Parents I hate to seem judgemental, but something's not right.

[twisting007bigflip]

Hi parents,

I am new to chalkbucket, and this is technically my first real post.


Preempt:
I am in the gym a lot - usually on my laptop or texting or talking to a friend. I'm there, but not paying a ton of attention to what's going on in dd's class (or any other class for that matter.) But anyway, I'm pretty familiar with all of the faces that come in and out, so when someone new comes in I usually notice.

Last week, everything was completely normal in the gym. I'm on my computer and having an awesome conversation with my best "gym mom friend" when this girl walks in.

She caught everyone's eye, not just mine. Horribly skinny. I'm talking like big time. She smiles as she walks by us, and the cloud of cigarette smoke followed her. She tossed TWO large, empty cans of low carb monster in the trash can and went straight into the gym area. She walked right over to the head coach. And though we couldn't hear what they were saying, he ended up sending her over to work with the new Level 5 team and stayed for the rest of the evening. She was obviously there about a job. Both of our daughters are in that training group.

My first thought? Raging Anorexia.
My best gym mom friend's first thought? Drugs.


We talked to the head coach/owner after class. Asked about her. New coach? And he told me "maybe. if she's a good fit"...my friend and I both expressed our concerns to him right off the bat. He tells us that she's a 33 year old nursing program graduate who has a lifetime passion for gymnastics. And that he won't deal with drugs, but it would be different if it was "just an eating disorder".

That was on wednesday, she then came in on thurdsay and friday last week.

Is it horrible of me that I'm hoping that this 33 year old "girl" doesn't get hired? I hate to sound judgemental, but frankly, she appears to need a boat load of help, not a job coaching gymnastics. I hate to admit it, but I have an issue with her being hired. (if she does get hired) Not sure that it's really that safe for her or the kids. Is it? Something just doesn't seem right about it.

What does everyone else think? Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Or, do you have any thoughts?

 

[Optionals United]

You have every right to be concerned. If I were a parent to a gymnast and my DD was being coached by someone who might have Anorexia, might do drugs, and drinks Monster I to would be concerned. Being a gymnast I would not want to be coached by her. Trying not to be judgmental but I can't stand the smell of smoke and Monster grosses me out. Have you talked to your DD about her trying out to be a coach???? You never know. You can't judge aa book by its cover. Sooo she might look rough on the outside but on the inside she is much better. If DD says she is nice I would not be worried about her being a mean coach, but you have to make sure she isn't telling the kids she coaches like your DD bad things. That is just my input!!

 

[Linsul]

Honestly, as a parent I would chalk it up to a frightfully bad first impression.

The 2 monster cans could have just been trash in her car that she was throwing away as she walked in. There's no way of knowing when she drank them, how often she drinks them, or if one was hers and another was a friends. There's so many possibilities I really wouldn't fret over it. Personally, my car is a bit of a mess. We're a 1 car family with 2 kids. I find crayons, cheerios, and all manner of random trash in my car that I pre clean before I take it in to get cleaned! I also like frappuccinos, and there are many times when there's a bottle I drank in the cup holder that I forgot to throw away or just drank or whatever. I also drink tons of water, and do not drink soda. I would not want to be judged over my drink preferences, even the 'good' ones!


Being skinny is another I can relate to. I'm very anemic, and will always appear thin. I am also very strong despite that though. People remark about it all the time, it drives me a little nuts. Anorexic jokes by people I would barely call acquaintances are something I deal with a lot. The parents of my gymnasts however have been kind. They see I can spot safely, I'm active when I coach, and that's what they care about. Since coaches don't eat at work generally, her eating habits are a mystery. If she can do her job, I would leave it at that.


Smoking is gross. I say that as an ex smoker. As I understand it, 2nd hand smoke in clothes can contribute to or aggravate asthma. I would not want that around my daughter. If I was a gym owner I would not want it around my gym. I would ask the gym owner what the rules are about smoking and the gym. There's a good chance it isn't allowed by employees. If not, asking allows you to express your concerns over it without assuming there wasn't a rule to begin with.


Terrible first impression though, especially for an interview sheesh. Hopefully if she's hired her work ethic and decisions will reflect better judgment.

 

[ZJsMom]

That's a tough one. If she is in fact anorexic, you have to worry about what kind of role model she'd be for the kids. On the other hand, I don't know that it's fair to judge someone by her appearance. Some people are naturally extremely thin-- you really can't tell just by looking at her body type. I would raise it with the head coach. It would be a hard situation for him, but maybe he could figure out whether she has a problem. Even so, I'm not sure that refusing to hire someone based on that is fair. It's really a mental illness and you can't discriminate based on such things.

 

[gymnut1]

I was coached by an anorexic as a child. The disease was less understood then 35 years ago. I was completely unaware of it as a child. I just thought she was skinny. I did learn that is what she had when I was mid teens so it must have been openly talked about. She was a lovely lovely coach and a great choreographer. Fun and passionate. Our head coach was a nurse and looking back I think she must have been looking out for her. I don't remember any issues.

However I do have an issue with smoking. My dd has asthma and hates the smell of smoke. I would not want her to be coached by someone smelling of smoke as it panics her and that alone can trigger a reaction.

I would keep an eye open and talk to your dd. It is only human to be concerned about who interacts with your dd.

 

[Swiftli]

Everyone should be provided the benefit of the doubt and not judged on first impressions.

 

[bluesocks]

Everyone should be provided the benefit of the doubt and not judged on first impressions.

I agree with this sentiment.

That said, one of the things I appreciate a lot about my daughter's gym is that her coaches are all positive, athletic role models. It is obvious that they have healthy eating and exercise habits and take care of themselves. This is one reason I love having my daughter at the gym. I would express this to the head coach because I think it is something that can be considered when hiring someone--are they positive role models? Can they discuss healthy eating and exercise with the girls?

I think you have the right to express your desire for a positive role model. And, if this is typical in your gym (as it is in my daughter's gym), then I would respect the opinion of the coach who is hiring.

blue

 

[NotAMom]

First off, I can't believe she didn't recycle those cans!

Seriously though, because I think it's the gym's job to determine whether she's fit for the job, I would trust that in the evaluation the gym would take the weight vs. strength aspect into consideration. The monster is also a non-issue for me so long as she doesn't chuck down one after another.

Personally, my biggest issue would be the smoking. OP, you mentioned she had a cloud of smoke following her. Does that mean she had just finished her last cigarette and was still blowing out the smoke? Or, do you mean she reeked of cigarette smoke? If it's the former, I think it's going to be a real issue. Good coaches who smoke typically try their best to hide their nasty habits. To me, smoking (or showing the sign of) openly around kids as an authority figure in this age in time is just not acceptable. OTOH, if it's just the smell, that can be brought to her attention. Maybe she can change her cloths or have a breath mint before she starts.

 

[Bobby]

Down here, I'm pretty sure you'd be in boat-loads of trouble for denying employment because of disability (which includes mental illness). The slightest sniff of harm to children though is where it ends. It's entirely possible the poor woman has another medical issue entirely. But as a parent I'd certainly be very alert to what messages she may (in future) be passing on to the children. Any glorifying of skeletal body types and she should be out immdiately.
I don't smoke myself, but believe adults should be allowed to enjoy their legal pleasures in their own time. I personally can't bear coffee breath but it's my tough luck. On the other hand I think it's reasonable that a coach not smoke in front of children or where smoke could blow into the gym - on a break or not.
I think what I'm saying is it's probably too early to assume the worst about her.

 

[Aussie_coach]

I know of people who are just that skinny despite eating and normal healthy diet, they have always been that way, many who tried to put on weight as teens and just have always been very skinny. There may not be an eating disorder present at all. The smoke smell is not good, but again it may have been related to a childhood silliness that she hasn't been able to kick.

But the big thing that bothers me was the drinks. I am assuming that they are energy drinks you are referring too. Its always a worry when someone feels they need these drinks, if she loves to coach she needs to be a naturally high energy person anyway without the aide of these drinks. These drinks can cause major problems including all sorts of illness, poor immune system, depression, anxiety and addiction.

 

[emorymom]

I don't think it's necessary to rationalize her situation. Being a positive role model in health for girls is one of the factors relevant to her suitability. It may not be overriding.

Cigs and diet monsters are appetite suppressants. People who are underweight are making very bad choices to use those. Not implying they are good choices otherwise, but it's, as above, one of many factors in deciding whether to pick up a cig. Am I otherwise healthy and want to risk lung disease etc? AM I DANGEROUSLY UNDERWEIGHT AND WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THAT?

 

[twisting007bigflip]

ugh. i had this whole huge response typed out and accidentally x-ed out of the internet. grrrr.

Everyone should be provided the benefit of the doubt and not judged on first impressions.

I knew that no matter how i worded this post, it would come across the wrong way. There was no getting around it.

Personally, my biggest issue would be the smoking. OP, you mentioned she had a cloud of smoke following her. Does that mean she had just finished her last cigarette and was still blowing out the smoke? Or, do you mean she reeked of cigarette smoke?

Both. Blew out the smoke as she walked in the door. (classy, right?) The cloud followed her and soon the entry way/foyer/viewing area smelled like an ashtray or maybe more like a car that's been smoked in.

Honestly, I have nothing against smokers. I was, in fact, a smoker at one time. Since quitting, I find the act of smoking repulsive. But, I do not find the smoker as a person repulsive...

That's a tough one. If she is in fact anorexic, you have to worry about what kind of role model she'd be for the kids. On the other hand, I don't know that it's fair to judge someone by her appearance. Some people are naturally extremely thin-- you really can't tell just by looking at her body type.

I agree. But, I think there's a difference between someone who is naturally extremely thin, and someone who is unnaturally thin as a side effect of an eating disorder, or drugs perhaps. There's just something different - they seem to appear sick or unhealthy...hair, skin, eyes...it's just different.

I was coached by an anorexic as a child. The disease was less understood then 35 years ago. I was completely unaware of it as a child. I just thought she was skinny. I did learn that is what she had when I was mid teens so it must have been openly talked about. She was a lovely lovely coach and a great choreographer. Fun and passionate. Our head coach was a nurse and looking back I think she must have been looking out for her. I don't remember any issues.

Yes, agreed. I absolutely don't think for one minute that someone who is either A.) a smoker, or B.) eating disordered wouldn't have the capacity to be an amazing coach.

My concern is more a safety issue, really. Malnutrition can impair coordination, balance, speed, etc...

Terrible first impression though, especially for an interview sheesh. Hopefully if she's hired her work ethic and decisions will reflect better judgment.

Yes. And I agree with everything you are saying. And, there is no way of knowing if she drank those. But, if she's drinking them, (drinking them regularly or drinking them to compensate for lack of energy from lack of nourishment, or because she's overusing caffeine, or even to suppress her appetite), I would say that it's probably not a good example to set for the kids. Because, at the end of the day, Monster and Red Bull and other things like those are just not healthy. Having said that, I wouldn't have so much of an issue with it if she would throw them away like at the gas station or at home - somewhere other than the gym???

 

[Gymnasticsgirl521]

I have to say I think you should give the girl a chance. You have not even met or talked to this woman. I have to say you should not judge a book by its cover. DD has had coaches that looked like they have eating disorders and they were wonderful coaches. She has two coaches that smoke and they make a point to keep that hidden from the kids. I respect that they have made that choice and they are not in my child's face then that is their business. We as parents should be the ones to explain our values there are always going to be these situations. You don't know what is going on in this woman's life or why she had the drink in her hands that she did.

I have gone out with DD's coach and had drinks. Does that make her a bad person because we were on a trip with the girls and had a few drinks? No it shows that she is a person too. DD knows what is accpetable and what is not. She knows that people have different values and she has choices.

I say give her a chance and see how she is as a coach and then go from there.

 

[Pickle's Mom]

I think you need to trust the gym owners/head coach on this one. You've expressed your concerns and they interviewed her and gave her a trial. They have their reasons for believing she will be a good coach for their program.

I would say (again) to the HC "the smell of smoke is really disgusting and smoking is a terrible beahvior for her to model to young, impressionable . She can do anything she wants on her own time, of course, but do you really want that to be the face of your gym?"

Many, many customer-facing positions are not allowed to smoke within view of the premesis or customers. I don't think that's unreasonable.

 

[sportyfam5]

Wow a lot to think about. My thoughts are this: trust your gut instinct, obviously you and your friend found something about this girl to be uncomfortable or not right before you even knew why she was there. I agree with not judging a book by its cover and giving people a chance but consider this: She came to a job interview to work with children and was finishing up a cigarette and cleaning out her car? Not very professional. No teacher would get hired, no matter how smart, nice, or qualified if that's how they showed up to their interview.

Keep yourself in the loop as much as possible. Hopefully all turns out well for your daughter and this young lady.