Parents New to group need advice

[Gymmom0824]

Hi all. I'm new to the group, and still somewhat new to the parent of a gymnast world. My daughter just finished her first year of team as a level 3. Her training was minimal before trying out for team but proudly she was picked. She did pretty good for her first year, she had some really tough competitors. A day after the season ended her gym threw everyone for a loop and decided to start an xcel program. Instead of moving girls up , They placed many girls in that program my daughter included and promised us it would be great for them. They only kept a select handful in the JO program. The issue is, they are slowly going back on their promises and there's a huge favoritism issue in our gym. For example our head coach has a certain group of girls she favors and it's pretty obvious. I thought maybe I was imagining things but others have come out with concerns. She has now scheduled a JO program workout during the second half of girls practice, causing her to leave our girls and go tend to them for 2 hours. This left confusion among the parents and girls as to why she would schedule something like that right smack dab in the middle of their dedicated time. I'm feeling really irritated about this and do not feel like open communication is even a possibility. They are a take it or leave it kind of program and unfortunately we live remote so there isn't much option to change gyms without it being a huge uproar. My daughter still loves the sport and doesn't want to quit but it's just so discouraging to watch when we all pay the same fees and have the same heart and dedication. We gave so much of our time, money and spirit last year that it is so disheartening that it is turning out this way. Sorry to ramble on, I just need advice on how to get over this or deal with it.

 

[Aussie_coach]

It sounds like due to your situation, the advice of "find a new gym" is not helpful, and it is also unlikely that complaining will have much of an affect.

The reality of gymnastics is that ALL coaches have favourites and all gyms have favourites. Coaches who say they don't are in denial, it is human nature to get along better with some people and not others. But the art of a good coach is to recognise this and work hard to give all students your best. If this is not happening in your gym, then there is probabaly limited awareness on the coaches part so complaining will have little effect.

I am assuming there is another coach or other coaches who are working with your girls group and not just the head coach, or she would not be able to go onto another group during their class. This is not nessesarily unusual, in many gyms the head coach may not have a great deal to do with training the younger or lower level kids. If this head coach isn't that interested in these kids then maybe it isn't a bad thing either. It gives her of coach/coaches space to develop a successful relationship with the kids and help them progress. Sometimes disinterest from the head coach opens doors to allow other coaches to really step up and take responsibility for a groups progress.

This situation could actually be a great thing for your daughter, as there are life skills to be learned. Sometimes in life people are reluctant to give you what you want, so you have to learn to stand up and take it. I assume yiur daughter is pretty young but if she wants it badly enough, she can set a goal to work hard enough for them to really sit up and take notice of her. You can help her to set goals and discuss training habits to achieve them.

 

[CLgym]

That sounds like a tough situation. I'll share my story -- We were at a large, successful gym that would select about 10-12 girls each year (age 5-6) for its developmental team program. After about a year, the favorites (usually the youngest and smallest - but not necessarily the highest skill level) would be moved to JO, and the rest would go to Xcel. After initially receiving a JO offer that was rescinded, my daughter was ultimately put in Xcel. The Xcel gymnasts had fun but less experienced coaches, and about half the practice hours. (Despite this, and according to team literature, Xcel was considered the gym's USAG "B" team and girls were expected to maintain an average 9.2 on all events. The gym also maintained an AAU team for girls following a more recreational path...) In any event, it was tough to watch old teammates get substantially better coaching and more hours, while my daughter plugged away in Xcel. I communicated my daughter's desire to move to JO several times in a professional way, but it soon became apparent that the gym was not going to move her into that program. So, after competing one year of Xcel (Bronze), my daughter left and started JO at a different gym.

My advice would be to communicate your daughter's desire to move back to JO. See what your gym/coach has to say. Maybe they will consider it? Or possibly they can let you know what (if anything) your daughter needs to do in order to be reconsidered?? I know it is hard to do (communication was very limited at our old gym too), but try to find someone you can talk to. Or email. If the answer is no to JO, and finding a new gym (like we did) is not an option, then my only and best advice to you is to support your daughter's love for gymnastics and stay out of the gym as much as possible. At my old gym, most of us Xcel moms avoided the gym. Frankly, it is hard to watch when you feel your child's program is being given "second class" status. So don't watch -- just cheer on and support your daughter at meets and home

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[e'smum]

OP - are the excel girls given the same amount of hours or less? usually excel is for girls who want to do gymnastics but also want to do other sports. so less time and days in the gym = less money as well.

Our HC and AHC and a dedicated JO coach have nothing to do with the excel program or our boy's program at all. We have a lower level coach (lvsl 3 and 4) that also coaches Excel. Right now there are 3 other Excel coaches that are Excel only but one is out on maternity leave.

I can totally understand your frustration and disappointment. However, I'm not surprised that the promises are falling by the wayside. I agree with the above poster. Stay out of the gym as much as you can and cheer your daughter on as she does something she loves.

 

[caligymdad]

My 2 cents.....

I feel for you and your inability to change gyms due to the remoteness of your area. While changing gyms is something you could do, I have found that most head coaches and directors of programs have an 'eye' for talent and look for those that fit their desired type. People often use the term 'favorites', and that is the simple way of viewing it, but it's more about the type of athlete they look for. Every coach, from their experience, will have their own types and it isn't always simply about size and strength. A child's attendance, work ethic, attitude all play a part in that decision making process. When my DD, now a level 7 at 8 years old, was younger she had a younger coach say before pre-team that she didn't think my DD would make it because she was too playful. Her personal experience led her to believe only girls that were super serious would be able to advance in the sport. We were fortunate enough to live in an area with multiple gyms in a reasonable radius and left that gym before that coach could steal her joy. On the flip side of that coin, I have seen others leave gyms believing the grass was greener on the other side of the fence only to have to face the same reality of their DD's abilities. With all that said if it is not possible to find a new gym your best bet is just to encourage your DD to work her hardest. Check and see if getting private lessons is an option. I wish you and your DD the best.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I agree with Caligymdad. There are so many factors that come into play when selecting JO vs Xcel athletes. I know at our gym it is not strictly based on ability, there is so much more to it, coachability and effort being at the top of the list. There are things we see in athletes that parents don't, and yes, as coaches we do let personal experience influence us as well. So it is true that a kid who is selected for Xcel at one gym may very well be JO material at another, but not necessarily. We always try to look for the future of the gymnast in the sport and what program within our gym would be the best fit for them while at the same time fitting what we want our programs to be, if that made sense..! It does help that our Xcel team isn't by any means meant as a "B" team, it is simply another option for those who for whatever reason are not a good fit for the much more intense JO program.
I'm sorry you feel that your DDs group is being given a lower priority and that communication seems lacking. There may be reasons why this is happening, but without communication you as parents are left wondering and assuming and that is pretty much always a bad idea...

 

[Gymmom0824]

Thank you all for your replies. I took a break from watching practices and have seen some improvement after watching again this past weekend. My DD however has expressed desire to move back to JO as she isn't too happy with the team situation. Moving back to JO would even be leaving most of her good
Friends so I know this is something she really wants to do. We do take advantage of private lessons and any extra clinics they do, but she is feeling bored during team practices. They split the team in two groups and she's sort of in between skill wise with the two groups they split the teams into for practice. She spends a lot of time waiting around for other girls to get a skill before they move on to something else. Personally I feel she is more suited for the JO team but not sure how to approach the coaching staff about concerns as they aren't very open to communication. I feel like saying something will rock the boat, but hate seeing my child being restricted
In her abilities. Other parents have noticed as well so this isn't me being a proud mom. My daughter is very dedicated and in the past year has rarely missed practice and works really
Really hard. Sorry to ramble I'm just so frustrated about what to do.

 

[Sasha]

If there are literally no other JO options for you within a driving distance (and many people drive 1-2 hours each way, a few drive even more), then you have 2 choices:

1) be silent and accept the situation. Encourage your daughter, and let it all play out. She may stick with it, but if her talent and drive is actually not being served with her current training situation, she will likely know it, and she will probably quit at some point in the not distant future. If she is being served well enough, she may have a wonderful Xcel team experience that lasts through high school with amazing friends, athleticism, and work ethic that she will cherish for a lifetime.

2) Advocate. And reading your thread, my gut tells me this is what you need to do as I think you are going to regret not at least trying to advocate for your daughter given the stress you are feeling. Here is what I would do if I TRULY could look at the JO group, the XCEL group, and my daughter and objectively see that her abilities are more on par with the JO kids (I have actually been in a similar situation, and it took me TOO LONG to listen to my gut. I regret it. My gut turned out to be right. ).....

You shouldn't rock the boat if you truly approach all conversations from the POV of "Help me understand how to help and support my daughter" and not "I think my daughter is better than the group she is in."

- If there is a coach who knows your daughter well and might be an ally to advocate for her, start there. If not, then start with whatever coach knows your daughter best. If several, pick the one with most power.
- Schedule a meeting with the coach however your gym prefers (email, through front desk, whatever is the procedure at your gym). You are a paying customer, so even if it's hard to get a coach's time, politely persist.
- Prepare your points ahead of time so as to be clear and not waste coach's time.
- Use this formula:

1) Smile and connect. Thank coach very much for her/his time and share brief sincere compliments of things you like about the program (caring staff, safety, L3 season success, daughter fell in love with gym, etc.) so it's clear you are generally happy and not here to rattle off a bunch of complaints.

2) Ask about this new JO vs Xcel strategy "I'm somewhat new to gymnastics, and I have some questions about the different programs that I hope you can help me understand. After L3, a new Xcel program group was formed, which includes my daughter Susie. I am sure you had thoughtful reasoning for this. Can you help me understand your philosophy on placing girls in JO vs Xcel? What factors in? Can girls ever move between groups? If so, how? (even if you think you know this, just ask to get on the same page)"

3) Ask specifically about the reasoning for your DD (if not addressed above). "Thank you, that is helpful. I'd like to help my daughter adjust to this, and to help set expectations for her so that we are all united in the best path for her. Can you help me understand the specific reasons my daughter was selected for the Xcel team? You won't hurt my feelings, so please be honest...[listen empathetically for explanation, asking any follow ups but not reacting negatively]. Thank you for sharing candidly.

4) Share your daughter's feelings (not yours) and ask about the possibility of JO in her future. "May I share with you some of the feelings Susie has been expressing - perhaps you can help? Thanks.. Since moving to the Xcel group, Susie continues to work very hard and appears to me to be highly motivated. She loves the sport and her teammates. However, she is continuing to express interest in moving to the JO team, as she wants to be challenged more. She seems very driven. I need a way to respond to and guide her as a parent, so I truly need to understand what the outlook here is for her ever moving to JO. Could that be a possibility for her? What would Susie need to demonstrate to be considered for the JO team? What is holding her back?"​

Hopefully you were warm and open, which opened the door for some honesty and sincerity from the coach (not appeasement or defensiveness). And so if all goes well, that conversation should shed light and either give you potential hope and a path forward, or at least let you know the door is closed so you can move on from the uncertainty and know you tried.

And for the record, I have definitely seen girls who were originally judged "only Xcel quality" excel in JO. Not all will, but sometimes the coaches do get it wrong. I have had to advocate more than once for my own daughter. She has been on many JO podiums and is now going smoothly into optionals.

Good luck to you and your daughter, whatever is decided.

 

[CLgym]

We were in a similar situation (as I posted above). I really like the post above by @Sasha including the talking points. If you can schedule such a sit-down meeting with the ultimate decision-maker, then I would.

In my case, I ended up sending an email to DD's Xcel coach after competition season was over. In the email, I politely asked whether the coach had any information regarding team placement for next season. I explained that, while my DD had a wonderful experience in Xcel, she was very interested in moving to JO. I explained why she wanted to move teams, and asked if she could be considered for the JO program. I received a reply email 3 days later saying Xcel coach had talked to HC, and gym was not looking at any Xcel girls for JO. It obviously wasn't the reply I wanted, but at least I knew where we stood.

Bottom line is that you need to communicate with a coach -- It really is the only way to get the information you want.

A little more info about my particular situation -- Based on various discussions with coaches (including HC), I was able to learn that the gym's philosophy strongly emphasized small teams and a very specific body type/body proportions. Girls who didn't meet these very restrictive body requirements, were not picked by HC for JO. HC was unapologetic about this -- feeling body-type was a strong predictor of long-term (L10+) success -- and even publicized this philosophy on the gym website. From the HC's perspective, the girls whose bodies were not "ideal" would struggle in JO and eventually quit the sport, but in Xcel they would have more success, greater confidence, and possibly stay in the sport longer. Not sure I agree, but this information helped me to understand the decisions being made and formulate next steps.

Good luck and keep us posted!