Parents WWYD-Coach Hard To Get Along With

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GymMomK

Proud Parent
My daughter's coach is very hard to get along with. I'm wondering if it's possible for my daughter to be successful in gymnastics, with this gym if I am very hands-off/uninvolved. The other parents are very involved, sit and chat at practices, suck up to the coach, are very fake, "love" everything that goes on. I do not agree with that and will share my thoughts (when asked). I don't expect everyone to agree, but if asked, I do expect things to be democratic. This doesn't pertain to gymnastics, I let the coach deal with this, but the coach says she is all about "team" and "family". However, when it comes down to it, she is very controlling and does not really want feedback unless it is in favor of her ideas.

An example, coach chooses "team building" events that she is interested in, not the girls. An upcoming outing, most of the girls do not want to do, but neither the kids nor the parents will say anything. This is something that will cost us money and take away practice time. My daughter has said that she is not going to do it. And it is not something that I feel comfortable making her do. I think coach is hearing or feeling something because she has asked, in a group message, for us to at least let our girls show up to the event for pictures. This would mean I would drive 30 minutes to the gym, stay for 10 minutes or however long it takes to get a few group pictures and drive 30 minutes home. This is not the best use of my time.

I'm the only parent, though, that will speak up and say how I feel. Even though several of the parents will privately tell me that they do not agree with certain events that the team does or how things occur with the team. As far as gym goes, random days, about 2-3 a month, coach will call off practice with no makeup. The parents are always talking about this, but when I asked about making up the practice, they slammed me in our group message. Another recent situation involved the new uniforms. When leotards for this year were ordered, the coach sent out a group message that showed the leotards and wanted to know thoughts. I told her that my daughter said they looked really uncomfortable (long sleeve with a strange band for the cuff). There was a lot more that I wanted to say because neither my daughter nor I liked them. I received a private message telling me that she was the coach and she was the one that was in charge of making the decisions. I also received private messages from some of the moms stating they really did not like the leotards and wondered who chose them. In the group message, though, everyone was just "loving" the new leotards (except me).

Just to clarify, I know that I may not always be the easiest person to get along with, but I do not agree with saying one thing to one person and telling others the opposite. When I share my ideas or opinions, I do so respectfully. I do know that it is the coach's team and she makes many of the important decisions.

So, do you think that my daughter could be successful with this team (there are no other options within an hour driving distance, one way) if I simply stay out of the picture? I plan to go to meets and support my daughter, however, I can, but I am really struggling with being cordial to the coach.
 
Your best bet is to stay completely out of it. It sounds like you are surrounded by a bunch of parents who are all too afraid to speak freely (or maybe they are just 2 faced Bs, who knows). Either way, coach sounds like an insecure dictator, wanting it her way only but then craving that everyone agree and schmooze her while never having a separate opinion. She asks for opinions but really just wants Yes Men to strike her/his ego.
I, like you, am not a Yes Man. Only way to survive that gym as a parent is to offer no opinion at all. Especially to these parents that that tell you one thing and then go kiss ***. They will most likely throw you under the bus the first opportunity they get in order to make themselves or their kid look better.
Sorry for the bleak outlook, but sadly I’ve seen your gym/parent culture first hand.
 
It all sounds very annoying but far from critical enough to leave if you are otherwise happy with how your daughter is treated and how her gymnastics is progressing.
 
Your best bet is to stay completely out of it. It sounds like you are surrounded by a bunch of parents who are all too afraid to speak freely (or maybe they are just 2 faced Bs, who knows). Either way, coach sounds like an insecure dictator, wanting it her way only but then craving that everyone agree and schmooze her while never having a separate opinion. She asks for opinions but really just wants Yes Men to strike her/his ego.
I, like you, am not a Yes Man. Only way to survive that gym as a parent is to offer no opinion at all. Especially to these parents that that tell you one thing and then go kiss ***. They will most likely throw you under the bus the first opportunity they get in order to make themselves or their kid look better.
Sorry for the bleak outlook, but sadly I’ve seen your gym/parent culture first hand.
No need to be sorry. I appreciate your response. Helps me feel a bit less crazy ;)
 
I'm kind of on the opposite side. I think as parents, we should have some say. If we fail to speak up...then we just allow whatever happens. Case in point...we had a schedule come out this year that was really not compatible with school. I voiced my concern to other parents...they felt the same....but did not want to speak up....not me....I went straight to the coach and advised her the schedule does not allow ample time for schooling. As a result she shifted my DD schedule as well as some others....but then ultimately, other parents chimed in...and a meeting was held and the entire schedule was redone to accommodate more schooling......The coach was unaware that there was a problem because no-one chose to bring it up.....

Now your situation does sound a little cra...cra....but I would still speak up, just politically correct....more bees with honey.....she may actually take your concerns into consideration...and if she does, other parents will speak up as well. They still need our girls to make a team.....
 
By all means, if you think that offering your opinion to coach will make a difference then I’d agree with @Vondell30 and then yes, go ahead and speak up and often.

I definitely didn’t mean to say that you should shut up and take it if something the coach does just does not work for you at all.....but I got the impression that your coach has no interest in listening (just wanting yes men)

. If that’s the case - AND you are staying there and are willing to deal with her way or highway - then do not bother trying to be voice of reason. It will not be appreciated. No need to be the yes man and agree to kiss ***, just no need to be voice of reason if it is something that you are willing to deal with AND it will not help anything anyway. And most definitely do not join in on ***** sessions with other parents, as they only look out for themselves.

Now, if things are bad enough, coach does something that is a deal breaker, then quit....cause she probably still won’t listen to reason
 
I don't know. It sounds to me like the coach makes some decisions and hopes everyone will like them and then might have her feelings hurt when they don't (leotard example). I've come to realize over the years that you can't please everyone (this is assuming your team is more than just a small number of girls) and pleasing multiple levels from ages 6-18 years old is hard. There is always someone that isn't completely happy because that's just too many different variables. For what it's worth, I'm assuming as many parents say they don't like something to you, there's also that many parents that do like it.....I could be wrong but that's what I'm thinking. Now, the cancelling practice is another thing. That seems to make most parent's mad if it occurs as often as you say it does. That would be something I would document just to make sure it was as many days as you stated and then speak to the coach/gym owner, etc. Ours cancels practice sometimes (Halloween which I'm happy about, my kid doesn't have to make a choice), other times when the coaches are at Congress, meets when most coaches are traveling and obviously the big holidays. Unless something is a huge deal and my kid is happy and safe, I would pay my bill and not worry what everyone else is doing. If the coach asks things as a large group, unless you feel incredibly strongly about the topic, just don't comment. I have found the higher up in gymnastics your child gets, the less the parents are involved. The sitting through practices ends after the first few years because most people have more important things to do with their time instead of sitting in a gym 9-20 hours a week!
 
People complain just for the sake of complaining, especially in groups. Kids complain about school or a teacher. Co-workers complain about a boss or management. Parents complain about their kids' school or activities. In many ways, this is a form of bonding. You could be seeing this dynamic in play when you say that you are the only one who "will speak up and say how you feel". When I think of how much I 'complain' in any given week with people, almost all of it is not something I would be motivated to take action on...most of it is just commiserating with or listening to someone 'who gets it'.

I think you just pick your battles on what you decide to 'formally' complain about with the coach, teacher, boss, child, spouse and whoever else in your life.
 
If you are completely happy with the gymnastics side and coaching then yes I think your daughter could still be successful in gymnastics and don’t think the other things will impact that much except for maybe the cancelling practice, which I would log and depending on frequency may bring this up.
With regard to stuff like the leotard a lot of people will ask for opinions but don’t actually want opinions they just want people to say how lovely it is, most coaches in my experience make the decision without ever asking parents.
I think as the poster above said pick your battles, sometimes I will moan with friends/other gym parents about stuff but I’m just venting and it doesn’t bother me enough to complain about it (eg change of holiday training but if I can still get her there I won’t complain to the gym I will just suck it up)
 
If the coaching/gymnastics side is ok, stick with it but having come from a gym with a coach we had major issues with, we opted to speak up and ultimately left when we realized that they didn’t really want anyone to bring concerns to them. They were much happier with the parents who paid the bill but stayed away from the gym. Many of those parents were just as frustrated with things as we were but didn’t want to do anything about it. It doesn’t sound like your concerns are with how this coach is coaching but are instead with these extra activities.
 

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