WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[duyetanh]

I would very much like to believe these parent behaviors don't occur, but I know of a little girl who was promised a puppy if she didn't fall at a meet. She had a great meet, until she fell on the dismount of her very last routine.

If you read simone's autobio, her parents also promised her a dog for her performance.

 

[twinmomma]

I find that sort of thing horrific. What awful lessons to teach your children.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

If you read simone's autobio, her parents also promised her a dog for her performance.

Which performance, the Olympics, DWTS.............. Cause the only way my kid is getting a puppy is when she gets her own place...... rofl

 

[amiandjim]

If you read simone's autobio, her parents also promised her a dog for her performance.

I did read it but I don't remember that??

 

[my4buffaloes]

I do know someone that was offered a dog if they did her giants. Things like this do happen. It is insane.

 

[Really]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves as a gym parent and a big reason I wish there were regular parent-coach conferences. I don't want to bug the coach every time my kid comes home crying because the coach is threatening to send some of her group to XCel, but if I could be confident that the coach would come to me with any concerns then I'd be in a much better position to reassure my kid. After an episode of these threats, her confidence will often be so destroyed that she will have lousy practices for several days.

Please tell me that the coach does not actually "threaten" to send JO girls to Xcel as though that was some kind of punishment and it wasn't a perfectly respectable thing to do with your time and talents?

 

[dbean]

Have seen many parents offer cash(and other valuable prizes) for scores at meets.

Our daughter gets something little after every meet no matter the scores or medals because we know she is trying her hardest.

With that said, though rare, we do reward her for skills sometimes (normally for a skill she is scared/refuses to try...because, truth be told, candy motivates her). Even her coaches have offered her candy for trying something...chocolate rainbows overpower the mental blocks... (Only for skills they know she has)

We also reward her for good grades because, well dang, she deserves it for her hard work.

 

[duyetanh]

I did read it but I don't remember that??

Re-read it. I think it was when she made westerns? I can't remember the actual meet, but I do remember her sister Adria (spelling?) jumping up and down in the stands yelling, "We're getting a dog," and the dad turns to the mom and says, "Oh man....I guess we've got to get a dog."
....she also was allowed to get a belly ring when she made some other goal.

....mind you, not judging....but just saying, it happens at all levels.

And, no, it doesn't happen in my house. My kid did get to pick what dinner we were eating when she got her kip for the first time, but it was a celebration, and never mentioned beforehand.

 

[Pigeon]

Please tell me that the coach does not actually "threaten" to send JO girls to Xcel as though that was some kind of punishment and it wasn't a perfectly respectable thing to do with your time and talents?

And this is why I have crazy parents actually crying when it's suggested that their daughter compete in Xcel....And that is my entire problem with parents. I coach some lovely girls who struggle in JO but are perfect candidates for Xcel; but their parents freak out at just the thought of it. It truly breaks my heart.

 

[mommyof1]

Please tell me that the coach does not actually "threaten" to send JO girls to Xcel as though that was some kind of punishment and it wasn't a perfectly respectable thing to do with your time and talents?

Of course Xcel is a great path for some kids, but if a kid desperately wants the JO hours and intensity and has the skills and is doing well on that track, then yes it is a very much a punishment to have her hours cut in half. And yes, the coach does use it as a threat.

I am talking here about a kid who lives for gymnastics, scores 36s, sometimes contributes to the team score on a team of 15, and has had all the skills for the next level (except the vault, which they just started working on) for most of the season. A kid whose goal is to compete JO throughout high school. A kid who watches the big girls do release moves on bars and says "I want to do that." A kid who writes all of her school essays about gymnastics. A kid who has asked to quit all her other activities so she has more time for gym. A kid who complains that there is no practice on her one day off. A kid who is recognized as a hard worker and a leader on the team. She is just not cut out for 6 hours a week of practice with very little conditioning, which is Xcel at her gym. Not knocking Xcel, but it is not the path my child wants to pursue.

 

[dbean]

And this is why I have crazy parents actually crying when it's suggested that their daughter compete in Xcel....And that is my entire problem with parents. I coach some lovely girls who struggle in JO but are perfect candidates for Xcel; but their parents freak out at just the thought of it. It truly breaks my heart.

IDK...in NC I think xcel is pretty competitive.

Anyhow..DD a level 6. Recently she was scared of something and coach told her, "do this or go work out with the golds"...sounds more like a punishment than encouragement to me...made her break down and cry...she did end up trying the skill 15 minutes later but because it worked doesn't make it right.

Of course Xcel is a great path for some kids, but if a kid desperately wants the JO hours and intensity and has the skills and is doing well on that track, then yes it is a very much a punishment to have her hours cut in half. And yes, the coach does use it as a threat.

I am talking here about a kid who lives for gymnastics, scores 36s, sometimes contributes to the team score on a team of 15, and has had all the skills for the next level (except the vault, which they just started working on) for most of the season. A kid whose goal is to compete JO throughout high school. A kid who watches the big girls do release moves on bars and says "I want to do that." A kid who writes all of her school essays about gymnastics. A kid who has asked to quit all her other activities so she has more time for gym. A kid who complains that there is no practice on her one day off. A kid who is recognized as a hard worker and a leader on the team. She is just not cut out for 6 hours a week of practice with very little conditioning, which is Xcel at her gym. Not knocking Xcel, but it is not the path my child wants to pursue.

 

[gymbeam]

the threats of moving to xcel happen at our gym as well. this means girls mostly quit rather than move to xcel if they ever come to that crossroad. coaches sort of shoot themselves in the foot by doing that. they could have kept a girl in their gym, but instead she'd rather leave gymnastics all together than be "demoted" to xcel. its a shame. our xcel team is actually really great, too.

 

[Ali'sMom]

Well, I did reward my DD when she won a 1st place at a meet. It was one of those mornings when she was dreaming.."mom, what if I won 1st on something today. What would you do?" She hadn't won 1st on anything since Level 3 and was going to her first meet as a Level 6 after having a broken toe and missing the first meet. I just replied that I might dance (I don't dance...and if I do, it's not pretty).

But the real question is... did you dance?

 

[gymnastmom05]

But the real question is... did you dance?

Ha! No. She never brought that part up either. Now the leo...that's a different story.

 

[cadybearsmommy]

Of course Xcel is a great path for some kids, but if a kid desperately wants the JO hours and intensity and has the skills and is doing well on that track, then yes it is a very much a punishment to have her hours cut in half. And yes, the coach does use it as a threat.

I am talking here about a kid who lives for gymnastics, scores 36s, sometimes contributes to the team score on a team of 15, and has had all the skills for the next level (except the vault, which they just started working on) for most of the season. A kid whose goal is to compete JO throughout high school. A kid who watches the big girls do release moves on bars and says "I want to do that." A kid who writes all of her school essays about gymnastics. A kid who has asked to quit all her other activities so she has more time for gym. A kid who complains that there is no practice on her one day off. A kid who is recognized as a hard worker and a leader on the team. She is just not cut out for 6 hours a week of practice with very little conditioning, which is Xcel at her gym. Not knocking Xcel, but it is not the path my child wants to pursue.

I get this, and it makes is all the more inappropriate for coaches to use this as a threat. A kid shouldn't be threatened to move to Xcel over trouble with a skill or two, it doesn't motivate them, it upsets them. And it reinforces the idea that a lot of gyms have that Xcel is some kind of lesser program for "lesser" gymnasts which isn't always the case at all. Some very talented kids choose to compete Xcel. And how awful would it be for the Xcel gymnasts to hear coaches threaten to move their JO girls to Xcel? I can't imagine that would make them feel very good either......it's degrading to both the girl being threatened and the entire Xcel team. Just sad.

 

[Learning Parent GB]

Great example -- thanks. Kids, especially the younger ones, simply can't/don't convey the full (or at least full-er) context of a comment or behavior. Also, they can't read sarcasm or dry humor, which my DD's coaches use quite a bit. Several parents at our gym have been told by their kids that the coach frequently says things like "You're going back to Level # if you can't start pointing your toes" or "I'm never letting you do beam again after that routine." In the case of our coach, she isn't serious and is just dry or sarcastic. Still, the kids often perceive it as a real threat and it scares the crap out of and intimidates them (the younger ones) -- but to the point of fear and diminishing confidence, not motivation. I'd like to think that if those were things the coach were ACTUALLY considering (not saying moved back a level would never be warranted), there'd be a conversation about it in a more genuine fashion. Absent that, why say things like that? Anyway, the point is, kids can't always appropriately interpret what's going on so asking coaches for the fuller context is always a good idea. I NEVER assume what my kid tells me is the whole story.

This is a prime example where some communication can work for everyone. I don't actually care so much what they are ACTUALLY considering, but I do care if a child is scared of a coach and cries all the way home and is losing confidence. Some kids laugh things off and 'get it' some are genuinely scared, especially if that is not the way their family or school speak to them. And a 7 year old is less likely to get the over exageration and sarcasm than a 13 year old. I wish there was a way that could be fed back to the coach without it being a criticism, but with no communication these things tend only to come up when things are brought to a head so everyone is defensive of their own position.

 

[dancingimmie]

Our coaches used to threaten being "demoted" to xcel too. They were definitely treated as second class, they weren't even allowed in the locker room until recently. My dd used to get really upset when she first started on team.
Last year, one of our level 7s wanted to switch to xcel and the HC told her no, that she was to good for xcel. Well she wound up going to a different gym and competing xcel there.
The xcel group has had a coaching change this year and they are now treated the same as all the JO girls. It's really made a difference in how the girls interact with each other. We even went to a local xcel meet to cheer on some of dd's friends.

 

[sportsmom]

I don't think that us coaches necessarily think of parents as the enemy, more like "the afterthought." Obviously nobody wants to be thought of as an afterthought, but it's the reality of the day-to-day nature of our jobs.

All week long we are focused on preparing to coach your kids, then coaching your kids, then reviewing what happened when we coached your kids -- all so that we can repeat the process all over again the next week. In addition to that main part of our job, we have staff meetings, clinics, trainings, webinars, special events at the gym, privates, equipment maintenance, USAG certification maintenance, continuing education, judging (for some), choreography (for some), and about a half a dozen other things that have to be done to maintain a team. If you are a part-time coach, you are doing all of the above part-time while you either work another job or are in school. I truly had less responsibilities when I was employed as a marketing director for a major company (earned plenty more to boot)! With so many responsibilities, I am not thinking about the parents of my gymnasts unless something is not right with the gymnast and it's necessary to meet with the parents. Even if their is something not right, my first thought is not about the parents. My first thought is we need more of something going on in the gym... more conditioning, more pressure sets, more video review, more time on X event, etc. Or maybe we need less conditioning, less pressure, etc. Bottom line is when Suzy gymnast is having trouble with her ____________fill-in-the-blank) skill, I am not thinking that her parents will have the answer.

Most of the parents I have dealt with are not crazy, but I have had my share. I even had to take legal action against one. Here are the parental problem behaviors that I look as as reg flags for crazy parents:

(in no particular order)...

-being clearly jealous of other kids who are outperforming their child
-paying their child for results (I had one parent ask me what skills their child was missing to advance to the next level. I told her and she offered her child $100/skill)
-becoming obsessed with/stalking other gymnasts on the internet
-coaching through the window of the gym or coaching at home
-attempting to control the coach through private lessons
-attempting to make everything easier for their child instead of encouraging their child to work harder
-making constant excuses for their child
-while watching their child at practice/a meet, non-stop commenting to other parents about their child (as if the other parents are not there to watch their own kids)
-psycho texting or e-mailing the coach about what happened at practice/meets (some even text their coaches from the audience to the meet floor)
-not understanding that every time you encounter your child's coach, it is not a parent conference (like when you run into them at a wedding reception for instance)
-walking onto the practice floor to interrupt a coach who is busy coaching when they feel they need to discuss something
-asking permission for everything (ie: is it okay if I let my daughter eat birthday cake on her birthday?)
-hopping from gym to gym in search of the perfect gym
-making their kid jog/go to the fitness club/do yoga (etc.) with them, thinking it will give them a competitive edge (especially when the kid doesn't even want to)
-complaining all the time about nearly everything

I'm sure I missed a few, but it amazes me that I've had a few cases where a single parent was guilty of all of the above!

This one takes the cake, at Western's a child on my daughters team placed very well top three and after the meet was literally throwing a little tantrum in the stands. I was appalled by her behavior and honestly very confused. My daughter placed very well too and had nothing but a smile plastered on her face.
During our drive back to the hotel and stopping for food my daughter says out of nowhere, "do you know why _____gymnast was so upset?" I said no that was crazy. My daughter continues and says "her parents promised her a Brand New Jeep if she won!"

Seriously, what is wrong with parents. They literally took any joy the child could have had in that moment and crushed it by dangling a carrot based on a sport that someone else is scoring you in. I have seen and heard some crazy stuff but that took the cake for me.

 

[amiandjim]

This one takes the cake, at Western's a child on my daughters team placed very well top three and after the meet was literally throwing a little tantrum in the stands. I was appalled by her behavior and honestly very confused. My daughter placed very well too and had nothing but a smile plastered on her face.
During our drive back to the hotel and stopping for food my daughter says out of nowhere, "do you know why _____gymnast was so upset?" I said no that was crazy. My daughter continues and says "her parents promised her a Brand New Jeep if she won!"

Seriously, what is wrong with parents. They literally took any joy the child could have had in that moment and crushed it by dangling a carrot based on a sport that someone else is scoring you in. I have seen and heard some crazy stuff but that took the cake for me.

That's a whole new level of crazy!!

 

[Texasmomof3]

I just want to chime in that there really is some communication that is necessary. Our first gym charged a flat competition fee at the beginning of each season, and expenses were to be deducted from that money as they were spent. The gym would never tell us how and when our competition funds were being spent. We would just get notes that we owed money from time to time, with no response to email questions and no explanation from the front office or the coaches.

We also never got information about meets. One season we got a list of spring meets in November. Then suddenly in February I hear from another parent that the kids are competing that coming weekend. They had added another meet and not told anyone. They also cancelled a meet from the March roster and didn't tell the meet was off us until I asked three different time for my son's competition times that coming weekend.