Women Growing pains...

[StringBean'sMom]

And not the physical sort! My daughter just started gymnastics last summer (she's 9 &1/2) and has progressed really quickly. They moved her from rec classes to pre team within a month or two and just just joined the team this month. Coaches are still debating whether she will compete new level 3 or 4. So, she has had a ton of progress and successes in a short period of time, which is a blessing and a curse!

Since she has learned a lots of skills so quickly, she is just now experiencing the concept that not everything is going to happen overnight for her. As skills get harder, it's going to take time and you need patience and persistence. Unfortunately, she has no frame of reference for how long it can really take to work and work at a new skill before she "gets" it. This is topped off by her tendency for anger and frustration to quickly translate to the verge of tears - a mindset which only makes a skill get worse instead of better in that moment. It's a vicious cycle!

Any advice to help her turn the frustration to motivation, instead of getting so emotional and so far into her own head that she freezes up? She does keep on trying (definitely doesn't quit or give up) but you can just see her crumple emotionally and suddenly every attempt just gets worse and worse. She has a mindset of always wanting to end on a good note (which is helpful after falls on beam, etc so she doesn't walk away and let that be the last thing in her mind), but in these frustrated moments, the more she tries the worse it gets!

I have a feeling this is one of those life-lessons where Mommy is just going to have to shut-up, back off and let her figure it out on her own. It just feels like one of those times where I should have some words of wisdom to help her and I apparently don't!

It's such an important life lesson, so I'm really glad she is learning it - but maybe Mommy just needs some patience in letting her struggle through this!

 

[MaryA]

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Remind her that it takes some gymnasts several years to get to where she is now, and that you understand that she is used to being able to pick up things quickly, but that isn't the reality of the sport. One of the moms on this site likened watching your gymmie progressing to watching paint dry. Learning to be patient with yourself and to keep chipping away at those skills, day after day, week after week, month after month, and yes, sometimes year after year is as much a part of the sport as learning to do a back handspring. She's old enough to understand what you're saying, even if she doesn't "believe" you right away. And then back off and let her figure it out from there.

 

[iwannacoach]

This sound like a recipe for success except for one thing, her frustration management skills. Once she learns that putting reckless energy into the extra attempts only makes them harder to do, she may settle down and concentrate on what corrections need to be made. She'll learn, over time, that skills take longer as she encounters more of them, perhaps sooner that you think. You may be able to help that process by where she "was at" a few months ago, or by having her watch video of herself from two months ago and then current video.

Personally, I'd leave her to decide when to evolve beyond her crying when she's butting heads with a skill. As long as her tears are pretty much the silent type, and she's not shaking and sobbing, let her use them as a coping mechanism until she finds a better way to relieve/reduce her "stress" of the moment. That depends on how far the coaches will let that sort of thing go, but as you can see she's crying "for the right reasons."

 

[StringBean'sMom]

I agree - she manages to keep the tears in check during practice, so she's not dissolving into a crying mess or interrupting practice for everyone. If the coach asks if she's ok, she says yes and keeps plugging away! I love that she is so committed and invested in what she is doing.

I do have several videos of her early stages with skills, so a "remember when" session would probably be helpful. She does seem to forget that she has been frustrated with skills and worked through it successfully. Self reflection isn't a common trait in a 9 year old, huh? I reminded her this morning of how cranky she was when the coaches started insisting on better form in her pullover on bars (i.e. no jumping!) - I kept hearing "but I could DO this before and now I can't!" Once she calmed down and worked a little, she got it....

It's mainly frustrating for us because if this happens near the end of practice, she comes home grumpy and sullen. I'm finding that keeping a happy attitude myself and not trying to engage her right then is more helpful that trying to talk to her. (However, Trying to convince my husband of this is just as hard as talking to her...lol!). Fortunately, after practice it's pretty much snack and bedtime,so we don't have to deal with Ms Grumpy for long....and she's thankfully over it by morning!

 

[gymmomtotwo]

It might help to enlist the coach on this one to have a talk with her about how gymnastics works and the time it takes to learn new skills. Since she is used to fast progress, this isn't something she learned about gymnastics at an early age. The coach talks all the time to DDs preteam group about progress and perseverence. Even at the young age of 6, the kids know that it takes many attempts and drills to get the major skills and then eventually to perfect them. Some kids in the group have taken the whole school year to get the front hip circle. It's a testament to the coach's patience and the kid's perseverance that they didn't give up a long time ago. They finally can all do it, but still not consistently. I think if the coach puts this in her head rather than you (because we are just the parent, and what do we know?) then it has a better chance of making an impact. And then you get to a situation where they have a skill and then can't do it for awhile. The coaches talk them through this as well. It's part of the sport the coaches are used to.

 

[StringBean'sMom]

Yes, I have talked to her coach - She could see it already but did take time to talk to me to be sure nothing else was bothering her. She has a great way of being straightforward, strict, supportive and encouraging at the same time. She also has been working with my girl since the beginning, so she is familiar with her progress and quirks!

 

[GymBeeMom]

I used to tell my dd, "when you want it more than you_______(fear, get frustrated by, feel defeated by, etc)it, you will do it." It took her a bit to understand but she has learned that when she wants it, she has to put her other feelings aside because they are what prevent her from achieving what she wants. When she is having a meltdown, in that moment, I ask her if she is getting what she wants out of this. It helps her to reset herself. She has learned through this repetitive mantra that she can control her emotions in the moment to focus on what she wants. Now she will occasionally say, "I was getting frustrated (or scared, or mad) but I didn't cry because I had to focus on getting what I wanted. She is almost 9 years old, so I had to keep it simple. I always came out with the same thing, "when you want it more than you_____it, you will do it." It sank in...

Maybe this would work for your dd.

 

[spgymnastics]

I have the exact same situation with my DD. everything used to come so easy for her in and outside of the gym.

What I found useful is telling her about situations where I had to work hard to get something (at work etc). I am telling her in details how frustrating it was, how sometimes it seems to me that it is easy for everyone else... not in a condescending "look how I managed to overcome" way but really just sharing...

Somehow that always helped to calm her and get her motivated again

 

[StringBean'sMom]

I really really like that mantra GymBeeMom! I will definitely have to share that one with her!

 

[StringBean'sMom]

We are making progress! One of the coaches last night told me that she is starting to see her reach that place of being upset, but by the time her turn comes up again, she is starting to able to focus and implement whatever corrections they gave her. The coach said she is very proud of how well she listens and takes correction.

Little brag....she "got" her front handspring on vault last practice! It's not pretty yet, but she gets it over and lands on her feet!

 

[Kiwi]

She sounds a lot like my DD - this has a been a great life lesson for her. Sometimes my DD gets so frustrated when she isn't getting something that she has to vent a little (usually with some quiet crying), then she pulls herself together and gets back into it. Maybe your DD could try this approach. Take a break from the skill, vent the frustration in a safe way, then come back when ready to try again.

My DD has got better over time, she is also now able to remember how she thought she would never get some skill in the past and eventually she did, so these days there is a lot less of the despairing cries of 'I'll NEVER get it!!!!'. She has learned how chipping away can get you there in the end.

With my DD I would never take the approach of staying quiet and letting her try to figure it out on her own because I don't think that would work well with my daughter because I know her personality. I am always talking to her in a kind and gentle and encouraging way, because experience has taught me that works well with her. You'll need to figure out what approach is likely to work best for your daughter, based on your experience as her mum.

 

[StringBean'sMom]

It is such a delicate balance of knowing when to talk and when to back off with mine. I'm not the sort who holds back from talking things through with her, but I have learned how to pick my moment properly and how to keep it straight to this point to avoid "nagging". There are times that I can tell she just doesn't want a pep talk from mom, and even if she may need one, I hold off because she really won't hear what I'm saying! Thankfully, she has great coaches who can get message through to her better than I sometimes.

 

[StringBean'sMom]

Two steps forward....one step back.

She had been doing a little better with controlling the emotions and the self-defeating attitude, but had an (expectable) backslide yesterday and wow! we have a great LONG talk about handling increasingly difficult skills, harder work, etc. It all started when she got embarrassed that she backed out of practicing a scarier new skill on bars (heavily spotted flyaway - she was doing them great last week but then started over thinking and letting go too early - thank heavens for great coaches who can catch her!). That totally deflated her for the rest of the night and on the way home I heard heavy sighs and dramatic statements like "I don't have a favorite event anymore..." Well, Mommy couldn't keep her mouth shut at that point...we talked for along time about fears being good (but can't let them control you!), everything is going to get harder and you have to find the joy in the process and the hard work, (not just in throwing the cool skill at the end), and managing mental blocks/overthinking things, even if you don't feel like you are actively "thinking" about doing a skill. Have you ever tried explaining the subconscious mind to a nine year old? Lol...

Anyway, it was a long talk but she was much more upbeat and seemed to listen & take it all in for once! No practice tonight....we will see how much of our talk her subconscious retains at the gym tomorrow!

Our new motivational phrases (courtesy of her teacher prior to state standardized tests last week). - Refuse to be discouraged. Believe in your own brilliance. Never believe you don't have what it takes! (Need to frame this one on her wall!)

 

[leotardmakermum]

It's mainly frustrating for us because if this happens near the end of practice, she comes home grumpy and sullen. I'm finding that keeping a happy attitude myself and not trying to engage her right then is more helpful that trying to talk to her. (However, Trying to convince my husband of this is just as hard as talking to her...lol!). Fortunately, after practice it's pretty much snack and bedtime,so we don't have to deal with Ms Grumpy for long....and she's thankfully over it by morning!

If she is often grumpy at the end of training, make sure it isn't also partly a "run-out-of-energy" situation. It takes some gymnasts a lot of fuel to get through a several-hour training session. Perhaps she needs more of a booster part way through. If they have a break, see if you can up-calorie whatever it is that she has during that break, and I don't mean just adding sugar!

 

[StringBean'sMom]

I do think that can amplify the issue for her! The tendency to be overly discouraged and emotional is there all the time, but often I think it overflows even more on the way home when she's extra tired and hungry.

 

[MaryA]

I don't think this really applies in your situation, since it sounds like you're always the one picking her up from the gym, but when DD started at a private gym (switching from the Y) her hours increased significantly and we were carpooling with two families with girls much older than DD. She would walk into the house and be a BEAR... rip everyone's heads off. We were thinking, "If she's so tired that she can't be pleasant in the little bit of time that we get to see her, this isn't going to work out." Well, it turns out that because the older girls weren't really including her in their conversations (they're lovely girls. They were just talking about things that DD wasn't interested in, plus she was kind of shy around them) DD was dozing off and would have to be woken up to get out of the car. No wonder she was grumpy! The carpool situation changed and we started sharing rides with girls her own age/level and she would spend the car ride home talking and laughing with friends and came home happy.

Is carpooling an option for you? Maybe if she has some time after practice where she's more focussed on hanging out with her gym friends and less focussed on what happened at practice, it could help her "leave gym in the gym" at least.

 

[StringBean'sMom]

Our gym is really close to home (7-8 minutes), so we don't really need the carpool option ( and I'm not sure any of her teammates live too near us). The short ride does mean that she doesn't have enough time to leave gym at gym before we are home!

I also think there may be more the "fuel" issue than I initially thought. Tonight she was complaining about her stomach hurting after snack break. She didn't eat a good enough snack (from what she described to me) and I think her stomach was just working on digesting itself instead of a substantial snack. We also have such a rush from daycare to practice, that her pre-practice meal is not likely adequate either. She is a grazer, so she doesn't have the desire for normal sized meals at any time....but that doesn't work when you need to fuel-up for a three hour practice. Need to brainstorm a better way....may need to take some meals to daycare so they can feed her there instead of caching a bite in the car on the way to practice.

She is really struggling this week, but I think she is also really thinking about how to manage her emotions (rather than denying she is having troubles) so I guess that's a good thing. It's just a big, abstract topic for a nine year old to tackle. Tonight she asked me how she can stop being too hard on herself. I said if I had a magic answer to that one, I'd be a famous woman! We talked though a few ideas on the car ride and now daddy is taking a turn having a heart to heart before bed.

 

[leotardmakermum]

My daughter was having stomach aches after snack breaks, which for her squad are "fruit break"s. She does have digestion issues (because of food allergies and intolerances) but in the end the coach and I wondered if she was simply having trouble digesting the fruit at the same time as exercising.

I changed her fruit to a fruit (usually strawberry or raspberry) smoothie (with oat milk - for allergies, coconut cream - for good fats, and sometimes some drinking chocolate powder - for change of flavour) so that the fruit was basically partially digested already, and she's been just fine since.

The coaches are really supportive of her "different" diet, because they see the effects on her if we haven't got it right! If she doesn't have enough fuel, she doesn't last the distance. If she has trouble digesting, she gets stomach aches which interrupt training. I'm just so pleased that they are so supportive.

The other thing is, my daughter has a second "lunch" just before training. At least 50g of (sorry that's in metric!) protein, 50g of carbs, and some salad vegies. That's what gets her through to fruit break. It doesn't add up to a great deal in terms of size - so it is still only a very small meal. She eats it in the car, whilst also getting changed, on the way to training (about 15 minute car trip) Perhaps you could try something like this with your daughter.

I hope you can sort things out for your daughter soon.

 

[StringBean'sMom]

We are trying some ideas for food....I got all sorts of stuff for smoothies yesterday. That will be easy to take to the daycare in the AM and they can easily give her that after school without it being complicated!

On a confidence boosting note - she got her kip last night at open gym!! It's not pretty but she was getting up there fairly consistently. So proud!

 

[txgymfan]

Healthy, easy, nutrition food is a constant source of stress for our CB moms (and moms everywhere). If you want more ideas do a search for "snack" or "dinner" or "healthy" ideas in the search box. Good luck finding the right combination for your DD.