Parents Advice - Re Delicate situation for oldest dd

[Ex member]

My dd has been in her disability development group for nearly 1 year now and absolutely loves it.

A few weeks ago a new girl joined the group who is a couple of years younger then my dd, I am pleased that another girl has joined the group as there was only my dd and an older girl before and 4 boys.

This new girl has been giving my dd a bit of an hard time, nothing too extreme, just annoying her and calling her names, during the last session the new girl kept banging into my dd on the vault run and kept blowing in her face and during conditioning they had a see who could "hold the plank" the longest competition and the new girl said I don't want to be next to "a small person", part of my dd's disability is short stature (she is nearly 11 and is the height of a 5 year old), my dd is not all that sensitive about her height but this really got to her I think the reason it got to her us because this girl was winding dd up most of the session, this new girl is 8 and taller than dd.

I have talked to dd about it and asked dd if she gas told her coach and dd said she did and that the coach would have a chat with the girl, dd said that never happened. I have advised dd to try and ignore this girl unless she gets physical.

Any suggestions on how I can help dd rise above this or do you advise a meeting with the coach, my dd has no issues with any other team member. I don't want this to get to my dd too much and stop her enjoying her chosen sport.

I am aware that this is a delicate situation as it is a disability group.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

it really does depend on the nature of this other girls disability, as to what level of behavior could be expected from her, either way I would make sure that the coach is aware that her behavior is annoying your daughter

 

[Ex member]

That is my gut reaction, I think this girl has ADHD or something similar, I wan't my dd to be tolerant of other children who may have problems but I don't want my dd to feel pushed out by another child's behaviour and help her understand this little girl enough to tolerate some of the verbal outbursts that maybe she cannot help.

My dd will not see this girl until later in the week, if my dd is still feeling like there is an issue that she cannot deal with alone then I will have a chat with her coach.

 

[Amusibus]

Hmm... If it is ADHD, yah, that behavior sounds pretty typical. Even the comment she made, they tend to be very impulsive and don't think before they speak/act. I don't imagine the coach would be willing to disclose or discuss any other child's disability so it's really hard to know. I would say try telling your daughter to communicate her feelings, like, "I don't like it when you____", or "That kind of hurt my feelings". Most ADHD kids aren't trying to be mean or hurtful, they just cross that line without meaning to or realizing it. If that doesn't work, I'd talk to the coach.

Our gym doesn't have a disability group, though another gym we visited a while back did. My daughter has ADHD and Aspergers, and does ok in the regular team group, though it took a couple gym changes back in the beginning to find a good fit for her. I am wondering (maybe this is really a coach question), what types of disabilities would go in a disability class/team? I mean physical/mental/behavioral, or any of these? Just curious.

 

[Ex member]

Hmm... If it is ADHD, yah, that behavior sounds pretty typical. Even the comment she made, they tend to be very impulsive and don't think before they speak/act. I don't imagine the coach would be willing to disclose or discuss any other child's disability so it's really hard to know. I would say try telling your daughter to communicate her feelings, like, "I don't like it when you____", or "That kind of hurt my feelings". Most ADHD kids aren't trying to be mean or hurtful, they just cross that line without meaning to or realizing it. If that doesn't work, I'd talk to the coach.

Our gym doesn't have a disability group, though another gym we visited a while back did. My daughter has ADHD and Aspergers, and does ok in the regular team group, though it took a couple gym changes back in the beginning to find a good fit for her. I am wondering (maybe this is really a coach question), what types of disabilities would go in a disability class/team? I mean physical/mental/behavioral, or any of these? Just curious.

Thanks for the suggestions, I will get my dd to try that if I happens again (if she hadn't already tried it).

The coach would never discuss other children's disabilities without permission, the disability group is a close group that welcomes new parents and we will all sit together and have a natter while the session is on, the patents themselves speak about their child's disability, it is sort of like an unofficial support group where no one judges.

Children on the ADHD spectrum do not automatically go into the disability group, they start in the normal rec and development groups first, they are moved into the disability groups if they cannot cope in the other groups as the disability groups tend to be smaller and have more coaches that are trained or training to coach children with disabilities, these coaches also teach normal rec and one of them is a performance development coach.

My dd started in rec when she was 6 but had to drop out as she couldn't cope with mainstream gymnastics physically - she is really small, has hypermobilty syndrome, generally weakness in her body and development delays on the physical side. Dd is fine learning wise and is one of the top students in her class.

Dd returned to gymnastics when the disability groups took on children with physical disabilities as well as learning disabilities, I think there was a change in the British Gymnastics rules that allowed this.

When they do competitions there is two categories - Physical and Learning, they are then split into age groups.

 

[2G1B]

My son has ADD. his bff, also a gymnast, has ADHD. I feel strongly that their diagnosis does NOT make it OK for them to be mean to other kids in practice. Yes, at times they will be more distracted or possibly have a hard time with sitting still; but it is never acceptable for them to get in another kid's space, especially with malicious intentinions. And it is definitely not OK for them to say mean things to other kids. And honestly, this is never an issue with my son or his bff. They certainly have their issues from time to time; but being mean is not ever the problem. IMO if a child has problems that make it where they can not be nice then they need to be in one one one classes. While it is important for us to teach our children empathy and consideration I don't feel that we should have to teach them that it is OK for some people to be mean to them repeatedly. It might happen occasionally (with kids it WILL happen from time to time) but we as parents should not have to prep our kids before each practice to expect cruelty from a particular kid.

 

[gwenmom]

My son has ADD. his bff, also a gymnast, has ADHD. I feel strongly that their diagnosis does NOT make it OK for them to be mean to other kids in practice. Yes, at times they will be more distracted or possibly have a hard time with sitting still; but it is never acceptable for them to get in another kid's space, especially with malicious intentinions. And it is definitely not OK for them to say mean things to other kids. And honestly, this is never an issue with my son or his bff. They certainly have their issues from time to time; but being mean is not ever the problem. IMO if a child has problems that make it where they can not be nice then they need to be in one one one classes. While it is important for us to teach our children empathy and consideration I don't feel that we should have to teach them that it is OK for some people to be mean to them repeatedly. It might happen occasionally (with kids it WILL happen from time to time) but we as parents should not have to prep our kids before each practice to expect cruelty from a particular kid.

Dd is ADHD and I would never tolerate this behavior from her or DS who is ADD. I completely agree with 2G1B

 

[Amusibus]

I agree, meanness is not ok or normal with ADHD kids. What is described in the original post is more being obnoxious than mean, reflects more impulsivity than malice. It depends on the kid. But I can see it's obvious to an adult how these actions are mean. It may not have been intended that way. Being on vs. off medication makes a huge difference in the behavior as well as the expectations. It's all speculation anyway, we don't really know what this kid's issues are.

 

[bookworm]

Disability or not, mean is mean. I would shoot an email off to the coach (or speak to him or her) about the offending behavior and request that the coaches keep an extra eye on the kid doing it and make them knock it off (at least in the gym class) .. I wouldn't pay to have my kid harassed....

 

[Flossyduck]

It's a gymnastics class and just because it's a disability gymnastics class doesn't mean that your daughter should be putting up with anything like that. The girl might just be trying to make friends with your daughter and going about it in that funny way some kids have!

Maybe your daughter did talk to the coach and maybe the coach thought the child is new, lets see how it goes, or didn't feel able to tackle it straight away. Maybe the coach did talk to the girl but it went in one ear and out the other.

Quite a few maybes so either way, if it were me, I would have a quiet word with the coach myself. She may explain what action has taken place or how she plans to deal with it but at the very least it will be logged at a coach parent level. And it shows your daughter that it isn't ok for her to be treated in any less a way because she is in a disability group.

 

[Jenny]

I think you should have a quiet word with the coach. She needs to be really on top of this behaviour right from the start. A disability might explain the new girls behaviour but it does not excuse it.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I think you should have a quiet word with the coach. She needs to be really on top of this behaviour right from the start. A disability might explain the new girls behaviour but it does not excuse it.

yep, i agree with this. this is one i have no experience with. we don't have any programs like this. but the above sounds reasonable.

 

[Ex member]

Dd has gym again tonight, I will see how things go, if there is no more issues then I will leave it, but if dd has anymore problems with this girl then I will be talking to the coach.

Thanks to all that have posted for your advice.

 

[Ex member]

Dd had issues tonight with the girl, I had to talk to the coach after session at dd's request, the coach is going to have a chat with the whole group as she has been doing it to others as well, dd has been told to come to whichever coach she is working with if this continues or come to me and I will have to talk to the coach again.

The coach is going to nip this in the bud as quick as she can as she said that they have to work hard on competitions coming up later in the year.

 

[htimcj]

Sorry that your DD had to deal with it again but it sounds like the coach has noticed and will try to do something about it.

 

[Jenny]

Sounds like the coach is on to it and so are the other girls. Kind but firm is what you want and a bit of time.