Parents How Can I Get My DD to be Less Negative?

[my4buffaloes]

Dd had another great meet this weekend - except she thinks she did horrible. Bars looked beautiful but they were tough scoring compared to other meets. Then beam - she hates beam! Except she does well - has won several times this year. Horrible warm up, horrible attitude, etc. She nails the routine. The least wobbily routine I have ever seen her do, but her split jump was not 180 and she got a 9.1 - low for her this season, but a very good score. She was so mad about her score!

They go to floor and she has a horrible warm up, horrible attitude, etc. OK, the warm up looked good to me, but she says it was horrible. She again nails the routine. Except she put her heel down on her turn and her switch leap the back leg was low (I only know these things because she repeatedly told me those were the reasons she did so horrible). So she was so disgusted with herself that she refused to look at her score - a 9.3 - yes clearly she did horrible.

I didn't really get to talk to her much after the meet before awards but she was crying saying how bad she did. Of course when she placed on 3 of the 4 events she was stunned. I noticed it especially floor, but I didn't know why at that point, but because of the 2 things mentioned above she figured she wouldn't place at all. She finished 3rd AA. Except after the meet I am again met with tears and frustration over how horrible she did.

I am ready to pull my hair out. The 2 hour ride home was not pleasant. No matter what I said I was met with several negatives about her performance. It isn't as if she is used to placing first on everything, she has been very up and down over the years and she is used to not placing on anything at all and scores in the 8's being season highs for her. This year has gone well though, but again there have been ups and downs. I don't know what to do with her! Ideas? Her coach just said they are working on it and that she is better than she used to be. Her negative attitude is not towards anyone else or over anything that anyone else did. Just totally over her abilities and performances. Ugh, this is so frustrating to watch!

 

[Amusibus]

A few thoughts... is this new? Perhaps coach/teacher/some adult authority in her life has said things that might make her doubt herself. Or maybe it's not an adult, maybe she is being teased or bullied at school or gym? Or just some other new source of stress in her life? On the other hand, for some people being self-critical is their way of driving themselves to do their best. I wouldbe frustrated by it too. Could you videotape her, maybe then she could see how well she is actually doing?

 

[emorymom]

I would not tolerate the behavior and I would not try to fix it with trying to make her see that she actually did great. She just shouldn't do it.

First of all it's horribly unpleasant for people around her and falls into the category of poor sportsmanship.

Second it wastes energy and feeds on itself.

People want to bad mouth child acting all over the place but let me tell you what it teaches the child: you don't win them all (you don't win the vast majority) and you will drive yourself crazy if you don't note your mistakes and then immediately move past the last audition. Don't even think about it. "I need to work on XYZ skills for the next one." That's it. Move on. With practicing forward-thinking, you really can barely remember the ones that you think got away ...

Or maybe that's just me in my 40s...

 

[sglemon]

My older dd struggle to get scores in the 8s and when one of her teammates acted like that, after scoring a 9, it was so demoralizing to my daughter. You dd is bound to be hurting some of her teammates feelings, I would discipline as such. I will not tolerate that kind of behavior with my younger dd, or any of my kids in general, and if I ever caught her acting that way, I would yank her out of future competition until she could grow up. I actually I would make her sit with her teammates as they competed and make her cheer them on.

 

[MaryA]

I agree with both of the above posts. If this is new, I would look into potential causes. For example, a teammate of DD's (5th grade) has a girl in her class who is on a cheer squad. Her cheer squad wins every competition they go to. This girl has been telling the gymnast, "if you don't come in first, it means you're no good." I think (I hope) my generally upbeat DD would be able to shrug it off, but this girl has self-critical tendencies anyway, and so hearing this sets off a vicious cycle of self-doubt.

But I also agree that you have to find a way to stop it, because it does feed on itself. I don't have any suggestions... maybe make her list something (two things?) that she's proud of every time she says something negative? I think if this was me I might try to find a book on the subject... a quick amazon search brought up this... Link Removed

Maybe it's just a stage... something she'll outgrow quickly, but I think this is such a "quality of life" issue, both short-term and long-term, that I would want to be researching some strategies to try to nip it in the bud.

 

[gymgal]

I am with the others here. I would not tolerate this at all and if she continued, she wouldn't be competing until she could correct it. Let me be clear, there is a big difference between critiquing your routines (noting the positives/negatives, and then moving on) and having a pity party. There is value in the first but not in the second.

 

[my4buffaloes]

Thanks for the responses. Part of what we talked about in the car is how her behavior could potentially make others feel and how it isn't ok for her to act like that. I also really don't like seeing her negative attitude at meets (I am talking the warm ups when she gets so frustrated with herself) because I feel like it has got to bother the coaches and the other girls for her to be so down when it should be a fun experience. As for the crying and being upset with herself after the meet, it was just with me and there weren't other gymnasts around, but still I think she needs to save the tears and frustration for the car if needed. The conversation in the car did not go well and I didn't really get anywhere - which is why I came here. I have been looking for some books or something for me and her to read to hopefully change the behavior and attitude. Maybe she was just having a bad day because it isn't really the norm for her, but it does happen occasionally.

She definitely leans towards a negative attitude about her performance in everything. Other sports, school, you name it, she is hyper-critical of herself. I need for her to be more positive in general and not get so worked up over tiny little mistakes. I am going to try to talk to her again now that the we are away from the competition setting and hopefully what we talk about will sink in. I can't stand seeing this behavior and it needs to stop, I am just trying to figure out how to stop it.

 

[emorymom]

The book sounds awful but it is good.

Link Removed

 

[iwannacoach]

Something comes to mind......


Athletes use the few competitive opportunities available to them to validate their effort, their goals, but most of all their dreams.

She feels capable of doing everything she's upset about, but doesn't know how to put it together. Imagine in your evereyday life the things you feel are important and are able to do. You know how to do them, and you've each of them well on many separate occasions..........

So let's frame a day, maybe a special occasion, where everything must go right for you to feel fullfilled, but a few things go slightly wrong. Your reaction to the "lapses" of success would likely include emotions of regret and loss, but as an adult you can move on, well sort of move on. You'd probably plan on things going better the next time around, and resolve to get those few details right the next time.

Your daughter may not have the abilty to process her own self defined "failures" and feels like she's lost yet another opportunity to "bring it all together." The level of her frustration is likely due to a seemingly unending string of failures that threaten her perception of who she is and what she can be.

If this is what's happening in her psyche, she's probably chasing a dream so dear to her that she's unable to share it with-out feeling vulnerable. Her reluctance or inability to share isolates her in a way that leave few options to express how she feels about the day, so she let's out all of her dissapointment in these negative displays.

I don't think having these emotions is wrong, but her public displays are. More important, she needs to have someone she she can trust to listen to her secret ambitions, because without that outlet she'll carry an even larger burden of frustration..... like "why am I the only one who "gets it."

So how do you become the person she can share her dream with? Maybe start out with you kinda have it figured that she wants to do something special way beyond what's been casually discussed. She'll at least know then, that you're open for mommy business in a way she's never seen.

 

[gymgal]

I like Mary's idea of having her think of 2 positives for every negative. I might even go to 3 or 4. This forces her to change her thinking of her performance to be more positive.

 

[krisnkids]

I hate to say it, but in this case I'd have to agree with Abby from Dance Mom's. "save your tears for your pillow". But I would also wonder what her age is, is she starting to hit puberty and having all the rush of hormones and emotions coming on and not know how to deal with them?

 

[Quadqueen]

I agree with others who've said you have to stop this behavior (and I know you're trying to figure out how). Maybe a reminder that judges really don't like seeing bad sportsmanship, which is really what this looks like. We had a judge approach some of the girls at a meet after witnessing a bad attitude from a gymnast about her "bad performance," saying that they need to watch their attitudes/behavior because the judge CAN deduct for it.

 

[LizzieLac]

Something comes to mind......


Athletes use the few competitive opportunities available to them to validate their effort, their goals, but most of all their dreams.

She feels capable of doing everything she's upset about, but doesn't know how to put it together. Imagine in your evereyday life the things you feel are important and are able to do. You know how to do them, and you've each of them well on many separate occasions..........

So let's frame a day, maybe a special occasion, where everything must go right for you to feel fullfilled, but a few things go slightly wrong. Your reaction to the "lapses" of success would likely include emotions of regret and loss, but as an adult you can move on, well sort of move on. You'd probably plan on things going better the next time around, and resolve to get those few details right the next time.

Your daughter may not have the abilty to process her own self defined "failures" and feels like she's lost yet another opportunity to "bring it all together." The level of her frustration is likely due to a seemingly unending string of failures that threaten her perception of who she is and what she can be.

If this is what's happening in her psyche, she's probably chasing a dream so dear to her that she's unable to share it with-out feeling vulnerable. Her reluctance or inability to share isolates her in a way that leave few options to express how she feels about the day, so she let's out all of her dissapointment in these negative displays.

I don't think having these emotions is wrong, but her public displays are. More important, she needs to have someone she she can trust to listen to her secret ambitions, because without that outlet she'll carry an even larger burden of frustration..... like "why am I the only one who "gets it."

So how do you become the person she can share her dream with? Maybe start out with you kinda have it figured that she wants to do something special way beyond what's been casually discussed. She'll at least know then, that you're open for mommy business in a way she's never seen.

Thanks, iwanna. I find this very insightful. My DD is similar - very hard on herself, both in gymnastics and school. Her goal is all As or A+ and when she gets an A-, or heaven forbid a B, she feel like she has failed in some way. I tell her that the most important thing (with school) is that she tried her hardest - she studied, she did the homework, and if she didn't understand something that she asked for help. My first interest is in the effort. In all aspects of life, you don't know if you need extra help, or an extra workout, or thigns explained differently if you didn't first put in the full effort it requires.

When my DD is upset about her performance at gymnastics, she is told that the public display of tears, negativity, etc. is not the mark of champion. Scores aren't the only thing that make a champion, behavior, sportsmanship, work ethic, being a good teamate - those are just as important. I have told her those emotions are ok in the car on the way home only.

I also stopped engaging in a lot of conversation trying to convince her she did well when she is convinced she did not. I have seen that it is a wasted effort. Guess what, all of things I have done, have helped her remain a little more calm in her reactions to things. She may still feel like she let herself down, but she seems to be dealing with it better.

 

[my4buffaloes]

iwannacoach - thank you for your insight. That is a perspective I had not thought about.

krisnkids - she is 12 and yes hitting the age of hormones which was why I have to think about whether she was just having a bad day - as in hormone wise, not necessarily gymnastics related.

Dd is a very emotional person and shows her emotions strongly no matter what they are. If she is excited she is literally bouncing up and down and telling everyone in sight how excited she is. So when she is frustrated or upset it is very difficult for her to keep it in. She shows it all on her face regardless of the emotion.

I talked to her some today before practice and explained how the negative attitude is wrong and how her behavior at the meet was wrong and selfish. I talked some about how other people view us when we act that way. I know she was only mad at herself, but other people don't know her like I do so they can't tell. I need to come up with a plan as we head into states because she always gets herself very worked up over states and I want to avoid that. She needs to have some personal goals that have nothing to do with scores, placements or other people.

I have my work cut out for me! She is just a child though and is having to learn all of this stuff. She doesn't have the perspective of an adult so can't see things from our point of view really. But we will get there and she is maturing in many ways, so I know it will get better if we work on it.

 

[gymmomtoo]

You got lots of great advice and sounds like you are working on a plan with her too. I just wanted to say that I loved the Doc Ali book and web camp (that's a bit pricey)--talks a lot of positivity and keeping negative thoughts away etc. Just read the book Mind Gym that someone here recommended and I liked that too--doesn't have the "here's how you do it" information but does talk about WHY negative thoughts work against you, etc.

 

[GymnastMomX2]

I could have written almost the exact same post from my daughters meet this past weekend. She had her "worst" meet of the season, 37.25 and "only" placed 6th AA out of 30+ girls. (level 4). She was standing up on the awards stand crying, trying to hold them back, but still crying. I was pretty pissed at her.. and her coach went over and told her to smile and then gave her a talking to afterwards about being a gracious winner. Like you said... a 37.25 might be her lowest AA this year (2nd year level 4.. that in my opinion should be doing level 5.. but thats a whole other post lol) but many other girls on her team would be thrilled to get anything even close to that. I swear it was easier last year when there were no expectations.. she got first AA at her first meet this year and ever since she is so focused on winning and not on just competing and having fun. sigh.

 

[gymmom1974]

My daughter has the same tendencies....more towards negative than positive. She got to the point that when I picked her up from practice, she only remembered all her mistakes, especially on beam. I "made" her (for lack of better term) start telling me 3 skills SHE thought she did well, not that the coach said was well....this was very hard for her to do at first, but, after about 2-3 weeks, she started changing her way of thinking around.

I was especially proud of her at state, because even though she placed lower than she wanted, my DD was able to look at the video of her routines and find some good aspects within them.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

some kids just have difficult character. be patient.

 

[JBS]

Tell her you are proud of her no matter what...buy her a cheeseburger and ice cream...and turn the radio up on the car ride home.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.............. even difficult character kids like burgers and ice cream for sure!