Off Topic im lost what to say need help

[patches lee]

Very off topic.... My 5 yo DD's uncle just died a few hours ago. I dont know how to tell her without confusing her. She sees him all the time because we live next to each other so its gonna be hard. Can she understand death even?

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Possibly, but not in the way you do. I have found that younger children accept these things, if they are explained gently and simply, much more so than adults.

 

[Faith]

Tell her the truth. His body stopped working so he died.

I find answering questions as honestly and matter of factly as you can is the best approach. She may or may not fully understand, so she may have questions.

Look after yourself.

 

[GYM0M]

So sorry for your loss. She will most likely be upset but will feed off your emotions. My kiddos lost their grandpa at a young age. My oldest DD (5, at the time) was extremely sad, but was more upset bc "hers daddy's cryin'". Just be honest with her and comfort her.

 

[Uglybetty]

I smell sorry for your loss. My DD has suffered a lot of loss in her short life. Each time I explained it clearly, allowed time for lots of tears and then asked her if she had any questions. I allowed her to attend the funeral too which I think helped her realise the finality of death. She found it helpful to write a personal prayer. I also warned her teacher at school.

 

[Natasha]

I am sorry for your loss. The best thing to do is keep it simple and honest. Use the word "died." At this age it is helpful to relate to anything she may have experience with- a pet animal, friend's pet, etc.
She may have difficulty understanding the permanent nature of death and may ask things like "can I go visit him?" Let her take the lead in asking questions. Also, be aware of conversations she may overhear adults having as some of the things adults say may be confusing to her.

 

[Sasha]

So sorry as well.

Just be honest, simple, and clear. Like gymtigermom said, if you can relate it to a pet or friend's pet (or relative) dying, that will help.

Answer any questions she has about it simply and honestly. Regarding afterlife questions, I would suggest to only talk about Heaven, etc., if you are a believer yourself. If you're agnostic, just be honest and tell her no one knows for sure what happens, but [insert your beliefs or hopes].

My kids, while they've been very young, have lost their grandpa, a young cousin, and pets (and friends's pets). They know that people and animals become old, become ill, or become injured, and bodies won't work anymore. All people and animals all die someday. We have always stated this as a fact of life, and let grief proceed as it may.

Wishing you the best. s

 

[txgymfan]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, use the word died. Talk to her calmly. Listen listen listen. Share silly stories.

 

[GymMomXcel]

You've already been given good advice. I just wanted to relay my sympathy for your loss.

 

[Uglybetty]

I forgot to say - don't be afraid to let her see you and others cry. A lot of people try to hide tears from kids but letting them see you cry makes them understand it's natural and ok to be very sad.

 

[kecks]

very good advice in here! also for some kids it helps to process the thing called death when you two read together about it. in germany there is a widly known, very much loved, very nice (and very sad) picture book about an old guine pig. it's called "adieu mr. muffin" and is also in english on amazon ("good bye mr.muffin") by ulf nilsson and works best with 5-7 year olds.

 

[patches lee]

DH wants to tell her since it was his brother. Think it may help him too. She stayed at my moms last night since she had already planned to days ago, gave everyone time to settle down and her at least not in the chaos. We will be picking her up in a little bit. I know its gonna break her heart. He wasnt even that old 42, so it was a bit shocking. He had just put his dog down a few months ago, and our dog almost a year ago. She helped bury them because she wanted to. I told him to bring them up. My brother died a few years before she was born so she understands when someone dies you cant see them again. Personally Im not someone who goes to church, but she chooses to go with her grandparents. Right now she still asks where heaven is and have had to explain its not a place we can drive to. Thank you to everyone for the help, with so much going on trying to help DH and family, help find friends they didnt want reading in the paper first, I just got a chance to sit down and process whats happened.

 

[txgymfan]

Sending hugs to you both. We lost my uncle very unexpectedly a few weeks ago and it was hard on everyone. Our youngest was 10 ( my niece). One thing her mom did to honor him was taking the kids to his favorite chain restaurant the next day. It was a nice way to feel connected with him before flying cross country to the funeral.

 

[patches lee]

We told her a bit ago. Shes sad of course. Asked if he still gets snow too lol. If Annie his dog and her aunt were dead too :'( I know its hard for her to understand right now. And will understand a little more at the viewing. No service, and cremated. Ive already warned DH not to tell her they will "burn him". Shes having her moments but has been doing what I've always seen her do. Being silly, lots of hugs, anything to get a smile from people. Being a bit clingy to DH and me but I figured she might get like that at times. I think it was harder on DH, but said it was the last thing he really needed to do. We will get through it.

 

[gothgymmom]

Sorry for your loss. She will be upset, and may cry, but its a lesson in life that must be learned. I just had an argument with a family member because she did not make her grandchildren (she has custody) go to another family members funeral. She gave them the choice to go and all they did was sit at home and play on their kindle/tablet (whatever). I told my daughter she has to go so she can understand. Lets just say she made everyone cry because she bawled so cutely lol. She did the same at her Big Paps funeral, and honestly still cries about it when his name is even mentioned. Personally I think its a good idea to start the life lessons very early on in life. I think the first funeral my DD went to, she was about 2 or 3 years old, walked up to the casket and said, " Mommy, do we have to eat him now?" OMG was I ever mortified but had a good laugh afterwards. Be the pillow for her to cry into, to hold onto, and just be a mommy. Comfort her, hold her, and cry with her. Its ok to let her see you cry because that shows her that its normal to cry over someones death. May peace be with the both of you!

 

[gothgymmom]

Sorry, just read the last post on the burning part. Big Pap was cremated and I kept it from her. She doesnt know. That will be a lesson for a little later in life when shes a tad older lol. Shes 8 now

 

[purpleleomom]

My dad died when DD was 6. Unfortunately we didn't live close by, so it was definitely not the same experience as your DD. She came to the funeral, but he was also cremated. She has never asked about that, but she has no other experience with death, so she doesn't know differently. I think kids handle these things better than adults sometimes.

I'm very sorry for your loss and wish healing for the family.

 

[patches lee]

Things went better than I imagined. I think it took her a day to really understand after many strange questions. Wanting to take her real stethascope to check his heart, explained she couldnt because his heart stopped and wouldn't beat again. Poor DH was home when she asked if her uncle was like her fish and he said yes and she started crying her eyes out. She saw one of her uncles friends come up the drive in a car very similar and thought it was his, and had to tell her it wasn't. That was the night before the viewing (no service). She refused to go to sleep cause she thought she would miss getting to see his body and say goodbye. When we first got up there she got about 5ft away and didn't wanna get closer or have anyone pick her up to see better. Then went and sat in the back for a minute and cried, got back up and went exploring the funeral home. It wasn't very big so didn't last long. When anyone she knew showed up she met them at the door and asked if she could show them "her Doug". Course anyone she asked let her walk them up. Which I appreciate more than they know. Slowly the more people that walked up there with her, the closer she would get. I think the more she saw ppl werent scared the better she felt. She stood pointing out who was who in the pictures to people, told little jokes, tried to get people to laugh. What broke my heart was her papaw was up there by himself towards the end of the night and started to cry. Everyone was just giving him some space. DD saw and walked straight up, hugged him and said she loved him. When it was time to pick up the flowers DD picked a white rose and went around telling everyone to smell it lol. She asked the funeral director if her uncle still had his feet!!! The guy was nice enough to show her the legs and feet were still there. She liked that her uncle didnt have to wear shoes... she hates to wear them. So she said goodbye, love you and told the man it was okay to close it now. Im proud of her being so empathetic, loving, funny, and understanding for her age as she was. We got his ashes back yesterday and put together on her own how he turned to ashes. When her mamaw cried she told her "don't worry he didn't feel it". She got a necklace we have told her has some of his ashes but will be put away for awhile. She has it next to her dream catcher and says he can help.

 

[txgymfan]

That's so sweet! Thanks for sharing. I am in tears after reading your post.