Parents Your input, please

[kmc]

I need your opinion as to whether I should say something to the coach or am I being a CGM?

My daughter is 11 years old, and this will be her fifth year competing. She is in Xcel and will compete Platimun this year.

She came home very upset from practice. She has been struggling with her BWO on beam. She had it fine, now it is gone. I saw the recent post on here where advice was given about thinking about the "rainbows" that are made, and that the toe should follow the rainbow made by the nose. I mentioned this to her as she was leaving the car to head into practice. Just something to think about if the BWO wasn't going well today.

After beam, she had gone up to her coach to tell her what I had told her. I think dd was kind of excited to think about it that way. As dd walked away, the coach called over to the other coach and said "Hey, did you know dd's mom told her how to do a BWO on beam? Maybe the parents should get their own gym and teach their kids."

It was said loud enough that everyone heard. Dd felt that she insulted me and got very upset.

My initial reaction is that it was inappropriate for a coach to make that comment publicly and that I should speak to her about how it made dd did feel.

Or, am I just being a mama bear because dd's feelings were hurt? And, I know us parents should let the coaches do the coaching, but aside from encouraging dd to be her best, I don't usually say anything specific. The first time I do - look how it ended up.

So, do I say anything or just let it go?

 

[JBS]

Let it go.

 

[gymjunkie]

No offense, but I would probably have said something similar to another coach. I would not have humiliated your daughter in front of her teammates, because that's unnecessary. I would have told your daughter that it concerns me that she is getting coaching advice from you.

If one of my coaches had humiliated your daughter in this way and you came to me and complained about his/her reaction to you coaching her, I would acknowledge that the reaction was inappropriate, but at the same time I would give you a lecture on why you should not coach your daughter!

 

[GymnastMomX2]

Yea, I would let it go. They shouldn't have said that in front of your daughter like that, but not worth it to make a fuss I don't think.

 

[duyetanh]

I think it is so hard being a parent in this sport. If we hear about something, or see that something very simple could help our child, of course we want to tell our child-we are their parents, and no one knows them better than us! *but*....

That's just it. We are their parents. NOT their coaches. Our job is to be supportive and that meams both of our children and of the job our coaches agree with. If there were major issues at my child's gym in terms of the coaches, i would not let my child know. If I saw or heard about something that I truly felt would benefit my child, I would remind myself that unless I wanted to be the coach, I need to trust the process. Does that mean I don't vent to friends when stuff chaps my hide? H*ll no...that is what friends are for...but just as you would not like the coach to tell you how to parent (think nutrition thread, I think it is now 10 pgs), so do coaches prefer you do not coach. Let it go...but if anything comes up again, then reconsider. This should be a one and done deal. And also (trying to see some positive for you) tell your child you are fine, so she doesn't worry about your feelings, and that hey, at least she has the cool rainbow idea to think of to herself (seeing as you told her it already). It is very important for your dd to think your shell is thicker than it is. Good luck, and I am sorry your dd had to hear it all.

 

[kmc]

Thank you all for your replies. Lesson learned for me. It's funny - I specifically wrote my post so that it just focused on that incident because I truly wanted objective feedback - didn't want to give a lot of background or mention other things to cloud the issue.

Then, as your replies came, I was thinking "but what if I told you this..." or "but what if you knew..." BUT, it really does boil down to what you all said - I shouldn't coach from home, and the coach should not have said that so that my daughter could hear. I'll be a little more on alert to make sure comments like that don't become the norm, but will let it go.

And thanks, duyetanh, for reminding me to make sure dd knows that her coach's words didn't hurt me. I'm anxious to see how she feels when she wakes up this morning, as I told her a good night's sleep helps a lot of things.

 

[2gymmies]

I might also go as far as explaining to your dd that it was wrong for you to "coach" her and that you believe in her and her coaches ability to work through this.

 

[kmc]

I might also go as far as explaining to your dd that it was wrong for you to "coach" her and that you believe in her and her coaches ability to work through this.

Good idea! I will do that.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Oh geez. I know I am very far in the minority but I'm gonna say my opinion anyway.

Coaches aren't gods and they aren't infallible or omnipotent. When it comes to teaching or reaching MY kid, they get it wrong sometimes. If I never stepped in some way, some skills would've never come. We haven't been in this game long but I've been their parent for forever and I know how they think.

Now I guess we come from a different place. I have actively had coaches from two gyms ask my opinion and/or invite me onto the floor to help with DD. It's worked for us.

In general I understand the sentiment of leave the coaching to the coaches, but certainly not to the degree that it makes it ok for them to be flat out rude and for me to expect a lecture to boot just for a comment like you made to your DD. Holy heck- when did coaching become so beyond reproach?

We parents are literally just checkbooks in the gym and expected to sign with a smile, but I will never be just that to my DD. I talk to her about gym all the time. Every day in fact, because that's what she wants from our relationship, and that includes the good practices and the bad. Luckily we haven't had much experience with closed off coaches. Even ODDs new gym, where the HC is a man of few and quiet words, I've had conversations with him about how she approaches and thinks about things. I feel lucky that their coaches have accepted my insight and used it to coach my kids more effectively.

 

[Graham14]

I believe in letting coaches do their thing.

That said, what the coach did was unprofessional. They should have pulled you or your DD to the side, not made it a public thing.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Definitely let it go, and acknowledge to your DD that you overstepped. Out of care for her and her gymnastics, but inappropriate nonetheless.

(Wearing coach hat)
I have absolutely said something to that effect, loud enough for everyone to hear, on purpose. Not rudely whatsoever, never, but I have reminded both kids and parents (shouting from the sidelines) that *I* am the coach,mom or dad isn't.
I truly try to phrase it as "love the enthusiasm for the sport, please allow us to form a good, trusting relationship with your child in order to help them succeed in their sport. They need to trust us and not have conflicting info coming from you (when most of "you" have no clue, really)... It's a major point in our team handbook.

(Wearing parent hat)
It really cannot be said enough that parents need to let the coaches coach. When my DD is out on the floor doing her gymnastics (not mine, hers!) she belongs to them, period.
It's hard. Oh so hard sometimes. I coach. I *could* drill her on things and actually have some clue to what I was doing. But I can't. I will remind her to straighten her legs and point her toes (with her coaches blessing, lol) but that's it. To do anything else other than support her would undermine what they are trying to do with her, and they know my kid in a different way than I do.

(Wearing both hats)
Currently I do have some time where I am part of conditioning her team, and she absolutely responds to me differently than her other coaches. I know because I am constantly on the floor and see how she is with all her other coaches. I have talked to her about it, and I do not treat her any different than the other gymnasts. I will correct her no more or less than the other girls. I will call her out on stuff, I will praise her for stuff, just as the others. I am so very thankful that I don't actually have to COACH her on skills!!!

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I have absolutely said something to that effect, loud enough for everyone to hear, on purpose. Not rudely whatsoever, never, but I have reminded both kids and parents (shouting from the sidelines)

Parents shouting from the sidelines might be ok to good naturedly call it out.

The OP situation it was rude. Yes the coach should coach. And handle the situation without embarrassing the parent and more importantly the child. It should be a quiet conversation between the parent and coach.

And if you are going to tell, don't you hate when a parent does..... Or guess what stupid thing happened.....stories, you do it out of ear shot of the kids and your customers/clients.

I work in a hospital, trust me there are ton of those kind of situations on every shift. You zip your lip until you are away from the patients ther healthcare workers who make you want to spit. You save it for a good laugh or mega vent in the break room, not in front of the whole ER.

It's bad form period.

 

[curlymop]

In general, I do think that parents should just stay out of it and let the coaches coach, but this is ridiculous. I don't think you overstepped at all. You told her to imagine a rainbow, and you said it at home. It's not like you stepped out on the floor to spot her during practice or shouted it from your seat. I'm sorry, but any coach who would be offended by that needs to check his ego a bit. My kids have highly qualified professionals who teach them at school, but I'm encouraged to be involved there. If my kid is having trouble understanding something at school and I have a different way of explaining it that might help him to understand it, you'd better believe I'm going to tell him. I don't think this is really that different.

 

[Seeker]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think you learned something valuable about your daughters' coaches though. Take that information with you as you move forward.

 

[duyetanh]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think you learned something valuable about your daughters' coaches though. Take that information with you as you move forward.

THIS.

 

[Flyaway]

In general, I do think that parents should just stay out of it and let the coaches coach, but this is ridiculous. I don't think you overstepped at all. You told her to imagine a rainbow, and you said it at home. It's not like you stepped out on the floor to spot her during practice or shouted it from your seat. I'm sorry, but any coach who would be offended by that needs to check his ego a bit. My kids have highly qualified professionals who teach them at school, but I'm encouraged to be involved there. If my kid is having trouble understanding something at school and I have a different way of explaining it that might help him to understand it, you'd better believe I'm going to tell him. I don't think this is really that different.

This is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't quite put it into words. A coach should not be threatened by a conversation like this that happens at home between a parent and child.

 

[sce]

I am going to disagree with most of the above posters. The coach was rude and made the child feel bad. If they feel Mom overstepped they should deal with it privately. Mom, I think you should bring it up to the coaches.

 

[kmc]

Thanks, everyone. I do appreciate hearing both sides of this. Because I was pretty fired up last night. And that is not the time to send an email. So I am glad that I was talked off the ledge. I am a teacher, so I've had many a vent about what a parent has said or emailed, but in the privacy of my office with colleagues. Never in front of a student. And if I slipped up and did? Boy, would I hear about it. The parents rule our district. Anyway...

What I didn't mention was that dd started to cry when she told me about what happened and also said she was done with gymnastics. She has never said this before, nor cried about something at gym. I honestly just chalked all that up to hormones. So, this morning after a good night's sleep and breakfast, I asked how she now felt about what happened. She was actually still upset about it. "Mom, she YELLED it across the gym." I think Seeker said it best - I've now learned something about this coach.

And I'm going to keep tabs on this. Hopfully, this was an isolated incident. I don't stay and watch (because then I really would be 'coaching' dd. watching practice drives me nuts - point your toes, straighten your legs!) but many other parents do, so between what dd says and they see, I should able to know what is going on in the gym.

 

[gymjunkie]

What is the ranking of this coach? Is it the HC, an event coach, a new coach? Is the gym generally a professionally run operation?

 

[gymdog]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think you learned something valuable about your daughters' coaches though. Take that information with you as you move forward.

Yeah I'm all about parents not coaching, but this seems fairly innocuous. On my scale, this wouldn't even rate. I'm trying to imagine my response if a kid said that to me and I can't muster up much more than "that's cool, maybe it'll work." It's really just an idea that's neither here nor there. Obviously they should be trying to go over the top of the beam so if thinking about rainbows helps them, cool. If it was a comment that was wrong or not applicable to the child's mistake for whatever reason, I would just tell them honestly "well, Suzie, the problem is that you're bending your legs and arms and that is making you fall, so it might be better to just focus on your drills for straight arms." so, maybe the coach was frustrated because it isn't applicable to your child's mistake and now she feels your child won't be focusing on the correct thing. But I still wouldn't yell that across the gym, I would just tell the kid why, and possibly the parent if I felt it warranted follow up.

I might roll my eyes later with another coach if it was something really silly, but again, not sure this would rate, it really just sounds like anything any random parent would say in passing when their child complains about something (like child complaining about not getting over vault stack, parent "oh. Maybe you can run faster"). It is a bit different because you got it from here and specifically told your daughter, but I'm. It sure I would pick up on that. Or maybe the coach recognized it from here, lol.