Parents Talking to our kids

[NY Dad]

I decided to start a new thread because this is off topic from the original post in the thread it came from. This isn’t about gymnastics (but it does specifically have to do with being a parent or guardian) so the mods should feel free to move this if it’s not in the right place.

Someone dropped drugs in my middle kids drink this weekend, it all ended well, besides collapsing, vomiting and a rush to the ER in an ambulance. But as it happened at the same time as the #metoo, it just reminded me that we are vulnerable to those who wish to abuse us.

I’m finding this very disturbing and difficult to digest. Is this really be commonplace? This sounds like something from an episode of Law & Order SVU.

First of all bogwoppit, again, I'm so sorry that this happened to your dd. Very relieved that you said she's okay now. I hope they find whoever did it and he gets punished. (I have my own ideas about what that should entail but I know that's not going to happen).

At what age do parents discuss this specific issue with their kids? (Especially if you’ve got an anxious kid to begin with.)

With a lot of the conversation with my dds we speak in generalities. This one seems so specific (keep an eye on your drink) it would be hard to discuss this without being specific. Even if this is commonplace I don't think it's a situation I have to worry about for many years but I don't want to be that parent that learns the hard way.

 

[RTT2]

I would probably wait on introducing the topic of watching her beverage until she's a little older. When she starts going to parties in her teens I would raise the issue, explain it thoroughly, and warn her to watch anything she eats or drinks.

On the larger topic of unwanted touching something I've emphasized with both my son and my daughter is that it is never OK to touch anyone without their permission, and it's not OK to be touched without your permission. I do not make them hug or kiss anyone if they don't want to. I don't touch them in any way they don't want to be touched (when DD was little it was so hard to resist giving her cute little bum a pinch from time to time. She told me she didn't like it. I never did it again.) I've told them they have to respect other people's boundaries, and people need to respect theirs. As they get older I'll be much more explicit with what I mean by this, but for now I think it's enough to keep it simple.

 

[profmom]

You cannot identify every conceivable risk and provide prevention strategies for all of them. There's always some new game in town. My tactic has been to try to raise strong children with firm senses of their own and others' bodily autonomy. Anyone who illustrates any lack of respect for this in small matters should not be trusted in large matters. We also encourage them not to be bystanders -- to speak up when they see something bad happening, even if it means challenging a friend. These principles apply regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity.

The specifically gendered piece is that I have tried not to raise a good girl. Immediate obedience and compliance without resistance are great for toddlers. Not so much for a 20 year old at a college party or a 25 year old in a bar. I have looked for opportunities to reinforce her when she questions or legitimately confronts authority, and I praise her for being assertive at every opportunity. It's swimming against a cultural tide, but it is the best gift I can give her as a mother.

I know the whole "gift of fear" thing is popular these days, but I think the gift of strength is better. I don't want her to look into every corner for shadows. I want her to walk through the darkness in the knowledge that she is prepared to handle it, and that she'll be able to protect others. The question isn't whether she'll face this stuff. It's how she will deal with it when she does, and it's also how her brothers will deal with it when they see it or experience it for themselves.

 

[bogwoppit]

My kids were warned since they were able to go places alone. Here the drinking age is 18, but we know kids drink younger. We talked about it plenty, but still it happens. It happens everywhere, it happens often.

I do not consider my girl to be a party animal, she goes out maybe once a month with a group of friends, male and female. She is 21 and has her wits about her. Still it happened.

AT this point the best I can say is make sure they know it can happen, they know never to be alone when out and about. Not even to go home in a cab. The fact that she abided by that probably saved her an even more awful experience, or even death by aspiration of vomit. Kids need to buddy up.

As to unwanted touch, I have always told my kids that only they can touch, or give permission, their bodies. The same applies to others. Moreover pressuring others is never okay, in any form.

 

[profmom]

I think teaching them to look out for each other as well as for themselves is really huge.

 

[Madden3]

Are you asking at what age to talk to a child specifically about being on the lookout for being intentionally drugged (roofied)? I assume you mean a minor child?

If that is the case, I would not see the need to talk about that concern, specifically, much before such a thing is at all likely. Before they went to a unsupervised or under supervised party or found themselves in any other situation where alcohol is served, or drinking could be going on? When would that be? It depends on your child and their friends (and of course you have to be confident on how well you know your child and their friends- and how well you know their friend's parents and whether they are on the same page as you are in terms of supervision as well as in terms of alcohol.)

But of course if your child is going to a party where there is alcohol being served, (or that is a possibility because there is not sufficient parental oversight) I think it is far more important (or at least, just as important) to talk to them about the dangers of overindulging, as that is a far more likely to occur and is most certainly a risk factor for kids making poor choices and inebriation greatly raises the risk factor for assault (sexual and other) a great deal. And since that is a more complicated area, I would suggest start those talks long before such situations are likely.

It is not enough to just say not to drink, I also talk to my kids about how much is too much and how to know. Yes you can teach the value of total abstinence as well and I do. I already talk to my sons (11 and 14) about that even though they are not likely in the near future to be in a situation like that. I also teach them about the dangers of pot and other recreational drugs as well, and do not forget prescription drugs in your explanations and cautions! Also be aware and teach how substances can dangerously combine with alcohol. Pot and alcohol combined for example can be a far worse situation than one or the other, and in fact can cause a reaction similar to being roofied.

And I would also add that secretly putting drugs into someone's drink amounts to intentionally poisoning someone, and whether or not any sex abuse or robbery (another reason people are drugged) occurs, the drugging is itself a crime and that crime is usually defined as assault but that might differ state to state, country to country. But for sure it is a crime. So if one suspects they have been victimized this way, again, even if no other crime occurs, that crime of being drugged should always be reported to police asap. And this is another of the many, many reasons why you want to do all you can to keep lines of communication open, honest, and frequently used with your child, so they feel they can say anything to you, tell you anything - even about seriously poor choices they or their friends have made- without you freaking out.

No matter how many precautions you take and how careful your child is, bad things might happen. And what is done then is vitally important! Teach your kids over and over, that no matter what happens you will believe and support them, and they should feel they can report to you and to the police ANY crime committed against them.

 

[gymgal]

Really it is never too early to talk about it. Build the habits that will serve them when they are older and facing any issues. And as important as it is to instill these in girls, it is just as important to instill them in boys. It is all about boundaries and respect. Mine were taught from an early age to never go/be anywhere alone. Never eat/drink something that you have put down and walked away from, get your own food at parties - don't rely on others to do it (This was initially set up as an independence rule but it really is to teach them to never accept food from others), when you become tired, irritated, uncomfortable, leave the party (again, when younger, we would leave parties when they became tired or irritable. Pushing past that limit only encourages a habit that they will keep later on,which places them at risk for something happening either at the party or the ride home). There are so many other little things, I just can't think right now. But as Bog said, even with all the prep, it can still happen. At that point, you have to trust that there are enough good folks around who will do the right thing and help.

There was a video I saw a couple years ago that clearly illustrates where the lines are drawn for assault, so not quite the topic but close relation. It is quite hilarious as the video progresses because it is so obvious but it really hits home and is perfect for teens and young adults. This link is a clean version but no longer has the British narrator, which I found made it even more funny.



A good " personal boundaries" video for younger kids is this. Just happened to see it while searching for the tea video.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

A great read

Protecting The Gift by Gavin DeBecker.

As to when. The specifics as they come up.

Regarding drugs/alcohol. In NYS, they do D.A.R.E. 5th grade in our district, usually between 4th and 6th). Middle school will be starting next year. More specifics will be coming up.
First party, I'm not going to. Yes very specific conversations about very specific things. Including using us/her parents as outs. Code words. Watching our for your friends, expecting them to watch out for you.

In general, as soon as you can. You really can not start too soon. About them respecting themselves and their space. Talking about their surroundings and respecting their feelings especially things and folks who make them feel icky. Speaking their minds and speaking up for themselves. Making sure they understand its OK to say No. There are no such thing as "secrets". You can not start to early on those things

JMO here,

Children taught to be "over polite" to never question an adult are being set up to be taken advantage of on all sorts of levels.

I remember my kid hating to be tickled or get raspberries on her belly as a little one under 2. And we have always told her we respect her Nos. We could give her raspberries on her back, she loved those but not her belly. Its her body, we respect her boundaries. Really its started that little. Including age appropriate books.

When her and her older brother would horse around, we had to go over No, stop. Because he would respect her No and then she would come back at him. Umm sorry girlie doesn't work that way. If you truly mean stop/no, then you can't taunt either.

That kind of stuff really is on going. There is no great sit down type things. Its little things. Hmm we are at the mall, its going to be dark when we leave, where should we park. In the back or in the dark, or close to the front under the light by a video camera. Pumping gas, no you don't leave the key in the ignition with the door unlocked. It really has just become part of our conversations.

Regarding grown ups asking children for help. You know find my dog, massage my ****... Should grown ups need to be helped by children, Umm no....