WAG Lost the sparkle in her eyes?

[Muddlethru]

We finally switched gyms. It was a much needed move and long overdue. She was in her old gym for a long time. She made wonderful friends and her coaches loved her. Since she switched, she lost that sparkle in her and smiles less often. I can see she is trying to deal with the transition, and was making progress. But she constantly gets textes, emails telling her to come back and that they love and miss her. In addition, she has friends at school that still go to the old gym. And their favourite topic is about the old gym. Lately, they tell her the coaches are really mad at her and very disappointed and that she made a really bad decision. They also told her that they may not be allowed to talk to her at meets. While I know this is part of the adjustment and transition process, I am worried about the loss of sparkle in her eyes. She does not smile as much. And for a girl who thrives and enjoys doing everything, she seems less interested. I may be putting more into this than there is because some days are better than others. Last night was tough because she was told so many things all at once and she cried hard.

To parents and gymnasts who have switched and coaches who've been the recipient of the new gymnast, how long is the adjustment process? Any advice in getting over this hurdle? Was the switch too traumatic? I'd like to hear from those who recovered and those who never recovered, if any. My daughter is a young at heart 11 year old who values fun and friends. She gets along with younger girls because she still loves to play. She is the youngest in her level. So, this may also be a factor. (Though last night for the very first time she expressed interest in buying make up just to play around. So she says. In addition, she has been reading inspirational quotes which months ago, she didn't care for.). One quote she liked was "Hard days are the best because that is when champions are made" and "Don't give up. The beginning is always the hardest.' It just breaks my heart to see her so sad.

 

[Seeker]

How long has she been at the new gym? It will definitely take time for her to adjust and it will help when she makes some new friends at her new gym. Is there anyone at the new gym that goes to school with them? Change is always hard, but I think that she'll probably be much happier in about a month. When she makes some friends, learns a new skill, improves on an old one, etc...those are the things that will bring the sparkle back. Think back to the reasons that you wanted to make the switch and that should help her feel good about it.

I would also encourage her not to get into the repeated discussions with her old teammates regarding the old gym, her coaches being mad at her, etc. Maybe talk with her about what she should say/how she should respond so that she feels confident in handling it. "I'm sorry that XXX is mad at me, but I'm happy at my new gym"; "If it makes you uncomfortable, I won't talk to you at meets, but I still want to be friends" or something along those lines. It is unfortunate that her former coaches are putting the girls in the middle, but giving her the tools and language in how to respond will probably help.

Good luck!

 

[coachmolly]

What a tough situation . I hate that her old coaches are talking about her to her old teammates who she is still in contact with, it's just not right in terms of ethical coaching practices, and not fair to your dd. Kids that age are very impressionable and adore their coaches, so it should be expected that they'll pass along that information to your dd. Even though it is clear they still love her and value her friendship. Perhaps suggest that she try to keep conversations with the old teammates to non-gym related topics? Or at least general gymnastics talk rather than gym specific discussion?
It's hard to fit in at a new gym, especially if there are age differences. Just encourage your dd to be herself and keep working hard at what she loves. Has she made any connections yet that you could work to build up? Maybe one girl who has made an effort to reach out to her who you could invite to hang out after practice one day? I think building relationships at the new gym will really help her feel like she belongs and make her feel more at ease.
A gym switch to a more intense gym when I was a teenager, along with several other factors, contributed to me choosing to quit, but there were many other factors- injuries, extreme anxiety in and out of the gym, and general frustration. But there are lots of other success stories of girls who make the switch and after a few months never look back. Hopefully this will be the case for your dd!

 

[Ingwe]

I so sorry that your daughter is going through this. Gym siwtches, for whatever reason are so hard.

My Dd switched gyms last year. (March 1st) It was so hard. The 1st practice I stayed and watched and I thought she seemed fined. The girls were all very sweet and welcoming. As soon as her feet hit the parking lot she broke down sobbing. She cried the whole hour long car ride home and then cried herself to sleep. She woke up the next morning still crying. Going back to old gym was NOT an option. I told her to give it a month and then we would talk again. She slowly warmed up and now, 10 months later you would never know she hasn't been there her entire life. Change is hard, especially on these girls who have spent a good portion of their lives with their coaches, and teammates. I really do believe that your Dd will eventually find her "sparkle" again.

My Dd has also remained very close with 2 girls from her old gym. Even though she was happy at the new gym, everytime she got together with these girls I could tell she was wishing that she was still with them. It was hard for her to hear what they were doing, the "gossip", and just things that she was missing by not being there. So, I decided that in order for her to fully accept that she was not longer at that gym, I put the NO talking about gym while they were together rule in place. I told her that, and I also told her 2 friends that. They all listened to this rule and a funny thing happened along they way, they realized that their friendship was about more then just gymnastics.

Maybe you could ask these girls who are texting your Dd and talking to her at school to ease off a bit. Tell them that she really appreciates how much they miss her and she misses them too, but the gym switch was something that she needed to do and that hopefully they can understand and respect that. They can still be friends, they just won't see each other at practice everyday.

The girls who are saying negative things to your Dd, well, sadly that is just going to happen. There is 1 girl from my Dd's old gym (who also goes to school with her) who this day, is still running her mouth about my Dd and the gym switch. You just have to find a way to ignore these type of girls/people.

Just give it time and she will come through this.

Again, I am really sorry that she is so sad. As a parent it is awful to see you child hurting like that.

 

[LizzieLac]

Maybe if she had opportunities to hang out with her old teamates socially AWAY from the gym/competitions she would still feel connected to those relationships while she makes new ones at the new gym. Sometimes it is a feeling of being cut off and a feeling of losing something (although she is gaining something else).

I think it is unfortunate that those "friends" are telling her things that are not supportive. This may be causing her to question her decision. WHile you can't control what they might text to her or email her, I would encourage her to try not to get involved in a lot of back and forth on what the old gym is doing or saying unless it is positive and supportive about her decision.

I am so sorry this is hard for her. Our gymmies make this sport their whole life and I know I worry about my DD having enough realtionships OUTSIDE if the gym. They need that balance and should they leave the sport they need those other relationships. Maybe she could spend some time with friends not involved in gymnastics to take some of the focus off those relationships. I hope it works out and she gets her spark back!

 

[bookworm]

Well unfortunately I am not surprised to see some coaches behave like this as this happened to us when we left our original gym...the HC was an absolute monster, especially in public, dissing my kid but his behavior reflected poorly on him , and HE looked like the jerk..especially because my daughter did much better after leaving his gym...sore loser...and this coach was the reason I never advise anyone to tell a gym they are leaving in person and to do it by email instead...the things he said to her and the others in the gym that day were reprehensible...

 

[MaryA]

When DD switched last year, there was a transition in terms of the hours increase, and of course she missed her friends and still talked about them, but really I think she had outgrown the old gym to such an extent that she was almost immediately happier in the new situation. It also helped that a few girls, including one of her "besties", switched with her and the other girl who she was most interested in staying in touch with switched to the new gym at the end of that first season.

It's great that your DD is staying in touch with her old teammates BUT she may need a bit of a break from them if they are making her feel bad (knowingly or unknowingly) about the switch. Once she is settled and confident at the new gym, she will be better able to handle tales of the old gym. I'm not saying you should forbid her from texting her old teammates, or whatever, but is there a way you can set up a social gathering with one or more of her new teammates? Ask her if there's someone she would like to have sleep over or go to a movie or whatever? DD is the oldest in her group and she still loves hanging out with her younger teammates, in and out of the gym. Don't assume that just because the girl (or girls) she seems to "click" with the best at the gym is a couple of years older, she wouldn't be interested in hanging out with your DD outside of practice. Since our girls spend so much time in the gym, I think having social connections there is super-important, even if we want to think it's all about the gymnastics.

 

[bookworm]

4theloveofsports..your message inbox is full..

 

[mariposa]

I would say she probably needs time adjusting, unless she has been there for months already. I agree with having a discussion about ways to avoid talking gym with her old teammates. My daughter has had issues with some friends that left to another gym, but coming from them. Talking bad about her coach or trying to make her feel bad because she doesn't have skills they have, etc. Girls can be mean. And sometimes it is coming from their parents and trickling down to the kids. Tough life lessons for sure.

Hope she settles into her new gym and gets the sparkle back in her eyes. Hang in there.

 

[Muddlethru]

Thanks for your responses. I know it was going to be an adjustment. I needed words of encouragement and you all provided that. Thank you.. My daughter just switched gyms, a couple weeks. So, it is new. She has not expressed anything wrong with her new gym. In fact, she acknowledges there are better coaches and the girls are all nice. It is clearly just missing her old gym. I just miss seeing her zest for life. In my heart, I believe it will get better. But I also want to help her along the way and also can't help but wonder if I zapped the life out of her. But I liked seeker's post in that it was encouraging to hear that there are many ways to maybe get that sparkle back, learning a new skill, improving on old ones. I forgot about that. That would certainly make her excited! Thanks all!

 

[Deleted member D3987]

this too shall pass...and for the better.

 

[vagymmomma]

We just hit 6 months at the new gym. I'm not sure the smile is all the way back (it's hard to leave friends you grow up with), but I can tell you the passion and love for the sport have grown 10-fold in the new environment. DD just said this week how happy she was that she changed gyms. It took about 6 months.

I know it was even a little hard for me as well (don't know if you're experiencing the same), but we're very glad we made the change.

 

[GymBee97]

She will eventually adjust. It's all part of learning to live life. Not everything can be hearst and flowers all the time. You made a decision that you KNOW is the best choice for her and your family don't second guess yourself because of old coaches or texts from old team mates. it takes a few months to adjust and once the comp season is over and she has had a chance to be with the team for competitions she will bond with new team mates and be smiling again. Its hard to move forward sometimes when old friends are left behind. I wish I could say the things you have said about the old coaches comments and behavior was uncommon but its common enough that I have seen it and experienced it enough to say I just wish these coaches could just accept the change and give good wishes to those leaving. We left our old gym about a year ago and to this day the owner of the old gym won't even say hello to my DD, or any member of our family and still bad mouths my DD, my hubby and myself when he gets the opportunity.

With that said after a year at new gym she has new friends, smiles all the time at gym practice and loves her team and coach. I too couldn't be happier for her. It really is a great place and we love the staff, team and all the parents we come in contact with. So glad we are now there it really has been such a positive experience for everyone in the end.

Just keep supporting her and move forward.

 

[Muddlethru]

Just have to say, I LOVE all the responses! And vagymmomma, I too tear up every now and again. I love all her friends at the old gym. They are great girls. And I truly enjoyed hanging out with the mothers. I even grew to love my daughter's head coach despite her many flaws and some very unpleasant things I witnessed through the years. So yes. I too feel the loss. But we are optimistic about this change. But can't my daughter just love her new gym NOW!:sly: Have a great day ya'll!

 

[gymnastmga1]

I am a gymnast who knows all about this. When I was 8 I started gymnastics again after 2 years of not doing it at a different gym then i was at before. A year later i switched again for about 2 weeks then went back to the old gym. I stayed at that gym for 3 more years then went to another gym and stayed there for 3 years. Then I went to another gym over this summer that just pasted and have been there since then. Switching gyms is hard. Trust me I know

 

[justanothergymmom]

Don't worry! She will adjust One of my daughters took no time at all to adjust, the other one took several months! They are both fine now, and your daughter will be too. The bottom line is that you made the decision you made for good reasons and you had your daughter's best interest at heart! In your own words it was a "much needed move and long overdue!" Have faith and confidence that your decision was the right one and your daughter will follow in suit! Keep reassuring her that the move was necessary, and that soon her new gym home will truly feel like home! Good luck to her! I hope she has an awesome 1st season with her new gym!!!

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

Having survived a gym switch with one of my gymkids, I would say just hang in there. It took my ten year old about 6 months to fully adjust - there was a change in hours, coaching staff, new friends, new team mates to get to know. At the same time there is also the loss of the old gym, coach and friends to deal with. We were expecting an adjustment period, but to be honest it took far longer than any of us were expecting.

 

[mimi]

We switched gyms a couple of months ago, and it was definitely an adjustment. I think it takes a while to develop a rapport with everyone--coaches, parents, gymnasts, and it can make you yearn for the old, more familiar gym. Try to remember why you switched and keep reminding yourself.

As far as the comments made by the other kids, maybe suggest to your dd that she kindly ask the girls from her old gym if maybe they can talk about subjects other than gym while everything is so fresh. I had to do this with my dd--and I enlisted the help of the moms of those children and it worked out really well. So now, when they see each other, they do a quick rundown of what they are working on at their gyms, and then they move onto other subjects. If someone is a true friend, they can talk about things other than gym.

We also distanced ourselves from people who seemed to not be able to do that. Now it is fine because she is acclimated, so she doesn't feel insecure when girls from her old gym talk about training for this level, learning this skill, etc., because now my dd is very confident and comfortable with our decision and her path. Good luck! This gymnastics thing is tough stuff!

 

[Foxy's Leos]

This was a powerful question.
As a young gymnast I was switched from a gym to commute and hour and a half each way to John Gedderts gym in Lansing, Michigan. It was a hard transition not just because of doing homework and eating dinner every night in a car was hard, but because I had to find out about true friendship also.
It is hard to just switch schools as my 6th grader just had to do, but with gymnastics, it add a whole other level because you form more sacred friendships with your teammates. Your gymnast will get the sparkle right back in her eye. The gymnasts and coached in the new gym will help supply that in a short time. That's just part of the sport.
Also, be sure to have confidence yourself about the switch. Our children do pick up on our securities to certain issues. Be strong to for your strong girl. You guys are doing great!