bored with routines. Example...She would get more excited landing double full to her butt, than making a stuck 1/1. I think coaches would prefer the stuck 1/1. i guess she has been rewarded for big tricks since she was 6 and gets value there.

I suppose we are at fault here, too, and should work harder to teach her to see the value in perfectly executed basic skill instead of being bored with it. I have heard from coach multiple times, for years that her basics aren't where they should be....problem is that I'm not sure what we can do as parents other than talking to her, and reinforcing praise for a perfect handstand for example. I always figured she did well at tops so the basics couldn't be horrible.

Watched practice today. DD looks like an emotional yo yo. To the coaches defense, they appear to be trying. Just doesn't seem to be helping. Still crying at night and in the car....same complaints. I suppose coaches and parents can't undo in a day damage that possibly built up over weeks or months or years.

 

[Seeker]

The most concerning part of everything you have shared is the fact that the proposed 'Stars of the program' have both left -- I think that says a lot. Maybe it's unintentional, but maybe the coaches are passing off these sentiments to the kids in a way that creates an incredible amount of stress for them. Since these other girls are left, maybe your dd is bearing the weight of this more than others.

I may be off-base, but it is something to think about. If she isn't the first one to crumble under the pressure, I would consider it as a possibility. It's a very tough situation.

 

[munchkin3]

sometimes a new gym just has a way of RE-IGNITING all that is good about gymnastics again....

 

[auswi]

Always remember, your greatest loyalty HAS to be to your Dd!!

 

[SignHere]

Always remember, your greatest loyalty HAS to be to your Dd!!

This can be a hard lesson to learn.

 

[gympeeps]

Guess what? DD had a different coach than normal on floor today and she actually used the word F-U-N in describing the floor rotation. This hasn't happened for months. Feeling blessed to catch a glimpse of her smile today!

 

[COz]

Guess what? DD had a different coach than normal on floor today and she actually used the word F-U-N in describing the floor rotation. This hasn't happened for months. Feeling blessed to catch a glimpse of her smile today!

Glad that she had fun.
Kind of isolates the source of the problem, doesn't it?

 

[gympeeps]

I think after observing today it's just as much the break in the monotony as any particular coach. A different set of eyes to show off for, eyes that don't have any particular expectations.

But, you can feel the positive energy in the gym the past few days. No tears in the car today, so we are two for two. Either way, as I think to the long term, sounds like u guys are saying she will need to be able to mentally handle the work/polish coaches in order to achieve the finesse and perfection that elite requires.....I guess it's not all fun and games anymore, gymnastics has a purpose. This is a big decision, it seems like this level of commitment should not be entered into lightly, but with thoughtful planning and soul searching. You have all been so helpful, and reading old threads has really opened my eyes to how much I didn't know about the world of gymnastics. And, I'm just beginning to understand about elite. Sounds like a totally different world, what a responsibility we have in making these hard decisions for DD.

 

[auswi]

Not all coaches, as dedicated as they are, have the ability/ skill set/ etc for managing high level gymnastics..... Still got warning bells ringing- a very big co- incidence for the OP's Dd to be the third out of 3 elite track gymies at the gym to have similar issues...

I would definitely be investigating other gyms.

 

[gympeeps]

Not all coaches, as dedicated as they are, have the ability/ skill set/ etc for managing high level gymnastics..... Still got warning bells ringing- a very big co- incidence for the OP's Dd to be the third out of 3 elite track gymies at the gym to have similar issues...

I would definitely be investigating other gyms.

Yes u are right, we have to get educated, & fast!

 

[Faith]

I agree- the 3rd child to have such issues? Warning bells, especially as it did get as far as quitting for the other two.

Elite is a whole different animal. You never see your child, they push themselves to their limits, often get tired, and emotional. It's difficult to see what's "just" the sport taking a toll, and what's true unhappiness. You commit as a parent too, make sure they don't miss training, worry about progress, if it's all worth it...

You will ask yourself a million times why are you doing it. Sometimes you hate it, sometimes the child seems to hate it. But there is something freaky about such kids. For mine, it's just what she does. If she stopped there would be a huge thing missing from her life, she's not that kid that likes to watch tv or read. She'd be coaching herself on the sofa.

We had a slight issue with her coach in the summer. I couldn't see it, but she was saying he was being mean and she couldn't please him. I suspected it might be a language/culture thing, but having grown up in the 80's, I am also very sensitive to bullying styles of coaching.

What we did.

Explained to DD that while x might be one of the best coaches, he was no good for her if she wasn't happy. She wouldn't reach what she was capable of, and might even quit. We also talked about the culture difference, different coaching styles, frustration, and when he said x, y, and z, it didn't mean he thought she was rubbish and might as well quit, it meant she could do better, and he wanted her to focus. Also reassured her that as long as *she* was happy, we were happy for her to go elite, step back and do it for fun, or even quit, now or ant any point.

Said we could speak to the coach and ask him, reassure her he still was happy with her.

Explained that there were things we could do. We could ask for her to step back a little and have a different coach. She's young and 6 months off elite track, heck even a couple of years with the "right" coach, wouldn't harm her eventual career. We could ask to cut a day, even two, and maybe look at something complementary like ballet or acro/rhythmic for a while. None of this needed to be permanent, she could step back up (or not) any time she wanted.

We could change club. Always an option.

We put a time limit on it when she didn't want us to do any of that. Said if she felt the same at the end of the summer (so 2 months), or she was still having teary fits/seemed less than happy, we would discuss it again.

She did have a few more episodes, but after the summer things chilled out a bit, big comps over, back to training rather than preparing for comps. Then a two week break over christmas, and this morning she got up and said she couldn't wait for training tonight. I think it was culture clash, general tiredness, competition stress etc. I'll still keep a close eye (and I also have her teachers school watching for any behaviour changes).

 

[gympeeps]

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You will ask yourself a million times why are you doing it. Sometimes you hate it, sometimes the child seems to hate it. But there is something freaky about such kids. For mine, it's just what she does. If she stopped there would be a huge thing missing from her life, she's not that kid that likes to watch tv or read. She'd be coaching herself on the sofa.



What u described is DD all way.

 

[gympeeps]

Well, I think it's safe to assume that DDs coaches think I'm "inventing" her unhappiness. Do they really think I want my daughter crying every night? It's crazy how quickly the people you have trusted, and I mean trusted, with your children can turn on you when you no longer play by the rules.
I'm deeply saddened that we finally had to make the hard decision, but I would rather have a happy kid. DD was sad this morning, but now looks lighter, almost relieved. Like a huge weight is lifted. Thank you all for giving me courage and strength to look at her situation from the outside.
Trying to make every effort to leave on the best terms possible for DDs sake. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she runs into her friends or coaches at meets, etc. After all, they were a big part of her young life.
Today was hard. But trying to think of it has the first day of a new chapter

 

[sce]

Well, I think it's safe to assume that DDs coaches think I'm "inventing" her unhappiness. Do they really think I want my daughter crying every night? It's crazy how quickly the people you have trusted, and I mean trusted, with your children can turn on you when you no longer play by the rules.
I'm deeply saddened that we finally had to make the hard decision, but I would rather have a happy kid. DD was sad this morning, but now looks lighter, almost relieved. Like a huge weight is lifted. Thank you all for giving me courage and strength to look at her situation from the outside.
Trying to make every effort to leave on the best terms possible for DDs sake. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she runs into her friends or coaches at meets, etc. After all, they were a big part of her young life.
Today was hard. But trying to think of it has the first day of a new chapter

You are a great Mom. All the best to you and your dd as you continue on this journey.

 

[Seeker]

Well, I think it's safe to assume that DDs coaches think I'm "inventing" her unhappiness. Do they really think I want my daughter crying every night? It's crazy how quickly the people you have trusted, and I mean trusted, with your children can turn on you when you no longer play by the rules.
I'm deeply saddened that we finally had to make the hard decision, but I would rather have a happy kid. DD was sad this morning, but now looks lighter, almost relieved. Like a huge weight is lifted. Thank you all for giving me courage and strength to look at her situation from the outside.
Trying to make every effort to leave on the best terms possible for DDs sake. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she runs into her friends or coaches at meets, etc. After all, they were a big part of her young life.
Today was hard. But trying to think of it has the first day of a new chapter

Good luck to you...it will be awkward, but my hope is that your DD will be so confident and happy in her new situation that she will just take it in stride and not be effected by it. Best wishes in your search.

 

[gracyomalley]

Changing gyms is very hard - and it took all summer for DD to really understand why I made her, then a little longer to feel like she could continue in gym - but she's older/more hormonal, and not nearly the talent your DD is so I hope it goes more smoothly for you. In the end, though, the lack of focus on my DD overall happiness (rather the focus on the old coaches ego - when DD was successful she reflected well on her, but when struggling not so much) led to a kid with a very mixed up view of herself and gymnastics...cudos to you for putting your DD first. I'm sure it will work out in the long run - hugs for the next few days/weeks of transition...

 

[my4buffaloes]

Good luck! Sounds like you made the best, although difficult, decision you could in your situation. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

 

[Deleted member D3987]