Parents Teaching your gymnast to control nerves/anxiety

[cbifoja]

This season is the first time that my daughter has started worrying about meets. In the past, she was just excited about swimming pools in the hotel and getting her hair "did". The metals were cool but nothing to really stress about.

This is her first year as an optional and I was a bit caught off-guard at how anxious she becomes before meets now. I'm talking about withdrawal, very quiet demeanor, and an upset stomach.

I am not sure what the right play is here or even if there is one for me. Is this something she needs to work through with her coach or is this a parenting issue? I was very concerned before her meet this weekend and told her that if she was this miserable, perhaps she might want to try a different sport or maybe see if she can just train somewhere without competing. I wasn't angry or using it as a threat, but rather offering her an out if optionals is just too much for her nerves.

That was the wrong thing to say because quiet and withdrawn turned into crying and hysterical. So after I about killed myself backpedaling, I just held her in my lap and reminded her that nothing would ever alter how I viewed her and how I feel about her. She did fine at the meet....good bar score, nailed her beam series. Floor kind of fell apart but I don't know if that was related to nerves or not.

So I guess I'm asking for some strategies that have worked for other parents in the past. I'm sure I will get at least one "leave it to the coach" but it feels artificial to me to just ignore something that is obviously bothering my kid. Thoughts?

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

If I recall your DD is around the same age as mine? DD is ferociously nervous about meets this year. We can't even SAY gymnastics in the days before a meet. Perhaps it is the age combined with their skill level? Things get rather serious now, it's harder, there's more to think about, and the list goes on.

We're leaving for Ohio in a couple of days to go to Buckeye, and I heard myself saying today as I dropped her off at gym.... "We are just going on a trip. The goal is to have fun. Your gym friends will be there, my gym parent friends will be there. If they pull your tsuk and you do a handspring, it will be OK. If you come in 65th I will still love you just as much. But if you come in 66th I might be concerned!" (there are 65 kids competing, and she knows that). I got a little giggle. It won't last, but it made the verging on tears moment pass a little lighter.

 

[cbifoja]

She's 9.

At the beginning of the season, she would kind of drop hints like "what if I fall on blah blah." So I would joke and say that I was going to throw her toys away and shave her cat and she would laugh and we would hug and things would be fine. But the past couple of meets, she told me to "be serious".

And the things she is nervous about is growing. First it was just her beam series. Now it's her clear hip to hand and beam series. And the vault table doesn't "feel right" and the bar is bigger around than her bars at "home" and the beam is an AAI and she likes SA beams or maybe vice versa..... and on and on. So I'm considering that more general anxiety than specific fears.

It's just so not like her. She is a chatty cathy so silence is freakin' me out.

And it's just at meets. She isn't afraid of these things in normal gym practice.

 

[wallinbl]

"what if I fall on blah blah."

Then you get back up, finish the routine, and then focus on the other events. Statistics say she's going to fall, everyone does. If Saturday is that day, then Saturday is that day.

 

[Fliptwisttumble]

OK. I totally hear you. Same age as DD, and same od concerns.

DD over Christmas started showing her true colours as a nervous Nellie. Her dad and I sat her down and asked her to tell us what she is stressed about (she had initially started out by saying she needed to quit gym, as it was causing her stress, then we got to the point that it wasn't gym, it was stress). When she wrote the things down, they were seriously NOT what I was expecting. Given her dad and I had split up in the fall, I was sure it was about that.

She was nervous about doing drugs when she is older. Being rude to me as a teenager. Getting fat (seriously, have you seen yourself, kid?) Getting arthritis when she gets older. How other people feel. Competing was in there, but in and amongst all this other stuff.

We've started taking her to see a child psychologist, who immediately said she has classic general anxiety. So they are giving her tools to deal with it - it seems to be helping.

As for the "what if I fall"..... my classic "go to" response is: Everyone falls. EVERYONE. Remember McKayla Maroney at the Olympics? If she can fall on that vault, you can fall too. (xx)it happens

 

[Deleted member 14190]

I teach my kids to embrace the nervous energy and use it, not to calm.

 

[ollieblueeyes]

Then you get back up, finish the routine, and then focus on the other events. Statistics say she's going to fall, everyone does. If Saturday is that day, then Saturday is that day.

Exactly...my DD was a nervous wreck about competing when she was 9-10...wanted to quit the whole nine yards. And the she had a few falls...and her coaches still believe in her, and her dad and I are still proud etc. I think it's just something some go thru and just need to learn that tomorrow is another day.

 

[gymgal]

I teach my kids to embrace the nervous energy and use it, not to calm.

would love to hear more on this. What do you say to help them?

 

[MeetDirector]

Voice from the school of hard knocks speaking -
First - we parents cannot "do" anything to remove thier nervousness; it comes with the territory. They have to figure out how to turn it into the competetive fire.

Next, my advice would be to get in a pre-meet routine and stick to that routine. Allow plenty of time before the before the session to eat something, get dressed and get hair done. Find some menial task that you can do (assuming its not hair duty) and do it and leave her to getting ready. Above all, don't nag about time; she knows how long it takes to get ready, to include the mental ready, and let her "do her thing".

Yes it does get more intense the higher she goes in optionals; but eventually she will be able to put meets into the right perspective. Celebrate the successes and don't dwell on the negatives. She will get through this; the question is - will you?

 

[Natasha]

would love to hear more on this. What do you say to help them?

I would like to hear more about this too. My dd seems to be able to use the energy for positive for everything except beam. She rushes beam and has trouble sticking her series and sometimes even just simple moves due to nerves.

 

[cbifoja]

Voice from the school of hard knocks speaking -
First - we parents cannot "do" anything to remove thier nervousness; it comes with the territory. They have to figure out how to turn it into the competetive fire.

Next, my advice would be to get in a pre-meet routine and stick to that routine. Allow plenty of time before the before the session to eat something, get dressed and get hair done. Find some menial task that you can do (assuming its not hair duty) and do it and leave her to getting ready. Above all, don't nag about time; she knows how long it takes to get ready, to include the mental ready, and let her "do her thing".

Yes it does get more intense the higher she goes in optionals; but eventually she will be able to put meets into the right perspective. Celebrate the successes and don't dwell on the negatives. She will get through this; the question is - will you?

LOL....yeah, I'll be fine. I don't tend to get nervous in general and only get gymnastics nervous at a few key moments in her routines.

When I was driving home tonight, I remembered something that kind of coincided with her new focus on scores. She is trying to earn a certain AA score to attend a regional camp. Personally, I think it is out of her reach right now but it's a camp she really wants to go. I wonder if she is putting so much attention on her attempt to make the camp, that she is losing focus on what her competitions should be about. Maybe it's just coincidental timing but I think I might see if that plays a part of her new anxiety.

 

[thefellowsmom]

Ahh, my 9 year old new optional (competing 6/training 7) has also been a nervous wreck this season. She seems to be getting it under control a bit over the last week or so. Mine is a talker though and if I ask her about her feelings I can usually scrape out enough to go on.

We started a daily mantra before practice and meets. We started this after she fell apart at her first meet this season and I handled it badly. This was our agreement.

Me: What are you going to do today?
Her: Have Fun
Me: Why do you do gymnastics?
Her: Because I love it.

Also, she has been asking for a few moments of quiet before I hand her over to her coach. She will go sit on a bench or in a corner and put her head between her knees. I'm not sure exactly what she is doing in there as I don't want to intrude in what seems to be a very private moment, bu she says it helps calm her down. After her moment I just give her a kiss and tell her I love her and give her the above mantra talk. Nothing more.

The last meet she was much calmer. She said that it just didn't feel very important. I don't know if that is a good thing or not but it seemed to work for her in that moment.

@coachp - I would also love to hear as well how you get them to channel that energy.

 

[cbifoja]

I teach my kids to embrace the nervous energy and use it, not to calm.

Well, you're gonna have to talk me through that one because I have no idea how to do that!

 

[cbifoja]

Also, she has been asking for a few moments of quiet before I hand her over to her coach. She will go sit on a bench or in a corner and put her head between her knees. I'm not sure exactly what she is doing in there as I don't want to intrude in what seems to be a very private moment, bu she says it helps calm her down. After her moment I just give her a kiss and tell her I love her and give her the above mantra talk. Nothing more.

I think that's amazing at her age! My kid is NOT that together!

 

[wallinbl]

would love to hear more on this. What do you say to help them?

I don't know how to convey it to a kid, but the nervous energy includes a bit of adrenaline. Learn to thrive on it, and it helps with all kinds of pressure situations, gymnastics or otherwise.

 

[raenndrops]

Exactly...my DD was a nervous wreck about competing when she was 9-10...wanted to quit the whole nine yards. And the she had a few falls...and her coaches still believe in her, and her dad and I are still proud etc. I think it's just something some go thru and just need to learn that tomorrow is another day.

My OG DID quit at the age of 10... for 3 months (then told me it was the biggest mistake of her life). Her problem was she had landed on her head on a back tuck in old L6. And "lost" her flyaway after hitting her toes one too many times. AND she had family pressure to quit (an older sister and the grandparents thought it took too much time... 7.5 hours a week for practice plus 6-8 meets a year).
She came back and she is doing fine now... but has always been one to get into a "zone" where she is super serious and stresses out about the little things... but, with age, she is learning to deal with it. She is 12 now and falls make her mad - mad enough to cry... but she finishes the routine through the tears... and (with 1 fall, touching her hair 2x, adjusting her leo 1x, and 5 small wobbles, a medium wobble... and a 9.0 SV) she still managed a 7.4. Then she went out and got a 9.0 on floor and tied for 2nd on vault

To OP, if this is your daughter's way of coping, you will just have to live with it until she finds another way. You CAN, when there isn't a meet approaching, work on coping strategies. Good luck.

 

[MaryA]

I teach my kids to embrace the nervous energy and use it, not to calm.

I actually watched a TedTalk on this very topic today. When I watched it, I wasn't thinking about gymnastics, but reading this thread, I can definitely see how it relates. Here's the link...
http://www.upworthy.com/a-whole-new...ss-that-changes-everything-weve-been-taught-2

 

[Deleted member 14190]

In short, trying to calm yourself and not succeeding can actually cause more stress. Accepting nervous energy and embracing it are the infant stages of learning how to work with the energy. And I will say that it REALLY is all about the delivery of this info. That being said, this is a subject that should be dealt with by the coach. When a parent talks to a child about stress, it could create even more. Nothing worse then your dad watching you stress out at a meet then blow a routine, right after he just talked to you about stress. Now in your DD's mind she feels like she just not only let you down because she blew the routine but also blew the talk... I hope that makes sense. So I guess if the coach won't deliver the goods, then have uncle bob or grandpa do it. Also, I have certain kids that I never talk to about stress because they respond positively to it (if it's not broken, don't fix it).

 

[my4buffaloes]

I try to be very matter of fact with my dd. She gets very nervous too! She lets it build in her head to crazy levels. I just remind her that it is like any other meet and that she has always done fine. There will still only be 60 or so girls in her session and she will be competing against about a third of those - just like every other meet. I encourage her to just focus on the skills like she does in practice (ok this doesn't help when practice doesn't go well), just to breathe deep, etc.

She will visualize her routines on the way there - I think this helps for her to calm down. She can picture herself at the meet going through the motions. I tell her it will be ok no matter what happens. They really do need to think through if A happens, then what will I do, etc. So if she asks what if I fall on my squat on (stupid squat on!) then you say then you will get back up and do it again like it is no big deal. Every gymnast falls - they will continue to fall. They just have to get used to getting back up calmly and finishing the routine.

Good luck!

 

[COz]

My DD is only little so I have no experience with gymnastics competitions myself. I used to compete in Eisteddfods with music. I would need a lot of time to mentally prepare for things. Particularly on the day, I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I needed to get in the right mental space and stay there and didn't want any distractions, trivialities or having to explain myself or make sure my parents weren't stressed on my behalf or anything like that. I just needed to be left alone.

My music teacher didn't used to come to watch her students compete because many of them found that stressful. I was happy for her to come so she would watch me. My father never came to watch me. I'm not sure if early on I asked him not to, I really don't remember, but I know that if he had been present I would have found it distracting and stressful. I didn't mind my mother and sister coming along, as long as they didn't speak to me in the car etc.

I'm a bit hesitant to raise this, but I'm going to anyway. Please don't anyone take this the wrong way, but does anyone not go to see their child compete?

I wonder if any gymnastics children (particularly as they head towards adolescence) begin to worry about letting their parents down and this comes out with the meet nerves but not training nerves. The comments about "what if I..." make me wonder if there's a little bit of not wanting to let the parent down in there.

Has anyone ever asked their child if they'd prefer them not to come and watch?